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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I the boiled frog?

133 replies

Tac83 · 28/10/2021 22:02

Have been a very long time lurker and inspired by recent threads to share my own story. Early 40s, three children, not married but live-in partner. Midlands based.

Should start by saying I think I’m quite hard work, quite anxious, ocd tendencies, liable to seek control in any situation. I’m also the classic ‘good girl’ straight As, Top uni, big job etc. Had quite high pressure parents who always expected highly.

Have been with my partner (not husband) around 10 years. He is a very involved father, definitely equal involvement etc. But… I think I’m going entirely mad and feel like I’ve lost all perspective. Also coming from background where parents still together 45+ years in.

Generally we rub along ok, but over the years have been a number of one-off incidents - really angry outbursts that feel out of control involving throwing things, lots of swearing (continues quite frequently to this day) , hurting me - bruises have been left from kicks and grabs and once a full potty (wee) thrown at me. I am aware that I have generally not been easy to live with, and understand that I obviously trigger something in him.

He has really made an effort in the last year or so to calm down, post some relationship counselling we had. The issue is I can’t seem to move on or forgive past behaviour. I wish I could as am desperate for my children to have their dad around. Please can I get some perspective from others, finding it very hard to think straight right now. Also worried in the background as to how he would react to me making a break. I just can’t figure out if this is a normal dynamic or if we have a categoric problem. Thank you all.

AIBU- yes - this sounds pretty standard.
AINBU- no, this is ridiculous, you’ve lost perspective. Leave him

OP posts:

TheBeesKnee · 28/10/2021 22:05

He is abusing you. I also suspect that your anxiety etc is exacerbated by his foul behaviour.

Helenluvsrob · 28/10/2021 22:05

LTB.
Stop making excuses for him. Regardless if you being “ hard work “ ( irrelevant ) this is abuse. Plain and simple. Get out. If not for you , for you children who ARE being damaged by this here and now.

Athomewiththehales89 · 28/10/2021 22:06

Very easy to just say leave but not always as easy to do in practice but yeah this is terrible. I’m sorry you have been treated like this x

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/10/2021 22:06

but over the years have been a number of one-off incidents - really angry outbursts that feel out of control involving throwing things, lots of swearing (continues quite frequently to this day) , hurting me - bruises have been left from kicks and grabs and once a full potty (wee) thrown at me

None of this is normal. None of this is okay. None of this is forgivable. This isn’t a list of “one-offs”, it’s a pattern of abuse.

You deserve so much better. I think you know that.

He’s violent, abusive and dangerous.

Hungry675tf · 28/10/2021 22:07

None of that is standard. At all.

Blueuggboots · 28/10/2021 22:07

He's done a number on you hasn't he? What exactly do you do that is so dreadful to warrant behaviour like that?

OnTheNatureOfDaylight · 28/10/2021 22:07

When you had counselling did you tell the therapist about the abuse?

purplesnowman · 28/10/2021 22:08

Awww reading this made me sad. I hope you manage to leave. As pp said you really do deserve better

Embracelife · 28/10/2021 22:09

Leave.
Your dc can have him around 50% of time
Any bruise is assault

jamaisjedors · 28/10/2021 22:11

In your family are you seen as "hard work" or just by your partner? What about at work?

I say this as the famliy lore has it that i am "difficult" so i put up with a lot of shout from my ex. Finally got the strength to leave him when i realised that actually I'm a pretty great person... You probably are too.

3scape · 28/10/2021 22:11

You're too much of a pleaser/ trying to win person. You can do everything right and still life can take a wrong turn.

Get out, leave him or the kids will be learning this is normal and ok too. Do you want them beaten up by future partners? By him?

Toomanyradishes · 28/10/2021 22:11

In a relationship either side has the option to leave. If one partner is hard to live with a 'triggers' something a good person leaves before it gets to the hitting and throwing wee stage. He is not a good partner, you need to leave, this abuse is not your fault

PurpleEchoLamp · 28/10/2021 22:13

You are definitely the boiled frog.

Whereismumhiding3 · 28/10/2021 22:15

Yanbu
Really not normal behaviour at all in relationship. You shouldn't feel scared of your partner. That list is horrendous . Please talk to a female friend you trust irl

CeramicMary · 28/10/2021 22:16

Do you realise that ‘a number of one-off incidents’ is a complete contradiction?

Jagley · 28/10/2021 22:17

It's not normal, he is abusing you. There is no excuse for violence. What would you say to your children in the future if they told you they were in a relationship like this? I also agree with a pp who said your anxiety is probably a lot worse thanks to him.

minou123 · 28/10/2021 22:17

I don't care how "hard work" you are (and I very much doubt you are)....nobody.....absolutely nobody should be hurting you.

You maybe right and maybe you are a little like a boiled frog. I'm really pleased you posted here and hopefully the help and support you get will help you realise you are worth so much more than this.

I'll say it again, just in case....

You are worth so much more than this.

Palavah · 28/10/2021 22:17

Who's name is the house in?

Pallisers · 28/10/2021 22:18

really angry outbursts that feel out of control involving throwing things, lots of swearing (continues quite frequently to this day) , hurting me - bruises have been left from kicks and grabs and once a full potty (wee) thrown at me

Well I wouldn't forgive this - I wouldn't have stayed around to make it a matter of forgiveness. You are definitely a boiled frog and none of this is normal

Jesus he threw urine at you! Left bruises on his wife - the one he is supposed to love more than anyone. He is one sick fuck. Bet he doesn't do that with anyone else in his life.

AMostExcellentStick · 28/10/2021 22:18

What you’ve described is violent abuse. You should not - must not - forgive it. Taking your children away from this man is protecting them, not doing them harm.

I understand this must be so scary and confusing. Talk to your local women’s aid or domestic abuse charity, they can help you to make a plan to leave safely.

Pallisers · 28/10/2021 22:18

Oh, and I wouldn't think he is a great father either. If your sister confided in you that her husband had done that, would you leave your children with him to mind for a couple of hours? I doubt it.

JayAlfredPrufrock · 28/10/2021 22:20

DH and I had words earlier. Quite severe words. He went off to an appointment whilst I seethed at home.

He came back with wine.

That’s normal.

notanothertakeaway · 28/10/2021 22:22

Lundy Bancroft write a great book "Why does he do that?" You might find it helpful

H1Drangea · 28/10/2021 22:23

This is not normal behaviour from him
Been with my DH for nearly 30 years , this sort of thing has never happened
Throwing wee at you , bruising you ?
No , never let it happen again.
He needs to leave

DrManhattan · 28/10/2021 22:23

Doesn't sound normal to me.

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