Friend has chosen not to attend close friends birthday weekend away

[freaklikemilkshake]

Hi everyone I would like to start this post by saying that I am in Friend A's camp because I have never lost a partner before so I could never imagine what it must feel like to lose someone you was in love with.

So in summary Friend A lost her partner who she knew for less than a year 18 years ago, Friend B has a significant birthday coming up which she has arranged for a weekend away with for her closest friends, the weekend away does not fall on her actual birthday. The death of friend A's partner unfortunately falls on one of the days. Friend A does not want to attend because of this. Friend B rang me earlier and was a bit frustrated that Friend A would not attend and said this "She knew him no more than a year, she has known us for more than 30 years". Friend A over the years has claimed she is a widow when technically she's not, I however feel that it doesn't matter what she describes herself as the pain of losing a loved one does not matter whether you're married or not.

What do you think, would you understand Friend A's decision not to attend? For context Friend B would never say anything to Friend A that she is disappointed etc, she has been nothing but polite and sympathetic to her but has let her true feelings known to me in private.

I don't think there was a typo? Friend A dated someone for less than a year who then passed away, 18 years ago.

I'll be honest, I think she probably needs some counselling.

Has she moved on and got a partner since?

My granpldparents died between 12 and 17 years ago and I loved them dearly. But I don't stop doing normal things on the anniversary of their death.

Do you think there might be another reason - mental ill health, financial issues, something like that?

I’d put money on it being: she just doesn’t want to go.

Friends are there to help you through the bad times in your life. If at all possible, you should be there to help them celebrate the good ones. Like a significant birthday.
What does she spend the day doing?

She obviously just doesn’t want to go.

I think Friend A has big issues to make a thing of it after 18 years. Sure may feel the need to remember and mark the anniversary but to not do anything and move on is weird. It could be a flimsy excuse or she likes to be the centre of attention and wants to be begged to go?

But surely the friend knew this before booking her birthday event? Why would you book it to coincide with that day especially as it’s not their actual birthday. Regardless of whether they feel it’s appropriate or not for her to still be in mourning, they are being unreasonable booking it for that day and expecting her to come.

It sounds like an excuse to me. Shouldn't need an excuse but I guess she feels she does.

I am on the fence. On one hand, I see Friend B's point, and would probably be frustrated too. On the other hand short relationships can be very intense, even without someone dying on you, and the loss of a future that can signify, and generally speaking I think it's unfair to judge how other people grieve.

@Miliao

But surely the friend knew this before booking her birthday event? Why would you book it to coincide with that day especially as it’s not their actual birthday. Regardless of whether they feel it’s appropriate or not for her to still be in mourning, they are being unreasonable booking it for that day and expecting her to come.

X post I wouldn't recall the date of a friend's partner's death, 18 years later, I think.

I shed a tear the other day at photos of my cat that died 12 years ago this week. 😬

@Miliao

But surely the friend knew this before booking her birthday event? Why would you book it to coincide with that day especially as it’s not their actual birthday. Regardless of whether they feel it’s appropriate or not for her to still be in mourning, they are being unreasonable booking it for that day and expecting her to come.

You expect friend B to remember the date that a man her other friend dated for a year, 18 years ago, died?

I don't expect anyone to remember what date my husband died. Not even those friends who knew him for as long as I did. Still less plan their own events around it.

@Miliao

But surely the friend knew this before booking her birthday event? Why would you book it to coincide with that day especially as it’s not their actual birthday. Regardless of whether they feel it’s appropriate or not for her to still be in mourning, they are being unreasonable booking it for that day and expecting her to come.

You would honestly expect someone to remember that date? I would bet hardly anyone would.

Friend A has married since? Does her husband know she's still paralysed with grief for someone she dated for less than a year?

I think Friend B is allowed to feel pissed off with it all if, as a group, you regularly have weekends away for this type of thing. If not, Friend A just doesn't want to go but should have said something more plausible as to why not.

I lost my husband of 24 years 10 years ago
I value my friends.
It's really hard and no rules for everyone but life does have to go on.
Last weekend was my late husband's 60th birthday. I felt a bit sad but my fiance came with me whilst we put flowers on the grave the day before then we went on holiday together.

My mum dwelt on the fact I was a widow and I think enjoyed it a bit. There's no right or wrong answer but 10 years on I am enjoying life whilst quietly respecting my late husband's memory. Your friend could do this too.

@Miliao

But surely the friend knew this before booking her birthday event? Why would you book it to coincide with that day especially as it’s not their actual birthday. Regardless of whether they feel it’s appropriate or not for her to still be in mourning, they are being unreasonable booking it for that day and expecting her to come.

You know all the anniversaries of the deaths of people your friends have lost?

I don’t think that’s usual, to be honest.

Apologies, I took this as she has done this every year (day of mourning) for 18yrs. I’d like to think I’d remember a close friend’s dark day. If this is not the case then of course she isn’t being unreasonable. But I do think people mourn differently and should be allowed to. Try as you might it’s impossible to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, especially when it comes to live and death.

I think Friend A is unreasonable. It was a short relationship, many years ago, and she wasn’t too upset to marry someone else.

As PPs said, probably just an excuse (but I’m guessing Friend A is no barrel of laughs anyway).

@Miliao

Apologies, I took this as she has done this every year (day of mourning) for 18yrs. I’d like to think I’d remember a close friend’s dark day. If this is not the case then of course she isn’t being unreasonable. But I do think people mourn differently and should be allowed to. Try as you might it’s impossible to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, especially when it comes to live and death.

It’s the one year anniversary of the death of my good friend’s brother coming up and I will definitely be reaching out to her (for example).

But 18 years later, when she’s since remarried?

What do you think her new husband should be doing to remember the anniversary of the death of her previous partner?

To me, that’s much odder.

Friend A can miss the weekend for whatever reason she wants but she cant expect people not to judge her reasons when the death was 18 yrs ago and she recovered from it sufficiently to get married to someone else .

But I do think people mourn differently and should be allowed to.

Up to a point. And that point was reached a very long time ago.

If I was still dwelling to this degree even three or four years after my late husband's death, I really hope that a good friend would have plucked up the courage to say something, and guide me towards some professional help, so that I could make the most of the years remaining to me.

It bothers me when there are threads here where someone is clearly very stuck and ill with their grief some years on, and people come in and say "leave them alone, there's no wrong way to grieve".
Well actually there is. And sometimes people need help to unstick themselves.

Friend A could do with that friend. Driving away other friends by obsessing on a particular date in this kind of circumstance, needs a bit of a gentle nudge. I dare say her DH feels the same, but telling her so is risky for him.

@Miliao

Apologies, I took this as she has done this every year (day of mourning) for 18yrs. I’d like to think I’d remember a close friend’s dark day. If this is not the case then of course she isn’t being unreasonable. But I do think people mourn differently and should be allowed to. Try as you might it’s impossible to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, especially when it comes to live and death.

I might get flamed for this Today is the third anniversary of the death of a much loved family member.

I don't expect anyone to remember it. We had a family thing the first year. But even if someone has a day of mourning every year for 18 years, I wouldn't remember it.

Unless it's the sort of thing that's all over social media but even then....honestly, people seem very big on death anniversaries now but I hope that in 15 years, I myself will barely notice what day it is.

Yes, everyone grieves differently but it doesn't seem like a date that would be at the front of the birthday friend's mind.

Friend A seems very attention seeking and annoying, this seems like a great excuse to not go away for the weekend, I bet friend B eye rolls just as hard as friend A’s current husband does at this time of year when she starts all the weird ‘widow’ behaviour.

Does friend A have kids?

@LoveGrooveDanceParty

Do you think there might be another reason - mental ill health, financial issues, something like that?

I’d put money on it being: she just doesn’t want to go.

I did wonder that - but using your partner’s death as an excuse feels v wrong to me.

Agree @SirChenjins - but then this is someone who’s still grieving the loss of a partner 18 years ago - having remarried.

So I’m inclined to think all bets are off in the handling things tastefully / appropriately department.