Page 10 | EX H asked DC to Christmas before I did

Barton10 · 30/10/2021 10:15

It seems that the OP wants her ex to disappear. She wants her adult children to spend all Christmas Day and Boxing Day with her at her family’s house. She is treating them as children and doesn’t want them to grow up. Why shouldn’t they see their Dad for lunch on one of those days? It is something that you have to accept when you get divorced that special days are shared and you can’t carry on as you were. Carry on like this and you won’t see them at all.

diddl · 30/10/2021 10:24

@Barton10

It seems that the OP wants her ex to disappear. She wants her adult children to spend all Christmas Day and Boxing Day with her at her family’s house. She is treating them as children and doesn’t want them to grow up. Why shouldn’t they see their Dad for lunch on one of those days? It is something that you have to accept when you get divorced that special days are shared and you can’t carry on as you were. Carry on like this and you won’t see them at all.

I was thinking this!

So since the split their Dad hasn't seen them on CD or BD?

Why not I wonder?

Didn't he dare ask or did Op always "get in first"?

To have them both for both days is so selfish!

And it's not just about the split-have neither of them ever had a bfriend/gfriend that they wanted to see on either day?

Hope these kids manage to break free & set their own traditions!

uneffingbelievable · 30/10/2021 11:49

OP - you knew it was going to change as a natural course of life.

What sucks is a man you are divorced from thinks he has the right to state things have to change and in his time frame. Obviously not bothered before but as often when you divorce - one halfs agenda is not at the same time as the others.

Having said that if he was an actual adult - he would have asked the DCS what they wanted to do and engage you in coming up with a solution - rather than stating what he wants - so if the DCS want to do something different he can feel hard done by.

?Unnecessary mind game and control

Dixiechickonhols · 30/10/2021 12:00

I do think you would benefit from some counselling or empty nest type self help books.
You’ve final moved on physically into new house it’s time to move on mentally.
Your children are adults. Some years they’ll be with you, some years they’ll be with their partners family or abroad etc. It’s normal and natural.
You mention 3 weeks off work. It would be an ideal chance to volunteer, travel etc. It’s time to build a life for you OP. I’m sure they love spending time with you and you’ll find your rhythm.
Being awkward and bitter will push them away. You’ve been separated many years. He sounds like he’s been a decent husband and dad. Long marriages end, there was no ow and you’ve received a very fair settlement to move on. You have a nice new house - maybe join a diy or furniture restoration class in new year and see if you can meet some new people. Or join Gym, walking group etc. Don’t make it a chore to visit. Don’t criticise their Dad it’s unfair on them. At end of day you will all need to rub along at family events. Don’t make it awkward if you’ll be one left out.

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 30/10/2021 14:08

It sounds like op has an issue with the new gf over everything else.

Nyxs · 30/10/2021 14:37

I think ops issue is that the exh has moved on and found someone who seems to make him happy and cares about having a good relationship with his kids.

She seemed quite pleased on the other thread that the long drawn divorce was causing problems in the relationship.

I think op left her marriage. Expected her life to stay exactly the same while he faded away, but kept financing her life and she would carry on life exactly how she would have, had they still been together. Just with him no longer in the picture.

I can imagine she will be like this with future DIL/SIL should they even think about mot centering their plans around her.

That said, not entirely sure if op is being honest. Unless she has a personality change when talking about her kids and exh. The rest of her posts seem like someone who is switched on and has a lot of knowledge about UC and lots of other things. But then on her family threads, she comes across as an over indulged child who has no knowledge about anything. Almost like she has been secluded for the last 40 years.

AuntieStella · 30/10/2021 14:41

@MrsArchchancellorRidcully

It sounds like op has an issue with the new gf over everything else.

She's hardly a new GF.

They've been living together for about 4 years.

She was however the OW, but it's not clear if the relationship began before or after start of the 2 years of separate lives before he moved out.

Nyxs · 30/10/2021 14:50

She was however the OW, but it's not clear if the relationship began before or after start of the 2 years of separate lives before he moved out.

On the other thread op calls her OW, but also admits they were separated but living in the same house when he started seeing his gf. They separated at ops instigation.

I don't think label of OW is very fair to be honest.

MrsKeats · 30/10/2021 15:22

Who cares now about the time frame of the ex getting together with his new partner. It's years ago and the op can't seem to move on.
I think the ex has been incredibly patient and this thread is just another example of the op's bitterness and sense of entitlement.
Me and my ex have always managed to let our grown up kids fit us all in at Xmas.
My kids' partners also both have divorced parents so there are lots of people involved.
You have to let them be the adults and you can't expect Christmas to be the same as when they were little.

AuntieStella · 30/10/2021 15:27

Who cares now about the time frame of the ex getting together with his new partner

I posted to disagree with the characterisation of her as a 'new' GF, when she's been around for 5+ years, and a cohabiting DP for about 4

It's years ago and the op can't seem to move on

Exactly

LittleMysSister · 30/10/2021 15:36

@Nyxs

She was however the OW, but it's not clear if the relationship began before or after start of the 2 years of separate lives before he moved out.

On the other thread op calls her OW, but also admits they were separated but living in the same house when he started seeing his gf. They separated at ops instigation.

I don't think label of OW is very fair to be honest.

Agree. She was clearly not the other woman from OP's other thread? He just got together with her while they were still living in the same house despite being long separated.

Redglitter · 30/10/2021 16:00

DC GF went to his before and his GF did the best Mexican, her own salsa etc and was just so welcoming - that's my job or EXH job not hers. She's made herself aware or what DC will / won't eat

You're coming across as bitter and unpleasant. Shes done a lovely thing, made a lovely meal based on what they like. She's potentially their stepmother you need to accept that.

You're the one viewing everything as a competition. If you behave the way you're coming across on this thread your children will be opting to spend a lot more time with their Dad

You're the one being hurt by your bitterness - they're all moving on and enjoying life

SHONNYSMUMMY · 30/10/2021 17:29

@Time4change2018

ExH & GF have 'got in first' & asked our 2 adult DC for Christmas dinner. I didn't ask or mention it yet possibly assuming they'd be with me. We split a number of years ago but family only sold this year. Until now plus covid Christmas was with me in family home - wake as family, breakfast etc then go to my family for big dinner, boxing day football usually either at match or my family watching on TV. ExH has said to both he'd like to see them on Christmas Day & have dinner with them - he said now both parents in new homes it's time for some new traditions maybe including their gf/bf if they want. DC thinks it's a reasonable idea but I think are wanting my blessing, they don't mind GF, her house is close enough to go over after breakfast. Ex also pointed out I have a big family I see each Christmas & he doesn't. He would be with GF family if not seeing DC & appears to get along very well. I'm sad because I really want my Christmas as normal with DC around all day. If I say I'd really want as normal I think they'll say to to him - but AIBU given he's asked etc Help me feel more generous of spirit DC early 20's 1 in uni other working away from home town - I don't know how many more Christmases I'll get just us before they move, travel, have family etc

Being quite selfish, its so unfair as children to ve stuck in the middle of our parents woes. You've had them every year if all he has is them as immediate family give him some grace. Sounds like you'll still see them overnight and in the morning. Then you can go and see the rest of your family. Dont spoil your own festive cheer as well.

Whatthefandango · 30/10/2021 17:38

Yabu. I’m an adult child of divorced parents. You need to share them.

youcantchoosethem · 30/10/2021 17:56

You are absolutely going to feel put out and find it difficult to come to terms with new arrangements and should be mindful not to let your feelings colour the situation. Please ensure you listen to your children - what do they want? Without pressurising them or hinting let them decide what they want to do. As others have said I think you are lucky to have a lovely adult in their lives who wants to help them out and of course the grass will feel greener for a while with a new opportunity and more freedoms by the sound of it at her house, but allow them to enjoy it, make up their own minds and know that if you have put in the good work to date then your relationship is sound and they will always love you too. It is always a minefield - tread with care and keep your opinions to yourself as much as you can! Good luck

Insanelysilver · 30/10/2021 18:08

It’s really really hard but I think it’s not realistic for your DC to be with you over Christmas as before. You’re divorced now so it’s only fair to take it in turns for as long as the youngsters are up for it.

Undisclosedlocation · 30/10/2021 18:21

So you’ve been separated for YEARS, the DC are now adults and you have had them with you every year without fail up until now?

You really are being unspeakably bloody selfish OP

Beastieboys · 30/10/2021 18:27

You sound a tad envious....

Pmmmmmmm · 30/10/2021 18:28

I would never be okay with giving up Christmas for an ex. Every other holiday is fine, but NOT Christmas. I do have kids, but I’m still happily married. How attached are you to Christmas? Maybe you get Christmas and they get whatever other holiday you guys have (if American, they can get Thanksgiving, for example).

Sweettea1 · 30/10/2021 18:28

They are adults its not about your wants and needs.
Ask these adults were they want Christmas Dinner then accept it.

I have a ds14 and have asked him for the last 2 years if he would like to spent Christmas at his dad's thankfully he says no an stays at home I do this because its about what ds wants not me.

PurpleDaisies · 30/10/2021 18:30

@Pmmmmmmm

I would never be okay with giving up Christmas for an ex. Every other holiday is fine, but NOT Christmas. I do have kids, but I’m still happily married. How attached are you to Christmas? Maybe you get Christmas and they get whatever other holiday you guys have (if American, they can get Thanksgiving, for example).

Whether you’re ok with it or not, that’s what would have to happen. No parent can just demand they get Christmas every year. It’s totally unfair to put the children in that position.

Nyxs · 30/10/2021 18:31

@Pmmmmmmm

I would never be okay with giving up Christmas for an ex. Every other holiday is fine, but NOT Christmas. I do have kids, but I’m still happily married. How attached are you to Christmas? Maybe you get Christmas and they get whatever other holiday you guys have (if American, they can get Thanksgiving, for example).

That's not how separating works.

You don't get to say 'I get every Christmas because I said so' and that's the end of it.

Plus ops children are adults. Why on earth would you think you will be able to stop an adult seeing their father on Christmas day?

How are would you do that? Lock them in until the 27th? Guilt trip them so they feel they can't make their own decision? Threaten them? Threaten the ex?

Beastieboys · 30/10/2021 18:41

Oh dear...... The green eyed monster is really out of its cage now and you are coming over very bitter.
Make your kids time with you fun instead of just plodding along in the same old rut.
Why can't you go places with them and cook their favorite food instead of chucking a takeaway menu on the table?

Offmyfence · 30/10/2021 18:46

@Pmmmmmmm

I would never be okay with giving up Christmas for an ex. Every other holiday is fine, but NOT Christmas. I do have kids, but I’m still happily married. How attached are you to Christmas? Maybe you get Christmas and they get whatever other holiday you guys have (if American, they can get Thanksgiving, for example).

They've got adult children, who have chosen to go their dads! Not up to mum, or you, you don't get to decide you won't give up Christmas!

Even if they were young children, you still wouldn't get to decide.

Madness

LindaLooky · 30/10/2021 18:52

I can see it's sad for you but I think yabu and need to give your blessing.

My parents divorced years ago and xmas is a rather unpleasant minefield as I try to be fair, I actually just want to stay at home with my own family (which I did last year cos of covid and it was great!), this year I'm back to negotiating who we will spend the day with.