Page 3 | To be upset about best friend's wedding

allalongagatha · 2021-10-31T19:08:34+00:00

I got married a couple of weeks ago and had 2 bridesmaids - my sister and my best friend. Last week my best friend got engaged and I've just found out that she has chosen other people as her bridesmaids and I'm feeling left out and really upset. AIBU to feel this way? I know I probably am, just feel upset that I cut down on our wedding so much (only my best friend came and minimal family) and then I'm excluded from hers? I feel like it's worse because I think I always put too much of myself out there in regards to friendships and never have it in return - I'm never someone's 'main' friend, just somewhere in the background. Just feeling really sad right now [sad]

Smartiepants79 · 31/10/2021 20:43

@TotallySuper

Honestly I'd call her out on her - especially the way she casually dropped it on you - then see what her response is. Then probably end the friendship and not go to her wedding. But I do really not suffer fools lightly

Call her out on what?? Making her own decisions?? And how is she a ‘fool’? By all means tell her that it’s hurt your feelings but I think you need to tread Carefully or your going to make yourself look a bit crazy.

Moonlightdust · 31/10/2021 20:43

*form of

JudgeJ · 31/10/2021 20:46

Are the sister and friends similar size/skin tone and you're not?
Is this how people choose their bridesmaids, like a Dulux colour chart? When did it become the norm in the UK to have a posse of adult bridesmaids? It used to be one adult and a few little ones.

Original poster

allalongagatha · 31/10/2021 20:50

@fedup078 sorry you feel the same it's an awful way to feel.

OP posts:

Original poster

allalongagatha · 31/10/2021 20:56

The other bridesmaids aren't friends with her sister, just her.

Just wish I had real friends to be honest, the friend group I have (this friend is part of it but it's not any of this group she has as a bridesmaid as we met through work so good friends but not super close, if that makes sense) all met recently and I was unable to go as DD was unwell. Another girl from the group was also unable to go but the rest of the group video called her so she was still technically 'there' for their catch up and chats. I just got a message afterwards saying how good a time they all had.

I just don't know what I'm doing wrong

OP posts:

DrManhattan · 31/10/2021 20:57

Awww feel bad for you. I would feel a bit miffed too. There isn't really anything you can do about it. I wouldn't even bring it up with her. If she mentions it you could say you felt a bit disappointed but it's down to her. If you value the friendship I wouldn't try and put it to the back of your mind. Also there isn't anything 'wrong' with you for feeling this way xxxx

Lily019 · 31/10/2021 21:00

Its shit. I asked my only sister who I adored and was very close to, to be my Bridesmaid. In the country I got married, Bridesmaids are not a thing, but I insisted because I wanted my sister to be an important part of our wedding. Some ten years later, she had a much more lavish wedding than me, and chose a friend from Uni to be her only Bridesmaid. We hadnt fallen out or anything and there appeared to be no real reason. Hurt beyond belief so I get it. We are still friends and are good to each other but I never really got over that properly. Silly really but it bloody hurt.

Kite22 · 31/10/2021 21:00

I'm with Findingthelight1, HeartsAndClubs, and Smartiepants79

I can't see that your friend has done anything wrong at all. Just because she was the closest person to you / the kind of person you wanted to be your bridesmaid, doesn't mean that you are to her.
Yes, it is okay to feel a bit disappointed if you were hoping to be a bridesmaid, but that doesn't make her unreasonable at all.

Chipbutt · 31/10/2021 21:06

You are not unreasonable to be upset, but I’m sure your friend hasn’t done this to hurt you. I have been a bridesmaid 6 times and when I got married a few years ago, I was having a very small wedding and it would have been ridiculous to have that many bridesmaids. I chose my 3 oldest friends but it doesn’t mean that I don’t value the friendship of the other three. It also doesn’t mean that you are doing anything wrong. If she has said things to you like you’re her “only friend”, she obviously values you. Maybe she has just known these friends for longer, or they’re all part of a group together and it made more sense?

EinsteinaGogo · 31/10/2021 21:07

@Findingthelight1

Yeh your good friend sounds like a mean girl

Why? Honestly - why? If someone you don't know that well started describing you as their best friend, what would you do?

I don't mean to derail the OPs thread, and with hindsight perhaps my friend shouldn't have accepted the bridesmaid role, but it's not an easy situation to navigate.

Your situation isn't the OPs though, is it?

You are projecting.

And in your odd situation, your friend should have declined. Her faux kindness obviously didn't work out well, did it?

Motherhubbardscupboard · 31/10/2021 21:24

OP could it be because you're married? Traditionally bridesmaids are unmarried, although I know people don't stick to that now. It does seem insensitive of her so soon after your own wedding. I've also never been a bridesmaid and almost certainly never will be, so you are far from alone in that.

Hankunamatata · 31/10/2021 21:36

Are you the only one with a child op?

peaceatlastnot · 31/10/2021 21:39

Hi op. I’ve had a best friend and then realised that I don’t mean so much to her. It’s very upsetting. In the end I stopped trying to contact her as it was too one sided. It’s hurtful x

Malibuismysecrethome · 31/10/2021 21:43

Don’t go to the wedding, turn down the invitation, you are going out with a friend on that day

Horriblewoman · 31/10/2021 21:46

I've been a bridesmaid three times as an adult.

Only one of them I asked to be my bridesmaid. I also wasn't a bridemaid for one of my bridesmaids.

Try not to take it to heart.

RandomRoulette · 31/10/2021 21:49

@Motherhubbardscupboard

OP could it be because you're married? Traditionally bridesmaids are unmarried, although I know people don't stick to that now. It does seem insensitive of her so soon after your own wedding. I've also never been a bridesmaid and almost certainly never will be, so you are far from alone in that.

Tradition of bridesmaids being unmarried is what I was thinking too.

Or could she be trying to avoid putting bridesmaid duties on you because you've told her you plan on trying for a baby after your wedding?

I would expect her to talk to you about it up front if either of these were true though.

RedskyThisNight · 31/10/2021 22:02

@Motherhubbardscupboard

OP could it be because you're married? Traditionally bridesmaids are unmarried, although I know people don't stick to that now. It does seem insensitive of her so soon after your own wedding. I've also never been a bridesmaid and almost certainly never will be, so you are far from alone in that.

I was thinking exactly the same. Have I missed a change in traditions that you can now have married bridesmaids?

GreenClock · 31/10/2021 22:11

Is she a traditionalist? Bridesmaids were usually unwed women. My mother married in the 1960s and did not have her sister or best friend as bridesmaids because they were married. A friend who married as recently as 2008 (ish) didn’t have her married twin sister as BM - she’s quite old fashioned in other ways too. Maybe your mate wants to do things very traditionally.

HeartsAndClubs · 31/10/2021 22:18

Don’t go to the wedding, turn down the invitation, you are going out with a friend on that day don’t be so ridiculous.

Honestly the petty way in which some people Behave because their friends don’t put them first it’s little wonder that so many people struggle to maintain friendships. Obviously I’m not talking about the OP here but posters making such petty suggestions like the one above.

IF OP starts acting like a petulant child over this, refusing to go to the wedding because she hasn’t asked to be bridesmaid the only person she is going to hurt is herself.

Seriously I’d expect more from a group of teenagers in the playground, and that’s saying something.

TatianaBis · 31/10/2021 22:18

I didn’t ask either of my sisters to be my maid of honour. Nor did I ask any of my oldest female friends. I only wanted one adult bridesmaid and it would have been tricky to ask one sister but not the other or one close friend but not the others.

I asked a more recent friend who I really got on with and I knew we’d have a total laugh. I wouldn’t have expected her to ask me to be her bridesmaid because we weren’t that close (she was already married anyway). It worked out really well.

If my sisters and friends were hurt they didn’t say so and the choice had nothing to do with how I felt about them.

Latenightreader · 31/10/2021 22:19

@Findingthelight1

Yeh your good friend sounds like a mean girl

Why? Honestly - why? If someone you don't know that well started describing you as their best friend, what would you do?

I don't mean to derail the OPs thread, and with hindsight perhaps my friend shouldn't have accepted the bridesmaid role, but it's not an easy situation to navigate.

I agree. I was bridesmaid for someone I was close to at the time, but I have friends who are much closer, who I have known for longer, and who I would choose as my bridesmaids over her (I would have only wanted a couple). I remember her making a joke about being my bridesmaid and feeling a twinge of guilt because I knew she wouldn’t be. I would have ensured she had a role in the wedding though, a reading perhaps. I can see why someone would be hurt at not being asked to be a bridesmaid - been there too. Really tricky all round.

I’m sorry you were hurt OP. Not nice to be overlooked and to reevaluate a friendship. Maybe she has another role in mind?

whatstheproblemguys · 31/10/2021 22:24

I had this with one of my closest friends! She was my bridesmaid, only 1 of 3, and she had 6 bridesmaids and didn't ask me but asked someone she constantly bitches about 🤷‍♀️
I took that as my cue that I didn't mean as much to her as I thought I did, so I started making less effort, in order to see if she'd fight for the friendship or whether she wasn't that bothered and it was the latter.
It was at that point that I joined some new groups (sport and hobbies) and made new friends who even though I don't see/hear from often, I know they're my forever friends.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 31/10/2021 22:24

I think you're completely entitled to be upset but I understand where she's coming from.

For those who feel it's a reciprocal thing do you think someone should decline being a bm on the basis they wouldn't ask the bride? I can just imagine those threads rolling in

Howshouldibehave · 31/10/2021 22:27

How close are the two of you-how long have you been friends?

Does she have closer/older friends than you?

I don’t think she has necessarily done anything wrong. Would she say you were her best friend, if asked?

OakPine · 31/10/2021 22:29

Just ask her directly. You can do it in a casual and friendly way but directly say "Oh, I thought you would have wanted me as a bridesmaid?"

Her reply will tell you everything. She might say. Oh but you're married now and have a little one, so I didn't want to put that stress on you!

I'm hoping for you that it is something considerate like that.

The person I considered my best friend had a house party when she moved into her new house. She invited about 50 or so "friends" but not me. She was not the person I thought she was, and just showed her meanness. I realised I didn't actually like her very much and had just been hanging out with her because we were in the same social group. No great loss to me. There is a saying that when people show who you who they are, believe them!