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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stressed over siblings wedding

310 replies

sleepysnoozy · 30/10/2021 22:38

We have been invited to my husbands siblings wedding next year. The kids are invited too. Initially we were excited to go but they quickly booked a venue which is a 4 hour drive from where we (and the rest of my husbands family) live. This has changed things for us as it now means we need to spend two nights there as it is so far away. If we bring the kids the accommodation alone will be £600 for two nights. We also need to consider the usual wedding costs, outfits, Also, it is on a Sunday which will mean that our children will miss school.
We are planning on buying a house next year and feel that the timing of the wedding could be a big financial burden on us. We are a one income family too.
Lastly, the wedding is on at the start of the school year and it would mean that our kids would miss a few days of school in their first week starting in a new school.
AIBU if we turn down the wedding invite?
We have also considered having just my husband go but that would mean he does a 4 hour drive there and back the next day after a late night at the wedding.
What do we do? We don’t want to be negative over it but it is going to be stressful not matter what we do.

OP posts:
Girliefriendlikespuppies · 31/10/2021 09:07

I think this is really sad, if it was my wedding and my brother and sil had this attitude id be gutted tbh.

I'm not sure id forgive them for not attending.

There will definitely be cheaper alternatives re accommodation and one day off school for their uncle/aunts wedding is not a big deal.

rookiemere · 31/10/2021 09:08

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn but the wedding is at the weekend - it's a Sunday rather than a Saturday, the DCs do not need to miss the start of term provided an able bodied man can cope with a 4 hr drive after the ceremony.
Let's not forget as well that demand for weddings is likely to be high after so many were delayed from the pandemic. Perhaps the couple were unable to get a Saturday.

rookiemere · 31/10/2021 09:09

Oh and regarding the hotel costs, I'm now assuming that rooms are £150 at the venue and OP needs two. We were the only idiots staying at the wedding hotel for my nephews do at £200 a room. Even the grooms DPs stayed up the road at the Premier Inn.

RAFHercules · 31/10/2021 09:10

Do the wedding couple actually live close to the venue or have they randomly pulled it from nowhere? I can understand your annoyance but think you really do need to go.
I'd make an early start on the Sunday, go to the wedding, then put the kids PJ'S on and make an early dart, coming back the same evening (sharing the driving). We have done similar many times as DHs family live 300 miles away.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 31/10/2021 09:12

[quote rookiemere]@LorenzoVonMatterhorn but the wedding is at the weekend - it's a Sunday rather than a Saturday, the DCs do not need to miss the start of term provided an able bodied man can cope with a 4 hr drive after the ceremony.
Let's not forget as well that demand for weddings is likely to be high after so many were delayed from the pandemic. Perhaps the couple were unable to get a Saturday.[/quote]
Yes. i was agreeing. I said week day weddings annoy me, as it is a day off work unpaid, but then again lots of people work weekends so someone will always have to take a day off at lots of weddings.

And i also said the children probably wouldnt miss a day as in the first week monday will be an inset.

Did you mean to tag me?

Lalliella · 31/10/2021 09:12

What time of day is the wedding OP? Is it possible to drive home that day? The kids can sleep in the car. Not ideal I know but at least you’ve made the effort to go. I don’t think the kids should miss the first day of a new school.

godmum56 · 31/10/2021 09:13

[quote rookiemere]@godmum56 I normally never question people's driving abilities, but I'm a rubbish driver and menopausal. I can see it's not ideal, but in this case it seems like the obvious solution. [/quote]
if you are that bad, should you be driving at all?

Lalliella · 31/10/2021 09:13

Those that are saying the Monday is likely to be an inset day - it’s the 5th of September so probably not.

diddl · 31/10/2021 09:16

What time is everything happening?

It might be doable in a day if no one minds missing or not staying long at the evening reception.

RAFHercules · 31/10/2021 09:17

Also re costs, I've just bought an amazing £400 silk dress for my friends wedding, it fits me perfectly and it was £10 in a charity shop. I could resell it afterwards for several times that. You don't have to spend a fortune, have a look on ebay for the kids clothes.

Chocolatewheatos · 31/10/2021 09:20

See I think it's totally UR yo book a wedding 4hrs away from all your family, on a Sunday, and expect children to be able to go. Maybe they've done it to eliminate children without having to say "no children"?

Ellmau · 31/10/2021 09:25

the DCs do not need to miss the start of term provided an able bodied man can cope with a 4 hr drive after the ceremony.

He wants to drink and that matters more to him than his kids' first day at a new school. (I assume.) Suspect that's also why they want to stay at the expensive venue rather than somewhere nearby.

poolblue · 31/10/2021 09:27

Lots of sensible suggestions here OP. What are you going to do?

Pigflewpast · 31/10/2021 09:28

@Chocolatewheatos

See I think it's totally UR yo book a wedding 4hrs away from all your family, on a Sunday, and expect children to be able to go. Maybe they've done it to eliminate children without having to say "no children"?
Or maybe it’s where the brides family live?

Personally I’m amazed at all these people who would find a four hour drive difficult. Unless there are medical reasons why is it so hard?

I would drive there Saturday and stay somewhere cheaper if possible then drive back Sunday evening. Not ideal to leave earlier than you would like but better than the kids missing first day of a new school.

If there’s nowhere cheaper to stay then I would do it all in the day. Long and tiring but it’s a siblings wedding, I’d do it.

HTH1 · 31/10/2021 09:29

What time on the Sunday is the wedding (and are there any transport options apart from driving)?

If morning, I would say go on Saturday and leave late on Sunday afternoon and there are still a few options if it’s on Sunday afternoon (as a PP said, also check that the Monday isn’t a school inset day).

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 31/10/2021 09:31

@poolblue

Lots of sensible suggestions here OP. What are you going to do?
My guess would be ignore this thread entirely then ask somewhere else where the people are more likely to be outraged at the mere suggestion of attending a brother’s wedding? Grin
leftovercoffeecake · 31/10/2021 09:38

It does sound like you’re just making excuses.

I’m not surprised the wedding is on a Sunday. Due to covid, there’s been a build up of weddings/rebooked weddings and it’s much harder to secure a date.

Roystonv · 31/10/2021 09:43

Wouldn't dream of not going. We have nephews and nieces coming to my daughters wedding this Friday (eek!) from over 7 hours driving away; we did it for them, it is what you do for family. Airbnb or bed and breakfast

GirlWithAGuitar · 31/10/2021 09:45

If money was an issue, a wedding wouldn’t be on my priority lists, no matter who it was getting married. If your husband can go alone cheaply then I’d consider that, if not just decline.

LuaDipa · 31/10/2021 09:46

You absolutely cannot miss a close family members wedding. There have been many excellent suggestions, just make it work.

RiverSkater · 31/10/2021 09:46

What time is the wedding? That makes a difference.

Any possibility of driving down early and leaving early and doing it all in one day? It's not ideal. It won't be the fun let your hair down wedding but being on a Sunday with two kids in tow it never could be.

You can't not go - it's just one if those events you have to be at.
Don't buy fancy outfits you can't afford/ borrow or buy from second hand.

Could family club together and hire a cottage? B&b ? Air b&b??
£600 for hotels is totally unreasonable. Do some research!

One income saving for a house. That's hard. Life needs to be lived too. Second parent get an income. Look at the Earn £10 a day thread for ideas.

Theyellowflamingo · 31/10/2021 09:53

”one day off school for their uncle/aunts wedding is not a big deal.”

Ordinarily perhaps, although personally I wouldn’t pull mine out for anybody’s wedding.

But OP says this covers first day at new school - so presumably a child starting reception class or secondary school. You really think a first day of particularly secondary school is no big deal and that it won’t make things at all difficult for a child to miss that first day of finding things out, getting their timetable, introductions to people etc?

Bobsyer · 31/10/2021 09:55

I think you’re looking for excuses. They won’t miss more than one day of school (and possibly not even that as most schools have an inset for the first day of term - or you could check out early and get them there for say 11am) and unless it’s very remote (which you don’t say, just that it’s a long way away) then there is likely a cheaper option for overnight stay. Plus you could drive there on the morning - not ideal sure, but doable.

mam0918 · 31/10/2021 09:57

If you have a good relationship you would figure it out.

I went to my best friend's wedding in Aberdeen and had to be in Birmingham the next day. I had to leave early (as evening guests arrived) and travel through the night but I did it. I also did it alone as DH was at home with our child.

For a relationship as big as siblings (if it's not toxic) I don't think just not going because it's an inconvenience is enough, not taking the kids makes complete sense but non of you even attempting to go just feels like you are making a statement about how you can't be arsed - 4 hours isn't even that much.

Disfordarkchocolate · 31/10/2021 09:57

I can't imagine being this stressed by a family wedding.

I'd wear what I own, so would my husband. Children may need something new but there are plenty of place selling reasonably priced children's clothes.

Accommodation - Premier Inn etc, or B&B.

School - annoying if they miss the first day but like others said it could be an inset day.

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