Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend threatening to tell her DD uni's that she drink drives

163 replies

waterwateronetothree · 30/10/2021 20:29

Friend's DD who is at uni was done for drink driving very recently, her mother is absolutely furious with her to the point she is threatening to tell her uni of her crime as she thinks her tutors would love to know and would appreciate the heads up that one of their students drink drives. Her DD has vowed to never speak to her mum again if she follows through with her threat.

What do you make of the situation?

OP posts:
SarahBellam · 31/10/2021 05:09

I’m a lecturer. I wouldn’t give a shit. I probably wouldn’t even take a call from a parent. If I did and the parent told me this I’d think the parent was crazy and probably quite a nasty person. The daughter is an adult - she’s the one who has the relationship with the university. The parent does not. The daughter was stupid to drink and drive and has faced the consequences. I have no idea what the mother hopes to achieve by tattling on her like some sort of school yard troll.

Offmyfence · 31/10/2021 05:16

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons

I'd be absolutely furious too if one of my DC did this, but I can't see the point in telling the university. It's a irrelevant detail to them, given you've said she doesn't need a clean record or have to attend placements currently. I wouldn't think they'd even add that information to her University records as it's being provided by a third party that's not the police or another official body and could be malicious. This dispute over telling her Uni is taking the focus off where it should be, which is on DDs behaviour.
This.
Offmyfence · 31/10/2021 05:20

I too would be fuming that a child of mine had got this on their record, it will stay with her for a long time, quite rightly. But getting her kicked out of uni is a step too far IMO, their is no legal reason to inform them, so who made her mum the right to be informer.

Offmyfence · 31/10/2021 05:21

@Offmyfence

I too would be fuming that a child of mine had got this on their record, it will stay with her for a long time, quite rightly. But getting her kicked out of uni is a step too far IMO, their is no legal reason to inform them, so who made her mum the right to be informer.
No that o think UNI would kick her out.
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 31/10/2021 05:22

What the daughter did was disgusting and she deserved whatever legal consequences she has or will face.

But her mother wants to see her kicked off her course and then what? She can't get a job in the field she was needing a degree for?

For how long does she intend to continue doing this?

Yes, her daughter did something 100% wrong but if she wants to lose her relationship with her daughter, any future grandchildren, she's going the right way about it.

Unless of course her daughter doesn't care about her drink driving and is laughing about it and not taking it seriously and her mother is desperate to find a way to make her daughter realise just how wrong she was. If that's the case it's still pointless to contact uni but it's understandable that she feels she has to get her daughter to understand the severity of drink driving.

Aposterhasnoname · 31/10/2021 05:25

£10 says OP is the daughter.

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 31/10/2021 05:33

£10 says OP is the mother.

clpsmum · 31/10/2021 05:40

Your friend sounds horrible tbh. What an awful mother. Her dd was caught and punished and now your friend is trying to ruin her education rather than support her. Assume you're friend has never made a mistake in her life. Thank goodness not all mothers are like her

SmileyClare · 31/10/2021 05:42

Well do you sorry your friend's dd drink drive? Or was it a one off bad decision?

I can understand mum making threats (she won't follow them through) particularly if the drink driving has happened regularly.

She wasn't even that drunk what a silly comment.

itsgettingwierd · 31/10/2021 05:47

Your friend is obviously mortified by her DDs behaviour and I guess that's refreshing compared to the people you see minimising this stuff.

However she needs to remove herself emotionally for the situation for a bit.

It really isn't on to plan to ruin her DDs whole future over this. Her dd made a serious mistake and will be punished through the courts - as she should.

But she also be allowed to pay for that mistake as the courts decide and turn her life around.

Maybe it's worthwhile showing your friend evidence that those with good education and a good life are less likely to reoffend.

ViperHalliwell · 31/10/2021 06:00

Sounds like the daughter has already faced justice and will live with the consequences of her actions. If the mother has reason to believe the daughter will reoffend, that should be a matter for the police. The rest of it is out of order (and anyway won't make any material difference). The damage is probably done re the mother-daughter relationship even if the mother doesn't carry through.

Allycott · 31/10/2021 06:08

@TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius

£10 says OP is the mother.
I'd put my house on it being the mom. Just one last attempt to try to control her daughter.
Esskar · 31/10/2021 06:11

This sounds like the consequence of parents who need / expect their dc’s school to do the parenting for them.

LessthanJurassicPark · 31/10/2021 06:16

How remorseful is the daughter / OP?

If she’s not that could explain the mum’s desperate behaviour

Pixxie7 · 31/10/2021 06:23

It’s none of your business, they need to sort it out themselves.

RampantIvy · 31/10/2021 06:25

Would a parent really do that?

Surely the OP DD has already been punished (ban and fine)?

drpet49 · 31/10/2021 06:26

@RampantIvy bore off with your “none of your business”

WTF475878237NC · 31/10/2021 06:28

I would be interested because I'd have s conversation with the student about how convictions including driving offenses will impact accreditation as well as job opportunities and professional reputation.

I'm guessing if the mother was posting here she wouldn't quite have phrased it all in such a way to make out she's as crazy as you have on her behalf. It reads to me like you're a teenager and friend of the daughter moaning about her mum.

ElftonWednesday · 31/10/2021 06:33

Perhaps DD is drinking to forget about her mother. I'd guess that most people who drink drive have an alcohol problem, and the DD would do well to seek out some support from the university.

SaltySheepdog · 31/10/2021 06:36

The issue has already been dealt with by the police, the mother should not get involved. Future applications for jobs will involve a DBS and so information will be disclosed anyway and employers will decide if the conviction is relevant or not.

RampantIvy · 31/10/2021 06:36

[quote drpet49]@RampantIvy bore off with your “none of your business”[/quote]
Eh?

RampantIvy · 31/10/2021 06:37

I didn't say that @drpet49

KatherineJaneway · 31/10/2021 06:41

Is the dd not showing enough remorse for what she did? Is that why the mum is looking for ways to punish her?

DDUW · 31/10/2021 06:41

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Cyw2018 · 31/10/2021 06:46

If your friend was genuinely concerned that her DD was planning to drive whilst disqualified and was too far away to deal with the situation, then there might be a case for discussing the situation with the uni. Other than that she needs to let her DD live as an adult, learn from her mistakes and move on with life.