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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Expectations at Xmas

154 replies

Threebecomesfour · 31/10/2021 14:44

Due to family issues on my husband's side, the likeliest big Christmases in our future will be 10 for Xmas lunch. AIBU to feel disappointed not only for me but for my children?! When I was younger I remember having Christmases with nearly 20 people and they are some of my happiest memories. Maybe it's rose-tinted glasses but I feel guilty my children won't experience the same. What counts as a big Christmas in your eyes?

OP posts:
ElephantOfRisk · 31/10/2021 15:59

So OP, are you saying that small families and small Christmases mean that the children are unhappy? YABVU

RobinPenguins · 31/10/2021 15:59

Christmas when I was young was only ever 5 of us. I’ve got 8 adults and 3 children coming to us this year and that feels massive!

SpookyS · 31/10/2021 16:00

As a child I absolutely hated big Christmases. Especially when we had to drive to other relatives houses. 10 people was enough to make me dread it.

I much preferred small ones at home, and still do.

cuttlefishgame · 31/10/2021 16:00

10 for Christmas dinner would be a stretch for us - I haven't even got that many plates.

Snoods · 31/10/2021 16:00

We tend to have Christmas Day just us or with a set of grandparents. Basically we just make sure everyone has some company. Then Boxing Day we have a buffet/open house for close and extended family

Couchbettato · 31/10/2021 16:00

We frequently have upwards of 15 after kids and partners are added on. It's fucking hell.

No where to pissing sit down. Wrapping paper every where. Not being able to figure out who got what and off who. Ears ringing. Being involved in more than one conversation and pretending to be interested in the fact someone just bought an Xbox AND a playstation for their bratty 5 year old.

Wish the lot would all just fuck off after lunch to be fair.

Unfortunately my nan hosts and I live with her so not got much say in the matter.

shylatte · 31/10/2021 16:03

I can really relate OP, and (irrationally) can’t understand why anyone only wants it to be their own family on Christmas. I grew up with my whole extended family at Christmas and have very fond memories of it. DM decided years ago she wasn’t hosting anymore, and I am hosting this year for 12. It will be stressful in some ways but I am a very relaxed person, so not going to worry about table centre pieces or beautiful table set ups. This year for some reason I feel especially emotional, it’s hitting me that my parents are not getting any younger and one of my siblings is going to their ILs, so we are all over the place. I feel the need to recreate the atmosphere we had as children.

We had a nanny growing up, she was only 20 when she started with us and still lived at home with her parents and 8 siblings. They were poor and lived in a tiny 3 bed terrace but the atmosphere in their house was magical at Christmas. Their (tiny) living room was decorated with an abundance of the cheapest, tackiest decorations but it was heaven as a child. It used to take them all day to decorate the room. Every year they would invite us down to meet Santa, who was the dad dressed up and all the children from the street would be queuing up to get in too. Our nanny told us once they became teens they didn’t get presents (and as a MC family we thought this terrible) anymore as the money went on the younger dc, but she always looked forward to Christmas so much. I’m so not crying thinking back to those days…..we still get a card from them and 30 years later they still keep us this tradition.

Mosky · 31/10/2021 16:03

I bet you were never the host for those Christmases with 20!

I have always hosted for 30+ years, usually around 10 or 11 Christmas day and another 7 or 8 Boxing day.
2019 I was on chemo and my sister hosted.
2020 was just the four of us DC 22,and 14 plus DH and me. It was the best Christmas ever. So relaxed and fun.

This year I'm hosting again. Sigh.
7 Christmas day and 11 later in the week. It's an easy meal but I just don't like all those people at once. I'm really not a natural host it's just the lesser of two evils - I hate going to others even more Grin

flipflop76 · 31/10/2021 16:03

Our biggest has been 6. Usually it's only 4 or 5.

Floralnomad · 31/10/2021 16:06

This year we will be 8 and that is at least 1 if not 2 too many .

OhPatti · 31/10/2021 16:06

10 people's probably about the most I'd be able to stand - and that's with someone else doing the hosting and cooking, no blooming way could I host that many without major stress! Grin

With just the 4 of you, you can make it all about quality time and having whatever kind of fun you all feel like having on the day, without having to take anyone else's agenda into account.

RampantIvy · 31/10/2021 16:07

There were 9 of us at my sister's a couple of years ago. That counts as a big Christmas to me as it is usually only three of us at home. I don't live near my family, and that Christmas was particularly special.

GoodnightGrandma · 31/10/2021 16:07

We don’t have anyone for Xmas lunch. It’s just us. So do t worry about it.

MildRose · 31/10/2021 16:08

@Floralnomad

This year we will be 8 and that is at least 1 if not 2 too many .
Why does it sound as if you have specific people in mind who you'd rather not be there Halloween Wink?
CambsAlways · 31/10/2021 16:09

Never in a million years, ours have always been 5, us and our 3 children

RuleWithAWoodenFoot · 31/10/2021 16:09

My christmas memories are of shed loads of people too, I loved it.

We don't have a big christmas day deal now, but have a big boxing day thing instead - maybe 40 people for a shooting party (farmers with clay pigeons before anyone thinks we're posh). Last time this happened, my child hid behind a chair with my brother's 3 kids. She didn't have fun.

It is what you make it.

Original poster
Threebecomesfour · 31/10/2021 16:10

@cptartapp

My parents are dead, neither made 70, so we spend every Xmas now with PIL who drink warm Vimto Xmas day and whose last contribution to our Xmas lunch for ten, despite having lots of money, was two £1 cheesecakes from Morrison's. My childhood Xmas were huge affairs with laughter, silliness, extravagance and fun. Bitter? You bet.
Very sorry to hear that. I hate when people are happy to take people's generosity but won't give anything back, especially at Christmas.
OP posts:
DriftingBlue · 31/10/2021 16:10

The few times our family gatherings got as big as 20 as a kid, I always ended up feeling overwhelmed and left out, not surrounded by joy. 10 is a good size.

Strokethefurrywall · 31/10/2021 16:12

We always had big christmases growing up but I live overseas now so we generally do with friends - I’ve hosted 16 before and it was pretty stressful, now the most I’ll do is 12 for the sit down and other friends joining in the evening for cheese/crackers/booze etc.
This year we’re going to a champagne brunch with friends though so nobody has to cook. Will probably be 14 including the kids.

I love big Christmases as well, last year was 4 of us, year before 8 of us - I much prefer more people for the social aspect!

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 31/10/2021 16:13

we have 7 kids so if we just have PILs over that 11 people.
we had more for lunch today🤣: they were here plus DS2's mate and another friend (so 13 in total)

we had DS3'S mates sleeping over for 2 nights in a row this week - on Thursday we had 18 people round the dinner table. it's nothing.

we could easily host PILs (2), BIL2 and fam (12), BIL3 and fam (6) plus SIL3's parents (2), and DH's uncle & cousins (3) - but there are a lot of obstacles so it's unlikely.
I don't mind how many people are here for Christmas: DH cooks and if my ADHD or hyperacusis get the better of me I can always hide in my cave to take a break
(I have a cave. it has a tv, a bed, armchairs, some of my crafting stuff, a door to the garden, snacks etc.. it's wonderful 😁)

we are hoping family members can travel from abroad, (BIL 1 & fam from Sydney definitely can't) if they all

Motorina · 31/10/2021 16:16

@Threebecomesfour

Due to family issues on my husband's side, the likeliest big Christmases in our future will be 10 for Xmas lunch. AIBU to feel disappointed not only for me but for my children?! When I was younger I remember having Christmases with nearly 20 people and they are some of my happiest memories. Maybe it's rose-tinted glasses but I feel guilty my children won't experience the same. What counts as a big Christmas in your eyes?
I'm no contact with my family and spend Christmas day alone. There are a lot worse things than 'only' having ten for dinner.
MrsSugar · 31/10/2021 16:20

I wouldn’t worry. I grew up with only my mum, dad and brother and we had great Xmas’s. I don’t loook back at all and think anything bad about it at all. As an adult the only negative effect id say Is that I struggle in a big group at Xmas. My husband has lots of family and I find it really chaotic and noisy so really I look back at my small family xmas’s as the ideal !

Original poster
Threebecomesfour · 31/10/2021 16:20

@shylatte

I can really relate OP, and (irrationally) can’t understand why anyone only wants it to be their own family on Christmas. I grew up with my whole extended family at Christmas and have very fond memories of it. DM decided years ago she wasn’t hosting anymore, and I am hosting this year for 12. It will be stressful in some ways but I am a very relaxed person, so not going to worry about table centre pieces or beautiful table set ups. This year for some reason I feel especially emotional, it’s hitting me that my parents are not getting any younger and one of my siblings is going to their ILs, so we are all over the place. I feel the need to recreate the atmosphere we had as children.

We had a nanny growing up, she was only 20 when she started with us and still lived at home with her parents and 8 siblings. They were poor and lived in a tiny 3 bed terrace but the atmosphere in their house was magical at Christmas. Their (tiny) living room was decorated with an abundance of the cheapest, tackiest decorations but it was heaven as a child. It used to take them all day to decorate the room. Every year they would invite us down to meet Santa, who was the dad dressed up and all the children from the street would be queuing up to get in too. Our nanny told us once they became teens they didn’t get presents (and as a MC family we thought this terrible) anymore as the money went on the younger dc, but she always looked forward to Christmas so much. I’m so not crying thinking back to those days…..we still get a card from them and 30 years later they still keep us this tradition.

This is wonderful. Thank you for sharing ❤️
OP posts:
kwiksavenofrillsusername · 31/10/2021 16:21

We sometimes see extended family on Xmas afternoon and it’s chaos. 20 drunk people chatting at once is very loud, plus kids running round causing chaos, blaring TV/Xmas music and trying to get people fed and watered… a whole day of that would drive me mad.

shylatte · 31/10/2021 16:24

@Threebecomesfour now as an adult I realise it’s the traditions that mean the most. We were the dc that got £500 spent on us each but that one day seeing Santa (and there wasn’t even a present) will stay with me forever.