Page 9 | EX H asked DC to Christmas before I did

MrsKeats · 29/10/2021 21:59

I've just read the other thread.
Entitled.com.
Poor children going through all this.

PumpkinsandTea · 29/10/2021 23:28

@Time4change2018 No way! You're (by the sounds of it) on your own but he has his girlfriend. This is being done to get at you - don't let it! Put your foot down

Jumpingintochristmas · 29/10/2021 23:31

[quote PumpkinsandTea]@Time4change2018 No way! You're (by the sounds of it) on your own but he has his girlfriend. This is being done to get at you - don't let it! Put your foot down [/quote]
The children are adults. Put your foot down in a hardly applicable here.

PumpkinsandTea · 29/10/2021 23:45

Doesn't matter if they're adults or not! Who leaves their own Mum to spend Christmas alone, just so their Dad can play happy families?? What's wrong with them going on Boxing Day or Christmas Eve? I've spent Christmas alone before - it's miserable! He won't be alone on Christmas Day if they don't go to his but OP will be!

grapewine · 29/10/2021 23:46

Put her foot down to her adult children, who presumably have minds of their own and have decided to spend Christmas with their father?

Not sure that would go her way.

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/10/2021 23:47

It’s up to them, really, isn’t it?

Jumpingintochristmas · 29/10/2021 23:51

@PumpkinsandTea

Doesn't matter if they're adults or not! Who leaves their own Mum to spend Christmas alone, just so their Dad can play happy families?? What's wrong with them going on Boxing Day or Christmas Eve? I've spent Christmas alone before - it's miserable! He won't be alone on Christmas Day if they don't go to his but OP will be!

^Ex also pointed out I have a big family I see each Christmas & he doesn't. He would be with GF family if not seeing DC & appears to get along very well. I'm sad because I really want my Christmas as normal with DC around all day. If I say I'd really want as normal I think they'll say to to him - but AIBU given he's asked etc Help me feel more generous of spirit DC early 20's 1 in uni other working away from home town - I don't know how many more Christmases I'll get just us before they move, travel, have family etc^

The OP states she sees family at Christmas, the children are entitled to see their dad too.

PumpkinsandTea · 29/10/2021 23:54

@grapewine

Put her foot down to her adult children, who presumably have minds of their own and have decided to spend Christmas with their father?

Not sure that would go her way.

OP has already stated that if she asked her DC to spend Christmas with her, they likely would do

@Jumpingintochristmas Even so, it's hardly the same thing! He has his partner.

myrtleWilson · 29/10/2021 23:58

@PumpkinsandTea the OP has an extended family whom she references - why would you imagine she is going to be alone. Irrespective of that, her ADULT children can choose where they want to spend Christmas - whether with their father, their friends, working in a homeless shelter. They are not beholden to her demands or expectations

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/10/2021 00:00

As PP have said, this attitude (incuding "putting [her] foot down) is likely to get her this Xmas but not any more after that.

Whats next? A wedding where "I am not sitting on the top table if she is there"? Well if the DC have any sense they will say "Ok, up to you".

The fact is that they are shared children who have 2 parents. Both parents and both kids have a right to a relationship which neither parent gets to dictate.

I rather suspect that the "seperation but living together" was a threat from the OP where he was supposed to change and not push her to work more or contribute more. Except he didnt, he agreed and moved on. So this, the farting about with the divorce, the deliberately delaying the house buying is her punishment.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/10/2021 00:01

That is...its HIS punishment from her for not immediately saying "No darling, our life is perfect, stay at home if you want to".

HarrisonStickle · 30/10/2021 00:23

OP has already stated that if she asked her DC to spend Christmas with her, they likely would do

Having read the other thread, I'm putting money on the OP doing some sort of grand manipulation for exactly this just to try and get at her poor ex. That man must have the patience of a saint, he must have been ecstatic when the divorce and house sale finally went through after the OP trying to sabotage it.

I feel sorry for the children here, but glad that they and their stepmum are having such good times together and she's being a good stepmum with the cooking and advice from her brother.

jamandmarmalade · 30/10/2021 00:24

''Nothing succeeds like success''

All he has done is moved on. He has a new life he is happy.

No punishments just closure.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 30/10/2021 00:36

I hadn't read the other thread when I commented earlier about the op needing to find new things to fill her life, that she had let the children consume all her attention but it appears I was wrong, she left her anger at her ex and the divorce consume her. I feel sorry for her in a way because she will drive her children away if she carries on, they are getting older, old enough to realise what she is doing. Things need to change quickly.

As for the person who said you can't leave your mum on her own for christmas, if your mum is a decent person yes you can because your mum will appreciate you have your own life to lead. Yes my daughter currently plans to come home this Christmas but we are also aware that it may not be possible. If it's not we will deal with it. I'm also aware that soon enough she will have her own family and things will permanently change, I'm not cruel enough to make her spend every Christmas with me just so I'm not alone.

caringcarer · 30/10/2021 01:08

I know it is hard but if they are going for lunch with their Dad on Xmas day, you can still get up early and make a big breakfast for them and open pressies then before they go. You could also cook a second Xmas dinner on Boxing day. If you go to your family Xmas day you won't have to cook then. As adults they choose who they spend their time with. I am incredibly lucky as both my adult dear sons live at home still and spend Xmas day with me and their Stepdad and Boxing day with their Dad and his partner. Luckily for me my exh has not invited DC on Xmas day as his partner has her 4 DC and partners and dgc over so no room for my DC. The thing is we are all happy the way it is. I know if my ex ever broke up with his partner and especially if he lived alone he would invite our DC over for Xmas day. The thing is if you make a fuss, even look sad, they will feel torn, then later resentful. I do the Xmas stockings, so far more likely they will wake up at my house Xmas morning. My dd comes to me and we do early Xmas in mid December. I don't see her over Xmas period. I just make sure they all have a good time and great meal when they do come.

caringcarer · 30/10/2021 01:14

OP nothing to stop you making a new tradition. Make them a stocking to open with you before they go. Make sure you will be busy the rest of Xmas day. Maybe offer to take desserts when you go to your family. That should take your mind off it.

NumberTheory · 30/10/2021 01:24

@Time4change2018

I don't disapprove but they do that with their friends and happily drink soft drinks here. But of course happily drink Rum or cider if their Dad buys it in. DC GF went to his before and his GF did the best Mexican, her own salsa etc and was just so welcoming - that's my job or EXH job not hers. She's made herself aware or what DC will / won't eat & makes 'great' restaurant & travel suggestions because having no children she's done it all. Youngest wants to travel next year - she's offered with EXH to help plan it with her DB who has been where they want to go & pay his travel insurance. It's like I'm good for the boring stuff but she has great ideas !

Being “good enough for the boring stuff” once they are adults is a choice. They don’t need the boring stuff so much anymore.

Lots of parents lose closeness with their kids once they become adults because the kids needs change and the parents don’t develop shared interests with them. This may well have happened if you hadn’t divorced, but the older people “pulling” your kids away may have been G/BF’s parents, or even just the G/BFs themselves.

I can see why it might hurt more being an ex (and partner), especially if you did all the grunt work growing up because he wouldn’t step up. But this isn’t the crux of why this is happening.

If you want to be good enough for things other than the boring stuff, do things other than the boring stuff. Change your relationship with your kids before it fades.

asteroommatus · 30/10/2021 05:56

@PumpkinsandTea

Doesn't matter if they're adults or not! Who leaves their own Mum to spend Christmas alone, just so their Dad can play happy families?? What's wrong with them going on Boxing Day or Christmas Eve? I've spent Christmas alone before - it's miserable! He won't be alone on Christmas Day if they don't go to his but OP will be!

She isn't spending alone. Adult children do not have an obligation to spend Christmas day with only one parent. They really don't have an obligation to spend it with her based her relationship status.

She has people to spend Christmas with. She has had Christmas with her adult kids all the time she was dragging out the protected divorce because "I don't want to work more hours......I want him to continue to pay for everything".

The op even involved the kids in their divorce, admittedly only telling them her side of the story. Forcing him to tell them everything in detail and involving them in the process.

At no point has the op put her kids emotional needs first. She even made them responsible for things in the house so she didn't have to do it.

No adult kids have an obligation to spend Christmas with one parent only. But in this situation they definitely don't.

If op never has a relationship again, do you really believe the adult kids have to plan Christmas around her forever?

Offmyfence · 30/10/2021 06:07

Drop the very obvious bitterness and let your adult children be adults.

Offmyfence · 30/10/2021 06:09

@PumpkinsandTea

Doesn't matter if they're adults or not! Who leaves their own Mum to spend Christmas alone, just so their Dad can play happy families?? What's wrong with them going on Boxing Day or Christmas Eve? I've spent Christmas alone before - it's miserable! He won't be alone on Christmas Day if they don't go to his but OP will be!

Read the OP, it might enable you to give a sensible response!

FlippinFedUp21 · 30/10/2021 06:39

If and when your DC get partners, who's to say their families won't have traditions too? You'll have to "share" your DC with your ExH, but also your DCs' partners' families.

Probably best to start getting used to not always having things your way. It's not just your exH who you will have to rub along with for the sake of your DC.

Siepie · 30/10/2021 06:52

Their dad welcomes them and their partners and buys drinks they like instead of treating them like children, and his gf is welcoming and cooks nice food. It’s lovely that they have such a good relationship with their dad and his gf. I hope they have a lovely Christmas!

I hope you have a lovely Christmas too, but don’t try to ruin theirs to get your own way. Have a nice time with your relatives, and find another time to see your DC over the holidays.

Siepie · 30/10/2021 06:53

@PumpkinsandTea

Doesn't matter if they're adults or not! Who leaves their own Mum to spend Christmas alone, just so their Dad can play happy families?? What's wrong with them going on Boxing Day or Christmas Eve? I've spent Christmas alone before - it's miserable! He won't be alone on Christmas Day if they don't go to his but OP will be!

No she won’t. She’s said she goes to her relatives’ for Christmas. I’d say RTFT, but even just reading the OP would do!

SlugRose · 30/10/2021 07:57

@PumpkinsandTea

Doesn't matter if they're adults or not! Who leaves their own Mum to spend Christmas alone, just so their Dad can play happy families?? What's wrong with them going on Boxing Day or Christmas Eve? I've spent Christmas alone before - it's miserable! He won't be alone on Christmas Day if they don't go to his but OP will be!

Um.. she has options not to be alone. Read the OP.

And its not "playing happy families" it's having Christmas with their dad, which they seem keen to do for once, and his partner, who they seem to really like. So it is in fact, being happy with their family.

millymolls · 30/10/2021 10:09

Based on ops other thread on divorce boards her ex has been a bloody saint.
It’s about time he got to spend some time with his children at Christmas