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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Expectations at Xmas

154 replies

Threebecomesfour · 31/10/2021 14:44

Due to family issues on my husband's side, the likeliest big Christmases in our future will be 10 for Xmas lunch. AIBU to feel disappointed not only for me but for my children?! When I was younger I remember having Christmases with nearly 20 people and they are some of my happiest memories. Maybe it's rose-tinted glasses but I feel guilty my children won't experience the same. What counts as a big Christmas in your eyes?

OP posts:
REP22 · 31/10/2021 16:45

My childhood Christmases were just 4 of us and they were very happy. I can totally understand why you want to recreate your childhood special times, but don't forget that you are making whole new memories for your children and ones that they will always treasure in their futures.

Have a fantastic time, however many of you there are. x

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 31/10/2021 16:46

@Nocutenamesleft

I love Xmas

Friend of mine has 11 children. I say to her if her 11 children. Had 11 children. They could have 121 people for Xmas!

with spouses included it'd be 142
ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 31/10/2021 16:46

oops, 143

plus the hosts

almaonao · 31/10/2021 16:46

Op mine with my child is looking like max four. I too wish we could spend a lovely big Christmas Day with lots of family but doubt that will ever happen now

TheUndeadLovelinessOfDemons · 31/10/2021 16:49

Don't have expectations for Christmas, birthdays or anything, that way you won't be disappointed. We always spend Christmas alone at home because we never get invited anywhere and DM always makes other plans before we can invite her.

GloriaSicTransitMundi · 31/10/2021 16:49

"I’m glad that recently it has only been 11 as I am disabled (my dd helps on the day) and find things so much harder to do. It’s actually down to 10 this year as my dh has passed away, which will also make this Christmas so much harder too, but I am determined to still continue having my family for lunch."

Sorry for you whoopy1, hope you gets lots of help and manage to have a happy Christmas - wishing you sweet memories..

Original poster
Threebecomesfour · 31/10/2021 16:50

@REP22

My childhood Christmases were just 4 of us and they were very happy. I can totally understand why you want to recreate your childhood special times, but don't forget that you are making whole new memories for your children and ones that they will always treasure in their futures.

Have a fantastic time, however many of you there are. x

Oh thank you 😊 and you too!
I think you're exactly right. I need to focus on what we will do now and in the future xx

OP posts:
Autumnscene · 31/10/2021 16:54

I think when you are a child, being with 20 people would be wonderful
as you are not having to do the catering or have the responsibility of hosting. Different if it’s all on your shoulders, even though I’m sure the family are contributing in one way or another. But it’ll still be stressful.

The biggest Christmas I ever had was at my brothers and there were 11 of us. I loved it, we all helped. Alas we have fallen out since then, family dynamics have drastically changed.

My partner was a chef and catering for numerous people is a doddle to him. We would love to have 10, 20 people over for Christmas but it will never happen. Most we would get is 4 of us. My grown up kids, hopefully one day girlfriends and their children too.

rosegoldwatcher · 31/10/2021 16:55

By putting a large sheet of plywood onto two smaller tables we could, just about, sit 10. What sort of dining arrangements do some of you have to be able to host 20?!

We were 5 last Christmas and will be 7 this time. Would love my Dad and sister to come too but she won't leave her house home town.

BoredPandas · 31/10/2021 16:57

Rose tinted glasses OP! The largest I hosted was 18. NEVER AGAIN! The noise, the hustle and bustle, the never ending people traipsing into the kitchen, the mess, the different personalities, overtired, over excited children fighting. Nope. Never again. My children are adults now and have their own homes, for the third year in a row it’s just DH and I on Christmas Day, we have a lazy morning, go out for dinner and come home to relax. Complete bliss. The family start arriving on Boxing Day and we’ll have everyone here for Hogmanay into New Years Day but it’s a relaxed time and everyone mucks in.

gcgirlsrock · 31/10/2021 17:01

My best Christmases as a child were the ones when we were not hosting other people. My parents were happy and relaxed and had time to play with us. I wasn’t ignored at lunch because they were rushing around trying to serve and talk to everyone and the best present ever was just their time.
Big family Christmases are such hard work, exhausting, expensive and I usually end up missing any quality time with my children. It is the opposite of fun for most children!!! I think you are just viewing it from your own point of view, and not your children’s.

FancyNan · 31/10/2021 17:06

Our family has grown over the years with more people joining than departing, my immediate family is 14 not including pets. Our celebration meals tend to be informal buffets where all the food is put out on the counter. People serve themselves and sit at the extended dining table. It's fun and the kids love it because we don't all live nearby. Plus we didn't grow up with extended family so as we've grown up we've recreated what we missed out on for our kids.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 31/10/2021 17:06

I remember Christmas Day when I was a child as quite boring. Mum spent all morning in the kitchen, we had to be ready for family coming for lunch and I couldn't play with anything because people were coming. I would be the only child and I really didn't enjoy Christmas dinner.

After seeing my mum spend all day cooking and stressing I vowed that when I had children Christmas would revolve around them and not around competitive hosting!

JustLyra · 31/10/2021 17:07

We alternate between 12/14 and 22ish.

The elder three of our kids are adults now and when they talk about Christmases it's always about the traditions and random things. It's never about big years or small years.

Also the people are important. If there's any single person there that doesn't like big gatherings then it can totally change the mood entirely.

SpinachIsAGatewayDrug · 31/10/2021 17:08

20 people sounds awful (to me).

Growing up it was mostly us 4 with the occasional grandparent. I have nothing but wonderful, happy memories of my childhood Christmasses which were all very magical at the time.

Amdone123 · 31/10/2021 17:08

@gcgirlsrock, that's a great post and a great way of looking at it. When I hosted my disaster (see above), I never spent any time with my ds...and that's who I thought I was doing it for ! I probably spent the whole day stressed and snapping !!

XingMing · 31/10/2021 17:11

When I was a kid, Christmas and Boxing day lunches normally involved 10 to 15 people around the table, from very old to very young. This year we shall sit down to lunch as 10: one great grandma, two GPs, an aunt, uncle and their grown up son, plus a 3 year old and a 1 year old with their parents who will be more stressed than anyone else.

2pinkginsplease · 31/10/2021 17:16

Growing up there was always my gran , my mum , her sisters and all the children. Approx 12 of us. Now we celebrate Christmas Day with the 4 of us and my mum.

I’d love to go back to the huge family celebration but we don’t all live near each other and prefer waking up in our own homes on Christmas Day.

Times have changed,

Holly60 · 31/10/2021 17:17

10 is roughly about what we have each year and it’s lovely. Lively but manageable

SpringRainbow · 31/10/2021 17:19

10 sounds like loads to me, I couldn’t handle that every year if I am honest.

I much prefer smaller quieter Christmas with very little pressure/ expectations.

Then again, I secretly would love a Christmas where we do absolutely nothing Christmassy.

However, the kids alone are reason enough why that will never happen anytime soon.

Maybe when they are older and have their own families/ plans.

Ifailed · 31/10/2021 17:19

OP, you must have grown up in a massive house! I couldn't fit 20 people into mine if I wanted to, and I certainly couldn't put up enough tables and chairs for them to all sit down and eat.

Onatree · 31/10/2021 17:26

In our household we have taken the utmost care to ensure Christmas is always - always - just us. Me, spouse, ds who is 6, Dd who is 1 and our little dog. Beautiful.

Wouldn’t change it for anything.

I find it a peculiar framing of things to say “those who were lucky enough to have” busy christmases. Why is it considered ever so lucky? We’ve got wonderful family at both ends and our family units Christmas Day is very important to us.

JustLyra · 31/10/2021 17:31

[quote Amdone123]@gcgirlsrock, that's a great post and a great way of looking at it. When I hosted my disaster (see above), I never spent any time with my ds...and that's who I thought I was doing it for ! I probably spent the whole day stressed and snapping !![/quote]
How much other people do is key to it being relaxed.

The first few times we did big Christmases it was bonkers and stressful. Now it's much more chillled because we all know what everyone's strengths are and everyone pitches in accordingly.

A lot of the prep and set up is done on Christmas Eve and there's a lovely tradition of my MIL (and late FIL), DH's Gran and another older relative taking the children out for lunch and a panto trip. Things like that all add in.

FuzzyPuffling · 31/10/2021 17:32

Any more than two is a big Christmas for me.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 31/10/2021 17:34

and I usually end up missing quality time spent with my children

but a, you don't have to miss quality time.
how much hosting is there to do after lunch is done?
we do coffee & tea after opening gifts which takes what, 10 mins to prepare?
we have food & drinks out so people can help themselves, they can open the fridge if they want a cold drink.
there's plenty of time to build Lego with DS6, chat with DD, play some party games, even go for a brisk walk.
DH & PILs always have a nap on the sofa. it's adorable. the kids decorate them and take photos which is hilarious.
one year my niece and I painted our nails with her new varnish and had a good giggle - grandma was on nappy duty so all was fine.
another time I spent an hour in DS1's room as he was trying out his new guitar.
every year is different and it's what you make it.

b, you can have quality time with your kids any day of the year.
if the actual Christmas day is a bit of a blur and a flurry of activities it's not ruined. make the next day even more special

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