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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend threatening to tell her DD uni's that she drink drives

163 replies

waterwateronetothree · 30/10/2021 20:29

Friend's DD who is at uni was done for drink driving very recently, her mother is absolutely furious with her to the point she is threatening to tell her uni of her crime as she thinks her tutors would love to know and would appreciate the heads up that one of their students drink drives. Her DD has vowed to never speak to her mum again if she follows through with her threat.

What do you make of the situation?

OP posts:
scarpa · 30/10/2021 21:00

I assume (hope) the mum has been scared witless and is trying to scare her daughter equally to make her realise quite how serious what she's done is, but doing so in an unhelpful way because she's panicked.

I don't think it's a good idea, but I can see what she means - I stopped talking to my dad for 18 months after he drink drove. It was the only power I, as a 13 year old (who didn't live with him), had that was severe enough to make him realise quite how seriously he had fucked up. And it worked, he sought treatment for his drinking, because he nearly lost something very important to him permanently - I imagine if this mum didn't think her DD was taking it as seriously as she hoped, she might be doing the same.

pippistrelle · 30/10/2021 21:00

I work in student discipline. Depending on all the circumstances, I might be interested (we have requirements around reckless behaviour, or bringing the University into disrepute, for example, that might be relevant). But, if approached with this, I'd probably suggest that it she has evidence of a crime being committed, she call the police. A conviction (for anything) could also be a disciplinary matter.

LexMitior · 30/10/2021 21:01

Does her mother contribute to university fees or the car? Really, its the daughter who has screwed up here, but having a conviction for drink driving isn't a small issue for the future. Did she get convicted before she went to university as you do have to declare any criminal convictions before you go.

LoveGoldberg · 30/10/2021 21:04

The Mum is being ridiculous. Her daughter is an adult and has been punished appropriately by the police. I would be annoyed with my Mum for thinking she has any right to be discussing me with uni, similarly if she thought she had any right to speak to my employer.

Nietzschethehiker · 30/10/2021 21:05

As abhorrent as I find Drink Driving I do also think this DD should get the hell away from her mother.

She is outright trying to get her removed because she is a criminal and doesn't deserve her place ? That's a special kind of nasty.

Kids lash out, Adults don't get a pass.

Presumably the DD is being dealt with by the justice system and once she has completed her consequence she needs to seriously get away from her mother.

I'd also be questioning my friendship with her. To be so outright nasty and vicious to her own daughter is not someone I would be friends with.

The DD needs to face her own consequences as she absolutely should but my god ....what a awful mother

Original poster
waterwateronetothree · 30/10/2021 21:05

No she was caught drink driving after she started uni

OP posts:
HouseOfFire · 30/10/2021 21:06

Parent should tell the police when she think dd is drink driving. There is NO excuse where drink driving is in any way acceptable

titchy · 30/10/2021 21:10

It wouldn't achieve nothing but friend thinks it's not fair that a place at a uni is being taken up by a criminal where they would have been people who applied to the course who did not get on the course.

She won't get kicked off the course. Unless she is doing a course which requires disclosure, she'd have been offered a place regardless. There will be many students (and maybe staff) at the uni with a drink driving conviction. wThe mother is being ridiculous and bitter and her dd will probably never talk to her again.

I do hope the dd has seen the error of her ways though.

Tee20x · 30/10/2021 21:11

The mum is being stupid. She has been dealt with by the police already if she's been "done" for drink driving.

Telling the uni is pointless, does she want her DD thrown off the course or something which probably won't happen.

Very bizarre and parent needs to get a grip.

Carboncheque · 30/10/2021 21:14

’friend thinks it's not fair that a place at a uni is being taken up by a criminal where they would have been people who applied to the course who did not get on the course.’

Ok. So, if that happened and the DD lost her place, then she would have to get a job or apply to study somewhere else. Would the mother inform any prospective employer or new University about the drink driving? What would be enough for her?

GenderAtheist · 30/10/2021 21:17

@Nietzschethehiker

As abhorrent as I find Drink Driving I do also think this DD should get the hell away from her mother.

She is outright trying to get her removed because she is a criminal and doesn't deserve her place ? That's a special kind of nasty.

Kids lash out, Adults don't get a pass.

Presumably the DD is being dealt with by the justice system and once she has completed her consequence she needs to seriously get away from her mother.

I'd also be questioning my friendship with her. To be so outright nasty and vicious to her own daughter is not someone I would be friends with.

The DD needs to face her own consequences as she absolutely should but my god ....what a awful mother

Maybe the mother is worried out of her mind in case the daughter seriously injures of even kills someone and goes to prison .

I don’t agree with her methods/ the threat but I can see how a decent parent would be scared shitless. It’s easy to judge when it’s not your kid who is potentially ruining her own life and that of others.

Summerfun54321 · 30/10/2021 21:34

Sounds like your friends threat has put the fear of god in her DD so it’s a good threat to make. Obviously she shouldn’t follow through with it, but convincing her DD she might is no bad thing.

Regularsizedrudy · 30/10/2021 21:38

They both sound dense

TrufflyPig · 30/10/2021 21:47

Is she doing a course that will require her to eventually register with a professional body?

Because if she is she will need to declare it now anyway. The professional body I belong to takes drink driving very seriously.

2catsandhappy · 30/10/2021 22:13

Both in the wrong. Dd is bluffing about never talking to dm.
£10 says the dd needs dm before dm needs dd.

TaraR2020 · 30/10/2021 22:15

The mother sounds really cruel to me

Don't be ridiculous.

sjxoxo · 30/10/2021 22:22

Utterly stupid thing to do by DD.
BUT. Uni won’t care.. am assuming she is over 18. Therefore her mums input has zero meaning.. I don’t see any benefit for her mum by telling ok her daughter. Won’t make any difference.
She would be better for example refusing to pay DDs car insurance or something along those lines of action. Her daughters an adult but made a very stupid mistake, everyone is agreed on that. X

23minutesfromTulseHill · 30/10/2021 22:33

Friend could just change her will to disinherit daughter and let her know she's done so.

WonderfulYou · 30/10/2021 22:34

My friend drove drunk and his mum phoned the police on him. He wasn’t even that drunk and she phoned them once he was already home but she would rather him get in trouble with the police than risk him doing it again and killing himself or someone else.

I think her mum is probably thinking she will scare her into never doing it again.
Honestly I don’t blame the mum I’d be devastated if my DD did this but realistically the uni won’t do anything about it.

Namechangedforthethousandthtim · 31/10/2021 03:07

The daughter messed up, but the mum sounds like a raving lunatic to be honest 😳

50ShadesOfCatholic · 31/10/2021 03:21

The mother should phone police if she is aware her daughter is driving drunk. That would be an appropriate course of action. Contacting the university is nuts, they are not in charge of road safety.

I have called police on one of my children (not for drink driving) and it was a good move, they were incredibly supportive.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 31/10/2021 03:23

To add though, perhaps the mother shouldn't tell the daughter she is phoning police though because that turns it into a weapon the daughter will use against the mother. She'll keep drink driving to spite her mother. If she just happens to be caught, it might give her a wake up call. At least it'll stop her killing herself or someone else that day.

NiceGerbil · 31/10/2021 03:27

The DD was done for drink driving...

Fine? Ban?

So the DD has been caught and the police etc done whatever they did.

What does the mum hope to achieve by telling the uni? If she wants her kicked off the course then that's shit. Really bad.

DD could talk to uni first get in first. Say what happened police etc. Mum saying wants her kicked off course so if mum gets in touch that's what's going on.

Sciurus83 · 31/10/2021 03:39

Mum is batshit. DH tutors students, I can only imagine the reaction if he got contacted by one of their mummies to make sure everyone she ever came into contact with knew about her bad behaviour. Tragic. It has been dealt with through the police, which is entirely appropriate.

mathanxiety · 31/10/2021 04:06

It wouldn't achieve nothing but friend thinks it's not fair that a place at a uni is being taken up by a criminal where they would have been people who applied to the course who did not get on the course.

This woman is batshit crazy.

If I were her daughter I would be seriously reconsidering my relationship with her.

If I were her friend I would be telling her to get counseling.

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