EX H asked DC to Christmas before I did

[Time4change2018]

ExH & GF have 'got in first' & asked our 2 adult DC for Christmas dinner. I didn't ask or mention it yet possibly assuming they'd be with me. We split a number of years ago but family only sold this year. Until now plus covid Christmas was with me in family home - wake as family, breakfast etc then go to my family for big dinner, boxing day football usually either at match or my family watching on TV. ExH has said to both he'd like to see them on Christmas Day & have dinner with them - he said now both parents in new homes it's time for some new traditions maybe including their gf/bf if they want. DC thinks it's a reasonable idea but I think are wanting my blessing, they don't mind GF, her house is close enough to go over after breakfast.
Ex also pointed out I have a big family I see each Christmas & he doesn't. He would be with GF family if not seeing DC & appears to get along very well.
I'm sad because I really want my Christmas as normal with DC around all day. If I say I'd really want as normal I think they'll say to to him - but AIBU given he's asked etc
Help me feel more generous of spirit
DC early 20's 1 in uni other working away from home town - I don't know how many more Christmases I'll get just us before they move, travel, have family etc

I've just read the other thread. Bloody hell, OP. I've gone from thinking you're selfish to questioning your sanity and wondering whether you have always been delusional? 🤔🤯

Having read your previous thread I have to say I feel extremely sorry for your children. Your behaviour through your divorce was shocking. Let your children go and start doing things to make a life for yourself otherwise you stand a good chance of losing all contact with them. They are adults and entitled not to have to ask your approval.

I think you should emigrate go abroad for Christmas

@Sayitaintsoiwillnotgo

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/3366283-Divorce-advice-DC-at-uni-long-marriage?pg=1

I've put the link to your other thread. Your poor ex has put his life on hold for long enough through your behaviour. Your poor DC. You come across as a very jealous and bitter woman on both these threads. Let it go before you become a very lonely old person.

I thought i recognised the poster and this scenario. Op your ex has been more then patient and understanding over the years it’s time to show some of that to him and your children now and give them your blessing

They are adults, not babies. You said they have spent most Christmas days with you previously. Stop being selfish and let them decide who they want to spend the day with .

DC GF went to his before and his GF did the best Mexican, her own salsa etc and was just so welcoming - that's my job or EXH job not hers

Only you or exh are allowed to welcoming to your DC? Or only their parents are allowed to cook for them? Can you not understand how bizarre that is?

I felt quite bad for you on your first post. But now I actually think you are bringing this all on yourself. If sounds like you are a bit annoyed exh life has moved on. Even though it appears you wanted the split. Did you expect exh to give up any relationship with the kids? Take a step back and let you be the priority parent and him only get to see the kids when it suited you? Did you want him to be alone and miserable?

You are annoyed your exs gf wants to be nice to your kids. Or are you annoyed he seems to be enjoying life and has a nice girlfriend?

You have had the kids with you every Christmas so far, since the split. How long did you think that would continue?

The kids don't belong to you. They don't belong to your exh. They are people who are forming their own relationships with people including their dad's girlfriend

@Time4change2018 I really feel for you. I am in a similar position. Facing the first Christmas Day on my own. I know it has to happen but it doesn’t make it any easier. I don’t have a large extended family on my side unfortunately. I am planning a non Christmas Day on the day with just me and the dog. Long walk, crap dolmas and non Christmas food. I am also looking at volunteering opportunities in my area. I will have my day with my kids on Boxing Day or the day after. It will break my heart, but I will wave them off with a smile and reassurances as that’s what they need from me as their Mum. It’s bloody awful though

In the nicest possible way, it sounds like you need to accept your kids are adults now, and review the way you treat them. Your partner's gf sounds like she tries to treat them as equals, and they are responding well to it.

As sad as you may feel about it, give them your blessing for Christmas day and plan a different day together.

Just read your other thread.

You need to let this go. You've controlled your ex for years financially and he deserves a nice day with his children if they'd like to join him and his gf.

If you want to be thought of as fun and not boring, wave them off and be a fun mum to them. Stop comparing yourself to your ex's gf and be thankful she's not the jealous type who makes the father-child relationship more difficult. It's very lucky that she can help him with travel fans and they'll have a great meal.

Op reading your other thread, you seemed to have used your kids as a too. Manipulating them and exh. Like when you told them half a story about the divorce and involved them in it.

It really appears that everything seems to have to be about you and how you want things.

If you don't change your perspective and start considering that other people have wants and needs, then you are going to end up very alone. You aren't the only persons whose feelings need to be considered.

I am going to tell you something that I hope will help.

YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM OF YOUR EX AND HIS GF

If anything you are finally seeing the consequences of playing silly buggers for years with your ex and using your children to facilitate that.

You say in this thread that you said that your marriage had ended at YOUR instigation but in the other thread its clear that when it came to actually formalising that, you cast yourself as the spurned wife who is being left in abject penjury whilst he swans off with his new love.

Except thats not true is it? You walked away with well over half a million in cash and assests.....you need to remove your head from your arse and start taking responsibilty for your own life and your own decisions.

You sound like a nightmare. Get some therapy before you drive your children away. I wouldn't be at all surprised if they approached their DF re Christmas rather than vice versa.

You’re being selfish. They’ve been with you every Christmas so now it’s time to take it in turns. They’re happy and you have family to see too.

Change your paradigm - have family Christmas with your DC the week before or after then go on holiday alone over the 25th, ideally somewhere hot!

Oh wow, that other thread is something else . If you are at all capable of reflection I think you need to take a hard look at yourself. Your kids are now adults and have spent years being used as pawns it sounds while you failed to agree to the terms of a divorce and put their father through what sounds like absolute hell. That they now want to create new traditions with their dad and his partner could well be linked to your behaviour. I’d be wary of alienating them altogether if I were you, they must be thoroughly sick of the constant drama from you.

I got half a house 160k, 500k pension, cherry picked items for house and didn't paid a bean for any of it to the children & now won't honour the final thing to just move on ... I've had a lot of costs and paying £170 ish to him just sticks in my throat.

You got all of that, haven't paid anything towards your (admittedly adult) children, and you then threw a strop at contributing £170 towards a joint payment for skip?!!

Is this current strop just your temper tantrum at your lucky for him ex is happy now?

Wowser at your attitude!

And odds on this and the other thread disappearing....

@MichelleScarn

I got half a house 160k, 500k pension, cherry picked items for house and didn't paid a bean for any of it to the children & now won't honour the final thing to just move on ... I've had a lot of costs and paying £170 ish to him just sticks in my throat.

You got all of that, haven't paid anything towards your (admittedly adult) children, and you then threw a strop at contributing £170 towards a joint payment for skip?!!

Is this current strop just your temper tantrum at your lucky for him ex is happy now?

Wowser at your attitude!

The ex must be so pleased he's not longer in a relationship with OP seeing how she behaves.

Having read about the difficulties during your protracted divorce, I do think there is a risk you might inadvertently alienate your DC who are plenty old enough to vote with their feet.

Resenting your XH's new DP (they've been living together for a few years now) because she is friendly, welcoming and a good cook who will offer help to your DC, is perhaps natural but is something you absolutely must suppress.

Genuine smile,say you realize they are adults and they have your blessing.be alert to possibility of ex dh using the no family of his own card to get his own way.
But do look at other options to fill your time over festive season too,as things are changing it also gives you the freedom do try anything you've wanted to do too.it works both ways.
Have a great time either way.

Good grief @Time4change2018 , you sound utterly bitter and jealous , you should be pleased that your children have a lovely extended family to spend time with and to help them . It seems to me that you want your children all to yourself and to dislike their father like you obviously do .

I agree with ex. Your children are adults and it’s time to move on with new traditions. You can still have a lovely Christmas.

Can I ask if you paid for skip? I commented a few times on your other thread in relationships but you didn’t update.

You sound jealous of the relationship the GF has with the kids? That's actually understandable.

But you aren't the boring one. Remember that. She's an adult who cooks them food and helps plan trips.

You are the one they come to when they need love and support and advice about the serious things in life.

Their relationship with you is different - that doesn't make it inferior.

My parents have now been divorced for longer than they were married, and my siblings and I are all adults - sadly so much of your attitude resonates with how my mum has behaved.

Whether Christmas, birthdays, my wedding or simple days out and evenings in, she is utterly unable to accept us enjoying spending time with my dad and step mum, to such an extent that it is her that misses out on so much because we have all had to manage our lives to accommodate her bitterness.

I think the key is to remember that you divorced your husband but he remains your childrens father - it is entirely normal and healthy for adult children to enjoy spending time in the company of their father and his partner, for them to eat and drink together and for them to be interested and seek advice in what each other are planning in their lives.