“I’m sorry, I just think it’s selfish.”

[Oneanddonenotenough]

I know this isn’t a new subject for here but I’d like to garner general opinion to see if I’ve lost grip on reality and I’m being a precious twat to be a bit upset.

Anyway, I was called selfish by a distant member inlaws’ family today for not particularly wanting a second child.

She asked me the age-old “and when can we expect a sibling for…?”. I initially avoided answering because this question really fucks me off for all the obvious reasons. She pushed for an answer and then started addressing the wider room full of my H’s family saying that she believed it selfish to only have one child. I said I didn’t feel like I wanted a second child, especially as I had suffered with crippling antenatal depression and felt suicidal during my first pregnancy, I’m very happy with my family as it is etc. I wish I hadn’t answered by she had form for holding court and was talking to the whole room saying it would be selfish to my child as they’ll be lonely and selfish to my H for not ‘giving’ him another chance at fatherhood, selfish to not try for one of the opposite gender. Ugh.

She’s a bit batshit but as lots of his family began agreeing that one on their own would be lonely, I’m wondering if I am in fact selfish for only wanting one?

Not selfish at all.

You have to do what is right for you and what you feel you can cope with financially and emotionally. It’s nobody else’s fucking business.

My Mom is an only child and she’s done perfectly fine in life!

Of course you’re not selfish. If you have no desire for a second child then you should t have a second to please anyone else. But you will get asked this a lot. And if you had two and both were boys (or girls) you’d be asked if you’re going to try for a third to get whichever sex you didn’t already have.

'I won't have another child just in case they turn out like you'

You have the number of children that YOU are comfortable with. Hopefully this is something that you have discussed with DH, and he is on board with, as well. But you have what YOU are comfortable with, whether that is one, more than one, or none at all. It is no one's business but your own if, how many, or when you will have children.

As for only children...I am one, and had a perfectly lovely childhood. I had neighborhood friends, and was never lonely, and had the comforting knowledge that what was mine, would stay mine.

I’m an only, and was lonely. Everyone is different.
How dare she put you in this uncomfortable situation. It’s not the topic to be discussed in polite company.

So the family are not as polite as suggested. Perhaps avoid this ‘judge Judy’ at future gatherings. I think I’d address her as ‘Judge Judy’ openly.
My best wishes to you.

This kind if question makes me so angry i was an only i loved it,at time there were a lot in my area and we all seemed to have grown up to be well rounded adults.I never missed siblings and now i live alone i think being an only makes it much easier.what you dont have you dont miss,Many i know dont get on with siblings and have little to do with theirs,

A good friend of mine only had one she got married late in life and felt one enough.her husband was an only so he felt same.,She got very upset with similar renarks to what you had.Totally out of order,

Oh wow, my thread got a second wind. Thank you very much to everyone replied, with support, epic comebacks and to share their own experiences of people being utter twats. I can’t fathom why people think it’s any of their business, I really can’t.

I do feel really vindicated in my belief that I’m done. It was just too hard the first time and the idea that despite all the warning flags, my baby was healthy and that was so lucky, and it makes me feel that I don’t think I can go through it again.

I’ve also remembered something else this woman said to me when I was pregnant, when my pre-natal depression diagnosis had gone round the family (I know, I know, I told my MIL in confidence 🙄), she asked me if I was on antidepressants and when I said no (for no reason other than we were seeing how I went and it was in our armoury if I took another dive) she said “oh well, that’s something at least.” I can’t really pinpoint exactly why (other than it being a huge overstep and laden with judgement) but that really fucked me off. I can’t remember what I said as I don’t really remember a lot of that time, other than breaking a lot of stuff.

As an only child I can confirm that is a load of bull. Yes, sometimes the grass is greener, but my eldest wishes she was an only child
I do have some very strong friendship bonds, people I view as family.
You do what you feel is best for you and your family and forget everyone else's opinion.

@Oneanddonenotenough. Bless you, what a shit situation to be presented with. So you were with the women and they fired into you for your reproductive choices, what a shower of shits! It's horrible when we feel attacked and gagged, can't get the words out to respond to people who think it's perfectly acceptable to present their unsolicited opinions about your life.

"I'm sorry, I just think it's selfish...."

"(I'm not sorry) I think it's selfish to question our reproductive choices"

She ought to mind her own "gooddamn fishing business!" You do exactly as you want. Do not listen to others! She is an interfering "twiglet!"

It's nobody's business, and no-one should be put in the position of being publicly questioned on it!!

Although DH and I were together since we were 21, we didn't have our first until I was 34 due to fertility issues. We had been married for 7 years by then, so as you can imagine, we'd got comments!! I just knew as soon as I had DD1 that I wanted more children - and this from someone who was (and still isn't, apart from my own!) maternal! Fertility issues resolved, DD2 came along soon after but then I had 2 miscarriages before DS came along when I was 40.

I know people probably did think he was an 'accident'! - anyone who knew me well enough knew that this wasn't the case at all - but I was approached by a manager in work, who I would only have passed the time of day with, asking me, "was it planned or was it an accident?"!!! I was taken aback but said, "VERY planned"!!

Listen, no-one can tell you how many children to have. I'm one of 4. Three of us are close but the 4th is an arsehole. My three are all grown up now and have a lovely relationship, which warms my heart. DD2 has a BFF who is an 'only', and she is selfish, self-obssesed and full of her own importance. Even DD says that if she met her now they wouldn't be friends, but they've been pals since they were 3/4. I really have to bite my tongue at some of the horrible things she does!

Everyone's different! DD's friend (above) has had a LOT more material things than my three, because everything had to be divided. It's all about the upbringing.

Go with your gut. Do Not have another child just to give dc a sibling x

They sound like terrible people and non of their business. Everyone should do what it right for themselves.

Multiple children doesn't mean they all get on. So many people don't even speak to their siblings.

I hate this. We have a very dear friend who’s chosen not to have ANY children for various reasons and she gets this all the time. ‘When are we going to expect the pitter patter of tiny feet?’ Or ‘do you have fertility problems because you’re getting on a bit’ was another lol.

I always get asked my age because I look younger and my son is almost 20. I also get asked why I chose to have so many (I have 3) I also get asked why I have a big gap between my first and children 2 and 3, I even got asked if they have the same dad!! They do.

The long and short of it is women always get bloody judged no matter what we do. It’s nobody else’s business how many children you have. You know this and I’d make it quite clear I don’t want to waste another moment in this woman’s company ever again.

You are definitely not selfish! It’s up to you how many children you want, not everyone else. She sounds a bit old fashioned and just a down right bitch tbh! I only have one daughter and she doesn’t feel lonely, she has plenty of friends that she plays with everyday either online or they come to the house. She has siblings at her dads house but she loves coming home to the quiet of my house, she can’t be bothered with them half the time so having 1 child doesn’t make them lonely.

Why do people think they have the right to pass judgment about other people choices over children. I got told I was selfish for trying to have a baby when I was 41 (too old). Later I was told I was selfish for not having them (by someone else). It really isn't anyones business but your own. No one else can tell you what the right choice is for you.

I agree that you should go with what you and your husband feel happy with and anyone else’s opinion isn’t important. Unfortunately some people think they can voice there opinion and probably don’t care how that might upset someone. On a personal level I’ve had the opposite, and had lots of comments about me having 3 children,things like are you going to just keep having kids or are you not going to stop. Unfortunately I think some people can’t resist putting there two pence in.

She can fuck off, OP. It's none of her business.
Please don't feel guilty!
If she starts up again, and you don't want/feel able to reply, you can just leave the room quietly.

I really think you need to stop looking for polite comebacks to this woman and ask her who the hell she thinks she is sticking her nose into your business and to never comment on it again.

Has she any business to common, I really think you need to ask her, her private business in front of people.

As for your MIL breaking your confidentiality?

OP I'm really sorry but your judgement is very off, she is NOT a nice woman.

A nice person does not break your confidence, much less to a woman like that.

Your in laws sound like a very rough bunch.

Your husband doesn't sound much better telling you to just ignore this appalling behaviour.

God help you.

"Are you really asking for details of my sex life!?" Shocked face

I work with a lady who doesn’t want children at all
She’s sick to the back teeth of people calling her selfish and that she’ll ‘change her mind’
She might do-she might have 20 kids,she might just stick to her guns and have none
It’s fuck all to do with anyone-it’s her body,money,time and choice
After all,it’s her life

My great grandmother was an OC, my grandmother was an OC, my mother is an OC, I am an OC and my son is an OC! Can't say any of us was lonely and you don't know any different anyway!

I grew up in a large family more than 5 and trust me it is no guarantee of anything. I only had one. Two siblings had none and one had two. DO NOT BE BULLIED INTO DOING WHAT YOU DON’T WANT TO DO. It is your life and what if they hate each other or you suffer terrible depression or worse hate/resent the child all of which I have seen as a Health Visitor so ignore that stupid relation and tread your own path. BTW my daughter is a beautiful human happy and well adjusted because although she knew she was the centre of our world she also knew she wasn’t the centre of the universe when she went into the the world.

@tiggerwhocamefortea

She is of course very very rude and goady to express her opinion openly that way however I personally do think that being deliberately "one and done" as a lifestyle choice ie no medical or financial reasons why you can't etc is a bit selfish and I do think if you have a child you should be prepared to have a sibling but I appreciate that's a pretty unpopular and minority view on MN and why I wouldn't say it to someone's face unless they specifically asked my opinion on the subject.....

It’s an ‘unpopular’ view because it’s remarkably dimwitted. Thank heavens you realise you’re being stupid and keep schtum about it.

Ugh. No one's business but yours. I used to be friends with a woman who harped on about me only having one child. I knew she was desperate for another child and none of my reasons for not trying for another were good enough for her. (Mainly my age - I was 43 when I had my only).
She also said some vile things about another woman who'd had to terminate her second pregnancy due to anencephaly.