“I’m sorry, I just think it’s selfish.”

[Oneanddonenotenough]

I know this isn’t a new subject for here but I’d like to garner general opinion to see if I’ve lost grip on reality and I’m being a precious twat to be a bit upset.

Anyway, I was called selfish by a distant member inlaws’ family today for not particularly wanting a second child.

She asked me the age-old “and when can we expect a sibling for…?”. I initially avoided answering because this question really fucks me off for all the obvious reasons. She pushed for an answer and then started addressing the wider room full of my H’s family saying that she believed it selfish to only have one child. I said I didn’t feel like I wanted a second child, especially as I had suffered with crippling antenatal depression and felt suicidal during my first pregnancy, I’m very happy with my family as it is etc. I wish I hadn’t answered by she had form for holding court and was talking to the whole room saying it would be selfish to my child as they’ll be lonely and selfish to my H for not ‘giving’ him another chance at fatherhood, selfish to not try for one of the opposite gender. Ugh.

She’s a bit batshit but as lots of his family began agreeing that one on their own would be lonely, I’m wondering if I am in fact selfish for only wanting one?

In fact I have only once managed to come up with the perfect response on the spot, which is "Sorry, for a minute then I thought you just said....(insert horrific commemt/question) ....then I realised I must be hearing things because you aren't a........ (insert appropriate insult)......... Or are you?"

I feel your pain, I have a 7 week old and the in laws are already asking when I’ll have another baby! Now I just avoid seeing them when I can as they are hard work and have an opinion on everything.

Stick to your guns, it’s your lie and your body

I have 2 children. 1 boy and 1 girl. My boy is the older one. I do love them both but sometimes I just wonder why I had a 2nd. I don't feel proud admitting that. All she has done today is be unkind to her brother. He is a gentle, sweet boy who is autistic. He is just lovely. She can be so spiteful. Having 2 is not the fairytale people like to depict. Please do what you are happy with and in future perhaps just say 'I don't wish to talk about that' over and over until they give up.

Just smile and say "we got it right first time so we don't need to have any more".

Do your own thing. Tell your man to back you up in public. Try to avoid seeing this person. She is bad for you

What. a. dick.

Not you, her, and especially in the context of your PMD. Tell her to get in the sea.

For future reference, just don’t engage with this shit. Tell her that your womb is none of their business.

I never had that, but when I got pregnant (intentionally) with my eldest I was stunned at how many people asked me if it was planned. I found myself stuttering and stammering and saying “erm er, er, yes...” (I was 29 and married to a fellow teacher and owned a house so it wasn’t like I was 17 with a boyfriend who’d dropped out of sixth form and my A levels to consider). But looking back I just wish I’d said “none of your bloody business” to the people that asked. Honestly, the things people think it’s okay to ask surrounding fertility and family planning is astounding.

Wow. What an absolute cow. Im so sorry, but that's atrocious and her behaviour is totally unacceptable. I would be steering clear of that particular person for the foreseeble future. YOUR decision on how you plan your family is absolutely nobody's business.
For what it's worth, my own Mum was an only child and speaks of how fortunate she was to have parents who spent all their time and energy on her and her alone. She never felt lonely or in any way missing anything. I have had 3 kids, all adults now. Two have always been extremely close but recently have had a rethink about their bond and their close friendship has run it's course it seems, the third one doesnt give a shit about their two older siblings and is perfectly happy doing their own thing. So, siblings is not all it's cracked up to be.

I think you can be 100% certain that you emerged from that excruciating scene as the winner.

I know exactly what you mean when you describe the IL family as very proper-yet-opinionated. That's a hard row to hoe, as they say. You have all my sympathy.

Do what suits you. Only child or not, both situations have positives and negatives x

None of her damn business.

Next time just tell her you’ve been sticking to anal and maybe she can recommend some positions seeing as she’s so interested in the contents of your uterus…

She's rude. Her sibling should have been an only child.

Actually it's pretty selfless given climate change.

@EllieSattler

Your problem was not answering with "and why exactly is this any of your fucking business?"

Or answering 'After you hun'.

@Kent01

Do your own thing. Tell your man to back you up in public. Try to avoid seeing this person. She is bad for you

He wasn't there, if you read OP's posts.

This is all about this person's needs/issues/ nothing to do with you personally or even about this decision you have made. It's not selfish at all to take the decision you have. You are more than a birthing machine. It isn't as straightforward for many to just pop out another.

I have been in so many situations similar to this where people really overstep the mark. I come away wishing I knew at the time how to handle it perfectly. I never do! But, what I now try do is get very clear in my head exactly what I will say when this comes up again ( bound to be another time). Something along the lines of 'we' re perfectly ok with our decision right now, but thank you.' Close the subject down immediately and change the subject. If the family member continues just keep shutting it down. Ask a question back, so how is x y z going? Walk away even or keep changing the subject if you can't get rid. That will make it very clear that this boundary is no longer open to be crossed.

It is highly insensitive, it is inappropriate, rude, and belittling and I would not feel one ounce of guilt regards kindly demonstrating the fact you are not open to any further discussion on the subject.

So, last week it turned out my husband had picked up COVID. He has been staying in the spare room since he found out and has not been using the communal areas, ie kitchen, en-suite etc. He eats in his room and puts his dishes outside the door. Myself and the kids are negative. But since finding out my husband has COVID we have been treated like we have all got COVID. My siblings child has spread it at school so my daughter is being treated like a social pariah there too. And my sibling refused to hand my daughter her birthday present outside in the drive, preferring to out it in the floor and take 4 metres back before she would allow my daughter to pick it up. Our kids used to go to school together in the car and we’d take it in turns, but she’s banned my kids from the car. We’ve always celebrated Halloween together but this year no invite.

Don’t get me wrong , I’m all for sensible precautions, but I’m just hurt at the way she has done it. Her reaction is just over the top to my mind. My kids have been in tears over it.

I’m trying hard not to take it personally but the reaction of my nearest and dearest has been so much more brutal than anyone else I know that I just feel hurt.

Am I overreacting?

Another way to see it is the huge damage that the vast population on this earth is causing. More umans means more destruction.

Do remember a relative saying to me after I finally had a second baby, ‘you’re a proper family now’. Wish I could go back in time and tell her to go to hell and mind her own stupid business. We were already a proper family. It’s all judge, judge, judge isn’t it?

@tiggerwhocamefortea

She is of course very very rude and goady to express her opinion openly that way however I personally do think that being deliberately "one and done" as a lifestyle choice ie no medical or financial reasons why you can't etc is a bit selfish and I do think if you have a child you should be prepared to have a sibling but I appreciate that's a pretty unpopular and minority view on MN and why I wouldn't say it to someone's face unless they specifically asked my opinion on the subject.....

I am a "one and done" and very happily so. Even more so when I hear the children next door fighting, screaming, crying and arguing constantly. I think the oldest child probably feels their parents are selfish for inflicting 3 more siblings on them 🤣

People who have any opinions about the fertility and family size of others are arseholes and need to be told so

What I want to know is who the hell are the 3% of people saying that YABU?!!

When DD was about 2, my work colleague asked if I had "any news" for her, would DD be getting a brother or sister soon?

I was not looking my hottest, still carrying the pregnancy weight, diastasis recti, and I was floored.

I looked her straight in the eye and said, "no, WE can't have any more", and she looked like she wanted the ground to swallow her up.

It was a flippant comment, and I'm fairly sure she'll not be so nosy again.

If I can't have any more, because of fertility issues, depression, financial reasons, genetic reasons, relationship reasons, thats all MY BUSINESS, OUR BUSINESS, and some folk love to share/overshare. Not me.

I have found those 6 words cure all, and if you hear "why?" in response instead of "sorry, I shouldn't have asked", you'd be well within your rights to leave the room.

I can forgive one thoughtless question, but not two.

And do say WE.

There’s no one right number of children to have. I’m an only who wanted siblings, but I have 3 dc who really aren’t close so 🤷‍♀️ So all any of us can do is have the number that feels right to us, and pray it all works out.
And she was beyond rude to think she could speak to you like that! You’re neither unreasonable nor selfish, and it’s really none of her business.