“I’m sorry, I just think it’s selfish.”

[Oneanddonenotenough]

I know this isn’t a new subject for here but I’d like to garner general opinion to see if I’ve lost grip on reality and I’m being a precious twat to be a bit upset.

Anyway, I was called selfish by a distant member inlaws’ family today for not particularly wanting a second child.

She asked me the age-old “and when can we expect a sibling for…?”. I initially avoided answering because this question really fucks me off for all the obvious reasons. She pushed for an answer and then started addressing the wider room full of my H’s family saying that she believed it selfish to only have one child. I said I didn’t feel like I wanted a second child, especially as I had suffered with crippling antenatal depression and felt suicidal during my first pregnancy, I’m very happy with my family as it is etc. I wish I hadn’t answered by she had form for holding court and was talking to the whole room saying it would be selfish to my child as they’ll be lonely and selfish to my H for not ‘giving’ him another chance at fatherhood, selfish to not try for one of the opposite gender. Ugh.

She’s a bit batshit but as lots of his family began agreeing that one on their own would be lonely, I’m wondering if I am in fact selfish for only wanting one?

Though I personally am of the opinion that kids are better with a sibling, I certainly wouldnt take that to the level of saying, anyone who doesn't "give them one" is selfish!
There are a 100reasons that it might not be right for someone and those reasons are no one else's f*#king business!
YANBU! She definitely is!

You are being totally reasonable. What the hell business is it of anyone else's except yours and your husband's? I think if that was me, I would have just walked out and left them to it, after giving her a piece of my mind, of course. Stick to your guns hun, your life, your decision.

You are most definitely not selfish OP.

I have an only.

My parents had another after me and sadly, she was born profoundly disabled. My dad is no longer around and my mum is not in good health. It’ll be down to me to care for her when my mum can’t anymore. I love my sister but that’s a hell of a burden to put on your child.

I had a second because I wanted my child to have a sibling. But it's really hard work and I am realising it might have been better to stick with one! My relationship is struggling and I am fed up with rushing around changing nappies all day. My children like each other so there is that. But who knows what the future will bring. You are putting your existing child first by considering the effect on your own mental health. Definitely not selfish at all.

I think if you give her rant a second thought, you are weakening your own decision by giving her opinion space in your head.
You do what YOU together with your husband, agree on. I hate families who disrupt other family member's lives by weighing in with their own opinions and asking the room for their agreement.
It's a matter for you and your H to decide but you are the carrier and producer and mostly, the nurturer.
Next time, dismiss her and say she should be ashamed for polling family opinion on what is a totally private matter.
She's assuming you can afford another child nor can you guarantee the baby would be the opposite sex to the child you have even if you did want one.
She's a HORRIBLE meddler.

So rude OP.

Your husbands family sound uncouth.

I wouldn't be one bit impressed with him telling you to ignore her.

He should contact the family member directly and tell her how appalled he is at her ignorance at such an inappropriate moment and tell his parents how ignorant and uncouth the behaviour was and that HE is mortified that you should be subjected to such crass questioning.

For such "proper" people, they sound tacky and the best tack with people like that is to point out how ghastly THEIR behaviour was.

I really hope the excellent suggestions above give you some ideas on how to take HER down loudly and publicly the next opportunity you get.

One response I liked when I heard someone asked an inappropriate question was " my goodness YOU are very direct, let ME be direct back, none of YOUR business and I don't know why YOU would think it was"

Perfection IMO😁

It's none of their business.

You need to think up some utterly crushing, withering replies so that if any of the family ever raise it again, they will drop it like a hot potato and never dare repeat..

Time to be as shockingly rude and impertinent to them as they have been to you.

I was told I was selfish for not wanting ANY children! I still like MN though, even though I am not really qualified to be on here. Taking a long term view, the world is over-crowded enough and is only getting worse so doesn't need more kids coming into it with all the associated plastic toys, baby wipes and disposable nappies.

Don't worry about whether it's selfish or not.

The one thing all of us have the right to be selfish about is what we do with our bodies.

It's selfish to have kids, it's selfish not to have them... so what. We have the right to be selfish.

I think the votes on here are pretty conclusive and speak for themselves in their overwhelming support of you OP and that should tell you everything you need to know, the size of your family, well that's entirely up to you. The 3%, like the distant in laws, who cares what they think, none of their business!

Ridiculous. Anything but selfish.

I know lots of selfish people who have multiple children and don't look after them properly/neglect them.

Tell her if she really wants you to have a second child, she should offer up her uterus for rent and also pay for the expenses of a second child plus offer up free babysitting for life.

I am going to have only 1 child, feel quite sure of it. The life I want is best suited with 1 child, I wouldn't have a second child to please some random person (or anyone who would not even be involved in raising my kid).

I e if my son's and his wife decided not to have children. They have very full lives, nephews and nieces and horses and dogs. I have a feeling it's his wife who doesn't want them for whatever reason. I have never and would never ask. She's a wonderful wife and DiL and their decisions are their business. I never interfere or question decisions that any of my AC or GC make.

Sorry. Should read 'One of my son's and his wife...'

@thepeopleversuswork

You already know the answer to this. She is unbelievably rude and her attitude is blinkered. It beggars belief that people think it’s appropriate to comment on how another person chooses to structure their family. I think anyone who presumes to think the should express a view on this is ill mannered and ignorant.

I wouldn’t give these people a minute’s thought.

What did your husband say? Did he stick up for you?

That's the only thing that matters in the whole set up. If he did not, more trouble will come your way from the lot of them.

Fuck her and live the life you want. I don’t even think you should care if your H wants another one because it’s always going to be your body and your life. Choice is what our foremothers (is that a word?!) laid the groundwork for so you might as well use it! Personally we couldn’t afford a second without making a lot of sacrifices. I didn’t feel it was fair to my ds to create hardship for him. My H wanted more, I wasn’t bothered and he respected my decision because he knew what having another child would mean for us. If it makes you feel any better, I was an only child and my ds is (clearly); we are both completely fine as are many of my friends who are only children too

Honestly how dare anyone comment to your face about something like this? Who the fuck does she think she is?

If you don’t want another child, for whatever reason, then you are absolutely right to not have another. So glad you’re not considering appeasing this dreadful woman.

“Poking your nose into other people’s private lives rarely has a positive outcome. Because it is rude, intrusive and unwelcome. I can only presume your life is utterly devoid of any interest”

What a disgusting woman she is. How dare she . I know several grown up and young "only" children . They have wonderful lives , their parents either chose this or couldn't have any more babies and theyre not feeling sorry for themselves regarding any of it. There are enough unwanted children in the world. We are lucky to be able to cherish our children.
I'm wondering how many kids this horrible woman has... maybe you could say you couldn't risk having anymore children in case they turn out like her. Haa.
I'm furious. How dare she.

Of course you're not selfish for not wanting more children. But I don't see why this is such a big deal. Of course she shouldn't have asked or "held court" on the matter. But the fact is she's old and a bit "bat shit" by your own admission.

Similar did happen to me - although the relative suggested I had disapointed DH by having twin boys and no girls so wanted to know when we were having a third ("in the hopes you are lucky enough to have a girl" where her words). I replied with a big wink and said "Oooh well, wait and see!" We never intended to have any more - perhaps she is still waiting 20 years later. But fall out avoided and who cares what she thinks!

Somebody in my family used to do this but has since backed off

Unbelievable

Next time you can say:

Given the state of the planet, its selfish to have more than one

No don’t justify yourself! A withering stare and I “cannot believe you are commenting on something so personal” is the right response.

Some can’t, if they wanted to, could be very upsetting to some