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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend threatening to tell her DD uni's that she drink drives

163 replies

waterwateronetothree · 30/10/2021 20:29

Friend's DD who is at uni was done for drink driving very recently, her mother is absolutely furious with her to the point she is threatening to tell her uni of her crime as she thinks her tutors would love to know and would appreciate the heads up that one of their students drink drives. Her DD has vowed to never speak to her mum again if she follows through with her threat.

What do you make of the situation?

OP posts:
Kuachui · 31/10/2021 08:05

daughter is stupid reckless and a potential future murderer if she does it again and i would never talk to her again if i knew her.

mum is loopy if she thinks Uni would care.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 31/10/2021 08:07

the daughter is an adult, at university
she could be at work

would her mother threaten to tell her work?

she needs to calm down

Rangoon · 31/10/2021 08:07

I don't imagine that getting breathalysed, charged and appearing in court was any fun or that her daughter has any plans to repeat any of this and won't get the chance to for some time given that she will have lost her licence. I had a great mum. She would have been incredibly angry with me if I had done this but also incredibly saddened for the problems that a conviction like this would give me throughout my life. But my mother would have been doing everything possible to help me.

I can't even begin to imagine having the sort of mother who hopes to get her daughter kicked out of university. What sort of life does that mother think that her daughter would have with dropping out of university without a degree and with a conviction? If I had a mother like this I would have completely cut her out of my life without hesitation and that is not an exaggeration. If she really is your friend, OP, I'd have nothing further to do with her either. The mother is either deranged or spiteful.

Leonardo87 · 31/10/2021 08:07

Both ridiculous. DD needed to learn lesson and hopefully she has. Not sure what the mothers agenda is for telling the Uni as they literally wont care as long as they have her £ 😂 and no course requires driving licence - even as a nursing or medical student who have provisional registration - I have known plenty of Drs and Nurses fully qualified who just get a mark on their record for drink driving. Nothing ever happens. Although there was the case in Glasgow a few years ago where the student hit someone driving home and she ended up in Jail - very very very sad and traumatic story.

ColinTheKoala · 31/10/2021 08:11

It wouldn't achieve nothing but friend thinks it's not fair that a place at a uni is being taken up by a criminal where they would have been people who applied to the course who did not get on the course

so she thinks her dd should never have a job, never pay taxes, never function as a responsible member of society? She's not taking a place away from anyone, she got there on her own merit.

Drink driving is wrong and it's lucky that she didn't injure or kill anyone, but she shouldn't be defined by a stupid mistake she made in her youth.

Cyw2018 · 31/10/2021 08:12

@Leonardo87

Both ridiculous. DD needed to learn lesson and hopefully she has. Not sure what the mothers agenda is for telling the Uni as they literally wont care as long as they have her £ 😂 and no course requires driving licence - even as a nursing or medical student who have provisional registration - I have known plenty of Drs and Nurses fully qualified who just get a mark on their record for drink driving. Nothing ever happens. Although there was the case in Glasgow a few years ago where the student hit someone driving home and she ended up in Jail - very very very sad and traumatic story.
Paramedic Science degrees require driving licences. Also the HCPC will strike staff off for drink driving in certain contexts, ie drink driving to work or drink driving whilst oncall, and therefore have to be informed (obviously in the case of a student this would only likely be an issue if they were driving to a clinical placement).
Pottedpalm · 31/10/2021 08:15

In my experience, Universities don’t interact with parents at all, as the students are adults. We found this out when a dd was given the wrong reference ( same christian name, same course but significantly poorer degree result). We tried to sort it and were rebuffed as they only deal directly with students.

Calmdown14 · 31/10/2021 08:15

Will it involve a court appearance of any kind? If so it would be wise to let the uni's student support team know. These things often end up in the local papers and so come to the attention of the uni (beyond the person's tutors). Convictions should be declared. In this case no, it won't make a difference but you couldn't have someone with a conviction for rape staying in student halls with no one aware and say 'nothing to do with the course', safeguarding issues apply that are beyond a tutor's responsibility to consider.
Is the daughter repentant and does she realise the seriousness of the offence? If not I have more sympathy with the mother's position.
She is risking ruining her own life and destroying others in the process. If my child had a 'no big deal' attitude to this I'd be off the scale as well if she was blind to how bad it is

DeadButDelicious · 31/10/2021 08:16

Firstly, the daughter is monumentally stupid for drink driving and I sincerely hope she has had a suitable punishment and has learnt a valuable lesson, someone could of been seriously hurt or worse and if the worst that's happened is she's been caught and convicted then she should count herself lucky. Drink driving is deplorable.

The mother however is very wrong to consider telling the uni. She's done wrong, that's not disputed and if it were my DD I'd be very angry and upset and disappointed but it would not be ok for me to make matters worse for her. All that would achieve is pushing her away.

Subbaxeo · 31/10/2021 08:18

I would be absolutely furious with my daughter too as it will impact negatively on her life and could have seriously hurt someone else. But to snitch to her university about her? Does she seriously want to fuck up her daughter’s prospects and their relationship? U less her course needs a clean licence and the dd was going to say nothing-yes, I would say to her either you tell or I will. But to do it out of vindictiveness-how is that going to teach her daughter to behave better?

ColinTheKoala · 31/10/2021 08:22

@waterwateronetothree

No she was caught drink driving after she started uni
Well that information will be publicly available in the local press - who knows, one of her lecturers might have even see it.

I hope she didn't have any other students with her.

As a pp said, if you were worried she was going to do it again you'd call the police, though I don't think they can do anything until you are actually driving, or at least sat in the driving seat with the keys. If that were the case though, why would she still have a car at university - presumably her licence has been confiscated (and she has to do her test again before she can drive again anyway?)

thereinmadnesslies · 31/10/2021 08:22

I work in a University student discipline team. The university’s regulations will have a list of offences that a current student will be required to disclose to the university. Where I work, drink driving is not on the list unless it involves injury to a third party.

Having said that, speaking to a pastoral tutor could be a positive thing, because it might allow the student to be signposted to sources of support such as the counselling service.

JesterMcFester · 31/10/2021 08:23

The University will only be interested if the daughter has applied for a minibus licence to drive on behalf of union activities

And then the complaint should (and yes it should) be raised via the union not via course tutors.

wewereliars · 31/10/2021 08:25

The mother sounds like a spiteful controlling lunatic

TaraR2020 · 31/10/2021 08:25

Drink driving aside, the mum sounds abusive

Seriously?
Would you say that about anyone else who considered reporting a crime?

🙄

SmileyClare · 31/10/2021 08:31

What do you make of this situation?

It sounds very far fetched to me. Are you sure as a "friend" you know all the facts, exactly what's been said, and have understood the motives in informing the university? Confused

Why haven't you included your own opinion? Did Mum or daughter give you all this information?

Perhaps you've overheard accusations and threats being thrown around in the heat of the moment, whilst the dd and her mother argued? I doubt very much that any of it was meant.

OrangeCinnamonCocktail · 31/10/2021 08:33

I know of at least one Uni that asks you to declare any recent convictions throughout the course, for any course. They have a duty of care to their other students after all. How/wether this actually works in practice I don't know.

There is clearly more going on here though. If my Dd was caught committing any crime i'd be disappointed, devastated etc I'd do the right things in terms of what is required from me by law..but not sure I would additionally try to ruin her life because of it.

tickledtiger · 31/10/2021 08:33

the mum is a nasty piece of work who probably doesn’t really care about the crime itself, she’s just trying to bring her daughter down for whatever stupid reason.

Fernhilde · 31/10/2021 08:40

The mother will destroy her relationship with her daughter over one mistake. Sounds like a very unhealthy dynamic.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 31/10/2021 08:41

If any of my kids were caught for drink driving I would be disappointed because I have seen the consequences of it.
However, as adults I think that the conviction is sufficient punishment. They have to declare it for 11 years, pay extra for insurance and deal with the ban. Quite right.
How a parent making it worse is can possibly justify it, I don't know.
Strikes me that the daughter should find out whether there is a consequence for her course and then just tell someone at college.

meltingappointment · 31/10/2021 08:41

@TaraR2020

Drink driving aside, the mum sounds abusive

Seriously?
Would you say that about anyone else who considered reporting a crime?

🙄

She would not be 'reporting a crime' though. The crime has been dealt with by the police. You don't report crime to universities Confused

meltingappointment · 31/10/2021 08:43

It's not remotely reasonable to try and get your child kicked out of university ffs.

No need for the swearing, we can engage reasonably.

What the fuck Hmm

saleorbouy · 31/10/2021 08:48

DD is an adult and will have to take the consequences of her actions, she will usually have to declare any convictions to employers in the future so hopefully she's not want pursue law.
The mother needs to butt out and accept that her daughter was foolish and is an adult, the conviction will cause her enough issues in her adult life, I don't think the Uni will care and it will certainly damage their relationship.

TaraR2020 · 31/10/2021 08:53

@meltingappointment thanks for pointing out. I'd missed the bit in the original post that said the dd was caught by police and thought this was about the mum trying to raise some consequences for the dd.

I think the mother has every right to this furious with her daughter but if this has been dealt with by police she should leave it there and not continue to jeopardise her future. I don't think the mum is being abusive.

And no, of course I'm not saying her mum should blow up her whole future if she hadn't been caught by the police but if that were the case I can understand her mother trying to enforce some consequences that would shock her daughter without a criminal charge.

SmileyClare · 31/10/2021 08:53

This sounds very unlikely. And written in a way which is heavily skewed in favour of the dd.

Presumably the mother not only helped finance/facilitate driving lessons, buying and running a car, but also supporting her dd while she pursued her further education, university applications and contributing towards the hefty costs.

It just doesn't add up that she would sabotage all she has invested into her dd. Why now would she try to ruin everything?

All I can assume is that the mum made some empty threats (with no intention of following through) to her dd in an attempt to shock her and make her grow up and address the consequences of her actions.