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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in considering asking my MIL to only come to our wedding reception for an hour or so then take the kids home?

153 replies

KittyLetteItSnow · 11/12/2007 15:28

Shes the only one DS2 will settle with apart from me and even then he will spend the past part of 30 minutes sobbing 'mama'

They are only 18 months and 3 years old and I cannot relax when I cant see them, we had DS2s christening about 3 weeks agao and from the second we arrived at the party hall I wanted to leave, it was crowded and dark with disco lights and i spent the whole night running after them.

I cant do that on my wedding day, especially not in the dress I have,

I know you will say 'can't someone just keep an eye on them at the party for you'

but several people said that at the christening then Id turn round to find them hiding alone near thew toilets - or the person would go to the bar and not be watching them ect.

At theur ages i cant keep them in a buggy all night.

I know its her sons wedding but in all truthfullness shes not taken that much interest and this would be the best and nicest thing she could do for us on the day.

Cant hire a sitter as DS2 is sooo clingy and would just scream for me and DS1 hates unfamiliarity.

OP posts:
Original poster
KittyLetteItSnow · 11/12/2007 16:47

Sorry for being so snappy am just overrun at the moment and didnt realise how much hard work it would be running about after them both in a dark halluntil the other week.

Think you have all been a bit unfair though.

Am off now.

OP posts:
5GoldenFIMBOs · 11/12/2007 16:47

Round of applause for NAB best suggestion yet.

Original poster
KittyLetteItSnow · 11/12/2007 16:47

No not all just some,

Anyway wedding will be over soon and i wont have to bore you all anymore

OP posts:
dingdongMegaLegsonhigh · 11/12/2007 16:52

Did you say that MIL nearly wasn't going to come because of work? That would make me feel it was slightly less unreasonable to ask her.

I can see where you are coming from Kitty, we got married 3 years ago today. I was 3 months pg and had a 5,4 and 16 month old. We didn't have a big reception (we will do one day) but a small family meal at a nice hotel, then the boys went home with my parents and they all stayed at our house whilst DH and I spent our wedding night at the hotel. Is it too late to change your reception plans? Have the wedding and save the big reception until your dcs are easier to leave? I have never used anyone outside the family to babysit either (have never needed to).

I think some people have been a bit tough on you here, hope you are ok.

Weegle · 11/12/2007 16:54

I hope you don't think I have been unfair as I have read through my posts and certainly don't think I have been. I've not been judgemental, just offered solutions. It is of course your prerogative to decide what to do on the night and ignore these suggestions if you see fit. I think you need to stand back and try and gain some perspective on it though.

Have fun at the rehearsal.

KaySamuels · 11/12/2007 17:06

Kitty I would just like to say I hope your wedding goes well, and try to relax at reception, just let them be kids and tire themselves out, and stop yourself following them all over!

I'd like to pat you on the back for getting your dcs lined up for sleep clinic, my ds would not sleep in his room, would become so upset he would be sick, but would happily sleep in our bedroom. He came around in the end and from being in our bed rather than shunted out I think he has become a secure and confident little boy.

Elkat · 11/12/2007 17:23

Okay, I understand where you are coming from, I wouldn't want to leave my kids without someone outside the family, but at this late stage, you have got to compromise!

Okay so your options are...

  1. Paid childcarer from bedtime
  2. Keep them up and bed in corner of room.
  3. MIL takes them home at bedtime
  4. Keep them up, try bed, if fails MIL takes them home about 11pm.

I know it is your wedding, but they are your kids, and it does seem that you are not prepared to compromise on this at all. You are just expecting someone else to bail you out - you do want her to miss out on everything, whilst you make no compromise at all. To me, that does seem unreasonable.

So I think the best option would be 4. Whilst they are awake, have a rota of people who each do an hour each (as others have said) so you are not dumping the kids on one person in particular. Also take lots of toys to keep them entertained, that is the key! Keep them up as late as possible. If necessary get someone to push them around in a pushchair / drive them about for a bit until they zonk out, then bring them back to the beds in the reception venue. This should keep them going until at least 11pm. If then, after everything else has failed then ask your mother in law to take them home (But make it clear that that would only be as a last resort, with all the other steps put in place first!)

I took my DDS to a wedding this summer (they were 3 and 1/2) I was worried about how late they would stay up, but they managed until 11pm fine, and then they fell asleep as soon as they got into the car. Sheer tiredness got the better of them! I think asking her to leave before about 11pm would be unreasonable. Sorry. But i hope this compromise works (or you get something else sorted!)
Have a good wedding

LazyLinePainterJane · 11/12/2007 17:26

No Kitty, what I meant about a babysitter was to hire someone to look after them at the wedding

NAB3littlemonkeys · 11/12/2007 17:31

"Round of applause for NAB best suggestion yet"

Any good?

kaz33 · 11/12/2007 17:35

We got married last year, we had a nanny with toys for our kids (5 + 3) and cousin till about 10 (during the meal) they then joined in the highland dancing and finally went to bed about 1.30am (DS1 asked if it was time to go to bed)

That extra 2 years does make a big difference which was one of the reasons that we left it a couple of years before we got married.

choosyfloosy · 11/12/2007 17:38

I know you have already said not, but could you consider again hiring a trained nanny for the day, and having them at the wedding? I know it would be more expensive, but seriously I think you should at least consider this. Nannies or childminders with a real vocation for the job are truly amazing with kids (obvious I know) and if they were all at the wedding you wouldn't be leaving them.

I would say definitely not an MIL, but just possibly it could be a wedding present for you from, say, 2 sisters/SILs, if you trust them. I would dread asking mine though.

QuintessentialShadowOfSnowball · 11/12/2007 17:54

Kitty, do your children go to nursery, or playgroup? If so, could you ask one of the staff there if they want to babysit for you?

I think your options are the following:

During reception:
a) either work out a rota where family members are responsible for keeping an eye on them or ;
b) having a paid sitter look after them

Bedtime, YOU or MIL go home WITH babysitter, where you or MIL settle them to sleep in the bed they are used to sleeping in, and when they are asleep YOU and/or MIL return to the party leaving the babysitter in the house while you are away and they are asleep.

In any case, regards the sleeping. Have you ever tried moving them to their beds while they are asleep?

MerryAnnSinglemas · 11/12/2007 19:25

YABU in my opinion and if you carry on like this your life really will be on hold until they're 30

vicky55 · 11/12/2007 19:37

will you be drinking on your wedding night?

SheherazadetheSwedishjulbok · 11/12/2007 19:42

my dd was 8 months at my wedding so a wee bit different to you. i took her home and put her to bed and my friends lovely mother babysat. tbh i was glad of the break, i was secretly hoping to miss the speeches but sadly they waited for me to return.

mummymagic · 11/12/2007 20:46

Oh dear. Sorry, I misread thought you were getting married in a year or two!

Am with Morningpaper et al on not changing your parenting style for one day. Not a big fan of Tori's 'get on with it' approach (even if it DID work) - Im sure there are more creative and kind ways to teach your child that sleeping alone is fun! But about the WEDDING...

We had lovely wedding with the kids going with the flow - honestly, we had 5 babies (all around 1 year)- one of whom had NEVER been out of routine, usually slept 7-7 yadayadayada and stayed up on the day (best man's baby he was v anxious about it) til 10pm! All babies were fine and happy and cuddled and loved (and noisy- especially during the ceremony BIG FUN). Your family will want to help if your little ones need more cuddles - and of course there will be lots of familiar faces there. Def ask your MiL how she wants to help.

But if you have to, take them home. how lovely to have a cuddle and sleep with ALL your new wedded family in your post-fabulous-wedding-day bliss!!

Pollyannainexcelsis · 11/12/2007 20:53

I think you need to re-think the focus of your wedding. Make it centred around you, your dp and your children. Don't expect a grown up wedding - dance with your children, let them run around, hold them whenever they want to be held. If you don't expect that you will be able to speak to everyone and mingle with a glass of champagne in your hands, you won't feel resentful Try and make the hall as child friendly as possible so that you don't have to watch them all the time and just go with the flow.

In 10 years time you can renew your vows and do the grown up thing

chocolatespiders · 11/12/2007 21:08

i think at the wedding people will be more keen to help you out as it is you day, where as at the christening it was all about the children iyswim?

but you do deserve a night away fromt eh dc's and think you should plan a weekend honeymoon????

I hope you enjoy your special day....

hatrick · 11/12/2007 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HonoriaGlossop · 11/12/2007 21:18

i totally agree with Pollyanna - focus on you and your kids rather than having an evening off and dancing till midnight. Given your children's ability to settle with others (or lack of it, bless them!) and your (in my view perfectly correct)view that they're too young to be left to run about a place like that without anyone having full on responsibility for them, i think that your options when organising this wedding were either a) have a totally different sort of reception eg a lunch or tea party centred round the family or b) ORGANISE child care that suits you and your kids before you commit to the 'single girl' style of wedding reception.

I do think you're right not to want them left to run round, kids this age can get into trouble at these things - of course it's usually fine but with no sense of danger, etc, they NEED to be supervised, or at home. But I think you've just left it too late to organise your 'child free' night.

Hope it goes well, anyway!

Hulababy · 11/12/2007 21:22

I can't see anyway that you could ask MIl to do this. Can't see how it would be fair on her TBH.

Can you all do "shifts" at watching them - you, DH and MIL?

Could you bring a travel cot/play pen for the 18 month old? Would at least contain him, esp if filled with toys.

And bring some activities and toys for the 3 year old - colouring, books, dolls, cars, whatever. And get him on the dance floor with the guests, they can take it in turns to boogie with him.

What time does the recepion party finish? Have you discussed plans for later if it goes on into the evening?

Hulababy · 11/12/2007 21:24

If going on into evening - make sure you have PJs to put them into as they get tired, and somewhere for them to lay down in a corner - pushchair, travel cot, ready bed, etc.

LittleSleighBellasRinging · 11/12/2007 21:28

...

frostythesnowmum · 11/12/2007 21:30

OMG Kitty how could you suggest such a thing! YABU TOTALLY

ssd · 11/12/2007 21:33

so Kitty, have you asked her yet?

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