To not know how anyone pissing does this?!

[YaImStruggling]

How the fuckity fuck do people get themselves back together after having a baby?

My son is 9 months old and I still look like a fat deflated pancake who's hair is scraped into a greasy bun 7 days a week on top of my spotty head.

I feel like I have no time to even remotely think about getting back to "me". How the fuck do people do it? I used to be slim, I was so happy with my body before pregnancy and birth. I want to lose weight but don't seem to have the time to make healthy meals, I want to make more effort with myself like my hair or makeup but literally WHEN. My son spends all day basically trying to kill himself with anything he can find so unless I throw on a coat when I've rolled out of bed and take him out for the day looking like shit then I spend all day chasing him round the house (just started crawling).

I absolutely love being a Mum but I am just horrified at how shit I look permanently at the moment but feel I have no time to do anything about it.

When do you start feeling like yourself again, or at least getting one minute to actually do something for you?

I have a husband but he works long hours so by the time he's home it's more like tea, bath, bed and crash.

Yet I go out and see other mums who look so put together with babies younger than DS. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.

Having a baby that will entertain themselves for long enough for you to get a shower and dressed makes a massive difference.

I think for most babies this is learned though and some parents just aren't comfortable with leaving their baby long enough for them to do this.

I also think playpens are now unfashionable despite being incredibly useful. Mine was vital when I had my youngest and a dog.

Baby bouncy jump thing was my saviour. Also a comfy high chair with some activities so he is eye level with you.

My ds is 21 months. I still look like shit most days but much more cheerful with it- even if we have gone into a ‘I only sleep with mummy phase’ which means him sleeping draped over my chest. And me in bed by 8!

Play pens got a bad reputation because some were leaving babies in them all day. Short spells are fine. Make it appealing by putting things that your baby really enjoys in there.

Lots of the replies are really frustrating because my daughter wouldn’t happily play in a high chair for more than two minutes or a playpen etc… having a deployed husband for most of the first year meant there was nobody to pass her too. She didn’t nap for more than 30 minutes at a time which I’d use to try and prepare food, do laundry, badly tidy. I looked a state and the house did too quite a lot. I did have a happy baby though.

It definitely got easier when my daughter started walking. She also tolerated being in her crib for ten minutes while I showered once I bought her a Tonie Box, she’ll happily sit and change the songs, dance along for a bit. Now she’s obsessed with colouring in I can leave her at in her crib with the music and a colouring book for a good twenty minutes which is enough time for me to get ready at 15 months.

It depends what priorities are, tbh.
I'm a single Mother with twins (left Dad when the girls were 5 months old) and if I needed/wanted to do hair/make up etc, I just got up earlier?
Don't have time to make healthy meals? Just eat less? 🤷
I'm 3.5 stone overweight at nearly four years post-partum, so I clearly have made zero effort!

When ours were born (they are 26 and 23 now) DH was working all hours.

I was always vain and probably a bit selfish. DS used to wake at 5.50 and I fed and played with him until DH left at about 7. At 7 we got up and went downstairs where I tidied, put on a load of washing, 7nlaoded the dishwasher, etc, and washed the floor as he grizzled, had a cuppa and a slice of toast. At 8.30ish I fed him again and put him in the cot - for the first week he howled while I had a bath, did my hair and make-up and got dressed. After that he learnt to go to sleep and until he was about 6/7 months it would be a good two hour sleep, sometimes more. Often by 10am everything was done and I had nothing to do. Often I walked for two or three hours a day with the pram to fill the time.

When dd came along he was at playgroup for 9.15 and she just had to fit in. and by then I had an au-pair - sorry It was the price DH paid for being out of the house for 14+ hours per day.

Can you shower with baby in a bath seat? I had a shower over bath and could put an few inches of water in the bath, DD in bath seat at one end, me in shower at other end.

The only way is to prioritise it and insist you give yourself time to get dressed, make up, hair whatever. Just like you have to in order to eat, go to the toilet and shower. Use nap times, a bit of tv, whenever you can. You probably won't though, as its drilled into us to feel we are being selfish if we don't spend every waking minute on our DCs needs. But an hour for yourself if it makes you feel better isn't a lot in the scheme of things, and its the least you deserve.

From my own (bitter) experience (and advice I received) I wasn't doing enough popping.e.g. -
"pop" the baby down for a nap/to play quietly in his cot
"pop" the ingredients for a lasagne together for a speedy heathy midweek meal
"pop" round the house with a vacuum cleaner

I never got the hang of popping myself but it absolutely seems to be the key to doing the otherwise impossible.

More seriously - you could look into short exercise you tube videos - e.g. 10 minute yoga videos etc. But also - don't punish yourself for the limitations of time.

Many of these comments have clearly come from people with easy babies. I had a difficult baby first. I couldn’t put him down and shower without him screaming (not grumbling and grizzling a bit but actually screaming), which was distressing and awful. He didn’t sleep for longer than two hours at a time till he was eighteen months old, and I had no family around - I had to go back to work as was the high earner, and promptly lost my job because I was too sleep deprived to do it properly.

Fortunately for me, DS2 was a much easier baby and for him all the suggestions about jumperoos and playpens and travel cots were great and really did help.

@firstimemamma

I turned a corner mentally at 10 months so your time might be coming soon!

How did you do this?

First time parents often think you have to spend every second looking at or being with the child. You don't. You're allowed to wash your hair and put on nice clothes.

I don't understand your baby 'trying to kill himself'. Put the child on the floor and remove all hazards. There. Now have a cup of tea.

Put it in some sort of strapped in bouncy chair while you have a shower. Put him in the cot for five minutes while you do your hair.

Instead of living the life of a baby, live YOUR life and take the baby along with you.

People think a baby is 'feisty' or it 'needs' to burn off energy, but really they are happy just letting their imaginations do the work while you plonk them in various environments. Go to a museum. Visit a gallery. Chat to the kid. It doesn't care where you are, not really. Do things you want to do.

I've already forgotten how hard it was, but I remember finding it particularly difficult around that stage because weaning was stressing me and I seemed to be constantly preparing meals she didn't eat or cleaning after the last one. I take less than ten minutes to shower and wash my hair so at least I least felt clean. And I signed up for a couple of mum exercise groups and arranged meet ups to force me out of the house. But to be honest by then I wanted to go back to work for some time away.

My theory is - you're a good mum. You put him first while he is tiny. But you really can start allocating a couple of 15 minute time slots to yourself. Put him in a playpen by the bathroom door and have a good shower, hair wash, make up on etc and chat away to him while you get ready.

Get your partner, a parent, fellow mum or good friend to have him once a month (if it's your partner, obv they'd be doing this more often!) and book some aspect of self care once a month: hair cut, dental and eye checks, clothes shopping session, massage or pedicure etc.

I completely caved in when DC were small and looking back, I realise we'd all have been happier if I'd insisted on a bit of time to myself for essential self-care..

Agree with pp - it is normal and a good idea to find time for yourself and whatever self care makes you feel good about yourself. My DH didn't work such long hours so was around when I showered, but I did put DD in the jumperoo when I needed to get stuff done. My routine is fairly basic but I always had clean hair, nails painted in neutral colour 1-2 times a week (while watching TV), BB cream and mascara.

I felt more like myself when I went back to work at 10 months and had to dress nicely again!

You need a baby jail.

Chuck him in with a load of toys, tv on with cartoons in his eyeline. Just for an hour or so a day, he doesn't have to watch 24hr tv, but an hour or so a day won't kill him.

Then you can get shit done.

if I needed/wanted to do hair/make up etc, I just got up earlier?
Some babies co-sleep and wake up when their mother gets up. Or they wake hourly and every minute their mother can remain horizontal is necessary for survival, though.

I don't understand your baby 'trying to kill himself'. Put the child on the floor and remove all hazards. There. Now have a cup of tea.
What, remove all the furniture? Clear all the books off the shelves? Some babies are climbers and cruisers and destructo-demons. DD had broken a tooth and had 2 black eyes by 8 months, and I watched her like a hawk.

Put baby in playpen. Have shower, wash hair and slap on some make up. Go out for long walks to help get the weight off. Try not to eat crap. It gets better but you need to prioritise you too!

Two years for me. When I went back to work after a year one of the girls said to 'oh I wish I had time to change the colour of my nailpolish as much as you'. It was literally all the grooming I had time to do once DS asleep. Everything else was neglected 😄

I hear you. My DD is 13 months and I still feel like a mess! The worst thing is my hair. Post natal hair loss growing back in means I have a permanent halo of frizz! It's hideous.

Do what you can. Comb/ brush your hair before going out. Moisturise even if you don't have time for make up. Wear forgiving clothes that are clean in bright colours. Remember you are your harshest critic. I think most new mums look amazing! They have this glow of invincibility that they probably don't notice themselves.

I'm still about 20lbs overweight and have frequent wobbles about not being myself ever again. Remember you've been pregnant at a really difficult time! You've had pregnancy and lockdown pounds. Be kind to yourself and remember you're doing a great job xx

I remember a mum at playgroup saying to me that I always looked chic/glam. A few others agreed. I was genuinely shocked as felt hot and sweaty having marched 20 mins uphill with the buggy board attached to the pram to get there. I put it down to rosy cheeks(from the walk)a slick of lipstick and a nice mac I had from Gap. It was a flattering colour , good shape and always helped me feel slightly fashionable and covered a multitude! I’m a makeup person and never leave the house without it so to me that was a priority. Have never done nails, lashes, faux brows etc as wasn’t such a thing then(DD now 21) but 5/10 mins of makeup made/ makes me feel so much better.

@FluffyBooBoo

This is not the thread I thought it was going to be!

I was expecting a husband with a very poor aim...

Yeh me too It’s hard, but you do not to prioritise yourself a bit too- when I had my first I made sure I had a shower every day even if it was a 2 minute one. It’s suprised me that it is possible to have a shower that quickly! I walked everywhere with the pram, if it was dry - I was walking. My legs were in the best shaped they’d ever been! Also yes to a play pen, or travel cot in your bedroom to give you 5 mins to do your hair and make up.

I was the same as you, but when I had to go back to work (dd was 6m old) I knew that I had to try and get my shit together. I'd either put her in a travel cot with some toys whilst I showered and got ready or in a jumperoo. It bought me enough time to shower, dress and do my hair/makeup. Before dd I used to wear a full face of makeup but I've pared it down now due to time restrictions. Now wear tinted moisturiser, eyebrow pencil, subtle mascara, blush and tinted lip balm. I actually look fresher faced and much better for it as well.

Are there some favourite toys that will help keep him happy in the playpen?
The reason some mums can do it is either they have an unusually placid baby or they have help. Quite a few have help from their mum/sister etc, or they take the baby to a childminder a few hours a week. The rest of us were like you!

Sorry mine should say ‘you do need to prioritise yourself too’ !!