To be upset about best friend's wedding

[allalongagatha]

I got married a couple of weeks ago and had 2 bridesmaids - my sister and my best friend. Last week my best friend got engaged and I've just found out that she has chosen other people as her bridesmaids and I'm feeling left out and really upset.

AIBU to feel this way? I know I probably am, just feel upset that I cut down on our wedding so much (only my best friend came and minimal family) and then I'm excluded from hers?

I feel like it's worse because I think I always put too much of myself out there in regards to friendships and never have it in return - I'm never someone's 'main' friend, just somewhere in the background. Just feeling really sad right now

I guess choosing bridesmaids isn't transactional. My good friend is getting married soon, I've just been woken by an 'are you awake text', we are close, we see each other often. I know she won't ask me to be a Bridesmaid as she will choose her old childhood friends who all know each other and are get on in a particular jolly group way. I'm really really not one jot bothered. OP, don't let this affect your friendship.

Unless this is symptomatic of a wider issue & imbalance in your friendship which is unsustainable, I'd say its just the way it is.
A bridesmaid invite does not come with an assumption of reciprocity.

I'm sorry you're hurt. I have been bridesmaid to a friend who I then didn't ask to be one of my bridesmaids. I hope it didn't hurt her feelings but reading these responses perhaps it did? I didn't want to have lots of bridesmaids as it was a small wedding, and didn't want half my female friends to be bridesmaids and half not. The friend who I didn't ask is a very valued and dear friend, but we weren't as close around the time I got married, and looking back it was a bit that I was her friend when she needed me but rarely the other way round. Happily we are still friends and have a more balanced friendship now! I would try not to take it personally, there could be all sorts of dynamics at play.

Ps the being married thing is a factor for some too, agree with many PPs. I hope you can form a balanced view reading the range of responses- please don't refuse to go to the wedding or cut her off or anything! Very extreme responses.

It really hurts. My "best friend" did this to me. She got married at age 34 and we'd been best friends since we were 14.
She just didn't mention it, didn't ask. She also went shopping for her wedding dress with a girl she'd been to uni with and write on Facebook "glad my best friend could come".

As it turns out, I had a bit of a breakdown in the month before the wedding and couldn't go. I was supposed to have been in the USA anyway, so had already declined the invite.
My relationship broke down and I was very lonely and a total wreck.

She wasn't at all bothered and has never spoken to me again.

I've moved on and found my own tribe. Hope you do the same.

Does she look down on you in some way OP? E.g.are you fat and she slim, or your plain and she gorgeous etc? Juat wondering if you are a good enough friend for some scenarios but not others (from her perspective!)

Aw that's really unkind of her. However, are all of her friends part of the same social group? I have a group of friends who I would want as my bridesmaids and they all know each other really well. Separate to them I have another lovely great friend but I'm not sure id ask her to be bridesmaid just because she doesn't know the rest. But it doesn't mean I value her less xx

@allalongagatha though I empathise with how this made you feel you do need to recognise that just because she's your best friend does not mean you are hers.

I was BM for a friend a few years back. My and another friend were confused that we were BM before realising the bride had very few female friends so we were in fact her best female friends.

I got married earlier this year and though the former bride attended as a guest she wasn't a BM and I would have never considered her in the running because I have my own relationships.

It's nothing personal, your friend isn't a mean girl- she's a bride who deserves to have who she wants to support her down the aisle. People can't expect BM offers just because.

Also, it's unlikely she didn't ask you because you are married or potentially gonna be pregnant my MOH is married and was heavily pregnant but we couldn't imagine not being there for each other as I'd been for her. She organised my hen, put on heels and gave me the best support. If a bride really rates you no amount of "tradition" will prevent her from having you be part of her day.

If you do decide to go to the wedding have a great time and most importantly don't taint her day with your ill feelings. If you can't suck it up don't attend.

I think it would be very unkind to not attend a wedding because you are invited as a guest and not a bridesmaid, and would be a dampener to put on your friend's special day. It is not unkind to select the bridesmaids you want based on whatever individual criteria you have as a bride, relationships and human beings are complex and as someone has said, being a bridesmaid is not a transaction, even if it appears to be so in some circles!

don't taint her day with your ill feelings. If you can't suck it up don't attend

What an mean spirited thing to say. OP’s feelings are valid. Her “friends” actions were thoughtless and unkind. No one “deserves” to act in a way that is thoughtless and unkind.

I would talk to her directly about it, not to change her mind but to tell her the impact of her choice on you and your feelings towards her.
It is very hurtful, I am not sure I could get past it.

@allalongagatha

It just happens all the time, I have people that I would class as my 'best' or main friend and then no one ever seems to see me like that and I just don't know what's wrong with me

There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with you, but if there’s a longterm pattern of you investing heavily in several different friendships and it not being reciprocated or those people seeing you as a background friend, then it is something you are doing. Do you prioritise the other person in your friendships? Do you help them out a lot, act as a shoulder to cry on, spring to the rescue in a crisis? Are the friendships far more about them than you? Would you describe yourself as a people-pleaser?

Something similar happened to me. There's no doubt the bride and I were (and continue to be) best friends, but she didn't ask me or another close friend to be bridesmaids. It never actually got spoken about, but I know exactly why she didn't ask me and it was because neither of us would look good in dresses (me fat, other friend heavily tattooed and partially shaved head). It was extremely upsetting at the same time as well as being sort of a relief because I wouldn't have enjoyed the being on show aspect. She chose two work friends who barely said a word to her on the day and didn't organise a hen do etc. She admitted regretting her choice and said she should've just had her actual friends, but that's the only time it's been addressed.

BF and have had a lot happen in the years since then and continued to support each other where it matters - and I've mostly got over it. Hurt at the time though.

bathtoy makes a very good point. The things you list is mostly just being a good friend no? Being there in a crisis, help out often, shoulder to cry on? I agree with your central point that maybe op needs to look at her friendship patterns and pea people pleasing tendencies.

I'm not sure I'd want a friendship with someone who refused a wedding invitation because they were upset about not being a bridesmaid. It's not a competition.

If I've invited you to my wedding it means you are an important part of my life. That should be enough really.

@gcgirlsrock

bathtoy makes a very good point. The things you list is mostly just being a good friend no? Being there in a crisis, help out often, shoulder to cry on? I agree with your central point that maybe op needs to look at her friendship patterns and pea people pleasing tendencies.

It’s just that people who position themselves as the selfless helper in their friendships — genuinely believing that this is what being a friend means — can get overlooked by others because they lack confidence in their own qualities and hence present themselves as sort of ‘service providers’ rather than people with rich, interesting lives of their own that their friends are lucky to be included in.

This may not be the OP’s case, of course, but it’s something I see a lot in posters on here who come on to talk about investing heavily in friendships and not seeing a reciprocal investment.

You make an excellent point bathtoy I am wondering why op would choose to have a best friend that treated her in a second rate fashion in the first place? The problems do sound deeper than the bridesmaid issue.

To give a slightly different perspective one of my friends has been a bridesmaid 7 times.. and her closest friends and sister haven't got married yet. She's a really social, warm and friendly person and I think people overestimate the friendship. Luckily she isn't going to get married, but if she did she would completely unintentionally upset a few people.

I'm probably not going to get married either, but if I did I think I would struggle to choose bridesmaids. I have a couple of close friendship groups and in a perfect world I'd have a close friend from childhood, one from school and my closest friend from each group. But this could possibly upset my other friends in the group's, then if I just chose one group that could upset the other. So I would probably just have my close friend from childhood and one from school and not have potential 'best friends'.

Basically you need to widen your friendship circle so you don't just have one 'best' friend putting all your eggs in one basket!

I can understand how hurt you are - not being chosen is painful when you’ve invested a lot of yourself in the relationship.

But your friend hasn’t done anything wrong. Being a bridesmaid isn’t a tit for tat transaction.

One of my oldest friends has been a bridesmaid 9 times - she’s a lovely open, friendly person and lots of people love her to bits. I’d call her one of my best friends but I doubt I’d make her top five. That doesn’t matter, I’m glad to be friends with her and don’t base my self worth on where I rank in her life.

It’s normal to feel hurt initially, but don’t dwell on it and for God’s sake don’t ask her about it. Go to her wedding and have a wonderful stress-free time.

Congratulations on your recent marriage!

So you are a work friend and I assume her friends she has as bridesmaids may be old family friends, school friends or uni friends. She may have been bridesmaid for them too perhaps. It really isn't a reciprocal thing.

Maybe as you are recently married she assume you may be pregnant by the time the wedding comes round.

@Bizawit

don't taint her day with your ill feelings. If you can't suck it up don't attend

What an mean spirited thing to say. OP’s feelings are valid. Her “friends” actions were thoughtless and unkind. No one “deserves” to act in a way that is thoughtless and unkind.

The bride to be is not unkind merely because she didn't chose OP as her bridesmaid. If it was a bride on here saying a friend of mine is disappointed that I didn't choose her over my sisters and better friends to be my bridesmaid you would be saying your wedding your choice not "that's outrageous have her too".

I have been a bridesmaid three times and not only did I not ask any of those three women to be my bridesmaid, I didn't invite any of them to my (tiny) wedding. They got to make their own choices about their weddings, I wanted to do the same and reciprocity didn't come into it.
However, I did sit down and have a conversation with them about my reasons and reiterated that they are very loved and valued friends, and they were really understanding and supportive (if a bit disappointed).
Try not to let it spoil your friendship or your recollections of her part in your own wedding day OP

Try not to take it to heart. I’ve been a bridesmaid three times- only one was a bridesmaid at mine.

And of my three bridesmaids, one didn’t have me as her bridesmaid.

I also have very dear, close friends who weren’t bridesmaids, but I don’t like them any less than the people I chose.

My choices were based on who knew my partner the most, geography, whether they had kids ( and so were free to do the bridesmaidy things) etc. Some people also choose a friendship group ( like all school/ uni pals) .

Who I chose as bridesmaids has no bearing on who I’m still closest to in my friendship group.

My cousin was my bridesmaid, she didn’t even invite me to hers. Just my mum. I understand she may have had her reasons, smaller scale of wedding, pressure on numbers etc. But it still smarts even after 30 years.

I’m so sorry this has happened but your friend is clearly not a friend. She hasn’t even had the decency to explain to you why she hasn’t asked you or why she has chosen the other girls.

How many bridesmaids is she having? Why could she also not have asked you?

I think you need to be honest and ask her outright why she has not asked you, traditionally married people weren’t asked except the maid of honour, is her sister married? If this is her explanation and she genuinely didn’t think she could ask you and is shocked and concerned that she has ‘mistakenly’ hurt you then explain it will all be ok if she now wants you to be a bridesmaid now she understands that it is possible and you can and would like to be a bridesmaid.

Any other outcome from your conversation then I’m afraid cut her off, I wouldn’t even go to her wedding. You do not need people like that in your life, let alone friends like that. Focus on joining a new club, sports club, pottery class, anything to meet other people.

How can she tell you she has no other friends and tell you first about her engagement and then 2 weeks after being your bridesmaid just ignore you.