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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I the boiled frog?

133 replies

Tac83 · 28/10/2021 22:02

Have been a very long time lurker and inspired by recent threads to share my own story. Early 40s, three children, not married but live-in partner. Midlands based.

Should start by saying I think I’m quite hard work, quite anxious, ocd tendencies, liable to seek control in any situation. I’m also the classic ‘good girl’ straight As, Top uni, big job etc. Had quite high pressure parents who always expected highly.

Have been with my partner (not husband) around 10 years. He is a very involved father, definitely equal involvement etc. But… I think I’m going entirely mad and feel like I’ve lost all perspective. Also coming from background where parents still together 45+ years in.

Generally we rub along ok, but over the years have been a number of one-off incidents - really angry outbursts that feel out of control involving throwing things, lots of swearing (continues quite frequently to this day) , hurting me - bruises have been left from kicks and grabs and once a full potty (wee) thrown at me. I am aware that I have generally not been easy to live with, and understand that I obviously trigger something in him.

He has really made an effort in the last year or so to calm down, post some relationship counselling we had. The issue is I can’t seem to move on or forgive past behaviour. I wish I could as am desperate for my children to have their dad around. Please can I get some perspective from others, finding it very hard to think straight right now. Also worried in the background as to how he would react to me making a break. I just can’t figure out if this is a normal dynamic or if we have a categoric problem. Thank you all.

Xx

AIBU- yes - this sounds pretty standard.
AINBU- no, this is ridiculous, you’ve lost perspective. Leave him

OP posts:
Greygreenblue · 28/10/2021 23:19

Who are the 2% saying yabu? Did they accidentally get the wrong button? Is OP’s partner on here? Or is it another woman whose partner/husband has convinced them it’s all their fault and this is normal?

OP he’s gotten in your head and convinced you you somehow deserve this. No one deserves this. Being left with bruises and covered in urine is not normal under any circumstance.

You are right to be scared of his reaction if you try to leave. That is the most dangerous time, he is likely to escalate. You need to plan your exit very carefully. But you don’t have to do it alone, seek help from your local domestic violence (that’s what this is) support services

MojoJojo71 · 28/10/2021 23:29

You are not to blame here. You do not ‘trigger’ this, you do not deserve this. Your children do not need their father around so they can witness his abuse of their mother. If not for yourself, leave him for this.

I remember being you, I’m glad every day that I left him.

All the best Flowers

Marvellousmadness · 28/10/2021 23:31

You went to a top uni. You know what is sensible and what is an intelligent decision is.
Get the hell away from this man!!!!!!

AllyBama · 28/10/2021 23:35

Christ almighty OP. That was hard to read.

This is appalling abuse.

You know your anxiety probably stems from this abuse?

You know your children are probably aware of this abuse to some degree? Even if you think you’re shielding them.

You know it would be much better for them to see their mum happy on her own, rather than miserable together? And they will learn from you that this sort of behaviour is unacceptable in their own adult lives?

You know all this deep down because you’ve said it yourself, you can’t shake the feeling.

Tell him to leave. He’s not a good man.

viques · 28/10/2021 23:39

Two questions.

Who tells you you are hard work?

Why do you want your children to see you being abused by their father, what do you think this is adding to their lives?

viques · 28/10/2021 23:40

Sorry, that was three questions pretending to be two, a bit like an abusive person can pretend to be a loving partner and parent.

Thedogscollar · 28/10/2021 23:50

Get out OP before the pot boils over.
You owe yourself and your children an abuse free life.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 28/10/2021 23:52

I’m sorry but as others have said his behaviour sounds abusive. ‘Grabs’ and ‘kicks’ are definitely not standard within a relationship, neither is throwing things at or near you.

I hope you’re able to find the strength to leave.

thegcatsmother · 28/10/2021 23:58

I've been with dh for 36 years now. In all that time he has never, ever, raised a hand to me in anger, grabbed me, kicked me, or thrown anything at me.

verymiddleaged · 28/10/2021 23:59

He is physically abusive, if he bruises a dc social services will become involved.

He is verbally abusive as well.

This is no environment for you to live in and no environment for your dc to be brought up in. This is their blueprint for what a relationship should be.

For the sake of you and your dc you need to leave.

whynotwhatknot · 29/10/2021 00:02

First of all no its not normal

did your counsellor know about the abuse-never get counseling with an abuser it doesnt work

Vispa · 29/10/2021 00:04

I hope you are OK OP, this must be hard to read and take in Flowers

Lilyargin · 29/10/2021 00:09

Please don’t put up with this any longer, OP.
Bruises? Kicks? Grabbing? Urine thrown at you?
No.
You are worth more than this.
You’re hard work? Abuser’s narrative.
The fact that you’re finding it hard to think straight shows this is abusive.
Please leave and live your best life. You only get one.
Good luck, OP

GroggyLegs · 29/10/2021 00:16

@CeramicMary

Do you realise that ‘a number of one-off incidents’ is a complete contradiction?
Extremely good point. The 'one off' narrative you're telling yourself is false OP.

He's abusive. Full stop Flowers

Kiduknot · 29/10/2021 00:18

Is he ok and nice to you as long as you toe the line?

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 29/10/2021 00:42

What you’ve described is violent abuse. You should not - must not - forgive it. Taking your children away from this man is protecting them, not doing them harm.

This, 100%. Protect yourself and your children. Regardless of whether he actually hits or terrorises them (yet), he is a terrible role model and is causing them psychological harm.

CharityDingle · 29/10/2021 00:44

No, no no! I'm blue in the face repeating this, but here goes, joint counselling is NEVER recommended where there is abuse. It hands the abuser more ammunition to use.

Please get out, OP. None of his behaviour is even vaguely acceptable or normal. And please stop blaming yourself.

fibrecruncher · 29/10/2021 01:07

Hi Op. So sorry to read this, no, none of this is normal. You should not feel bad that you can't move on. Xx

Sleepyhungryfattyanddoc · 29/10/2021 01:23

I am truly devastated that you feel having piss thrown on you could be a standard thing you should accept in any relationship

And somehow have been made to believe that you are the problem for not being able to move past that.

I’ve Been with DP for many many years, no bruises, no throwing things, no kicking or grabbing
I am not afraid of him.

‘A number of one offs’ is an oxymoron.

But even just once would be too much.

Get out. Get safe.

Flowers
OnyxOryx · 29/10/2021 01:40

I am aware that I have generally not been easy to live with, and understand that I obviously trigger something in him.

The worst thing you should trigger in him is the need to leave the room, or even the relationship. There is no excuse for his abuse. You didn't cause it and it's not your fault. Also although you say he's calmed down, it's worth noting that physical abusers who stop that form of abuse will sometimes just have swapped it for emotional abuse. Abuse is abuse, end of. If it has genuinely stopped completely and you want to forgive then further counselling for you alone may help. If abuse is ongoing, as is likely, the best thing for you is to break up.

OnyxOryx · 29/10/2021 01:42

Please note I said if you want to forgive. Even if abuse has stopped, you're under no obligation to forgive him.

EmeraldShamrock · 29/10/2021 01:45

If you can't see clearly yourself imagine a loved one in the situation, it's very sad.

OnyxOryx · 29/10/2021 01:50

@Marvellousmadness

You went to a top uni. You know what is sensible and what is an intelligent decision is. Get the hell away from this man!!!!!!
Don't feel bad about this OP. Domestic abuse happens to clever people and strong people just as much as to people with low intelligence or "weak" people. There isn't a type of person DA happens to. It can happen to anyone. There's no more reason you should have seen it coming than anyone else it happened to should have.
Yummiliscious · 29/10/2021 01:58

I understand where you are coming from. Having brought up to always over achieve and strive for perfection, this situation can make you feel like you have “failed”. Well you have not failed! Your husband has failed in being decent human being. He is a failed husband and father. Your parents would be horrified to hear what he is doing to you but he is the one doing it and not you.

Coyoacan · 29/10/2021 03:08

I live with my adult daughter and she can be very hard work but, oddly enough, I never get violent with her or throw things at her.

You cannot let your children witness this stuff. It is terrifying for an adult to witness stuff like that, how much more frightening it must be for a child.