To not know how anyone pissing does this?!

[YaImStruggling]

How the fuckity fuck do people get themselves back together after having a baby?

My son is 9 months old and I still look like a fat deflated pancake who's hair is scraped into a greasy bun 7 days a week on top of my spotty head.

I feel like I have no time to even remotely think about getting back to "me". How the fuck do people do it? I used to be slim, I was so happy with my body before pregnancy and birth. I want to lose weight but don't seem to have the time to make healthy meals, I want to make more effort with myself like my hair or makeup but literally WHEN. My son spends all day basically trying to kill himself with anything he can find so unless I throw on a coat when I've rolled out of bed and take him out for the day looking like shit then I spend all day chasing him round the house (just started crawling).

I absolutely love being a Mum but I am just horrified at how shit I look permanently at the moment but feel I have no time to do anything about it.

When do you start feeling like yourself again, or at least getting one minute to actually do something for you?

I have a husband but he works long hours so by the time he's home it's more like tea, bath, bed and crash.

Yet I go out and see other mums who look so put together with babies younger than DS. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.

I'm still overweight 16 months later. I make sure that I have a shower and do my hair every day. Either in nap time or I pop him in his cot for 10 minutes.
I also make sure I get out and about most days, there are some when I can't face it.
Best advice I received is don't compare yourself to other people. They might look put together but you don't know what's going on in their lives. One of my friends always looked perfect with perfect children and house, until the day she broke down and admitted it was only this way because her husband was vile to her if she and the hose weren't perfect (they've broken up now and she doesn't worry about looking perfect anymore).
Hopefully that's not the case for the people you know but just to show you most people don't have a perfect life.

I have a chronic back problem so after giving birth it was very important that I did my exercises as strong stomach muscles help to support the back.
My dh would remind me every night to do my exercises even when I was shattered. I was grumpy at the time but it made such a difference to my stomach.
Do your pelvic floor and tummy exercises every day, even when you don’t want to. You will be really glad you did. I’m in my 60’s now and still have a fairly flat tummy.

Fun fact, in France all new mums are given a course of physio to help recover after giving birth.

Use a travel cot as containment to allow yourself sometime to do what you want. Make it a daily routine so DC becomes accustomed to the fact they have time in there with toys while your catch up with whatever you want to do.
Try cooking larger meal portions so you can freeze some portion on the days you don't want to cook.

And for showers id put DD in jumparoo with tv
on. I’d Shower with bathroom door open so I could hear what was going on.
Showers were very quick. When she wasn’t crawling I’d take a baby mat or bouncer onto bathroom floor while I was in shower. Or I’d wait until DH home if really necessary.

A supportive partner who did his share

A playpen, old school, to leave him somewhere safe when I needed to shower and dry my hair

These 2 things were a necessity

Some babies are just harder work, OP. And it’s harder if you’re alone or your partner isn’t there through long hours or working away. DP used to have a 2.5-hour commute – each way! – DD only slept in the sling, and started crawling at 5.5 months. I looked like a gorgon for my whole maternity leave; some days weeing was an achievement.

But! Things change. She’s 2.5 now and will potter around the room while I pluck my eyebrows and chin, or can be parked in front of the TV while I shower.

In your circumstances I would give in to the lure of TV: 2x Hey Duggee watched from a cot or playpen so he’s safe = 14 minutes for a rapid-fire shower, hair wash, rough dry and make-up. Shorter shower is also an environmental win! For getting dressed I used to just pull a drawer out of the chest of drawers – the fun of examining clothes and sitting in the drawer stopped her doing what she otherwise would, climbing it

Firstly OP don't beat yourself up about this. As pp said everyone is different and where you are is totally normal. That said I've been there and know how shit it feels. I also never had kids who napped properly and that 'but surely you can sleep/exercise/cook/shower/work when they sleep..' line used to always make me feel worse.

I second the recommendation for a jumperoo or walker. Saved my sanity at that age when they would have whinged in playpens (and I know I could ignore them for a bit but it used to put me on edge).

Second tip - keep bits of makeup/hairbrush/nail files etc in convenient places around the house. So when they're in their highchair having breakfast you can slap some moisturiser on or whatever.

And thirdly - if you can manage it buy some new clothes. Even a new and decent bra and matching knickers will prob feel so much better.

I used to put ds in a playpen.

I have three kids 6, 4 and 1. I have learned over the years that you do actually have to make yourself a priority and it is ok to need/want to look or feel a bit better about yourself. It doesn't make you a bad mum.

I have always showered and put makeup on every day, it's part of my routine and the kids just know it. The little one came into the bathroom with me on a bouncy chair or playmat at first and now I just tend to shower at night once the kids are in bed. Makeup has always been part of my routine and I just let myself have the ten minutes to do it because it makes me feel more like myself and more in control. Even if you stick the baby in the cot for a bit with some books, it's fine. If she screams it's not really the end of the world if she's safe and you're right there.

I do workout but I do online workouts after the kids are in bed. You just have to kind of adapt.

You are still a person and you deserve a bit of self care, whatever that looks like. Kids do learn that you might ignore them for five minutes but that's no bad thing, they need to learn that sometimes you are busy doing something else.

It gets easier too, my older two are no bother now, hang in there!

Lost all my baby weight 6 weeks after both sons, and felt like myself within a month, never had flat stomach.
Get a slowcooker and plan, or get up earlier

I feel you OP, Mine 2 in December and I just can’t find time to make myself look presentable. If I do find time for myself I make sure I have a cup of tea and a snack without constant whinging in my ear.

About to go have my first shower in 3 days 🤮🥲

At that age I'd put the baby in the playpen/travel cot or door jumper in the bathroom doorframe for ten minutes while I had a shower. DH was rarely around at the right time for me to have a shower while he looked after the kids, but looking OK was something that mattered to me so I found somewhere for the baby to be safely for ten minutes. Then I'd put a bit of make up on in between making sure the baby wasn't trying to kill themselves

Can you get a hair appointment while your DH is around so you get a manageable haircut, one that either dries nicely (I had a Bob when the kids were little), and then if you need to dye it you can do it occasionally at home in the evening?

Clothes wise, I used being off all the time to trawl the charity shops every week. I had a few pairs of jeans that suited me, and then gradually brought jumpers and tops from the charity shops over time - cheap and also gave us something to do!

I appreciate that losing weight or getting fit is the harder part as it generally requires more time and so can be harder to start fitting in. But carving out fifteen minutes every morning to have a shower and do your hair/put make up on, if that makes you feel better, can really help how you feel.

Have a solid routine and stick to it.

We had a travel cot in the living room. Id pop them in there for 10 minutes with cbeebies on a few times during the day so that I could nip to the loo or quickly do some food prep (open plan living area paid off here!)

I showered and washed my hair, shaved legs etc at night while my partner got some time with the baby/kids, but then had a super quick freshen up shower in the morning too.

I got really quick at doing makeup and did it in the bathroom while baby chewed on their toothbrush next to me.

I just came here to say what so many others already have - some babies just are hard work.

With DS1, the only way I got anything done was by bringing him around the house with me in the bouncer (him screaming if I wasn't looking at him, eg when I was in the shower), and then I took the cover off it so he could stand and watch me. He basically wanted continuous attention (ideally from me, rather than someone else) until he was about 2 (although at least by then it could be having a conversation while I did the dishwasher!)

DS2 was so easy going I almost forgot I had him, he'd just chill out watching whatever was going on.

Can you exhaust him now he's moving so at least he might take a long nap to give yourself time to get your thoughts together?

It helps if your baby is a good sleeper. Definitely. Other than that, lots and lots of walking while pushing the pram and watching that you aren't over eating. If you are currently weaning, try finding some good baby led weaning recipes that both you and baby can enjoy (ones you can just shove in the oven or slow cooker if you have one of those velcro babies. I know some supermarkets do ready mixed casserole veg and pre chopped meat that makes this super easy; though you would need a decent amount of freezer space for this).

Breastfeeding can help, as long as you keep a lid on those cravings. With my first child, I actually put weight on after her birth because as soon as I started feeding her I would get this pang of hunger and be absolutely starving. With my second, I was obviously aware of this trap and aware that these pangs were not actual hunger. If you ignore them for 10 mins they actually go away. The weight just fell off me after having her.

Remember though, your body will probably never look the same as your pre body baby. Your hips will be wider, your boobs may ne saggier and, if you have had a c-section you may just have to live with the dreaded overhang/apron and if you had a big baby you may have split your stomach muscles, sadly!

My son was a menace 😆 l got a lovely playpen with all his toys in it and just popped him in there when l needed to do something . He liked it . It also gave him a little bit of a break from himself for little bits of the day. Regarding looks ….just try for a bit of foundation, mascara and lippy. Ignore the body for now …it’s amazing how much better it feels just to have a vaguely presentable face. Even for the “passing the mirror” moments 😘

Jumperoo (I’m afraid I always slightly disregarded the 15 minute rule) and playpens and learning that a five minute grizzly or cry won’t hurt them.

I was very antenatally depressed so feeling ‘together’ was a big thing for me. Shower, dressed, bit of make up and then get up in the morning made me feel like I was doing well. It’s an illusion but it was important to me. And I’d go to gym classes after bedtime in the evening three or four times a week. I was blessed with a pretty good sleeper though which probably is the only reason I could do any of it.

Stairgates/playpen/ strap them into pushchair for ten mins while you do what you need to do. If he's not too heavy get good at doing things one handed. .

Do the things you need to do and figure out strategies for what to do with the baby to keep it safe/occupied while you do it. Do things in short bursts while the going is good.

Brisk walking is really good exercise. Jog on the spot, stretches, stuff like that, again, short bursts. Easy food doesn't need to be junk food.

Quick shower daily, hair in a style that can be washed fast, cleanse, moisturise skin, you don't need to be all or nothing.

A daily multi vitamin.

If these all feel to hard, maybe it's worth chatting to HV or GP?

I'd highly recommend leaving him with a trusted person (DH, friend, family, childminder) for a little while from time to time, just to get out of the house alone.

@YaImStruggling 9.5 month old baby here!

I started to feel more normal when she started nursery at 5.5 months old. I returned to work full time at 6 months old.

I wash my hair on a night and either do the dressing gown cord curls (google) or wrap it around a hair doughnut for curls too. Quick and easy.

Make up is literally eyeliner, mascara and a bit of lippy. Takes 2 mins.

For a quick shower in the morning, I get up 30 mins before she does. If she wakes, I put some toys in her cot. She often cries but you just have to be as quick as you can.

Any jobs in the kitchen, I pop her in the highchair either in front of the TV or she likes looking outside. We also have one of those toys you stick on the high chair tray but she's lethal with that!

Don't feel guilty putting him in his play pen whilst you have a cuppa either.

As for the weight, I've put on more weight since having her than I did in pregnancy! I've now realised I'm never going to be a size 12 again so I'm embracing the size 16 that I am now and enjoying my food

@eddiemairswife

Playpen. Eat sensibly. How come you put on so much extra weight?

Posts like this don't help

I get it OP. My 1 year old is a tornado. Currently chewing on her sisters wellie as I type this. Small little steps. If you commit to getting up every morning and washing, your face, putting on serum and moisturiser you'll be surprised how much better it makes you feel. Try and arrange time for a manicure even just a file a polish and let dad take over for an hour. Little things make difference

@CoastalWave

It's ok. My two are 7 and 8 and I still look like shit!!

My theory is, it's those women with time and money. They also generally have lots of family around who help out on a whim for free.

I have none of those!

At some point, my looks will start to matter again but right now I'm quite impressed at how ugly i'm prepared to look in public!

Yes, same here. I started to feel more like my old self at about eighteen months as my DS was a terrible sleeper till then so I was just surviving.

I embraced dry shampoo and the “five minute face” with primer, brows and mascara which basically still looks a bit bare but takes the edge off. I also bought some quick healthy option meals, like fresh soup and whole meal rolls, and microwave pouches of lentils and brown rice, that I could have to help start losing weight with minimum effort.

Hang on in there. It does get easier and you are doing your best. X

I do think that those who look “put together” have time, money and help. If you don’t have any of those things it’s a lot harder.

Mine is grown up now but when he was small I used to get a shower first thing in the morning and just leave him in his cot, I generally manged it before he woke up, I'm not a big make up wearer and was able to let my hair dry naturally, but it made a huge difference to how I felt. 5 minutes whinging was OK for him.
I also had a playpen that I moved about the house with me so if I was cooking tea he would be in the playpen in the kitchen, I genealogy have him a few pots and pans to bang about with, he was able to see me and we could talk, but I was able to get on and do stuff without him being attached to me.
That being said, it really won't hurt baby to have a 5 or even 10 minute moan whilst you get you ready to face the day, you can still talk to and reassure him whilst you get on.

I don’t have dc, so I appreciate that I don’t understand how hard this must be.

I am in the Les Mills Facebook group for people who use their home workouts and a lot of people post videos of bits of their workouts and in some of the videos there are dc in playpens, bouncers or jumping things and as the dc get slightly order they seem to want to join in and you can see small children very loosely trying the dance based ones and then progressing to the ones aimed at children.

My friends who have a proper gym at home use a playpen with toys

Highchair is really useful at this age too. He can watch you doing things in kitchen, safely strapped in, with a few noisy toys to keep him entertained. Bit of music (nursery rhymes or something you like to dance to) and you can jiggle away while he laughs at you