Am I the boiled frog?

[Tac83]

Have been a very long time lurker and inspired by recent threads to share my own story. Early 40s, three children, not married but live-in partner. Midlands based.

Should start by saying I think I’m quite hard work, quite anxious, ocd tendencies, liable to seek control in any situation. I’m also the classic ‘good girl’ straight As, Top uni, big job etc. Had quite high pressure parents who always expected highly.

Have been with my partner (not husband) around 10 years. He is a very involved father, definitely equal involvement etc. But… I think I’m going entirely mad and feel like I’ve lost all perspective. Also coming from background where parents still together 45+ years in.

Generally we rub along ok, but over the years have been a number of one-off incidents - really angry outbursts that feel out of control involving throwing things, lots of swearing (continues quite frequently to this day) , hurting me - bruises have been left from kicks and grabs and once a full potty (wee) thrown at me. I am aware that I have generally not been easy to live with, and understand that I obviously trigger something in him.

He has really made an effort in the last year or so to calm down, post some relationship counselling we had. The issue is I can’t seem to move on or forgive past behaviour. I wish I could as am desperate for my children to have their dad around. Please can I get some perspective from others, finding it very hard to think straight right now. Also worried in the background as to how he would react to me making a break. I just can’t figure out if this is a normal dynamic or if we have a categoric problem. Thank you all.

Xx

AIBU- yes - this sounds pretty standard.
AINBU- no, this is ridiculous, you’ve lost perspective. Leave him

I was you, right down to the blaming myself for this stuff. It got much worse and I left. I had to have someone tell me I was being abused, though in retrospect I see that many others tried to tell me before it got so bad. They failed because I thought it was a matter of managing things. It was not. It was me starting to acclimatise to abuse and that is was normal.

Plan your departure because I did not. I literally snapped and gained some courage to throw him out of the house. It was war from then and it went on for years. He needed control far, far more than I ever imagined.

He is now with a woman who has the same social background and profile as me. He knows how to pick them.

I second the Bancroft book. I marked up his behaviour on the lists. Years later I wonder how I put up with it. The reality was, he was in my headspace all the time. That was the secret, I just didn't think of myself at all.

Lots of info here, including advice on rights and legal matters:

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/your-legal-rights/

@LexMitior do you mind me asking what went on for years? I'm two months away from mine moving out. We have a DS whom he is already using to hurt me. I don't think the divorce will mean I'm free of him so trying to understand what behaviour he may exhibit going forward.

💐 to OP. You can hopefully see from this thread that you are being abused x

Hi, obviously men like this vary, but I had every kind of disgusting behaviour you could imagine, from violence to me, violence to my child, sexually inappropriate conduct, financial abuse, being terrorised by three law firms as he tried to regain what control he felt he was entitled to (he did btw have a lot of money to do this). House being broken into, being stalked, visiting my work place, pointless litigation designed to drain me of any money I had. I was very, very poor for a long time.

My divorce took five years to finish. It was pretty obvious to me that his intention was to make me have a mental breakdown by grinding me down and then he would take our child as he had another woman lined up to do my role. She's still there, looking increasingly confused as he abuses her in the same way, successful woman, prominent in her field.

I can tell you however he didn't win. I have nearly full custody of our child. The allegations of his conduct remain on the court files until the age of 18. I have a house, financial security, no more depression and anxiety, and my career is blossoming. My child is growing and he becomes ever more marginal because of his behaviour. Others notice and I am vindicated.

It took everything I had to do this, and I don't give him the time of day. We speak via a court order. One example, he spent £5000 on hookers rather than pay maintenance - I saw the accounts.

"The issue is I can’t seem to move on or forgive past behaviour."

That would appear to be because the past behaviour was seriously bad enough that deep down you know that it was categorically not acceptable, and that maybe one or two of the more minor incidents could be forgiven, but the sheer number and type (a load of wee FFS?) are beyond the pale.

Sorry for what you are going through.
One thought tho. Before you confide in Family and Friends, perhaps you could check out the legal situation and Women's aid first and get some advice and counselling from them.
Because. Families and friends in your case, don't sound that supportive and you don't want to have to deal with parental pressure before you are sure of what you want to do. In addition, you might get some do gooder thinking they can help out by speaking directly to your partner before you are ready for him to know. So if you do speak to anyone you have to be sure they won't do that, particularly if they are resistant to change.
If you have had some counselling/advice before that you will be clearer in your mind what you want to do and will be able to withstand some of the initial reaction when you do tell,
A family friend wanted to leave a 20 year marriage and the (overbearing) DM was initially furious because the level of success and outward picture of perfection was one of the DM's proudest boasts, even though few could stand the petulant, aggressive manboy ex DH, but the DM got over it. It all worked out in the end.

@LexMitior you are just incredible and thank you for elaborating. I hope reading that will help OP and others realise they can get through it and stay strong.

You can do it but you can't do it alone, friends, family, and real unity are needed to keep going - and don't be scared of them. In my case, abusive behaviour got worse.

Most men are not like this on divorce - my case was extreme.

I looked to the future and realised that this guy was going to keep coming at me until I made it really clear it was going to cost him to do it. Women do underestimate how nasty a man can be, well, I made it my business to let him know it was going to cost him.

Abusive men want to make you beg, well I didn't, I took it back. Psychologically, very important for my future and my child.