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Original poster

Friend threatening to tell her DD uni's that she drink drives

163 replies

waterwateronetothree · 30/10/2021 20:29

Friend's DD who is at uni was done for drink driving very recently, her mother is absolutely furious with her to the point she is threatening to tell her uni of her crime as she thinks her tutors would love to know and would appreciate the heads up that one of their students drink drives. Her DD has vowed to never speak to her mum again if she follows through with her threat.

What do you make of the situation?

OP posts:
TrufflyPig · 31/10/2021 08:58

All I can assume is that the mum made some empty threats (with no intention of following through) to her dd in an attempt to shock her and make her grow up and address the consequences of her actions.

Having thought on it I think this too, particularly if the daughter was not taking it as seriously as it should be taken.

Sidehustle99 · 31/10/2021 09:02

This is not a normal parent/child dynamic and there are obviously underlying issues. I think the DD needs support for her drinking/cause of drinking. I don't know why the DM would want to jeopardise the DD's Uni placement - that's not support that's sabotage.

traintraveller · 31/10/2021 09:14

Considering the usual response to drink driving on MN this thread is weird. The usual response when it's a man is to tell the police, their employer, their mum and everyone else. Now it's suddenly not such a bad thing if commuted by a young woman who implies her mum may be batshit.

Sidehustle99 · 31/10/2021 09:16

@traintraveller

She's already been 'done' for it. Do you want her to be double 'done'. She needs help for recovery now.

Rooroobear · 31/10/2021 09:22

The university would care if she was doing a course that requires dbs checks. I did a social work degree and a woman was on it who was convicted of drunk driving in the second year, they gave her another chance and she did it again and was kicked off the course.

CovidCorvid · 31/10/2021 09:24

OP has already said it isn't a course with professional accreditation.

ClareBlue · 31/10/2021 09:33

So she has been convicted as an adult and received her punishment.
If she has to declare this for a job then she has to declare it.
It is absolutely not for anyone else to try and add to a punishment, especially her mother.
Why is she being so vindictive.
Of course we would all be angry if our adult children did this but vindictive retribution that could ruin all her opportunities is not the answer.
The adult daughter has to deal with the consequences. Mother needs to but out.

LexMitior · 31/10/2021 10:12

Well there are two things that don't reflect that well on this adult DD; one is drink driving, and the other is the intention to lie about it to her university. Neither shows good character, does it? I used to provide references - wouldn't do so in this case and if I found out that a student of mine had effectively put my rep on the line by lying, I wouldn't be happy.

Its not on the mother, its on this incredibly stupid young woman - drink driving is one of those offences that says "I don't give a shit about anyone else".

meltingappointment · 31/10/2021 10:13

Well there are two things that don't reflect that well on this adult DD; one is drink driving, and the other is the intention to lie about it to her university.

Lie to her university? You mean not tell them something completely irrelevant to them? What?

meltingappointment · 31/10/2021 10:14

I used to provide references - wouldn't do so in this case and if I found out that a student of mine had effectively put my rep on the line by lying, I wouldn't be happy.

But you would give a student a reference based on what you know. A DD charge would be her responsibility to disclose to any future employer not yours.

LexMitior · 31/10/2021 10:19

Also, its not like future employers won't care, they will. Just because you don't have a professional accredition issue, does not mean any future employer will not ask or know - and believe me, not saying is construed badly and you are not allowed to say "I didn't think I had to say". That is lying and indicates you are not trustworthy.

LexMitior · 31/10/2021 10:22

@meltingappointment

I used to provide references - wouldn't do so in this case and if I found out that a student of mine had effectively put my rep on the line by lying, I wouldn't be happy.

But you would give a student a reference based on what you know. A DD charge would be her responsibility to disclose to any future employer not yours.

Do you think it would reflect well on my judgment if I gave someone a reference and they lied to me? Absolutely not. I still use my professional links from university 20 years afterwards.
SmileyClare · 31/10/2021 10:23

Lie to her university. What?

That's referring to Op's account that the daughter would "deny everything" if the university found out.

meltingappointment · 31/10/2021 10:24

Do you think it would reflect well on my judgment if I gave someone a reference and they lied to me?

Absolutely not. I still use my professional links from university 20 years afterwards.

You are not expected to know every detail about an individual though. So realistically why would you know about this? You reference what you know.

meltingappointment · 31/10/2021 10:25

@SmileyClare

Lie to her university. What?

That's referring to Op's account that the daughter would "deny everything" if the university found out.

Oh sorry my misunderstanding

Ignore me Blush

LexMitior · 31/10/2021 10:25

@SmileyClare

Lie to her university. What?

That's referring to Op's account that the daughter would "deny everything" if the university found out.

Yes - who wants to work with, give references or employ someone like that. Sounds like this adult DD has zero insight into integrity.
meltingappointment · 31/10/2021 10:26

@LexMitior

Ignore me, I picked it up incorrectly.

2020isnotbehaving · 31/10/2021 10:29

Surely at any given weekend out of tens of thousands of students some will be done for drunk and disorderly. Buying drugs, shop lifting or getting into a fight, speeding, or selling dodgy dvds on eBay. Hardly like they are queuing up outside office on Monday morning to Update office of their crimes.

LexMitior · 31/10/2021 10:31

@2020isnotbehaving

Surely at any given weekend out of tens of thousands of students some will be done for drunk and disorderly. Buying drugs, shop lifting or getting into a fight, speeding, or selling dodgy dvds on eBay. Hardly like they are queuing up outside office on Monday morning to Update office of their crimes.
Yes maybe. But I wouldn't employ any of them, would you? These are crimes and btw students used not to be held to such low standards. Clearly things have changed.
OhMyfanwy · 31/10/2021 11:03

This reply has been deleted

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TrufflyPig · 31/10/2021 11:40

@OhMyfanwy It wasn't so much the swearing (I swear all the fucking time), it was the quoting my post then saying 'ffs' back at me. I thought it was rude and unnecessary, I wouldn't allow it in real life if someone disagreed with me so do not see why I shouldn't mention it bothered me online.

I'm also a grumpy sod today (see my thread about being awake at stupid o clock).

meltingappointment · 31/10/2021 12:01

[quote TrufflyPig]@OhMyfanwy It wasn't so much the swearing (I swear all the fucking time), it was the quoting my post then saying 'ffs' back at me. I thought it was rude and unnecessary, I wouldn't allow it in real life if someone disagreed with me so do not see why I shouldn't mention it bothered me online.

I'm also a grumpy sod today (see my thread about being awake at stupid o clock).[/quote]

Just to clarify the 'ffs' was not at you, it was at the mum who thinks telling on her child to try and get them kicked out of university is reasonable.

TrufflyPig · 31/10/2021 12:10

@meltingappointment thank you, sorry, I guess I just took it the wrong way.

Stormsy · 31/10/2021 12:25

The mum sounds batshit and like she doesn't like her daughter very much at all.

Yes she made a mistake, she's received punishment for it from the appropriate authorities. What is the mum hoping to achieve? Why does she so desperately want to humiliate her own child?

Tailendofsummer · 31/10/2021 12:29

I would lose my job if I had a drink driving conviction (and no I don't have to drive for work) so it is realistic to imagine employers would be informed. I'd also be SO disappointed in a dc who did this and wonder whether I'd actually taught them anything about being a good human being. But I wouldn't tell the uni. I wonder does the mother think her dd is being blasé about this and not appreciating how serious her actions were?