“I’m sorry, I just think it’s selfish.”

[Oneanddonenotenough]

I know this isn’t a new subject for here but I’d like to garner general opinion to see if I’ve lost grip on reality and I’m being a precious twat to be a bit upset.

Anyway, I was called selfish by a distant member inlaws’ family today for not particularly wanting a second child.

She asked me the age-old “and when can we expect a sibling for…?”. I initially avoided answering because this question really fucks me off for all the obvious reasons. She pushed for an answer and then started addressing the wider room full of my H’s family saying that she believed it selfish to only have one child. I said I didn’t feel like I wanted a second child, especially as I had suffered with crippling antenatal depression and felt suicidal during my first pregnancy, I’m very happy with my family as it is etc. I wish I hadn’t answered by she had form for holding court and was talking to the whole room saying it would be selfish to my child as they’ll be lonely and selfish to my H for not ‘giving’ him another chance at fatherhood, selfish to not try for one of the opposite gender. Ugh.

She’s a bit batshit but as lots of his family began agreeing that one on their own would be lonely, I’m wondering if I am in fact selfish for only wanting one?

Some excellent responses on here. Next time I’m in her company I’m tempted to get a thread going so you can feed me some cutting remarks in real-time.

  "Our family is PLANNED. No  drunken accidents or premature babies shortly after the wedding for us "  pause  "Are you feeling rather hot, SIL?  Ouch. Why are you kicking me, DH? "

 "  We'd like to ask you to be a surrogate. "

 " DH thinks  multiple pregnancies  make women slack and floppy  in  all the wrong places."

   " It takes ages to excercise the vaginal muscles back to full power after a second birth....didn't you notice that, BIL? "

@PlausibleSuit

“Could you just take one giant step back, please? Your breath smells.”

🙄

@PlausibleSuit

“Could you just take one giant step back, please? Your breath smells.”

Yup, this! If she can get personal, so can you.

Whatever the number of children you want, she was exceptionally opinionated and rude. She has no understanding of respect. Her opinion does not matter.

I agree with Peanutmnm.
Rude and ignorant. If this family member were to have had miscarriages, she would never ask such a personal question. Why are people so thoughtless!

God, I wish I'd only had one.

I grew up an only child until my teens where I have a half sibling( completely pointless for me as I’m a totally different generation) and I didn’t know any different? I am able to enjoy my own company , have patience , read a lot ..
I have one DC and plan only one ..I hated pregnancy, I was very sick

( and I also had a section which family members all complained about - now I’m happy to tell them I dont piss myself when I laugh or drink alcohol, so I’m quite happy ,cheers-that’s normally shuts everyone up They also complained about the spelling of DCs name- which is a traditional name and correctly spelled, unlike the current fad for randomly adding or subtracting letters)
We also tested very high for abnormal births, so feel like we just managed to slip DC in, without issues - I couldn’t go through all that pain again…

We also financially can afford one DC comfortably - DH and I grew up in very low income households. I’m very relieved to know DC will always know meals and clothing will be provided.

If DH and I had a little more money, were a little younger or had famous nearby to help us: then maybe we would’ve changed our minds but that’s reality.

"That's interesting: why would you find it appropriate to ask that?"

Always answer a nosy question with another question! If the questioner persists, ask her how many she had and why she didn't have more, was it fair to her DH and wider family to have so many/few, can she think of a reason it might be inappropriate to ask personal questions, etc. Ask if she's heard of post-natal depression, post-pattum psychosis, stillbirth, early miscarriage, secondary infertility, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, endometriosis, polycystic ovary syndrome..?

By the time you finish asking your hail of barked questions, she'll be hiding under the table and she'll never ask anyone when they're having a baby or another baby!

If anyone says you were harsh, you were "just asking" and she asked the first question. 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Starcaller

Of course not. Having one child is absolutely fine, normal and the best choice for a lot of people. Have the number of children you are able to handle emotionally and practically – that's the best thing for all involved.

This is so right. Don't let her bully you like this. In fact I would swerve her on as many occasions as possible. It seems to me that you have done the right thing 100%, I bet you are a fantastic mum.

This really annoys me. My DHs gran said to me while I was in hospital having just given birth 'don't make her an only child will you, that's so cruel' I went batty. You just do what's right for you.

Let's be honest, if I am having a second child I am very much having one for ME. Only kids do very well statistically and are much more common these days.

As a young teen I was super jealous of a friend who was an only child. It was like she was friends with her parents and they did cool stuff together unlike us who were a blob of kids to be managed and younger siblings annoying.

What does this person mean with “another chance of fatherhood” is he not being a father now? Did he fail at being a father for child ?…

I would respond with “no not having another child not that it’s any of your business, my child is not lonely he/she has friends, classmates, us. What if I do have another child and they absolutely despise each other? Having a sibling doesn’t necessarily mean always having a friend no matter what. So get off your horse and stick your nose in your own life and take it out of mine.”

What a cunt! I’d have told her to fuck off, unwell family member or not! It’s definitely not selfish.

I’ve literally just had my first baby and they will be my last. I was seriously ill for the last six weeks of my pregnancy with preeclampsia, my organs started failing. My baby was born at 33 weeks and had to spend time in the NICU away from me for the first couple of weeks of their life. The baby’s kidneys also showed signs of being under pressure once they got them out and had tested their blood, thankfully it resolved itself within a day or 2. But any longer inside my body and we would probably both been on the road out. I won’t put myself, my child, my partner or my extended family through that kind of worry again. And I wouldn’t put another child through it either, my body obviously doesn’t handle pregnancy very well. The guilt I feel is immense on top of the normal mum guilt. As much as I would have probably liked another eventually, it would be selfish for me to put everyone through that ordeal again, especially an innocent unborn baby.

The fact people still believe they should have a say on what a woman does with her body is shameful! Have as many children as you want it’s your choice. If your happy with your family and it’s full of love, how can that be selfish? You shouldn’t have to justify why you only want one. Please be kind to yourself over this, and definitely distance yourself from them xx

How about you are saving the planet by only having one sprog. Any more, resources will have to be mined, etc to make sure they have all the gadgets etc they will need for school/uni. Therefore 1 child means there will be less need for extra resources into your house. Just sayin'!

Posts like this are so depressing. Some people seem to have such a complete lack of ability to see there’s no such thing as normal. Like the world runs on one track and everyone should get on board. I hope during the 21st century we see such people ( or the offspring they pass such dumb thinking onto) realise it’s just not so simple and embrace diversity.

No your not selfish at all. You’ve been through hell the first time with post natal and it is enough to put you off for life. I was like you then I got pregnant with my second child and suffered again. Luckily the doctor saw I was ill and asked me to book in and go see her and they put me on medication. I think it’s a personal choice. It’s just about making sure your child isn’t Lonely and has plenty of company from others.

What a self opinionated mouthy cow! You must have wanted to tell her to do one! Well done for managing to keep your trap shut.
In some instances I think only children are happier. Not all kids get on with their siblings. I had a friend who’s kids literally hated each other. I’ve got no doubt they’d have been happier as only kids!

I think the answer to these people is a very consciously shocked face, a gasp and a ‘I can’t believe you’ve embarrassed me like that by asking that in front of everyone when you have no idea what our reasons are.’ Make it as toe-curlingly, painfully embarrassing as you can for these absolute morons who think this sort of intrusive, accusatory commenting is ok. Turn the focus right back to them and their insensitive, shameful behaviour. How fucking dare they. Why should you be the one to stand there embarrassed and upset?!

To be honest, I feel my dad's family are a lot like this and for that reason I avoid them like the plague.

It's sad, because there are some decent ones, but until the family culture moves on from. "Speak first, think later", I'm unlikely to change.

Recently I've discovered that my dad himself has been gossiping about my kids mental health and dietary choices (vegan) behind our backs and I'm a hair's breadth away from including him in the Narnia I've put them all in.

Commenting on people's deeply personal life events is unforgivable, especially as they have no idea whether there is more to that choice than meets the eye.

I would have stood up and left.

No need to say anything in my opinion.

I’m fuming for you, who the fuck does she think she is, how many children you decide to have is you and your Dh business, there is absolutely nothing wrong in having one child

Bloody hell! How narrow minded are people 😫! I have a 10 year old son and lost count of the amount of times I’ve been asked when you having another one especially when he was a toddler then in recent years people I’ve only met assume he has a sibling. They’ve also made a huge assumptions about your situation. You could have been going through IVF and their questions are not helpful at all. Like others said I would say it’s none of their business. Live the life you want not his others think you should.

You’re not selfish. Some people are just VERY blinkered on this topic. I am constantly amazed that some people care so much about how many children someone else wants / is able to have. Don’t let her get to you.