To be upset about best friend's wedding

[allalongagatha]

I got married a couple of weeks ago and had 2 bridesmaids - my sister and my best friend. Last week my best friend got engaged and I've just found out that she has chosen other people as her bridesmaids and I'm feeling left out and really upset.

AIBU to feel this way? I know I probably am, just feel upset that I cut down on our wedding so much (only my best friend came and minimal family) and then I'm excluded from hers?

I feel like it's worse because I think I always put too much of myself out there in regards to friendships and never have it in return - I'm never someone's 'main' friend, just somewhere in the background. Just feeling really sad right now

But @Bizawit emotional blackmail is exactly what it would be.
Telling her how much she’s hurt your feelings is playing on her emotions in order to maybe get her to change her mind!
It might be subconscious, but it is what it is.

I am very fortunate. I'm in my sixties and have many good friends but most of them came into my life from my thirties onwards. There are only about 4 that I knew back in my teens/twenties and we have grown closer over the years so don't worry OP there is plenty of time for you to make the friends you deserve.

And I totally get it about the bridesmaid thing. I've never been one either and I wish I had been. However a (much younger) friend recently asked me to be godmother to her baby and that has almost made up for it.

@Cyberworrier

I think it would be very unkind to not attend a wedding because you are invited as a guest and not a bridesmaid, and would be a dampener to put on your friend's special day. It is not unkind to select the bridesmaids you want based on whatever individual criteria you have as a bride, relationships and human beings are complex and as someone has said, being a bridesmaid is not a transaction, even if it appears to be so in some circles!

It would be very unkind if op? What about how unkind the bride has been. The bride sounds like a narcissist, And deserves all she gets, Sadly I doubt she’d care too hoots if op didn’t go.

@SeasonFinale if a bride came on and said: 'I was the bridesmaid (one of two - other being sister) to my good friend two weeks ago. I just got engaged, and I don't want to include her in the bridal party. AIBU?' I would definitely be saying that's unkind and will hurt her friends feelings!

@Smartiepants79

But *@Bizawit* emotional blackmail is exactly what it would be. Telling her how much she’s hurt your feelings is playing on her emotions in order to maybe get her to change her mind! It might be subconscious, but it is what it is.

A) OP hasn't said anything to her friend at all.

B) In any case, I totally disagree that sharing how you feel with a good friend, when they hurt you, constitutes emotional blackmail. I think that's healthy communication and should be allowed in a good friendship.

C) I haven't commented on whether OP should raise the issue directly with her friend or not, because I'm not sure if that would help. But either way I think she has every right to be upset, distance herself from the friendship and even not attend the wedding if she doesn't feel like it.

[quote Bizawit]@SeasonFinale if a bride came on and said: 'I was the bridesmaid (one of two - other being sister) to my good friend two weeks ago. I just got engaged, and I don't want to include her in the bridal party. AIBU?' I would definitely be saying that's unkind and will hurt her friends feelings![/quote]
But in the case of the OP, the friend getting married quite possibly doesn't have the faintest idea that the OP expected to be a bridesmaid -- she may have been surprised to be asked to be the OP's, and considers her a 'background friend', as the OP suggests. (I mean, I've been asked to be a bridesmaid by people I absolutely wouldn't have expected it from, and there's no tactful way of saying 'Really? I didn't think we were on those kinds of terms! Don't you have anyone closer to ask?'

It's not as if it's a strictly reciprocal arrangement, otherwise people with a lot of good friends and/or anyone who marries later than the majority of their friendship group would end up with about nine bridesmaids.

I married when I was almost 40, have been a bridesmaid seven times, and didn't have any bridesmaids.

You've been "The bride". Perhaps your friend thinks you will be fully satisfied that you've had "your" day, and won't be bothered about being a bridesmaid now. Traditionally the bride would have unmarried girls/women as her bridesmaids, and now you are not in that category.

I do get hat it feels hurtful, but perhaps you are overthinking it. Be happy for your friend that she has found the right man, and will soon be happily married, like you, too.

awwww sorry OP, you sound really down about it :(

This is why I chose just to have flower girls and children. The whole bridesmaid thing is a nightmare if you have lots of good friends!

@Bathboy I find it hard to believe that the "friend getting married quite possibly doesn't have the faintest idea that the OP expected to be a bridesmaid". She'd have to be pretty obtuse! Almost everyone on this thread has empathised with how the OP feels. Even if they don't think the bride did anything wrong, everyone can understand at least why it hurts.

I agree being a bridesmaid is not a strictly reciprocal arrangement/ it is not black and white in every case. But I think given the circumstances the OP has set out, it was unkind of her friend not to include her.

I think in your case I would have opted for no bridesmaids too, and I doubt in your circumstances any of your friends were particularly hurt.

There are so many unreasonable people on this thread. Why should OP being sad be a reason for the bride to not have the day she wants?

@Bizawit the OP is being totally unreasonable. As someone who's been an adult BM 4 times - yes I enjoyed it (in 2 instances I was shocked at the ask I didn't think we were close, 1 was because I'm a great organiser and the bride wanted my opinion, the other is my BF who told me about her engagement before her own sister) but why should I not have my 3 closest friends (my BF was MOH) in my bridal party because 4 brides chose me . Or pay for 7 BM to appease feelings?!

Is your issue the fact OP wasn't picked? Or that fact she wasn't told she wasn't being picked?
Would it have been nicer for the bride to have said a few months ago "recognise I'm your BF but you aren't mine so you won't be in my bridal party if I get married - if that's an issue I can step down" (Harsh IMO but the only option for those of you who think of BM duties as being transactional).

@allalongagatha you have received terrible advice to tell the bride you are sad at not being picked as BM. Best case you upset her and get a pity BM invite. Worse case (for you) she tells you how childish you are being, insults you for having no close friends and disinvites you from HER wedding. Just suck it up, support her as a friend and enjoy getting to stay with your husband on the day.

This also happened to me, so I know how hurtful it was. The girl my best friend chose had not even known her that long. When the wedding was called off by her fiancé only a couple of weeks before the wedding, this so called bridesmaid was no where to be seen and left my BF to cancel everything on her own. I was fuming. My friend later admitted that she made the wrong choice. What is more important is that we are still friends.
I suppose what I’m trying to say is try not to read too much into her choice. When the time is right you may get chance to talk to her about it and understand. Please don’t be embarrassed.
Congratulations on your recent marriage.

@allalongagatha it is completely understandable that you are upset but, sadly, I think this is common for a lot of people.

I doubt that you are doing anything wrong; some people are just lucky to have a really good, reciprocal friendship group and others aren't.

I've seen this bridesmaid situation happen a lot. You say you feel embarrassed, because she was your bridesmaid so recently, but please don't. You have no reason to feel embarrassed and I'm sure nobody will give it a second thought.

She was a bridesmaid to you and that's great. Focus on that and try not to less this bother you.

I completely understand why you are upset but please don't take it personally. This happens to a lot of people.

But also, you are only in your 20s. You have loads of time to make some even better friends.

XxX

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba

YANBU to feel sad. I'd be hurt too.

I know her type - selfish, insensitive, take take take.

I don't know if there's anything you can or should do, my reaction is to cut contact.
A close relative did the very last hurtful thing to me about a year ago, I no longer speak to them. They sent a message on my birthday which I ignored.
I just can't tolerate that sort of behaviour anymore.

For OP, I'd say that cutting all contact sounds harsh / an over reaction

OP, I understand you're hurt, but I really doubt it was intended as a snub. You're a work friend; it's quite unusual for them to be chosen as bridesmaids. As others have pointed out, many people don't ask married women to be bridesmaids Pippa Middleton didn't ask her own sister! My mum wasn't a bridesmaid at her sister's wedding either, nor was she a bridesmaid for one of her own bridesmaids because she was married at that point.

I find MN a bit confusing sometimes, because the general consensus seems to be:

• you shouldn't spend too much on your wedding
• having several bridesmaids is tacky and/or OTT
• it's mean not to ask your sisters, your nieces, your fiance's sisters, your fiance's nieces, your brothers' wives/girlfriends, your female cousins, and all your friends to be bridesmaids (and pay for their dresses)

Seems a bit contradictory to me! In fact, surely the more bridesmaids you ask, the higher the chances of people feeling left out? "She has eight bridesmaids and I still didn't make the cut?"

@wannabeamummysobad

There are so many unreasonable people on this thread. Why should OP being sad be a reason for the bride to not have the day she wants?

@Bizawit the OP is being totally unreasonable. As someone who's been an adult BM 4 times - yes I enjoyed it (in 2 instances I was shocked at the ask I didn't think we were close, 1 was because I'm a great organiser and the bride wanted my opinion, the other is my BF who told me about her engagement before her own sister) but why should I not have my 3 closest friends (my BF was MOH) in my bridal party because 4 brides chose me . Or pay for 7 BM to appease feelings?!

Is your issue the fact OP wasn't picked? Or that fact she wasn't told she wasn't being picked?
Would it have been nicer for the bride to have said a few months ago "recognise I'm your BF but you aren't mine so you won't be in my bridal party if I get married - if that's an issue I can step down" (Harsh IMO but the only option for those of you who think of BM duties as being transactional).

@allalongagatha you have received terrible advice to tell the bride you are sad at not being picked as BM. Best case you upset her and get a pity BM invite. Worse case (for you) she tells you how childish you are being, insults you for having no close friends and disinvites you from HER wedding. Just suck it up, support her as a friend and enjoy getting to stay with your husband on the day.

Like I said , I think the friend’s actions were unkind. (Not how I would ever behave- but each to their own!) I don’t agree with your perspective that being a bride means you are allowed to be oblivious to the feelings of friends/ family, just to get the day you want. Sounds v bridezilla to me! To me a wedding is about honouring friends and family.

Anyways, in direct answer to your questions: in the circumstances i think OP’s friend should have included OP in the bridal party (even if that meant an additional bridesmaid). but if that was absolutely not an option for whatever reason , I think she should have addressed it with her directly and let her down gently. Either giving an honest explanation if she had a good reason that wouldn’t be hurtful (eg only including unmarried women), or telling a white lie to spare yer feelings if not.

Haven't read the whole thread so maybe it's been asked before, but could it be that she is very traditional and therefore only has unmarried bridesmaids?

If you class her as a very close friend. Can you sit down with her and ask her?

[quote Bizawit]@Bathboy I find it hard to believe that the "friend getting married quite possibly doesn't have the faintest idea that the OP expected to be a bridesmaid". She'd have to be pretty obtuse! Almost everyone on this thread has empathised with how the OP feels. Even if they don't think the bride did anything wrong, everyone can understand at least why it hurts.

I agree being a bridesmaid is not a strictly reciprocal arrangement/ it is not black and white in every case. But I think given the circumstances the OP has set out, it was unkind of her friend not to include her.

I think in your case I would have opted for no bridesmaids too, and I doubt in your circumstances any of your friends were particularly hurt.[/quote]
Oh, I feel sorry for the OP, of course I do, she's so patently upset. But I think there's a lot more going on, from her comments about 'always 'putting too much of myself out there in friendships and never getting it in return'.

And I had actually been a bridesmaid for two friends within a few months of getting married myself, so if we went along with the idea that it's only fair to reciprocate being a bridesmaid, they should have expected to be bridesmaids/matrons of honour for me.

@Bizawit i think OP’s friend should have included OP in the bridal party (even if that meant an additional bridesmaid). but if that was absolutely not an option for whatever reason , I think she should have addressed it with her directly and let her down gently. Either giving an honest explanation if she had a good reason that wouldn’t be hurtful

I agree weddings are about honouring friends and family. In this instance OP isn't considered to be the closest of friends to the bride (these things happen).
Personally I don't agree with lying to spare feelings-this was actually the reason a bride asked me to be her BM and go dress shopping with her instead of her MOH because I'd tell her the truth (ie have you considered this? You look great and maybe this would take you to amazing...) so that she could look and feel beautiful on her special day rather than look back and ask why nobody told about "X" when she saw wedding photos and videos she looked fabulous if anyone cares but I digress.

The bride shouldn't have to explain her wedding party choices. The OP had her day and made her choices so should this bride. You are asking the bride to come up with a justification for not reciprocating but the reason may be as simple as she doesn't want to. Why should the bride have to lie? Some people have lots of friends and make those friends feel so special that they might think there is more to the friendship that there is. Just because you are friends or friendly doesn't mean you should have to sacrifice what you want to appease others on your wedding day.
A bride could have a "small wedding party" of 8 and you don't make the cut, a bride might only have known a BM for 3 years but in that 3 years they've supported in ways a lifelong friend hasn't, a bride may decide she wants her pregnant married BF in her bridal party but doesn't want you (married/not pregnant/whatever).
You/we aren't in peoples relationships.

@allalongagatha I'll be your friend OP! Like you, I've always been the one used and pushed aside. I finally walked away after years & years of it.

Feel free to pm me X

And I had actually been a bridesmaid for two friends within a few months of getting married myself, so if we went along with the idea that it's only fair to reciprocate being a bridesmaid, they should have expected to be bridesmaids/matrons of honour for me

But you didn’t have any bridesmaids so not the same situation at all..

Regardless of whatever you decide to talk to your friend/go or don’t go to the wedding it is clear to me that your focus needs to be expanding your networks so that you are not relying on just a few flaky friends. Diversify that things like this won’t hurt so much. Enjoy your new marriage, new friendships and YOUR life - not hers - that is the key, not to stop caring altogether but learn to care less. Don’t be constantly available for her, stop asking about the wedding - start making new friends a priority. You don’t need to be anyone’s second choice op, not now, not ever.

You are asking the bride to come up with a justification for not reciprocating but the reason may be as simple as she doesn't want to. Why should the bride have to lie

To be kind!! I get your argument-
simply that the bride is entitled to be selfish , consider her feelings only and dismiss any impact on OP. Personally I wouldn’t want friends like that 🤷🏼‍♀️. Which is why overall my advice to the OP is that her “friend” does not sound to be a particularly nice person, and certainly not a good friend to OP..

@gcgirlsrock

Regardless of whatever you decide to talk to your friend/go or don’t go to the wedding it is clear to me that your focus needs to be expanding your networks so that you are not relying on just a few flaky friends. Diversify that things like this won’t hurt so much. Enjoy your new marriage, new friendships and YOUR life - not hers - that is the key, not to stop caring altogether but learn to care less. Don’t be constantly available for her, stop asking about the wedding - start making new friends a priority. You don’t need to be anyone’s second choice op, not now, not ever.

👆🏻👆🏻