EX H asked DC to Christmas before I did

[Time4change2018]

ExH & GF have 'got in first' & asked our 2 adult DC for Christmas dinner. I didn't ask or mention it yet possibly assuming they'd be with me. We split a number of years ago but family only sold this year. Until now plus covid Christmas was with me in family home - wake as family, breakfast etc then go to my family for big dinner, boxing day football usually either at match or my family watching on TV. ExH has said to both he'd like to see them on Christmas Day & have dinner with them - he said now both parents in new homes it's time for some new traditions maybe including their gf/bf if they want. DC thinks it's a reasonable idea but I think are wanting my blessing, they don't mind GF, her house is close enough to go over after breakfast.
Ex also pointed out I have a big family I see each Christmas & he doesn't. He would be with GF family if not seeing DC & appears to get along very well.
I'm sad because I really want my Christmas as normal with DC around all day. If I say I'd really want as normal I think they'll say to to him - but AIBU given he's asked etc
Help me feel more generous of spirit
DC early 20's 1 in uni other working away from home town - I don't know how many more Christmases I'll get just us before they move, travel, have family etc

I feel for you. I’ve spent one Christmas Day without my children so far - my attitude was, you were unfaithful, you left, you don’t get first dibs. Gradually getting less arsy about it and thinking of opportunities (ideally post boat to arctic circle type opportunities!). As well, of course, about realising that Christmas is about our children no matter how old. Still, I hear this voice at the back of brain muttering feckin-knob-turnip-how-very-dare-you. Twat. Etc.
Christmas Day is ultimately as big a day as you want to make it and I suspect you hold a really special place in your childrens’ hearts,so you can share some special time with them another day. I hope you take this opportunity and create something fun out of it. (Twat!)

I feel for you OP, last year was the first time we didn't have Xmas all 4 of use thought for 2 years we shared although divorced 😬
Kids didn't want to do that any more! And last year ex had had Covid so they went tohis, its was hard. This year they are coming to me, but ex ha ALREADY asked that next year they come to him!! I've said its up to them but I wouldn't make anything difficult, but at 30 and 24 they are old enough to decide. Just point that out to them!!

@SlugRose

Let them go, they'll come back xxx

@SlugRose, this gave me a lump in my throat.

Nobody likes change. And life is all about change.

I was with you OP until I read some of your updates and honestly you just come across as abit bitter and like you are refusing to acknowledge your children as adults

@Pmmmmmmm

I would never be okay with giving up Christmas for an ex. Every other holiday is fine, but NOT Christmas. I do have kids, but I’m still happily married. How attached are you to Christmas? Maybe you get Christmas and they get whatever other holiday you guys have (if American, they can get Thanksgiving, for example).

This is an incredibly ego-centric attitude. It's not yours to give up or not. You have no rights to their company.

These are adults who get to choose for themselves. Of course, the time you have spent with them bringing them up will hopefully mean they want to spend time with you. But if you treat them as owing you exactly what you want regardless of their own desires, that's less likely.

@Properjob

I feel for you OP, last year was the first time we didn't have Xmas all 4 of use thought for 2 years we shared although divorced 😬 Kids didn't want to do that any more! And last year ex had had Covid so they went tohis, its was hard. This year they are coming to me, but ex ha ALREADY asked that next year they come to him!! I've said its up to them but I wouldn't make anything difficult, but at 30 and 24 they are old enough to decide. Just point that out to them!!

Absolutely ridiculous!

Get a grip!

@Properjob

I feel for you OP, last year was the first time we didn't have Xmas all 4 of use thought for 2 years we shared although divorced 😬 Kids didn't want to do that any more! And last year ex had had Covid so they went tohis, its was hard. This year they are coming to me, but ex ha ALREADY asked that next year they come to him!! I've said its up to them but I wouldn't make anything difficult, but at 30 and 24 they are old enough to decide. Just point that out to them!!

Kids and 30 and 24! I'd be shamed at my mother calling me kids!

My DHs parents are divorced. We alternate Xmas with his family and my family. When we see his family we see his dad in the morning for breakfast and pressies, then his mum in afternoon for more pressies and Xmas late lunch. It's a busy and fun day and keeps everyone happy.

@Bellee11

My DHs parents are divorced. We alternate Xmas with his family and my family. When we see his family we see his dad in the morning for breakfast and pressies, then his mum in afternoon for more pressies and Xmas late lunch. It's a busy and fun day and keeps everyone happy.

Do you have children? How far apart do they live?

@Properjob I am probably missing the point and/or reading it wrong....but what does your ex having covid have to do with them going to his.

If he had covid, why did they go at all?

[quote Nyxs]@Properjob I am probably missing the point and/or reading it wrong....but what does your ex having covid have to do with them going to his.

If he had covid, why did they go at all?[/quote]
Probably because they preferred that, to some over bearing mother's!

*mother

I have to say the gf sounds lovely. Goes without saying that she’ll never replace you or even come close though obviously.

It is so tough believe me I know. Xmas should be shared alternate years. It took me over 1k to get agreement with my ex to have our children every other and they are 6,10 and 13. I haven't had them for the last two xmas so looking forward to this year in our new home. Make the best of when you have them and send them to your ex with your blessing is my advice. Big hugs

@QueenBee42

It is so tough believe me I know. Xmas should be shared alternate years. It took me over 1k to get agreement with my ex to have our children every other and they are 6,10 and 13. I haven't had them for the last two xmas so looking forward to this year in our new home. Make the best of when you have them and send them to your ex with your blessing is my advice. Big hugs

The OP’s children are in their twenties

If you secured alternate years… why two years without them?

@CrankyFrankie

I have to say the gf sounds lovely. Goes without saying that she’ll never replace you or even come close though obviously.

Not a given Especially if OP is one to make them feel guilty and torn

Yes, we have our own children.
His parents live in same city so it's easy to visit both in one day. We normally stay at his mum's house but make a big effort to get up early to celebrate Xmas morning at his dad's house and then onto the extended family on his dad's side before spending afternoon and eve with his mum. His dad spends afternoon with his partner's family. My son is 5 and loves all the attention he gets from both sets of grandparents and great-grandparents all day!

We alternate so every other year we are with my side of family who live in different part of country.

A friend of mine recently told me about how she spends every 2nd Christmas alone as e kids go to get ex-h’s and new wife’s house: she got so fed up with crashing on (willing and welcoming) friends that she started booking holidays away to flew places and spent time with single or childless or gay friends, ideally in exotic locations. She said it was a welcome and wonderful change to the established traditions. Yes it felt different but once she accepted that this was just different and not ‘wrong’ she was so much happier and now really looks forward to it.

New traditions are great, but you have to go into them willingly and with great expectation and acceptance. Not doing it, going through motions, wishing it was somehow different.

Without meaning to sound harsh, you are divorced. He has as much right to have a Christmas with them and if you say ‘no’ that’s not very fair on your kids who will probably stay with you out of pity…. And also it’s not fair on your ex who wants his family with him not just his GF’s….
Think about what you would like to do? Of course you could go to your family’s house but could you think bigger? Why not go to a spa hotel and LUX out and be spoilt? Or go to London and get tickets to the theatre. Or fly somewhere warm and which doesn’t celebrate Christmas??? Egypt. Sit on a beach and read a book with a cocktail in hand. Sure the prices are v reasonable…. Just done sit at home feeling miserable because you will be miserable and your kids will know it and feel terrible.

I recognised you about halfway through this thread, OP. I get that you didn't really want to change your life and it is hard. But everyone else involved has moved on already because they want to and you are setting yourself up for constant disappointment by expecting things to stay the same when they are happier with the change.

Accept that your adult children have made their choice for this year, and move forward gracefully - don't ask them to change it, especially if you would find it hard to deal with a refusal. Don't be competitive with your ex, move your focus away from what he and his partner are doing. Look forward instead of back.

Completely empathise with your desire to have them with you but it’s not about what we want. Christmas is not one day, let them have the 25th with your ex and focus on the other festive days when they’re with you.

They are his children too. You say you have had them every Christmas day and boxing day since the split. Isn't it about te he had a turn. My partner and I have a system in place. One year my family one year his then one at home.

Christmas is a time for family so if they want to spend time with their dad, that’s perfectly reasonable. It really shouldn’t be about “who got in there first” - it should be up to them to decide what they’re doing without feeling guilty that they’re gonna upset a parent along the way.
Why don’t you suggest a “taking it in turns” approach? Let them go to their dad for Christmas Day this year and then you have them on the 26th for Christmas Day take 2! Then next year you have them for 25th and then off to Dads on the 26th?
I voted YABU as it comes across that you just want them with you full stop. That’s too selfish an outlook IMO xxx

You are so unreasonable its unbelievable. I wanted to be kind, and acknowledge that this is difficult, but CHRIST! The backstory here!

You are at serious risk of alienating these children forever. Let. Go. They are adults.

OP, remember:

A child is not just for Christmas, It's for life.

@jamandmarmalade

OP, remember:

A child is not just for Christmas, It's for life.