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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I the boiled frog?

133 replies

Tac83 · 28/10/2021 22:02

Have been a very long time lurker and inspired by recent threads to share my own story. Early 40s, three children, not married but live-in partner. Midlands based.

Should start by saying I think I’m quite hard work, quite anxious, ocd tendencies, liable to seek control in any situation. I’m also the classic ‘good girl’ straight As, Top uni, big job etc. Had quite high pressure parents who always expected highly.

Have been with my partner (not husband) around 10 years. He is a very involved father, definitely equal involvement etc. But… I think I’m going entirely mad and feel like I’ve lost all perspective. Also coming from background where parents still together 45+ years in.

Generally we rub along ok, but over the years have been a number of one-off incidents - really angry outbursts that feel out of control involving throwing things, lots of swearing (continues quite frequently to this day) , hurting me - bruises have been left from kicks and grabs and once a full potty (wee) thrown at me. I am aware that I have generally not been easy to live with, and understand that I obviously trigger something in him.

He has really made an effort in the last year or so to calm down, post some relationship counselling we had. The issue is I can’t seem to move on or forgive past behaviour. I wish I could as am desperate for my children to have their dad around. Please can I get some perspective from others, finding it very hard to think straight right now. Also worried in the background as to how he would react to me making a break. I just can’t figure out if this is a normal dynamic or if we have a categoric problem. Thank you all.

AIBU- yes - this sounds pretty standard.
AINBU- no, this is ridiculous, you’ve lost perspective. Leave him

OP posts:

FirewomanSam · 28/10/2021 22:24

Oh OP my heart broke as soon as I read your first few sentences and I barely had to read any further to be able to answer your question. You sound very very much like me, and I used to describe myself exactly the same way. My ex had me convinced I was annoying, hard work, high maintenance, all of it. To the point that about six months after we broke up, I was chatting with my new flat mate of a few months and I said completely casually and absolutely seriously ‘yeah I’m just a really annoying person I know’ and she went ‘hang on, what?!’ That was probably the first time I ever questioned it. I had internalised it as such an incontrovertible fact that it didn’t even occur to me it was a weird thing to say.

I am quite sure you are nowhere near as annoying or hard work as you think you are. I have a wonderful husband now and we get along with such ease and he would never ever say I was difficult or hard work to live with, despite how my ex made me feel. It was all him, not me.

I did read the rest of your post though, and you must, must know that even if you were the most annoying irritating partner in the world, NOTHING would ever ever justify your partner bruising you and throwing things at you. That is never ever ever OK and I honestly have tears in my eyes thinking about you feeling like you somehow deserve this treatment because of who you are. Your self-esteem is at rock bottom and you don’t even realise it. Please please get some help, talk to some friends and family, and find a way to get out of this situation.

Throckmorton · 28/10/2021 22:24

He is abusing you, and therefore your children. Please leave him

DifficultBloodyWoman · 28/10/2021 22:25

121 votes

100% agreement

There is your answer, OP.

minou123 · 28/10/2021 22:26

Also just wanted to mention this bit.

I think we all have these tendencies.

anxious yep, especially doing something new
old tendencies, god forbid anyone move my ornaments to the wrong place

-seek control, this is my life story.

I think a lot of people relate to this.
This does not make you "hard work". I'm certainly not hard work
And I bet if you ask anyone, other than you're idiot partner, they'll tell you that you are not hard work.

Newmumatlast · 28/10/2021 22:30

@AnneLovesGilbert

but over the years have been a number of one-off incidents - really angry outbursts that feel out of control involving throwing things, lots of swearing (continues quite frequently to this day) , hurting me - bruises have been left from kicks and grabs and once a full potty (wee) thrown at me

None of this is normal. None of this is okay. None of this is forgivable. This isn’t a list of “one-offs”, it’s a pattern of abuse.

You deserve so much better. I think you know that.

He’s violent, abusive and dangerous.

I agree.

You said I am aware that I have generally not been easy to live with, and understand that I obviously trigger something in him

No amount of behaviour can cause someone to behave in the way he has to you. Any decent man would just walk away. They wouldnt be bruising you and throwing wee at you. You deserve better

OverTheRubicon · 28/10/2021 22:31

In many ways, we have the same relationship - although your case is worse than mine, with violence to my possessions but not me. I blamed myself for so many years, blamed his traumatic upbringing, blamed covid.

Counselling made things just good enough to stay, which was even more confusing - especially when the counsellor asked me to put myself in his shoes and imagine how he was also feeling scared at his lack of control when he broke a door

Im sharing because I know that despite all this it's really hard to leave. You can still care for them between outbursts, you can be afraid of the future, and if you've always exceeded expectations it feels embarassing to admit to yourself and others about your bad choice, and how bad things got.

Don't rush to action. He's violent and it's not safe. Speak to a good counsellor on your own, and a good solicitor. Get together all the financial information you can - as an unmarried couple, you want evidence of how you have contributed to assets from the house to the car etc. Ensure that you are able to save quietly. Women's Aid can help you plan an exit.

sleepykits · 28/10/2021 22:32

Please listen, and leave this situation x

Sobeyondthehills · 28/10/2021 22:33

Hi Op

I think I’m quite hard work, quite anxious, ocd tendencies, liable to seek control in any situation.

It was this bit, that first got me, I am diagnoised with OCD and General anxiety disorder, been with my partner about the same amount of time you have with yours. He has never raised a hand to me, let alone left bruises.

I would wonder, how much of your anxiety is induced by always walking on eggshells and never knowing when the next outburst is going to happen.

Its not normal, what you are going through

Lalastepmum · 28/10/2021 22:35

My first two questions would be

Have you been injured in the last three months?

Are you frightened or walking on egg shells?

You are being abused.

Please call women’s aid www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

If you are in Northamptonshire call 03000120154 24hr line

Lalastepmum · 28/10/2021 22:36

There is no excuse for abuse.

Beautiful3 · 28/10/2021 22:44

He is abusing you. He threw a full potty full of urine at you?! My God, that's disgusting. I've been with my husband over 20 years, he never hurts me or throws things at me. If he did, I'd call it a day. My life's too precious to waste, being abused. You ll be so much happier alone.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 28/10/2021 22:50

I think in your heart of hearts you know the answer to this, OP, which is yes, you are the boiled frog.

Your personality is irrelevant, your husband has been abusive to you and continues to be by his aggression and swearing even if the bruises have stopped (for now).

I would prioritise staying safe, don't let him find this thread and if you can talk with either Women's Aid and/or some real life friends if you have some in supporting you moving forward and getting out of this situation. As I say, be careful though as this can be a dangerous time if he senses things have changed.

Hugs to you that you think it is your personality that has caused this- it is not, he is completely wrong, and you could have any personality you liked and still not justify receiving bruises, aggression and having things thrown at you.

PigeonLittle · 28/10/2021 22:52

I really like Brene Brown and she has a great book calles The Power of Vulnerability.

In it she talks about safety, abuse, security. Your trust has been broken down fundamentally. You can never feel secure with him.

It's time to free yourself.

TheFoundations · 28/10/2021 22:52

What you're saying is that you are desperate for your children to have their violent father around.

Greenhand · 28/10/2021 22:53

I actually thought I was reading about myself for a while.

I know I am highly strung, anxious and hard work. But since I have been separated, I think I'm less of those things. I think people who have met me for the first time recently wouldn't recognise the old me as the same person. (bar health anxiety)

This really resonated with me. And I still feel I little guilty like I failed myself, the children and him by leaving. But it wasn't right.

There is a different future for you. You do have to take courage in your hands but there is a more peaceful life out there. A life you deserve

Vispa · 28/10/2021 22:55

OP I'm so sorry but you are very clearly in a abusive relationship, which is also hurting your children (you cannot protect them from it, even if you think they are unaware, they most definitely will be affected). I know you had relationship counselling, but that is very strongly advised against for couples where domestic abuse is present. www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/

You need to find thd right help and support to leave safely, when you feel ready. The Freedom Programme might help you make sense of things. It's free. Take care x
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

ArabellaScott · 28/10/2021 22:55

I'm so very sorry, OP.

Just offering this: psychcentral.com/pro/why-couples-counseling-doesnt-work-in-abusive-relationships#1

Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse · 28/10/2021 23:00

When you had therapy together, did you discuss the times he bruised you or threw a potty full of wee at you?

No, sorry OP, it's not normal. I grew up in an abusive house. Get your kids out now, or it's years of torment and trauma for them to deal with as adults.
It's not as easy as just upping and leaving I know. But let this all sink in. And try to make a plan to leave. Xx

WonderfulYou · 28/10/2021 23:01

hurting me - bruises have been left from kicks and grabs and once a full potty (wee) thrown at me.

Sometimes it’s hard to realise someone is abusing you because they don’t physically hurt you but of course abuse isn’t always physical.
But this man has physically assaulted you!

It doesn’t matter how hard work you are. If you were that bad he would have left. He’s obviously not afraid of you.

diamondpony80 · 28/10/2021 23:03

Stop making excuses for him by thinking it’s you! It’s not you. He’s the problem, and you shouldn’t have to put up with behaviour like that.

GiveMeAFrigginBreak · 28/10/2021 23:06

He threw a potty full of wee over you. Would he have done that during an argument with a friend who happened to be visiting?

He's kicked you and grabbed you roughly enough to leave bruises. Would he do that if he was angry with someone at work?

These are not normal ups and downs in a relationship - this is a pattern of abuse.

And you can't seem to move on from it? That's because it's UN-FUCKING-FORGIVABLE.

Theartexhouse · 28/10/2021 23:11

I’m hard work but my dh doesn’t abuse me.

This isn’t standard behaviour, you deserve much better.

LolaSmiles · 28/10/2021 23:12

As others have said , this does not sound like a healthy relationship at all.

Lalastepmum · 28/10/2021 23:14

[quote Vispa]OP I'm so sorry but you are very clearly in a abusive relationship, which is also hurting your children (you cannot protect them from it, even if you think they are unaware, they most definitely will be affected). I know you had relationship counselling, but that is very strongly advised against for couples where domestic abuse is present. www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/

You need to find thd right help and support to leave safely, when you feel ready. The Freedom Programme might help you make sense of things. It's free. Take care x
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/[/quote]
I am a freedom programme facilitator please inbox me.
Not only is he being physically abusive he is degrading you.

WonderfulYou · 28/10/2021 23:19

He threw a potty full of wee over you. Would he have done that during an argument with a friend who happened to be visiting?

I always think this.

These ‘men’ who apparently can’t control their temper around their female partners never seem to lose their temper with their mates.

It’s the same with all bullies.
They only go after the ones that they know won’t stick up for themselves.

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