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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend has chosen not to attend close friends birthday weekend away

136 replies

freaklikemilkshake · 30/10/2021 19:24

Hi everyone I would like to start this post by saying that I am in Friend A's camp because I have never lost a partner before so I could never imagine what it must feel like to lose someone you was in love with.

So in summary Friend A lost her partner who she knew for less than a year 18 years ago, Friend B has a significant birthday coming up which she has arranged for a weekend away with for her closest friends, the weekend away does not fall on her actual birthday. The death of friend A's partner unfortunately falls on one of the days. Friend A does not want to attend because of this. Friend B rang me earlier and was a bit frustrated that Friend A would not attend and said this "She knew him no more than a year, she has known us for more than 30 years". Friend A over the years has claimed she is a widow when technically she's not, I however feel that it doesn't matter what she describes herself as the pain of losing a loved one does not matter whether you're married or not.

What do you think, would you understand Friend A's decision not to attend? For context Friend B would never say anything to Friend A that she is disappointed etc, she has been nothing but polite and sympathetic to her but has let her true feelings known to me in private.

OP posts:

Smileyaxolotl1 · 30/10/2021 19:26

Have you written your post wrong?
How can it be her partner if she dated him 18 years ago?
Or do you mean the weekend falls on the 18th anniversary of his death?

pasturesgreen · 30/10/2021 19:27

Friend A is entitled to not attend birthday weekend away for whatever reason. Friend B is being insensitive and selfish to point out Friend A and her partner had only known each other for a short time before he died.

TotallySuper · 30/10/2021 19:27

she isn't being unreasonable and if that was my friend I would probably say something. But if the friend has been single ever since i guess it's keeping the grief alive for all these years. Shame she can't move on but doesn't sound like she'll change now.

Sirzy · 30/10/2021 19:28

Attending any event like that is never compulsory so if A doesn’t want to go she doesn’t have to.

But at the same time I find it quite sad for friend A if she is still struggling so much after 18 years

PurpleDaisies · 30/10/2021 19:30

I understand friend b’s point of view but it would be pretty unkind to say that to friend a.

SpookyS · 30/10/2021 19:30

Nobody has to attend anything they don't want to.

I often don't go on friendship group weekends away because I'm a terrible sleeper, hate sharing bathrooms, and just don't generally like weekends away with lots of people.

Happy to go to a birthday meal though.

Friend A doesn't have to go for any reason they choose.

BluebellsGreenbells · 30/10/2021 19:31

18 years is a long time - but will assume she’d ruin the weekend anyway? Best not go.

SlugRose · 30/10/2021 19:33

Friend B doesn't sound like much of a friend moaning about her to you tbh.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 30/10/2021 19:33

Is there a typo?

Ultimately friend A can do what they like but they sound disproportionally affected.

Friend A was dating someone for less than a year and still wallows on the anniversary every year 2 decades later?!?!?!
It's not healthy.

If true they need therapy - its not normal my DH and I dont behave that way over deceased parents or deceased sibling(s).

Viviennemary · 30/10/2021 19:33

Friend A has every right not to attend this birthday celebration if it falls around the anniversary of the death of her partner. Friend B sounds a sefish twat. Its all about her. I think I would give her a good talking to under the circumstances. Its not for her to say hos long people should grieve

Original poster

freaklikemilkshake · 30/10/2021 19:35

I have just re-read my post, I should have said it will be the 18th anniversary of the death of my friend's late partner. Sorry if it wasn't clear and was confusing.

Should have mentioned in my OP that friend married after the death of her late partner.

OP posts:

IWishToAnswerInTheAffirmative · 30/10/2021 19:35

There are people out there who are just mired in grief after a painful loss, and there is no moving forward from it.

I know a girl who lost her fiancé five years ago in tragic circumstances. She’s in her early 30s and her life is over. It has just been all consuming for her. She doesn’t work. She won’t attempt to move her life forward because she feels too guilty and sad and cheated (her words).

She joined Widowed and Young and while I know she’s made friends and has a lot of support, honestly I don’t think on balance it’s been good for her. She now ruminates on it all, over and over, with people who are equally mired in their grief.

It’s just awful. My heart breaks for her. Two lives wasted, not just one.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 30/10/2021 19:36

18 years is nothing- l assume she thinks she has lost the future she would have had with this person.

No one should be telling her how she should feel.

Hankunamatata · 30/10/2021 19:36

Has she had a partner since her partner died 18 years ago?

SlugRose · 30/10/2021 19:36

If she's marked the anniversary for this many years she may be having trouble stopping.

Crunchymum · 30/10/2021 19:36

Friend A had a partner of a year, who died 18 years ago? And refers to herself as a widow?

Glad friend A had any counselling?

Crunchymum · 30/10/2021 19:37

Has* friend A had any counselling?

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 30/10/2021 19:38

the weekend away does not fall on her actual birthday. The death of friend A's partner unfortunately falls on one of the days.

Do you mean the anniversary of the death falls on one of the days…?

And your friend’s partner, who she was with less than a year, died 18 years ago?

Well, she’s entitled to go or not go. But if this really happened 18 years ago, I do think she should be moving on with, and enjoying life. For her own benefit.

Or did this happen 18 months ago? In which case, it’s more understandable that she’s still grieving.

JustLyra · 30/10/2021 19:38

What is with the recent spate of posts that lead to a person who lost their partner years ago getting slated for being “wallowing” or ridiculous or in need of therapy. No doubt there will also be disparaging remarks about the length of the relationship, despite the fact that after a year many people know if their relationship is serious or not.

Friend A is entitled to spend the anniversary of their partner’s death however they want and need. Any true friend would just respect that and not whinge about their birthday weekend.

IWishToAnswerInTheAffirmative · 30/10/2021 19:38

18 years is not nothing though.

saraclara · 30/10/2021 19:39

In a widow of ten years, having been married to my late DH for nearly 35 years when he died.

I'm entirely bewildered by someone refusing to go to a close friends birthday weekend on the 18th anniversary of the death of someone they were with for less than a year.

I totally understand friend B's frustration. Of course friend A doesn't have to go anywhere she doesn't want to, but in her position I'd have come up with a more understandable reason, frankly.

Heartofglass12345 · 30/10/2021 19:39

Friend A may not still be grieving but it could be that that particular date is just hard for her. I only knew my husband for a year before we were married and had a baby, so she may have thought that her partner was the one for her and that she was going to be with for the rest of her life.
Friend B has every right to be disappointed but it's not the end of the world.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 30/10/2021 19:40

Sorry, cross posted.

So she clearly has moved on and is enjoying life, if she’s since married.

She just does not want to go on the birthday weekend, quite clearly.

Friend B needs to accept that.

Heartofglass12345 · 30/10/2021 19:41

Oh I just noticed the part where she re married, that is strange to me then. Sounds like an excuse

SirChenjins · 30/10/2021 19:42

He died 18 years ago? And they only went out for a year?

If I’ve understood that correctly then yes, I can understand friend B’s frustration and disappointment. Do you think there might be another reason - mental ill health, financial issues, something like that?

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