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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has chosen not to attend close friends birthday weekend away

136 replies

freaklikemilkshake · 30/10/2021 19:24

Hi everyone I would like to start this post by saying that I am in Friend A's camp because I have never lost a partner before so I could never imagine what it must feel like to lose someone you was in love with.

So in summary Friend A lost her partner who she knew for less than a year 18 years ago, Friend B has a significant birthday coming up which she has arranged for a weekend away with for her closest friends, the weekend away does not fall on her actual birthday. The death of friend A's partner unfortunately falls on one of the days. Friend A does not want to attend because of this. Friend B rang me earlier and was a bit frustrated that Friend A would not attend and said this "She knew him no more than a year, she has known us for more than 30 years". Friend A over the years has claimed she is a widow when technically she's not, I however feel that it doesn't matter what she describes herself as the pain of losing a loved one does not matter whether you're married or not.

What do you think, would you understand Friend A's decision not to attend? For context Friend B would never say anything to Friend A that she is disappointed etc, she has been nothing but polite and sympathetic to her but has let her true feelings known to me in private.

OP posts:
Feedingthebirds1 · 30/10/2021 20:40

Agree @SirChenjins - but then this is someone who’s still grieving the loss of a partner 18 years ago - having remarried.

Not even remarried. She wasn't married to the partner who died. If she really is still carrying a torch/grieving, then never mind friend B it's the husband I feel sorry for.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/10/2021 20:43

I would also be disappointed. It sounds as though your friend A either needs therapy or is attention seeking. Is she also expecting to be the centre of attention on that day? No one should expect everyone around them to avoid a date almost 2 decades on.

Tilltheend99 · 30/10/2021 20:45

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower I suppose it depends on what kind of death it was. A very traumatic, or unexpected death can leave relatives/partners with PTSD or if someone was caring for the person before they died.

Tilltheend99 · 30/10/2021 20:59

@JustLyra

What is with the recent spate of posts that lead to a person who lost their partner years ago getting slated for being “wallowing” or ridiculous or in need of therapy. No doubt there will also be disparaging remarks about the length of the relationship, despite the fact that after a year many people know if their relationship is serious or not.

Friend A is entitled to spend the anniversary of their partner’s death however they want and need. Any true friend would just respect that and not whinge about their birthday weekend.

This

We don’t know that she marks the anniversary every year. Maybe something happened in her life recently that brought it all back and she just needs a bit of time to move forward again.

Any how a lot of people on her sound particularly callous. We are a Nation whose lost its ability to empathise.

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 30/10/2021 21:01

Why are you supporting Friend A? You are enabling this ridiculous wallowing of nearly 2 DECADES?!!

VampireVicki · 30/10/2021 21:02

Can you clarify OP - this woman refers to herself as a widow, despite being married to someone else, and never having married the person she dated for less than a year 18 years ago?

How does her husband react to that?

She sounds like a total drama llama. I would be glad she wasn't coming along on the birthday do tbh.

Goawaymorningsickeness · 30/10/2021 21:08

@freaklikemilkshake

I have just re-read my post, I should have said it will be the 18th anniversary of the death of my friend's late partner. Sorry if it wasn't clear and was confusing.

Should have mentioned in my OP that friend married after the death of her late partner.

Seems very ott to miss an event so many years after, especially given that she’s moved on enough to remarry. Sounds like she’s using it as an excuse. She shouldn’t really an excuse though, if she doesn’t want to go, she shouldn’t feel she has to.
TravelLost · 30/10/2021 21:11

@VampireVicki friend A wasn’t married to her partner but there is nothing in the post saying that she is now married.

@freaklikemilkshake I think married or not, it is right for her to describe herself as a widow.
You also don’t mention the circumstances of his death but this could also play a big part on how he feels about it.

18 years is a long time ago and i agree she needs support to learn to move with her life. HOWEVER she has t yet and asking to ‘move on’ when she isn’t ready would be cruel Imo. And a b’day WE is certainly not the way to go on about it/helping her.

It’s sad tbh.

TravelLost · 30/10/2021 21:13

Missed the bit where @freaklikemilkshake said the friend had remarried.
Hmm

VampireVicki · 30/10/2021 21:13

@TravelLost OP says

Should have mentioned in my OP that friend married after the death of her late partner.

VampireVicki · 30/10/2021 21:14

Cross post Grin

Of course she might not still be married to him now, but the whole thing looks a bit odd to me.

Lucycantdance · 30/10/2021 21:21

Ffs situations like this drive me mad. People don’t have to go on bloody weekends away or nights out boozing if they don’t want to. Not everyone likes that sort of stuff. Friend B needs to get a grip and leave her alone.

itsallgoingpearshaped · 30/10/2021 21:24

Friend A's unwillingness to move on for 18 years after a less than 1 year dating relationship - that's what it was - seems disproportionate and attention seeking. Has she had counselling? Any subsequent relationships?

I'm with Friend B, although like most, probably wouldn't say anything as it's clear Friend A is stuck emotionally. It's very sad, really.

TheOriginalEmu · 30/10/2021 21:25

It’s an anniversary, I don’t think you need to be ‘paralysed with grief’ or ‘need therapy’ to not want to do something on an anniversary of someone you loved dying. My friend died after less than a year of knowing her, 10 years later I still miss her and that date is tough and I choose to not do much on that date as it usually stirs up emotions, of that day and how emotionally hard it was. It doesn’t mean I don’t live my life, I just choose to keep that one day to think of her.

GreenClock · 30/10/2021 21:31

Friend A, who is married, is using that poor guy’s death nearly two decades ago as an excuse. Not cool.

I wish people like her had the guts to say, “I’ll say no in this occasion but thanks for asking me and have fun”

Sally872 · 30/10/2021 21:35

Friend A not unreasonable not to go. Friend B not unreasonable to be disappointed.

I would be concerned for Friend A that she can't manage weekend away for this reason though.

LittleBearPad · 30/10/2021 21:39

Goodness.

She sounds a bit of a drama llama. It’s hugely sad that a boyfriend died 18 years ago but given she’s married again it doesn’t seem unreasonable for your friend to book an event over the anniversary

Athinginitself · 30/10/2021 21:40

People grieve in different ways and feel things differently. There's no reason to think she is ' wallowing' it might just be that emotions come to the fore on that day and she finds it hard to enjoy herself, or is someone who wants to reflect on that particular day. If she is otherwise a good friend why wouldn't your friend just be understanding of that.

Riverlee · 30/10/2021 21:41

Maybe Friend A has moved on with her life for most of the year, but for significant dates such as her late dp’s birthday, and/or anniversary of his death, she still thinks she should honour his memory. Maybe she would feel guilty if she goes out partying at this time.

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 30/10/2021 21:42

Friend A sounds completely bonkers.

Catflapkitkat · 30/10/2021 21:55

I think friend A is using the the death of loved 18 years ago as an excuse not to go.

zafferana · 30/10/2021 21:59

Friend A sounds like an attention seeking wallower. I wouldn't want her on the weekend away, as she would make it all about her and her 'grief', rather than celebrating Friend B's birthday. Friend A needs to move on, particularly as she is NOW MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE!!!

Lightswitch123 · 30/10/2021 22:02

Friend A doesn't want to go.

Simples

Lightswitch123 · 30/10/2021 22:03

(Or else she's nuts)

PanicStationsAhh · 30/10/2021 22:03

Friend A is quite at liberty to not go for any reason, not everyone enjoys whole weekends away with friends, or can't afford it, etc. But I agree with pp that it is very weird to refer to yourself as a widow if they were together less than a year 18 years ago, especially if they've since married someone else Confused