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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has chosen not to attend close friends birthday weekend away

136 replies

freaklikemilkshake · 30/10/2021 19:24

Hi everyone I would like to start this post by saying that I am in Friend A's camp because I have never lost a partner before so I could never imagine what it must feel like to lose someone you was in love with.

So in summary Friend A lost her partner who she knew for less than a year 18 years ago, Friend B has a significant birthday coming up which she has arranged for a weekend away with for her closest friends, the weekend away does not fall on her actual birthday. The death of friend A's partner unfortunately falls on one of the days. Friend A does not want to attend because of this. Friend B rang me earlier and was a bit frustrated that Friend A would not attend and said this "She knew him no more than a year, she has known us for more than 30 years". Friend A over the years has claimed she is a widow when technically she's not, I however feel that it doesn't matter what she describes herself as the pain of losing a loved one does not matter whether you're married or not.

What do you think, would you understand Friend A's decision not to attend? For context Friend B would never say anything to Friend A that she is disappointed etc, she has been nothing but polite and sympathetic to her but has let her true feelings known to me in private.

OP posts:
Skysblue · 30/10/2021 22:07

Friend A wants to mark her late partner’s death with whatever she usually does to remember him on the anniversary of his death. That is pretty normal behaviour. Many people visit the grave etc on that day.

If Friend B was genuinely a close friend, she would have known about Friend A’s feelings and wouldn’t have chosen that date for a party.

Booking a big “all my friends MUST do what I want for several days because it’s MY birthday” is pretty obnoxious anyway. As is bitching about Friend A’s grief. Can’t see me being very close to Friend B.

saraclara · 30/10/2021 22:20

@Skysblue It's not a bit obnoxious to book a weekend away with close friends for a significant birthday. And no, she shouldn't have to change the date because one friend is still marking an 18 year old bereavement anniversary of someone she knew for less than a year.

Friend B rang me earlier and was a bit frustrated that Friend A would not attend

Being a bit frustrated is hardly bitching. I'd feel the same if not more so if it was my birthday weekend. And I lost my DH after a 35 year marriage.

It would be ridiculous of me to expect a friend not to celebrate her birthday when she wants to, and I'd absolutely go if it was on the anniversary of my DH's death.
I have a lot of empathy for those who've lost a partner, but this is just silly. She has a DH for goodness' sake.

StCharlotte · 30/10/2021 22:25

@freaklikemilkshake

I have just re-read my post, I should have said it will be the 18th anniversary of the death of my friend's late partner. Sorry if it wasn't clear and was confusing.

Should have mentioned in my OP that friend married after the death of her late partner.

Friend A is being bloody ridiculous.
pictish · 30/10/2021 22:28

I’m with friend B. 18 years…come on.

saraclara · 30/10/2021 22:30

I wonder what Mr Friend A has to do while A sits and gazes into the distance recalling her lost love of less than a year, 18 years on.

PassTheDutchyUpYrLeftBackside · 30/10/2021 22:30

@freaklikemilkshake

I have just re-read my post, I should have said it will be the 18th anniversary of the death of my friend's late partner. Sorry if it wasn't clear and was confusing.

Should have mentioned in my OP that friend married after the death of her late partner.

Hmmmmm .

"Should have mentioned friend got re-married".... do you think, OP??!?

👏👏👏

eveningbubble · 30/10/2021 22:40

Friend A over the years has claimed she is a widow that is the attention seeking line here. I'd be annoyed if I was friend B. Friend A is maudlin. Using this poor fella's death as an excuse, isn't really great. Some people are grief merchants. But just to ask to be fair, is there something that happens on that particular day that she does and maybe it's just something she committed to doing (be it with his family, some ritual of remembrance?) or does she just sit it with all again?

Peach01 · 30/10/2021 22:53

Friend B wants a weekend away with her friends for her birthday. Friend A doesn't want to go. "No" should suffice, no point in sulking over it.

phoenixrosehere · 30/10/2021 23:02

Surely if Friend A has been mourning the same person for 18 years around the same time, Friend B would know that she would likely not show up to anything of that day. Friend B is allowed to be annoyed, but she also set herself up to be let down knowing how Friend A is around the time. She chose a weekend knowing about Friend A’s situation and expects her to come to celebrate. I’m not saying Friend B has to accommodate Friend A, but she shouldn’t have gotten her hopes up that Friend A would come. Why she thinks Friend A would change after 18 years makes little sense. If she really wanted Friend A there, she could have chose a different weekend since the weekend she chose wasn’t her birthday weekend anyway.

To me it doesn’t matter how long Friend A knew or was with the guy. Some people come into our lives and make such an impact that we can’t help the emotions we may feel when we recall their passing. Who is anyone to tell Friend A how to mourn or how long she should do so.

If Friend A did come and on that day she was in a poor mood, would Friend B be frustrated and annoyed with her? Would Friend A’s mood bring down the weekend?

NiceGerbil · 30/10/2021 23:12

Different view from me-

18 years ago. Fairly young then I'm guessing? I mean I have no idea how old you are. But even if you're 70 it would be young to die at 50.

And oh a year nothing, depends doesn't it. Again. None of us know the circs etc.

I think totally reasonable maybe she just has a thing of remembering him. Why not?

Friend b is being U.

And I would say that-

Her reaction shows not relaxed about stuff. Maybe A doesn't want to go and this was excuse. Still not good enough though is it.

Did B know A then? Anyway.

I'm with A leave her alone.

I mean I don't know circs but I have acquaintances who died when I was in 20s and I still think of them.

NiceGerbil · 30/10/2021 23:16

'Friend B has a significant birthday coming up which she has arranged for a weekend away with for her closest friends, the weekend away does not fall on her actual birthday. The death of friend A's partner unfortunately falls on one of the days. Friend A does not want to attend because of this.'

Or...

B is going away for birthday. Known 30 years that A remembers bloke on X date. Has booked weekend for that date even though not her birthday. Pissed off a says no thanks.

It's not unfortunate the date he died is on that weekend it's been that way for nearly 2 decades...! I mean come on.

saraclara · 30/10/2021 23:23

Seriously? Maybe she didn't know that friend A refuses to do anything on that day. Maybe it's never cropped up before because there's never been a clash

And jeeze, I can barely remember people's birthdays. Never mind the exact date that one of my friends might not be available because she weirdly marks the death of a boyfriend 18 years ago. Half the time I don't even notice my own husband's death anniversary go by. I would be astonished if any of my friends remembered when it is. Why would they?

Courtier · 30/10/2021 23:26

Nobody has to go to anyone's birthday weekend away for any reason tbh. It's only a birthday.

Patapouf · 30/10/2021 23:30

Friend a needs counselling. Friend b needs to just suck it up if friend A's widow fantasy takes precedence over their friendship.

JustLyra · 30/10/2021 23:33

[quote saraclara]@Skysblue It's not a bit obnoxious to book a weekend away with close friends for a significant birthday. And no, she shouldn't have to change the date because one friend is still marking an 18 year old bereavement anniversary of someone she knew for less than a year.

Friend B rang me earlier and was a bit frustrated that Friend A would not attend

Being a bit frustrated is hardly bitching. I'd feel the same if not more so if it was my birthday weekend. And I lost my DH after a 35 year marriage.

It would be ridiculous of me to expect a friend not to celebrate her birthday when she wants to, and I'd absolutely go if it was on the anniversary of my DH's death.
I have a lot of empathy for those who've lost a partner, but this is just silly. She has a DH for goodness' sake.[/quote]
Friend A isn’t expecting her not to celebrate her birthday though, she’s simply declined to join.

The only one with ab issue is friend B - who clearly has never heard the MN mantra that’s so oft trotted out about invitations not being a summons.

JustLyra · 30/10/2021 23:34

@CrazyTimesAreOccurring

Why are you supporting Friend A? You are enabling this ridiculous wallowing of nearly 2 DECADES?!!
It’s hardly wallowing to remember someone on the day they died. Its not every day, it’s one day.
InTropicalTrumpsLand · 30/10/2021 23:40

A was probably still in the honeymoon period when her partner died, daydreaming of a marriage and children and a picket fence... Then these dreams were all taken away. I'd wager she's not actually grieving for the partner, but for what could have been.

Initially I sympathised with her, but yep. I can't imagine being her husband, and having a wife grieving twenty years on.

phoenixrosehere · 30/10/2021 23:42

It’s hardly wallowing to remember someone on the day they died. Its not every day, it’s one day.

Agree. I can’t imagine telling someone that they need to get over a person they loved’s death because they didn’t know them long enough. Who am I to give a time frame on how long you should know someone before you can grief their passing.

CavernousScream · 30/10/2021 23:45

I’m a widow and am part of widow support groups. There are some people for whom having been widowed becomes a very profound part of their identity and I think it sounds like Friend A is one of those people. It’s not just about the grief (and no one has a right to judge how or how long people grieve for), it’s about this event that has shaped them as a person that it’s important for them to continue recognising, to the point where it’s difficult for them to move on from key dates. It’s not unusual for widows to have complex PTSD too, which could be part of this.

ISpyCobraKai · 30/10/2021 23:47

Is she genuinely still really grieving?
If so she needs help, but I've known people like this and its not so much grief, but drama...

saraclara · 30/10/2021 23:50

I can't imagine being her husband, and having a wife grieving twenty years on.

Exactly. Remembering the guy fondly, yes. But marking the day with such grief that she refuses to have a weekend with close friends on the day?

My DF was widowed tragically before he met my DM and they had me and DB. I have no idea when his first wife died. Doubtless he would remember her with sadness, but he never inflicted it on us or used the date to limit our lives.

B is a drama llama, and calling herself a widow is a great big indicator of that, without the weekend stuff.

Mantlemoose · 30/10/2021 23:51

I'm with friend B. Friend A has remarried but is also claiming to be a widow of someone she wasn't married to? I pity friend A's spouse and also the family of the deceased where some random is claiming to have been married to them!

saraclara · 30/10/2021 23:53

and no one has a right to judge how or how long people grieve for

Maybe not judge exactly. But a good friend should be actively concerned if someone's grief is stalled and not moving forward. It's not helpful to indulge that, when actually the person needs some help.

And yes, a friend is allowed to feel frustrated at times, when it impacts their lives too.

Offmyfence · 30/10/2021 23:55

@CavernousScream

I’m a widow and am part of widow support groups. There are some people for whom having been widowed becomes a very profound part of their identity and I think it sounds like Friend A is one of those people. It’s not just about the grief (and no one has a right to judge how or how long people grieve for), it’s about this event that has shaped them as a person that it’s important for them to continue recognising, to the point where it’s difficult for them to move on from key dates. It’s not unusual for widows to have complex PTSD too, which could be part of this.
She's not a widow, she is however now marred.
tedsletterofthelaw · 30/10/2021 23:55

Two people close to me have lost partners young in tragic circumstances.

Both are in new relationships but they will never fully recover from the grief of their losses.

Although I can't even begin to imagine what they went through, I saw and still see what the grief has done to them so I can see why Friend A is still affected by this.

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