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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has chosen not to attend close friends birthday weekend away

136 replies

freaklikemilkshake · 30/10/2021 19:24

Hi everyone I would like to start this post by saying that I am in Friend A's camp because I have never lost a partner before so I could never imagine what it must feel like to lose someone you was in love with.

So in summary Friend A lost her partner who she knew for less than a year 18 years ago, Friend B has a significant birthday coming up which she has arranged for a weekend away with for her closest friends, the weekend away does not fall on her actual birthday. The death of friend A's partner unfortunately falls on one of the days. Friend A does not want to attend because of this. Friend B rang me earlier and was a bit frustrated that Friend A would not attend and said this "She knew him no more than a year, she has known us for more than 30 years". Friend A over the years has claimed she is a widow when technically she's not, I however feel that it doesn't matter what she describes herself as the pain of losing a loved one does not matter whether you're married or not.

What do you think, would you understand Friend A's decision not to attend? For context Friend B would never say anything to Friend A that she is disappointed etc, she has been nothing but polite and sympathetic to her but has let her true feelings known to me in private.

OP posts:
CavernousScream · 30/10/2021 23:57

@Offmyfence I don’t care that they weren’t married. If she feels like a widow after the death of her partner, she’s a widow. It’s not 1895.

saraclara · 31/10/2021 00:01

[quote CavernousScream]@Offmyfence I don’t care that they weren’t married. If she feels like a widow after the death of her partner, she’s a widow. It’s not 1895.[/quote]
widow
/ˈwɪdəʊ/

noun
1.
a woman who has lost her spouse by death and has not married again.

People can't just dictate what they are.
They weren't married, she knew the guy for less than a year. It was 18 years ago and she is married to someone else.

To claim that her behaviour within the bounds of normal grief is pretty odd in itself.

Offmyfence · 31/10/2021 00:02

[quote CavernousScream]@Offmyfence I don’t care that they weren’t married. If she feels like a widow after the death of her partner, she’s a widow. It’s not 1895.[/quote]
2021, 2093, 1895

She's not and hasn't been widowed.

Offmyfence · 31/10/2021 00:02

*2003

Offmyfence · 31/10/2021 00:04

[quote CavernousScream]@Offmyfence I don’t care that they weren’t married. If she feels like a widow after the death of her partner, she’s a widow. It’s not 1895.[/quote]
I'm also not sure of the use of the word "partner" less than a year in 2003 I think it was probably boyfriend.

sessell · 31/10/2021 00:20

It's the judgment that's the problem here and in many of the posts. Friend A didn't need to give her reasons, but the date matters to her and she marks it. I do the same with the anniversary of DHs death. I always keep it free, I don't say why, just that I'm busy. Maybe friend A was pushed for a reason. Maybe she has PTSD, maybe she just doesn't want to give up a whole weekend. Whatever, it's her business and should be respected. Those giving judgement and advice should just....

Cosyblankets · 31/10/2021 00:21

I was widowed.
I remarried
I don't refer to myself as a widow.
The first anniversary, I was going away a few days later and felt I couldn't look forward to the holiday as I needed to get through "that day"
The next one I actually was away and we raised a glass to him

It's not for anyone else to say how she deals with that day but I do wonder how her husband feels

alexdgr8 · 31/10/2021 00:25

nobody has to go anywhere.
friend b sounds like a schoolgirl. immature. she needs to grow up.

TheAntiGardener · 31/10/2021 00:34

I’m not really seeing the drama here tbh. One friend isn’t going because, worst case scenario, she just doesn’t want to and has come up with a weak excuse. But just as likely, is genuinely marking a sad day in the calendar. Unusual, but not something to judge.

Other friend is miffed, which I think is understandable, and had a moan to you. Hasn’t been unpleasant to A, hasn’t made a meal of it. Just a moan to another friend.

Hardly makes her a selfish twat as one charming post had it.

A rare AIBU where nobody is actually being unreasonable, just human.

SelkieQualia · 31/10/2021 00:34

Friend A can decline for any reason she likes, although she sounds a bit unhealthily stuck. Friend B is entitled to some private frustration, so long as she's just venting to you and not gossiping with everyone.

NiceGerbil · 31/10/2021 00:39

OP you and B have known A for over 30 years.

A partner died 18 years ago.

You knew him then, and the circs of his death.

So you must have your own opinion of whether A or B are being unreasonable.

As you knew them as a couple and how he died. How old he was etc.

That's pretty fundamental to your question.

So why ask people who don't know any of you to judge whether one of your friends is reasonable in remembering this man on the day he died, or not...?

Arbitan · 31/10/2021 00:41

Friend A isn’t a widow.

Friend B is unreasonable. Throwing her dummy out because someone won’t come to her weekend away? Is she about 10?

saraclara · 31/10/2021 00:46

@Arbitan

Friend A isn’t a widow.

Friend B is unreasonable. Throwing her dummy out because someone won’t come to her weekend away? Is she about 10?

She's not thrown her dummy out. Read the OP.

"Friend B rang me earlier and was a bit frustrated that Friend A would not attend"

Tailendofsummer · 31/10/2021 00:54

You're not allowed to look forward to your birthday on mumsnet (unless you are a child)

NadiaVulvokov · 31/10/2021 00:58

Someone I know lost their finance about 15 years ago. He was murdered in very senseless and tragic circumstances.

She has since married and has two children. However she does still mark her fiancé’s birthday.

She says that doing that was one of the things that allowed her to move on-realising she didn’t have to forget him and pretend he never existed.

She was about thirty when he was murdered. She know she had to move on relatively fast if she wanted to meet someone else in time to have a family. She knew it would take her years to get over it if she did that she didn’t really have that time.

So knowing she didn’t have to do her grieving all at once and then put it away in a box helped her get back on her feet a lot quicker. She started dating again after a couple of years.

She met her now husband after about six months of dating. She also said that when dating again mentioning her previous fiancé and that she’d always celebrate his birthday really helped her sort the wheat from the chaff. Her now husband was someone who got it and was empathetic about it. She says he knew he was quality and a decent person very quickly from his reaction.

There was also the trial and a lot of media coverage that made the time after the murder pretty difficult. And it is always different when a young person dies I think.

So I kind of get how keeping a memory alive, but only at a certain day, actually helped people move on with things like marriage and children rather than get in the way of it. You let the feelings have their place rather than squashing them down.

DietCokeChipsAndMayo · 31/10/2021 01:28

Friend A is being ridiculous

tcjotm · 31/10/2021 01:41

@NadiaVulvokov your friend sounds lovely and very wise. I’m so glad she was able to move forward and have a family after such a tragedy.

Shasha17 · 31/10/2021 01:43

Of course I wouldn't expect her to attend a birthday celebration on such a painful date. What Friend B said was disgusting and she sounds like she's not a very good friend. How dare Friend B say that Friend A only knew him for a year, in such a belittling and cruel way? Love is love. And thr first year of love is often the beautiful honeymoon period where you have the giddy, butterflies type love, it's an intense time. To lose someone you love is unbearable, and time doesn't measure love. Friend A won't only be mourning for her lost partner, but also for the life they could have had (and maybe even planned) together. She is perfectly within her rights to call herself a widow if that's how she feels, and if that's how best describes her pain and the life shattering situation she went through.

I suggest you support your friend through this painful time, like any decent friend should, and tell Friend B to get some compassion.

With friends like Friend B, who needs enemies?

Shasha17 · 31/10/2021 01:46

Also, within a year, my husband had met, moved in together, got engaged, got married, and fell pregnant. We knew RIGHT AWAY that this was for life, and are still together and blissfully happy many years later. Time does not measure love. I pity people who don't understand that.

Coyoacan · 31/10/2021 01:53

Surely to lose a boyfriend during the first year you are together, when everything is still extremely romantic and eighteen years ago, which to my mind suggests that they were both quite young would leave a lasting scar.

I don't personally go in for commemorating the anniversary of a loved one's death, but maybe if something like that had happened to me, I would.

Ginger1982 · 31/10/2021 12:26

Hmm...I lost my dad 26 years ago when I was a teenager. I obviously think about him on his anniversary but it wouldn't, and hasn't, stopped me doing fun things on that date.

icedcoffees · 31/10/2021 12:49

It is unusual but ultimately she doesn't have to attend if she doesn't feel up to it.

I wonder if maybe the anniversary is a handy "get out" clause? Maybe she can't afford a weekend away?

whitehorsesdonotlie · 31/10/2021 12:55

After 18 years you'd expect someone to be a little further on the path to acceptance and not grieving quite so much, but maybe your friend just remembers anniversaries and remembers her partner then, not just on random days?

JudgementalCactus · 31/10/2021 13:02

[quote CavernousScream]@Offmyfence I don’t care that they weren’t married. If she feels like a widow after the death of her partner, she’s a widow. It’s not 1895.[/quote]
Lol, that's not how the world works.

If I only have "fur babies" and I feel like a mother to them, does that make me one? Of course not. You can't just slap labels on yourself like that.

todaysdilemma · 31/10/2021 13:09

She knew her partner less than a year?

And is mourning his death 18 years on despite getting married?

Am I missing something? 18 years to mourn over someone she knew less than a year. How was he her partner if they knew each other less than a year?!