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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfeeding in public

429 replies

Allthingsfloralandpatterned88 · 31/10/2021 02:52

So I'm sitting in the corner of a reasonably busy cafe with DS (3 months) and he starts wailing. I realise I am wearing a dress that isn't amazing for nursing as I have to hike my boob over the top as opposed to opening it at the side. But I do this and latch him on.

However DM who I am with starts shrieking "darling you can't do that" and trys to stop me. She then keeps trying to drape things over my boob and DS's head which means he then loses his latch and I get flustered.

She is great with DS and a big help but she has done this a few times before/ suggested I find a quiet room etc. Is this a generational thing? I've been quite happy feeding in public but she makes me feel like a kind of mad hippy! I now am starting to feel self conscious for feeding in public around her and its making me more anxious about feeding in public in general. I kind of feel as though I should stick to my guns because I don't feel like I should always have to leave the room/ try and find somewhere in private when I'm out and about. Early motherhood is hard enough as it is!

OP posts:
TheKeatingFive · 31/10/2021 08:50

And as for feed your baby 'if you have to' well yes we have to. Starving babies is not a good outcome. 🙄

Yogaandcocoa · 31/10/2021 08:51

The person feeding could just dress appropriately too. HTH.

I have an EBF four month old BTW so I feed in public. I'm not shaming women for feeding. I just think feeding a baby should mean you have zero consideration for others.

Yogaandcocoa · 31/10/2021 08:52

@TheKeatingFive that was a bad choice of words. Of course feed if baby is hungry. I EBF and don't make him wait for a feed.

Waternoice · 31/10/2021 08:54

@lisaandalan

Definitely a generational thing, they'd have never ever breastfeed in public. They probably rushed to the shops in between each feed and rushed home again x
What a ridiculous comment. I fed mine anywhere and everywhere, trains, cafes, pub gardens, play grounds, theme parks, even during a parent teacher meeting (I was the parent Grin) and that was in the 80s and 90s
TheKeatingFive · 31/10/2021 08:54

The person feeding could just dress appropriately too. HTH.

But that'll mean many different things to different people. Some will expect those huge BFing covers. Some don't have an issue with a teeny, tiny flash of nipple.

If you wear a lot of dresses, BFing friendly ones are very expensive. I totally understand why people may not want to shell out a lot of money because others can't cope with seeing their boob for a micro second.

Yogaandcocoa · 31/10/2021 08:54

I just think feeding a baby should mean you have zero consideration for others.

Shouldn't! 🤦‍♀️

Typing with one hand as feeding baby Grin

TheKeatingFive · 31/10/2021 08:55

Of course feed if baby is hungry.

Thanks for the permission Wink

GraceandFrankie · 31/10/2021 08:56

@Yogaandcocoa

I just think feeding a baby should mean you have zero consideration for others.

Shouldn't! 🤦‍♀️

Typing with one hand as feeding baby Grin

Yes, because people will drop dead in the street when they see a tiny bit of boob…
legovsfoot · 31/10/2021 08:58

Also everyone having a go at OP about what she wears, breastfeeding dresses are so expensive! A V-neck dress works just fine

Also cowl necks! They were great and also flattering

Duckrace · 31/10/2021 08:58

I personally never witnessed anyone dropping dead whilst I breastfed, but there was one man who stood in the park opposite my seat masturbating, and a ticket collector who threatened to throw me off the train unless I went to the loo to do it.

Duckrace · 31/10/2021 08:59

And T shirts and jumpers are the answer.

Yogaandcocoa · 31/10/2021 08:59

@TheKeatingFive I do get finances may be an issue and maybe it is harder with dresses. I went to an event last week where I wore w lovely feeding dress from Seraphine but it was expensive and I still felt more exposed than I usually do.

I usually wear t shirts and jeans when I'm out so I just wear a vest under my t shirt when I'm out and that's comfortable for me. When women around me have their whole breast out feeding I'm a bit 🙄 I can't help it. I think it's unnecessary and the women I have in mind are unlikely to be unable to afford other clothing.

Obviously my views are based on my own face experiences and I can't really say more than that.

Yogaandcocoa · 31/10/2021 09:02

@TheKeatingFive

Of course feed if baby is hungry.

Thanks for the permission Wink

Don't be obtuse @TheKeatingFive I was correcting what ud said

@GraceandFrankie Thanks for your well thought out contribution! You've made us all think with that one Grin

That's disgusting @Duckrace

thefamous5 · 31/10/2021 09:05

@Yogaandcocoa

I think it is a generational thing and also maybe people who haven't BF in public or seen others do so don't know how to handle it. My DH can be awkward about me feeding in public and often suggests going somewhere private. I am mostly comfortable feeding him out and about.

However I also agree with this:

You breast feed your baby, you know the chances of your baby needing a feed is high, so why wear a dress rather than something with easy access that allows the job to be done with the minimum of fuss.

I don't think it's necessary to show everything when you are feeding and I tend to wear a vest under t shirts so that I can feed discreetly.

In a way I am not surprised your DM was embarrassed if you had your breast out over your dress and often wonder why women don't wear BF friendly clothing!

I bf my 2.5 year old, sometimes in public.

I refuse to buy any bf specific clothing. I don't have the money, and I have a perfectly good wardrobe already. I whip my boob over the top, under, out, whatever needs doing because it's just a breast, something that is literally there to feed a baby/toddler.

I am not buying and wearing different clothes just to appease someone who can't cope with a flash of boob - they have eyes which they can move if they're that bothered.

thefamous5 · 31/10/2021 09:06

@sandgrown

People should be able to feed where and when they want but there are definitely some “performance “ breast feeders who let it all hang out . They sit there with a challenge me if you dare face and I do understand it makes some people feel uncomfortable.
If you can see they have that look On their face, don't look at them. You're obviously Paying too much attention to them
Katyppp · 31/10/2021 09:10

Sadly we have lost all consideration of others.
I am sick to death of reading that everyone who hasn't got a young child or baby is wrong about everything and needs to be put right and told the way it is.
Who decided this age group were te arbitors of what's acceptable or not?
Why should older people be expected to be considerate to a breastfeeding mum, yet that mum evidently does not have to considerate of HER mum's feelings?
There is so much entitlement these days, everyone is absolutely convinced today's way is the only way.
Guess what - one day, your way will be outdated and wrong. And I hope their daughters and DILs are as sneering and nasty to them as they were to their older.

Duckrace · 31/10/2021 09:12

Yogaandcocoa

It was. Vile. Back in the late 80s it wasn't uncommon, though.

Nojusttheone · 31/10/2021 09:21

Yes it's a generational thing. I was banished to another room to breastfeed when visiting parents/in laws etc.

I like the idea of throwing a blanket over her head when she's eating Grin

Katyppp · 31/10/2021 09:22

That was a general rant, by the way.
I haven't got grandchildren but my friend who has says she is constantly walking on eggshells in case she says something that her DIL finds deeply offensive.
I am tired of mums being earnestly told to 'gently explain' or 'show them the website' as if anyone 40+ is some kind of halfwit who knows nothing.
We raised you and your partners, don't forget.

Charlene1971 · 31/10/2021 09:25

@Yogaandcocoa

I never get how women can wander around with the skimpiest of tops on for a night out yet someone breast feeding is commented on

Many of the people who might complain about seeing a woman's breasts in a cafe over breakfast probably wouldn't be on a "night out" in those places.

People don't like to hear it but not everyone wants to see your breasts.

Ultimately feed your baby if you have to but you can still have consideration for others may be comfortable with too.

That's the issue though. People only feel uncomfortable because we continue to hide it. If breastfeeding in public was more common, then people would feel more comfortable with it 🤷‍♀️

It confuses me when men get uncomfortable seeing women breastfeed, yet are more than happy to whip their willies out in the public toilet for anyone to see, and don't bat an eyelid at other men doing the same 🤷‍♀️

TheKeatingFive · 31/10/2021 09:26

When women around me have their whole breast out feeding I'm a bit 🙄

And how frequently does this actually happen to you?

Because I've lived in one of the most BFing friendly places in the country and I have never seen this in my entire life.

MilkywayMonarch22 · 31/10/2021 09:28

I always hated breastfeeding in public as I felt really self conscious, but forced myself to as 1.) baby needed to eat and 2.) it's not anything to be ashamed of.

Even though I could tell my DM was self conscious for me she would always keep it to herself and support me with whatever she could, ie passing me bites of food while I was feeding, talking to me when I needed it or just being quiet with me when concentrating.

Is it the sort of relationship where you can raise to her that you know she feels uncomfortable but times have changed and people largely recognise that a babies need trump whatever weird thoughts people have about women's breasts and their actual primary function!? Maybe if she knows it upsets you and disrupts babies feeding and health, she will make an effort.

MilkywayMonarch22 · 31/10/2021 09:30

I do second those as well who mention breastfeeding clothing, doesn't have to be anything fancy.

Skinny jeans and a nice fashionable oversized shirt with a tank underneath looks good and can feed baby in it easily.
Wrap dresses are great. Button down dresses too.
Tops where you can double up the layers.

Xenia · 31/10/2021 09:31

We have no problems with this in this family - in fact even back in the 1930s my grandparents swam naked, even in the 1800s apparently they used to go to beaches with male and female sections to swim! My mother in 1961 was an early NCT member. However when breastfeeding my 5 children I never wanted any trouble so I would be more likely to wear a top which was easily to life up for feeding and I could not feed the twins side by side in public simply because I needed a pillow on each side to do the two at once so didn't feed them so much in public for that reason.

SausageSizzle · 31/10/2021 09:39

On a practical note, I breastfed DS in public a lot and had a breastfeeding cover with a wire bit at the top that held it out so I was covered but I could see the baby feeding and the baby wasn't too bothered by it.

I never felt I had to cover up but it was useful for situations where I felt uncomfortable being exposed like if the baby was screaming, people were staring inappropriately or I was with my in-laws or teenage boy cousins. It wasn't that I didn't feel I had the right to feed uncovered in those circumstances, more that I just appreciated the privacy in some circumstances.