Friend has chosen not to attend close friends birthday weekend away

[freaklikemilkshake]

Hi everyone I would like to start this post by saying that I am in Friend A's camp because I have never lost a partner before so I could never imagine what it must feel like to lose someone you was in love with.

So in summary Friend A lost her partner who she knew for less than a year 18 years ago, Friend B has a significant birthday coming up which she has arranged for a weekend away with for her closest friends, the weekend away does not fall on her actual birthday. The death of friend A's partner unfortunately falls on one of the days. Friend A does not want to attend because of this. Friend B rang me earlier and was a bit frustrated that Friend A would not attend and said this "She knew him no more than a year, she has known us for more than 30 years". Friend A over the years has claimed she is a widow when technically she's not, I however feel that it doesn't matter what she describes herself as the pain of losing a loved one does not matter whether you're married or not.

What do you think, would you understand Friend A's decision not to attend? For context Friend B would never say anything to Friend A that she is disappointed etc, she has been nothing but polite and sympathetic to her but has let her true feelings known to me in private.

Am I the only one who feels a bit sad for Friend A's husband?

She's so upset about the anniversary of the death of someone she dated for less than a year that she can't go to a friends big celebration.

As a husband I think I would feel a bit second best.

Does she feel responsible for his death? I'm not judging but it maybe a ritual thing to visit his grave or whatever
I could see why she finds it difficult in that case

If you've all heen friends for 30 years surely she should have been aware of how her friend commemorates.

If she wouldnt be happy saying anything to widow friends face then she shouldnt really be moaning behind her back.

Friend A doesn’t have to go, but she sounds very unhealthy and I understand friend B’s point.

And friend A is not a widow. That’s ridiculous.

@JudgementalCactus I’d been married to my DH for 20 years when he died last year, but your extreme tact in responding like that would have been great if I hadn’t been. Responses like yours are why widow specific support groups need to exist.

Friend A doesn't want to go and should have used a better excuse. The 19th anniversary of someone she knew less than a year, I'd expect her to have moved on by now and she has in some ways by getting married. Friend B is not wrong to feel exasperated but she doesn't get to tell A how to feel or behave so she should accept she isn't coming.

Friend A sounds like an attention seeking wallower. I wouldn't want her on the weekend away, as she would make it all about her and her 'grief', rather than celebrating Friend B's birthday. Friend A needs to move on, particularly as she is NOW MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE!!!

This 👆🏻👆🏻

[quote CavernousScream]@JudgementalCactus I’d been married to my DH for 20 years when he died last year, but your extreme tact in responding like that would have been great if I hadn’t been. Responses like yours are why widow specific support groups need to exist.[/quote]
20 years is a life together and much different than a one year relationship in your youth though.

Friend A sounds like an attention seeking wallower. I wouldn't want her on the weekend away, as she would make it all about her and her 'grief', rather than celebrating Friend B's birthday. Friend A needs to move on, particularly as she is NOW MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE!!!

This!!

Yep, I agree.!