To be upset about best friend's wedding

[allalongagatha]

I got married a couple of weeks ago and had 2 bridesmaids - my sister and my best friend. Last week my best friend got engaged and I've just found out that she has chosen other people as her bridesmaids and I'm feeling left out and really upset.

AIBU to feel this way? I know I probably am, just feel upset that I cut down on our wedding so much (only my best friend came and minimal family) and then I'm excluded from hers?

I feel like it's worse because I think I always put too much of myself out there in regards to friendships and never have it in return - I'm never someone's 'main' friend, just somewhere in the background. Just feeling really sad right now

Ps congrats on your wedding 👰‍♀️❤️

So she has excluded you from her wedding?

My best friend from school was my bridesmaid and then three years later she got married and didn't ask me.

It stung a bit - it's an indicator of significant people in your life and clearly I'm lower down her list than she is on mine - but honestly it meant I only had to turn up to her hen do, none of the organising shit and trying to sort out payments from everyone, and then on the day I got to sit with my husband and eat at the table with my friends. It wasn't too bad a deal in the end.

Try not to be too upset, I had the same but we are still excellent friends. She mentioned it years later and admitted it was a dick move, I agreed and made her buy me more wine. If you want to, you can get over it!

I think it depends who those other friends are. I have a very good friend for 10 years we get on amazing and I value her friendship very much. However I Have another set of friends where we are a group and have been friends since we were in primary school. I value there friendship very much but in someways would say my friendship with my other friend I can be more honest with then some of them some girls in this group. However when it came to choosing bridesmaids I had that whole group.

Hi OP

I think there are two things going on here.

First the expectations of bridesmaids. Some people see it as a kind of best friend pact, other people don't and choose it based on other reasons like who will look good in photos, who lives close enough and is free enough to be there to help me in a second, who is organised etc. Neither one is right.

Second, you have lots of great friendships but want to be someones 'best' friend...why? Really think about this, why can you not enjoy the times you have with someone for what they are? Why do you think that everyone ranks other people in terms of friendships, why do you feel like you fall short, and why does it bother you if you like that person and enjoy the time you spend with them?

Having seen this from the other side, I'm not loving the venom for the friend from some posters.

A very good friend of mine was asked by a peripheral friend of hers to be her one and only bridesmaid. This woman described my mate as her best friend, much to my friend's bemusement. It was just all so full on and felt strange - from my friend's POV they got on, but weren't that close.
Anyway, because my friend is kind, and sweet, and wants to do the right thing by people, she agreed to be the bridesmaid, and organised the hen do and so on.

Cut to a year or so later, my friend got married and had her closest friends from school as her bridesmaids - not the needy new "best friend." I can't see that my friend did anything wrong - surely it would've been weirder to reciprocate out of kindness - but by all accounts it didn't go down well.

I'm wondering if something similar is going on here. Nobody has done anything "wrong" as such, there's just an imbalance in the relationship. I feel for you, OP, but maybe you should focus on building stronger friendships with people who are closer to you?

You have every right to feel hurt. Something similar happened to me once but with christenings rather than weddings.
That being said your friend also has every right to choose who she wishes for her bridesmaids. That doesn’t make her ‘a dick’
Are they old friends? Family friends? Do they all know each other?
It’s difficult to really say why she’s picked them and not you. And maybe you’re right that this friendship is more important to you than it is to her. That doesn’t make her a bad person either. Only you can decide if you want that to change..

Does anyone actually like being a bridesmaid though? Seriously what are the perks? I’d much rather be a wedding guest where I could wear what I like and have fun without any responsibility.

Try to keep in mind the reasons why you think of her as a friend in the first place. If you can, bring the topic up with her and tell her it has hurt your feelings. It might turn out that she thought you wouldn’t want to be BM/wants you to do a reading/only having unmarried women as BM.

Don’t let it fester. It really hurts, but don’t feel like it’s a reflection of your own worth.

@Findingthelight1

Having seen this from the other side, I'm not loving the venom for the friend from some posters.

A very good friend of mine was asked by a peripheral friend of hers to be her one and only bridesmaid. This woman described my mate as her best friend, much to my friend's bemusement. It was just all so full on and felt strange - from my friend's POV they got on, but weren't that close.
Anyway, because my friend is kind, and sweet, and wants to do the right thing by people, she agreed to be the bridesmaid, and organised the hen do and so on.

Cut to a year or so later, my friend got married and had her closest friends from school as her bridesmaids - not the needy new "best friend." I can't see that my friend did anything wrong - surely it would've been weirder to reciprocate out of kindness - but by all accounts it didn't go down well.

I'm wondering if something similar is going on here. Nobody has done anything "wrong" as such, there's just an imbalance in the relationship. I feel for you, OP, but maybe you should focus on building stronger friendships with people who are closer to you?

Yeh your good friend sounds like a mean girl.

Yeh your good friend sounds like a mean girl

Why? Honestly - why? If someone you don't know that well started describing you as their best friend, what would you do?

I don't mean to derail the OPs thread, and with hindsight perhaps my friend shouldn't have accepted the bridesmaid role, but it's not an easy situation to navigate.

Tbh I think that people place too much value on the status of “best friend” when actually, for most people once they hit their 20’s have a group of friends some who they get on better with.

If you have say, 10 friends, why does one have to be your “best” friend? I realise that the OP sees this woman as her best friend, but the friend may see the OP as a good friend among a lot of other good friends. The best friend status may not be one she embraces, and as such she has asked say two of her good friends to be bridesmaids, on the basis she can’t ask them all.

I think it’s often the expectation around friendship which makes it so hard for some people to maintain friendships. The expectation that because you act in one way towards a friend they should reciprocate, and if they don’t they’re mean, selfish, not really friends, etc.

Unless she’s actively told you you’re her best friend she’s not done anything wrong here. if you have less friends than she does then you may put more importance on the status of those friends as someone with a larger and more varied group of friends does.

i can understand why you feel hurt, but I don’t think the hate from other posters is on, and neither do I think she’s done anything wrong.

@Findingthelight1 that does sound awkward but she has said several times I'm her only friend (clearly not true, I'm not even an important one) and regularly comes to me with news/for advice e.g. I was the first person she told about her engagement after she'd let her parents know.

@allalongagatha

It just happens all the time, I have people that I would class as my 'best' or main friend and then no one ever seems to see me like that and I just don't know what's wrong with me

I think most of us have been in your position. It does sting

It’s not quite the same but when I got married I sat the best mans fiancé at our top table as she didn’t know anyone and I didn’t want her to be lonely during the meal.

When they got married 18 months later, my husband was best man so at the top table. And I was sat alone surrounded by people I did not know!

Unfortunately you can’t count on people to be as considerate of you as you are of them, and that reflects badly on them, not you.

Hugs, you will feel better once you are over the shock.

Thank you for all the kind responses, thought I was in for a kicking whilst I already feel like shit.

I think it hurts as my wedding was so recent. I just feel embarrassed now and I don't know why, just wish I could make a friend who values me the way I value them but as I get into my later 20s it's becoming harder and harder

@Summerfun54321 i've never been one before so maybe that's also why I'm upset! You're right it seems like a hassle though, just feel like an idiot

@Bizawit thank you 🤍

Its definitely hurtful and obviously the expectation was there on your part and probably on other neutral friends too. Sorry you are being left out,it's a shit feeling.

@HeartsAndClubs

Tbh I think that people place too much value on the status of “best friend” when actually, for most people once they hit their 20’s have a group of friends some who they get on better with.

If you have say, 10 friends, why does one have to be your “best” friend? I realise that the OP sees this woman as her best friend, but the friend may see the OP as a good friend among a lot of other good friends. The best friend status may not be one she embraces, and as such she has asked say two of her good friends to be bridesmaids, on the basis she can’t ask them all.

I think it’s often the expectation around friendship which makes it so hard for some people to maintain friendships. The expectation that because you act in one way towards a friend they should reciprocate, and if they don’t they’re mean, selfish, not really friends, etc.

Unless she’s actively told you you’re her best friend she’s not done anything wrong here. if you have less friends than she does then you may put more importance on the status of those friends as someone with a larger and more varied group of friends does.

i can understand why you feel hurt, but I don’t think the hate from other posters is on, and neither do I think she’s done anything wrong.

Completely agree with everything this sensible person has said. Her viewing her friendships differently to you doesn’t make her a ‘mean girl’ The amount of threads I read on here where 90% of posters believe that weddings are all about what the bride wants and tough shit to anyone who thinks otherwise I have to say I’m surprised at so many unkind things being said about this particular bride and her perfectly reasonable wishes. Of course it’s hurtful not to get picked. But you don’t choose your bridesmaids with the expectation that they’ll reciprocate. You choose them because they’re important to you and you think they’ll be a support to you on the day.

Are you friends with the bridesmaids?
Are they all friends with each other?
Just wondering if there's a different dynamic that dictated her choice.
I've never been asked to be a bridesmaid and now in my early 40s I think that ship has sailed.
for many reasons I would be a shit bridesmaid 😆

Honestly I'd call her out on her - especially the way she casually dropped it on you - then see what her response is. Then probably end the friendship and not go to her wedding. But I do really not suffer fools lightly

I had one of those friends, kept claiming I was her best friend. Then my mother died and she didn’t so much as text me to say how are you etc. Haven’t heard from her since funnily enough.

Congratulations on your marriage 😊

The same thing happened to me OP when I only had SIL and BF as bridesmaids. My best friend had her sisters and nieces as bridesmaids, but I was still a little hurt not be asked. In fact I have never ever been a bridesmaid (and I am well in my 30s!)
We’re still friends now though. I’ve accepted it and it doesn’t bother me now, but I have often experienced what you describe as never being ‘important enough a friend’ for various things in life. That’s probably why I’m quite reserved now as a form is f self defence!