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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about best friend's wedding

156 replies

allalongagatha · 31/10/2021 19:08

I got married a couple of weeks ago and had 2 bridesmaids - my sister and my best friend. Last week my best friend got engaged and I've just found out that she has chosen other people as her bridesmaids and I'm feeling left out and really upset.

AIBU to feel this way? I know I probably am, just feel upset that I cut down on our wedding so much (only my best friend came and minimal family) and then I'm excluded from hers?

I feel like it's worse because I think I always put too much of myself out there in regards to friendships and never have it in return - I'm never someone's 'main' friend, just somewhere in the background. Just feeling really sad right now Sad

OP posts:
Selttan · 31/10/2021 22:36

I feel for you and I've been there. People I used to class as my best friends I now see as my oldest friends and it helps me to not feel so bad when I'm not included in things (but they are good at including me in other ways!).

I wouldn't say anything but I'd avoid being dragged into too much wedding talk / help. That's what her bridesmaids are for.

Bizawit · 31/10/2021 22:41

People saying OP’s friend did nothing wrong - I think people are so unkind, honestly.
It’s like, when I was a kid, my mum always had a principle that if a kid at school invited me to their party, I had to invite them to mine. Whether I wanted to or not. I guess that’s how I was raised- to be kind, polite, and place value in reciprocity.
As an adult , I’ve been a bridesmaid a few times. A couple of times this has been to friends who I wouldn’t consider my nearest and dearest tbh. However, if I get married I will include them in the wedding party. If that means having a slightly larger number of bridesmaids, then so be it. Much better than potentially causing significant hurt to someone else’s feelings for no particularly good reason; or perhaps spoiling their memory of me being bridesmaid for them at their wedding 🤷🏼‍♀️.

Maybe in my case it would be slightly overkill/ matter less, since there would be a long gap between the weddings.
But in this case, OP literally had her friend as one of her only two bridesmaids just a couple of weeks ago!!! And now her friend hasn’t reciprocated. That’s just really hurtful / a slap in the face- Especially as her friend is having several other friends on the bridal party. I definitely think it’s mean girl behaviour.

myheartskippedabeat · 31/10/2021 22:43

Oh @allalongagatha
That's awful

I'd boycott the wedding if she invited you
You deserve better

Don't waste any money on engagement cards/ gifts, hen do's or wedding expenses she sounds vile

Smartiepants79 · 31/10/2021 22:44

It’s is of course hurtful to not get picked but you can’t choose everyone!
She should have 10 bridesmaids just so no one feels left out???
It’s nonsense.
And a kids party is not in any way the same as a once in a lifetime event like a wedding.

moofolk · 31/10/2021 22:46

Why didn't you ask her when she told you?

Threads like this happen all the time and I can't understand it.

If she is really your best friend you'd say straight away 'oi, what about me?!'

You're obviously not as open with her as you think you are.

I do hope you talk to her and get this resolved xx

Bizawit · 31/10/2021 22:47

@Smartiepants79

It’s is of course hurtful to not get picked but you can’t choose everyone! She should have 10 bridesmaids just so no one feels left out??? It’s nonsense. And a kids party is not in any way the same as a once in a lifetime event like a wedding.
10 would be a lot! But presumably it would rarely need to be that many. Maybe she has 6 instead of 5. Is it that big a deal?
elliejjtiny · 31/10/2021 22:48

So sorry OP. Traditionally bridesmaids are unmarried. I've been a bridesmaid 3 times and didn't ask any of them to be my bridesmaid. I wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid when any of my bridesmaids got married either. I was fine with that, and didn't look much of a "maid" when my sister got married anyway. I only know a couple of people who have been a bridesmaid after they were married. I think most people choose young unmarried women or little girls.

Bizawit · 31/10/2021 22:50

And of course you are right that a kids party isn’t the same as a wedding. But it’s the principle. You could take the view- well it’s my party I get to do what I want, or you take the view that other peoples feelings matter and make those -and a principle of reciprocity - a key priority.

Smartiepants79 · 31/10/2021 22:57

But where does it stop?
A bride has a right to choose the few people she wants around her on one of the most stressful and emotional days of her life. Never mind the extra money that would have to be spent on each extra bridesmaid.
She shouldn’t be being emotionally blackmailed in to having a load of people she doesn’t want.

PeterIsACockwomble · 31/10/2021 23:01

@allalongagatha

It just happens all the time, I have people that I would class as my 'best' or main friend and then no one ever seems to see me like that and I just don't know what's wrong with me
Nothing's wrong with you! And the older you get, the more you will appreciate having a handful of really good friends, rather than one 'best' friend, and you'll just not mind when they ask someone else to do x, y or z because friendship isn't a competition and it isn't measurable. It's having people who care about you and whom you care about - while also knowing that they in turn have lots of other people they care about. "Best friends" are best left at school.
Bizawit · 31/10/2021 23:01

@Smartiepants79

But where does it stop? A bride has a right to choose the few people she wants around her on one of the most stressful and emotional days of her life. Never mind the extra money that would have to be spent on each extra bridesmaid. She shouldn’t be being emotionally blackmailed in to having a load of people she doesn’t want.
No one is emotionally blackmailing anyone. I just think it’s selfish and unkind. Only two weeks after she was OP’s bridesmaid she announces her own engagement and fails to reciprocate. Understandably it has caused significant hurt. And , therefore, as I said, it’s just not how I would behave, and it’s not the kind of behaviour I would respect in others either.
KikoLemons · 31/10/2021 23:05

I'd say grow up a bit. And bridesmaids are traditionally unmarried - that's the point. The clue is in the name - "maid".

Kite22 · 31/10/2021 23:11

@HeartsAndClubs

Don’t go to the wedding, turn down the invitation, you are going out with a friend on that day don’t be so ridiculous.

Honestly the petty way in which some people Behave because their friends don’t put them first it’s little wonder that so many people struggle to maintain friendships. Obviously I’m not talking about the OP here but posters making such petty suggestions like the one above.

IF OP starts acting like a petulant child over this, refusing to go to the wedding because she hasn’t asked to be bridesmaid the only person she is going to hurt is herself.

Seriously I’d expect more from a group of teenagers in the playground, and that’s saying something.

Well said HeartsandClubs

I quite often think this with the way some posters respond on threads to do with friendships.

Mamanyt · 31/10/2021 23:13

I do understand being upset, but keep in mind that sometimes who is in a wedding party comes down to, not just what the bride wants, but obligations. Who will be the most hurt, and who will be able to best handle these decisions?

LOL, when planning my own wedding, I realized very early on that I would have to have about 14 bridesmaids, or none at all, to avoid seriously bad rifts in family and friends. I made my wedding totally private...us, our parents, and the couple who owned the beach property we were married on, and had a large reception after.

beautifulview · 31/10/2021 23:14

This is really hurtful and I feel for you. Don’t spend any money on her wedding. You have no obligation. Don’t sit and listen to her talk about it. Don’t be her emotional crutch.

2pinkginsplease · 31/10/2021 23:23

I cant believe some of these replies!

You may view her as your best friend but she obviously has closer friends than you, it does happen. It’s all part and parcel of life.

My cousin was my bridesmaid, I didn’t want to choose between friends, shock horror my cousin didn’t ask me when she got married, was I offended? Was I hell, that’s her choice!

cosyto · 31/10/2021 23:32

Does your friends assume you may get pregnant soon?

rach2713 · 31/10/2021 23:45

I totally get where your coming from im in my 30s married with 4 kids and have no friends only person i speak to all day is my husband and sister but she lives miles away so dont get to see her. Will chat to mums at school but never get asked to go for coffee or anything. You deserve better than a friend like that its clear you noth or on different pages x

aloris · 01/11/2021 00:04

This happened to me. It was awful. Hugs for you.

starfishmummy · 01/11/2021 00:26

Being a traditionalist here - as you're married you wouldn't be a bridesmaid anyway, but a matron of honour. Perhaps she is also a traditionalist too and has decided not to want a MoH?

rrhuth · 01/11/2021 00:27

It may be time to ditch the whole concept of a 'best friend', I have no best friend and have not had since primary school.

surreygirl1987 · 01/11/2021 00:31

I'm going to go against the grain here and suggest you are overreacting. I've never been a bridesmaid. I had 4 bridesmaids at my wedding. I consider those women my closest friends, but I may not be theirs - and that's okay. It doesn't make their friendship any less worthwhile to me if I know there are others closer to them. Comparison is the thief of joy! They all have sisters and have childhood friends they're all really close to (I don't). I'm glad for their friendship and just because they didn't ask me to be a brideamaids doesn't diminish that for me. In fact, I wasn't even invited to one of my bridesmaid's weddings as it was during Covid and she could only have 30 people - she could only have family and thr wedding party (ie bridesmaids and groomsmen). That was a shame but it's a day about her, not me. She doesn't owe me a bridesmaid invite! My request for her to be my bridesmaid didn't come with strings attached!

So I think the posters suggesting things like 'boycott the wedding' are actually being really selfish. You would come across as incredibly childish and petty if you kicked up a fuss. Can't you just remember the day is about her, not you, and consider it as lovely that she has so many friends that it was likely tough to choose her bridesmaids?

I also feel like at my age (mid 30s) I don't really have or need a defined 'best friend' anymore. My husband is my equivalent to a best friend, and I have a bunch of other really close friends. I probably haven't referred to anyone as my 'best friend' since I was a teen...

blisstwins · 01/11/2021 00:39

Are the other bridesmaids married? In some circles/families bridesmaids are only unmarried. “Matron v maid”
It may also be that you are such a good friend she figured you would not mind and the others are difficult.

blisstwins · 01/11/2021 00:39

I am making excuses I know. I would feel hurt too.

penguin23 · 01/11/2021 00:45

My husband had that happen with his best man. Worse still he was told they weren’t having a best man and on the day he found out they did, someone they’d only known a year or so. The bride and groom were bridesmaid and best man at our wedding, my husband and I have known them both since we were all kids. It hurt, and we’ve taken a massive step back to the point of no contact, after what we thought was decades of close friendship.