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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Expectations at Xmas

154 replies

Threebecomesfour · 31/10/2021 14:44

Due to family issues on my husband's side, the likeliest big Christmases in our future will be 10 for Xmas lunch. AIBU to feel disappointed not only for me but for my children?! When I was younger I remember having Christmases with nearly 20 people and they are some of my happiest memories. Maybe it's rose-tinted glasses but I feel guilty my children won't experience the same. What counts as a big Christmas in your eyes?

OP posts:
rrhuth · 31/10/2021 17:34

I guess sometimes, esp if you've been lucky enough to have a mostly happy childhood, you want to try and recreate that!

IMO it is the attitude not the specific details on numbers of people or places that make a happy childhood/Christmas - we have lovely Christmases with just our family and the kids love it.

JustJustWhy · 31/10/2021 17:37

It's quality, not quantity.

Boysnme · 31/10/2021 17:40

Most we have had for Xmas where we have hosed is 8. That was enough! We do have a big family on my side though so have Xmas day with the in laws and Boxing Day with my family. We tend to do year about at one of our houses and have max 20. We do a buffet and secret Santa and everyone brings something so it’s not stressful. I’m not sure I could cope with them all on Xmas day though, or have enough space to seat everyone!

Amdone123 · 31/10/2021 17:43

@JustLyra, you're right. I was quite young then and probably not used to delegating. If I were to do it today, I would tell others to either bring a starter, or a dessert ; that kind of thing. You live n learn ; I would also schedule the day , so get a walk in with everyone or get the kids out for a runaround. I guess it wasn't a total disaster because we still laugh about it today ( and I think that's important - humour is key !).

Onairjunkie · 31/10/2021 17:45

I host 26 each year. It’s wonderful but fuck me, it’s so much work. Much nicer to be a guest to these sorts of things or better still, a child.

Mol1628 · 31/10/2021 17:53

I prefer it being quieter. I like to see family for a couple of hours here and there but generally prefer it being just our family unit.

My OH comes from a big family (10 children) so they always had huge christmases but he doesn’t really like big gatherings either and prefers the quiet.

I guess what this thread shows is everyone is different!!

Invasionofthegutsnatchers · 31/10/2021 17:56

Why is more better? Genuine question

Xmasbaby11 · 31/10/2021 17:58

I think 10 is a big Xmas, though I must admit my best Xmas prechildren was with about 16 people - just so much fun. We are a family of 4 and I do prefer it when we have visitors for Xmas, especially when it's relatives we don't see often, as it makes it so different from all the other days when it's just 4 of us.

The last time I had more than 10 people over was the Xmas before covid. I think 10 will feel like a lot after all the restrictions we've had.

BackBackBack · 31/10/2021 18:00

As a young child my Mum used to host everyone. Traditional set-up where the table was extended with whatever was to hand - wallpaper table borrowed from a neighbour or planks balanced on milk crates with a tablecloth over the top! Garden chairs with young kids sitting on 2 or 3 cushions to make up the height. I think there used to be about 15, possibly more if cousins came as well. It's really nice to look back on, but the house was tiny so it must have been hard to keep on top of everyone and everything.

I've hosted a couple of times where I've had 10. It was fun but really hard work and very very expensive. Even with people sharing - my Mum (when she was well) made the Christmas cake and puddings, my sister brought the sweets and snacks and a few bottles - it still cost £££.

Crazycakelady17 · 31/10/2021 18:00

We have over 20 at my mums she hosts I buy the meat my sister buys the wine my brother cooks (he’s a chef) it’s brilliant however the only year we didn’t go to my mums we lived at the other side of the country DH was in Afghanistan and it was just me and the three DC all under 10 (we couldn’t travel due to bad snow)
And it’s one of the happiest Christmases we have ever had pjs all day kids could actually play with there presents and we had a curry for Christmas lunch wouldn’t like that every year but it was bloody brilliant

phoenixrosehere · 31/10/2021 18:00

I grew up with big Christmases at my grandparents home. We spent morning and afternoon at home, had Christmas Dinner with my maternal grandparents and had treats at my paternal grandparents where you would have 20+ people and a revolving door of friends coming and going. I am so glad my parents didn’t do the entertaining and definitely not one to do it now and with a husband who hates loud noises and an autistic 7 yo will never have to.

Amdone123 · 31/10/2021 18:17

@Crazycakelady17, the curry Christmas sounds fantastic. See, if I could do that, I'd be tempted to stay home and not go abroad!!

InFiveMins · 31/10/2021 18:29

There are always about 15 of us at Christmas and I like it that way. We are a big, close family. However that's just how it has always been because we are a big family. If we were a smaller family then we'd be used to it being smaller and I'm sure it would be just as special!

Original poster
Threebecomesfour · 31/10/2021 18:30

@Invasionofthegutsnatchers

Why is more better? Genuine question
I don't for one minute think it's better... Just what I experienced and so what I know and because I have those happy memories, want to recreate that. It's so nice from all these responses to see that everyone has a different pov and a different idea of a great time at Xmas.
OP posts:
JustLyra · 31/10/2021 18:35

[quote Amdone123]@JustLyra, you're right. I was quite young then and probably not used to delegating. If I were to do it today, I would tell others to either bring a starter, or a dessert ; that kind of thing. You live n learn ; I would also schedule the day , so get a walk in with everyone or get the kids out for a runaround. I guess it wasn't a total disaster because we still laugh about it today ( and I think that's important - humour is key !).[/quote]
I think people who won't just let you do everything is the main thing.

Although, I got slated and called classless on here once because the way we do it is that we split the costs between everyone. Apparently that's akin to charging an entrance fee... Thankfully when it was suggested that most Christmases were held here because we have the most space the first thing that got said by others was that there was no way we were footing the cost every year.

My DH loves shopping and organising (strange man) so he sorts the list of what everyone wants, where it needs ordered from and when it needs to be delivered or collected.

Then delegate on Christmas Eve and on the day. It's a bit of a standing joke here that if you haven't peeled a spud, set up a table, moved a bit of furniture or washed a dish then you don't get any food next time!

shylatte · 31/10/2021 18:36

Personally I think more is better as it gives it a better atmosphere. Me, DH and the dc eat together every day, so it wouldn't be special IYKWIM? If there are 15 people there is plenty of talk/laughter and those who aren't keen socializers can just sit and listen, no pressure.

Deadringer · 31/10/2021 18:42

My mum used to do xmas dinner every year, but the unwritten rule was that once you had dc, unless they were still tiny, you stayed home. My mum's house is small, and with 14 dc and their dps, and countless grandchildren, it just wasn't practical, so it was single/childless only. We always went to mil's when the dc were small, but for the last few years it's just been us, and i love it. There is nothing like staying at home, for real comfort, as my favourite author would say.

Neolara · 31/10/2021 18:43

We have 18 and it's bloody hard work. I don't really find particularly enjoyable.

Olivegreenstrawberries · 31/10/2021 18:50

I have major mum guilt since my kids won't have any GPs at all at Xmas. One side passed away the other side are abroad. But what can I do?! It's out of my control. Hopefully they don't they know what they are missing out on

Concestor · 31/10/2021 19:20

As a child we had what I remember as big Christmases and I've just counted up and it was 10 of us:
My family, uncle, family friend, two grandparents and two cousins
In a big Victorian house with plenty of room to spread out, and it still felt busy.
We have stuff of us at most these days and it's plenty, the kids would get overwhelmed if there were too many more.

Concestor · 31/10/2021 19:20

Six of us, not stuff!

RobinRedbreasts · 31/10/2021 19:58

6 is enough. Christmas is a pain in the arse anyway.

Patapouf · 31/10/2021 20:09

I can't imagine anything more hellish than 20 for Christmas tbh.

Ten is plenty and that's still a proper family get together. My favourite xmases as a child were just my parents and siblings anyway.

Peace43 · 31/10/2021 20:12

Our entire family is 8 people so it’s always 8. 5 adults, 3 kids. I can’t see why more people would be better but we’ve always been a small and tight knit group. 20 sounds like bedlam!

jackiebenimble · 31/10/2021 20:15

I had my best xmas ever last year. When kids went off to Dad. We spent the afternoon just the 2 of us. Due to covid. But it was my best xmas ever. So we are repeating it this year.