Am I the boiled frog?

[Tac83]

Have been a very long time lurker and inspired by recent threads to share my own story. Early 40s, three children, not married but live-in partner. Midlands based.

Should start by saying I think I’m quite hard work, quite anxious, ocd tendencies, liable to seek control in any situation. I’m also the classic ‘good girl’ straight As, Top uni, big job etc. Had quite high pressure parents who always expected highly.

Have been with my partner (not husband) around 10 years. He is a very involved father, definitely equal involvement etc. But… I think I’m going entirely mad and feel like I’ve lost all perspective. Also coming from background where parents still together 45+ years in.

Generally we rub along ok, but over the years have been a number of one-off incidents - really angry outbursts that feel out of control involving throwing things, lots of swearing (continues quite frequently to this day) , hurting me - bruises have been left from kicks and grabs and once a full potty (wee) thrown at me. I am aware that I have generally not been easy to live with, and understand that I obviously trigger something in him.

He has really made an effort in the last year or so to calm down, post some relationship counselling we had. The issue is I can’t seem to move on or forgive past behaviour. I wish I could as am desperate for my children to have their dad around. Please can I get some perspective from others, finding it very hard to think straight right now. Also worried in the background as to how he would react to me making a break. I just can’t figure out if this is a normal dynamic or if we have a categoric problem. Thank you all.

Xx

AIBU- yes - this sounds pretty standard.
AINBU- no, this is ridiculous, you’ve lost perspective. Leave him

I'm really sorry to tell you that you are in an abusive relationship. It is not your fault it is in fact his choice. Now you may think if I just tried harder it would be ok. I just need to be perfect. No you don't. This is a horrible way to live. It leads to anxiety and foggy thinking. Please contact women's aid and get help to leave safely. Don't underestimate just how dangerous leaving can be. Be very careful. Life on the other side of this is much brighter although it's a bit bumpy at first. You sound really strong, you've got this xx

None of this is your fault. Even if you were annoying and difficult to live with, it doesn't warrant the abuse he is doling out.
You are worrying about what other people ( your parents?) will think if you leave, and whether they will be supportive. Any decent family members will step up to help if they can, and if they don't, then their opinion doesn't matter.
You need a plan. You have a good career, and you can claim CMS from him if he refuses to support his own children voluntarily. You might have to tighten your belt for a bit, but it sounds as if you do have the wherewithal to support yourself and your children. Do the maths, speak to your family ( if you can trust them not to tell him that you are thinking of leaving) it's not an unknown abyss, you can find out information to work out where you will stand financially.
Being able to formulate a realistic plan will help you tremendously. Get some legal advice. Start making savings now. For example, if you are shopping from a joint account, take out a cash back every time which won't show on the bank statements.Work out how you can leave( or get him to leave). Will you need people around for back-up?

You know deep down that he is an abuser, and you don't need the permission of him or anyone else to end the relationship. You don't have to justify it, or convince anyone or prove anything.

I don't think this is acceptable. I would also describe myself as hard work and very similar personality to you. However I've never been bruised or had urine thrown at me by my husband and apart from some bickering now and again, usually when we have very different ideas about how to accomplish something, we very rarely argue and even less often raise voices or swear at each other.

Hi OP telling your family/friends is a great first move, I hope they listen and are supportive. You could always show them this thread if it's too hard to talk about? Is there somewhere you can safely talk to Womens Aid and/or access their website where he won't find out, there is a wealth of advice and information on there for these sorts of questions. Keep evidence of any abusive messages/injuries, and look at getting together essential paperwork/documents for you and the kids and your house/finances in a safe place. Other good advice is hide a car key in an easily accessible place/possibly get a hidden pay as you go phone that he can't find and use it to access help and support/give family and friends a codeword that means you and the kids are in immediate risk, so you can alert someone safely if things start escalate for any reason. Consider informing the police so the abuse is on record, and find out about non molestation orders to prevent him from contacting you www.ncdv.org.uk/non-molestation-order/
You can do this

Cross posted.
Is the house in joint names, and if so was there a Deed of Trust stating the shares made ? If you buy him out, how will you finance that?
You need proper legal advice, but you need to be sure of your facts in order to get the best advice for your specific circumstances. So go armed with as much financial info as you can, including approximate value of the house and outstanding mortgage, and of your own mortgage capacity- can you afford to buy him out? Would selling be a better option?
As for custody, that is usually a matter of negotiation- is that something you think you can agree ? What would your starting points be? No point assuming 50:50 if he only wants every other weekend, for example.

Also, if you do at any point decide to leave (or ask him to go), try to do I when he is out, and make sure you have someone trusted present with you who can stay for a while. You are at most risk when you try to leave the relationship x

This was me.
I actually think my upbringing, high expectations, doing the right thing, being a people pleaser lead me to the man who victimised me, as surely as it lead to my education or my career. Though my parents would hate to think that. It certainly contributed.

I left my abusive ex. It took me years to undo the damage and realise I wasn't a difficult person who drives people crazy! I am just a normal woman who had an abusive husband.

Please do yourself and your children a life-changing favour. Leave this man.

I get the golden child thing. Telling my parents I was divorcing did not go over well. There wasn’t abuse, but my XH had a substance abuse problem.

It is your choice how much you disclose. I would at least give them an idea of what is going on because you may need their support.

Then use the golden child thing to your advantage. Remind them that they raised a smart, capable daughter and that you are using that same drive you have displayed in life to take charge of a bad situation and do the best thing for yourself and your children. Basically don’t give them a chance to say you are doing the wrong thing.

Did you take any pictures of the bruises he gave you at the time or did you tell anyone else that can verify you? Even if not I’d still consider reporting it to the police, having a record of the abuse may prove useful on the event of a custody dispute and it may also help you to feel listened to.

If you have joint bank accounts start thinking about moving money to a new account in your name only so that you have access to funds should he try to empty an account.

Even if you don’t plan on leaving the home, have a bag packed in case you need to leave in an emergency. Put in it a change of clothes for you and the kids, a spare charging cable for your phone and any important paperwork (take copies if necessary) like mortgage details, passports, etc.

He's hurt you hard enough to leave bruises and thrown piss over you and you're scared of his reaction to you wanting time out, definitely abusive, definitely time to go 💐💐 I'm going to be kind and assume the 2% of fuckwits who answered YABU clicked the wrong button in error xxx

Also stop blaming yourself for his actions. So what if you are high maintenance (which I doubt is true anyway) he has a choice how he deals with that and he chose very badly xxx

OP,

Womens aid will give you lots of practical advice.

This is what they do, help women get out of abusive relationships.

Going to the police is the best advice, reporting his many assaults on you.

This is the best thing for you and your children.

He is not a good man.

Throwing urine on you is just so shocking and humiliating.

Please be honest with your parents.

If they are anything other than hugely supportive, it will be part of the reason you ended up here.

Imagine your children in this situation, how would you react?

Anything other than 100% support is additional abuse IMO.

Please tell the police/Womens aid, how fearful you are.

Keep posting.

I would get legal advice for buying out the house.
It is depend on how it was bought and what your current finances are.
It may be better to sell and buy another house.

The most common custody is EOW with the possibility a week night for the non resident parent but your DP may want 50/50.

Organizing childcare will be a pain to set up but as high earner I would definitely look at a nanny to support you.

If you can achieve so much financially and academically you are going to be able to sort this out as well.

I think you have lost perspective TBH. He sounds like he is telling you are "hard work" difficult to live with and so on. Bruising and kicks ,throwing things and swearing .All not normal! Please leave this man.Your DC will be aware of this sadly

Another vote for leave. He regularly assaults you. Please leave.

Tac83 Please dont think your parents want you to stay with this man! I am sure that as things come out about your treatment ,then they will understand and support you . Even if they dont its not them getting hit. They have raised a clever girl and capable Mum.You are well educated and have a good job . When you were born ,I doubt they looked at their precious baby and envisaged this sort of future for her. Think about 5 or 10 years away ,and DC futures ,do you want them to have this sort of RL when they are older?

When I divorced, my parents said I'd ruined their life. It took them only a few months to get past this. We have a better relationship now than before.

Yes you are the boiled frog definitely! Everyone is hard live with sometimes! Your partner sounds like a fucking nightmare of the highest order. Life is too short to share it with someone like him.

I suggest you get a recommendation for a good solicitor locally. Discuss your situation which sounds too complex for online. A good lawyer will save you money and stress. It will become essential to be armed with Knowledge. Take your time. This doesn't have to happen overnight. Take a while to establish what's possible and what would be best for you.

Is your partner self employed? If so don't expect any child maintenance.

Yes. What happens is a few incidents that you think are a bit off, and they will have groomed you into thinking you're the one to blame.

The potty throwing was assault. It won't get better. He needs to leave.

hurting me - bruises have been left from kicks and grabs and once a full potty (wee) thrown at me.

Leave.

I am so relieved you decided to take steps towards leaving this abusive man. I could not get out of my mind all day. I have been in a situation like yours and it never improves. And when your kids get older they will really start to notice his bullying, aggressive behaviour. Be strong, you can do this, and definitely seek legal advice, and maybe contact Women's Aid.

No this isn't normal. Arguments are normal. Maybe storming out, or a bit of shouting followed by an apology, or silent treatment for a few hours. None of those are ideal but they are normal.

What you are describing is not normal. The potty is grim. No wonder you're worried. It's abuse.

You say his behaviour has changed. Has he accepted he's been abusive? The only way to get past this is if in counselling he fully admits abuse and is able to accept that. How can you move on otherwise even if he has changed? My guess is that he doesn't see it so plainly and would never admit it. In which case you really have no choice but to leave.

You seem to be taking the blame for his behaviour towards him and your own family don't sound as if they would be supportive of you which may be the reason you are not recognising the abusiveness of this situation. If you do leave, are you able to get some counselling to explore what has led you to this and to stop it happening again?

Adding to the excellent advice already given, anxiety/OCD tendencies/need for control often come from being abused. They are not the cause of the abuse. Abusers are the cause of abuse.

He threw a potty of urine on you and you are still with him?!!

I feel so sad for you that your boundaries have been so eroded that you feel like this is within the realm of normal

OP please try and read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft (you can find the PDF online if it wouldn't be safe to have the book) and see if you recognise your relationship. Wishing you all the best, you do not deserve to be treated like this!