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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to not want to have sex if I've not just showered

175 replies

MrsTweedy21 · 30/10/2021 23:24

Dh has just said he wouldnt be bothered if we didn't shower before sex. I wouldn't be comfortable being intimate if I hadn't. AIBU or is he?

OP posts:

samwitwicky · 31/10/2021 00:44

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

Omg there are just some things you have to figure out yourself as an adult and this is one of them!

Agree.

Thread should've ended there

TaraR2020 · 31/10/2021 00:49

Op, you're not unreasonable or weird for not wanting sex at any times. You are right to feel comfortable, so please don't let any of these responses makes you feel any less than ok with your preference.

You could have a lot of fun though if you're prepared to be a bit more spontaneous

You probably aren't as unfresh as you feel! Noting that you're 50, I wonder if symptoms of the menopause are making you feel self conscious (sweating or changes down below)? If so you can find ways to manage these.

If you can't feel at ease without a wash beforehand, then you could explore other ways of introducing more spice and spontaneity into things :)

tickledtiger · 31/10/2021 00:51

It’s fine 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lockheart · 31/10/2021 00:58

Do what you're comfortable with.

As long as I have recently showered I'm happy, although I'm happier if I can have a quick bidet wash (or just a splash with clean water) first. I don't feel the need for a full shower every time.

Motherdare · 31/10/2021 01:05

Hmm, I honestly don’t think this has ever occurred to me. But then I don’t generally go more than 24 hours without a shower so I don’t think I ever get so stinky that someone would notice. I think if I was in the mood, two people disappearing off to have showers (or one after another if you only have one bathroom) would probably kill off my erection.

Popstarrrrr · 31/10/2021 01:15

I'm with you OP. Morning sex after an evening shower, no problem. Sex after a day of each person using the toilet without running water over their genitals first, no way.

Hell would freeze over before I had oral sex with a penis that wasn't washed immediately prior.

Given that most mumsnet threads suggest people shower every two days as a maximum, the majority of the answers on this thread makes me shudder.

Clementineapples · 31/10/2021 01:21

Never thought about it, when you’re in the moment you can’t just say ‘hold on I need to shower’ nobody is that dirty surely? Just have fun and shower after

chaosmaker · 31/10/2021 01:26

Why not combine the two and have sex IN the shower. Much better :D

CatonMat · 31/10/2021 01:28

I've had a couple of partners who have preferred me not to be showered.
One said he likes fannies to smell like fannies.

DameMaureen · 31/10/2021 01:36

@noblegreenk

I personally think it depends on the type of sex you're having. I don't like giving or receiving oral without being fairly fresh out of the shower first. But if we're having a quick shag without any bells and whistles I'm happy to do that unshowered.

This.

Snugglybuggly · 31/10/2021 01:39

@MrsTweedy21

Dh has just said he wouldnt be bothered if we didn't shower before sex. I wouldn't be comfortable being intimate if I hadn't. AIBU or is he?

He is being normal you are not wtf does it matter!!!

ArcheryAnnie · 31/10/2021 01:41

You don't need any reason at all to turn down sex, ever. If you are not comfortable with it unless certain conditions are met, then that's your call.

Do consider whether you are showering for your comfort, though, or his. If it's for his, you might consider that he might like the way you smell, and prefer that to the smell of soap! If you find that off-putting, then fair enough. If you find that exciting, go for it.

Snugglybuggly · 31/10/2021 01:41

@Popstarrrrr

I'm with you OP. Morning sex after an evening shower, no problem. Sex after a day of each person using the toilet without running water over their genitals first, no way.

Hell would freeze over before I had oral sex with a penis that wasn't washed immediately prior.

Given that most mumsnet threads suggest people shower every two days as a maximum, the majority of the answers on this thread makes me shudder.

Anal!!

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/10/2021 01:00

I always go to the loo pre sex as I have a tendency to UTI's so we get down and dirty and I nip to the loo, while he gets his kit off and I have a quick "swoosh" downstairs. I dont like the idea of not being fresh if oral happens but not to the point of a full shower.

I always shower afterwards though but thats for other reaasons

Ticksallboxes · 31/10/2021 01:19

Never done this.

Me and my DH shower in the morning. Sometimes we have quick wake-up sex beforehand in bed, but usually it's longer sex when our DCs are asleep in the evening.

I can't fathom having to shower beforehand though - surely sex is so messy you'd shower afterwards?

Original poster

MrsTweedy21 · 31/10/2021 01:20

Thank you for all the replies - even the ones calling me odd, weird and abnormal I've taken all comments on board and will try an loosen up bit.

OP posts:

1forAll74 · 31/10/2021 01:26

You can just have a quick wash before sex, that would be fine. If you have a shower before sex,, and it's hot steamy sex, do you have to have another shower straight after ?

Inthetropics · 31/10/2021 02:33

Lesbian here. Good sex = oral sex in my opinion so a quick shower is a must! We'll usually have thw shower together and start the fun there. Spontaneous sex does happen and we still manage to include a shower in it!

starrynight21 · 31/10/2021 02:47

I'm in your age group, been with DH forever, I'm still like that. Happy to have a quick shower before the action starts. It's never bothered either of us - he is much the same too. To each their own !

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 31/10/2021 02:54

It all sounds a bit sanitised and prescriptive. I'm fine with bodies smelling like bodies. Can't imagine anything unsexier than an 'okay, let's regroup in 15 mins after we've showered'.

Boring.

Atmywitsend29 · 31/10/2021 02:57

Why would you shower before?
I won't have sex if I've just showered! Makes me all hot and sweaty and feeling like I need another shower! Why would you wanna get all sweaty immediately after getting all clean?

(if the sex starts in the shower, that's a whole other ball game!)

QOD · 31/10/2021 03:51

God I’m with you op. We both shower every morning so no way would I go near a day old Willy
My endless wee trips mean I’d definitely want to wash the tuppence
Toilet roll remnants on the tongue must be most hideous
I get a sweaty under belly and absolutely wouldn’t re wear knickers! No way would I get the kebab out without a bath or shower

Sciurus83 · 31/10/2021 04:00

Yeh it's you. I misread this, I thought you were saying you didn't want to have sex after a shower because of not wanting to mess up being clean which I sympathise with. No it's not necessary to disinfect before intimacy.

Hopeisallineed · 31/10/2021 04:13

@QOD why would you have toilet remnants on your tongue? 😳

thegameisafoot · 31/10/2021 04:13

Depends what type of sex, really. If oral, you've got a point. I wouldn't feel comfortable giving or receiving if not shower fresh.

And as for the comments about 'what did you do when you were younger?' I imagine for a start, you were younger. The way you feel about yourself and certain activities changes over time.

I mean, I didn't understand the concept of people who only have sex with the lights out. Now as an older, wobblier woman, I understand the need for and appreciate mood lighting.

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