Am I the boiled frog?

[Tac83]

Have been a very long time lurker and inspired by recent threads to share my own story. Early 40s, three children, not married but live-in partner. Midlands based.

Should start by saying I think I’m quite hard work, quite anxious, ocd tendencies, liable to seek control in any situation. I’m also the classic ‘good girl’ straight As, Top uni, big job etc. Had quite high pressure parents who always expected highly.

Have been with my partner (not husband) around 10 years. He is a very involved father, definitely equal involvement etc. But… I think I’m going entirely mad and feel like I’ve lost all perspective. Also coming from background where parents still together 45+ years in.

Generally we rub along ok, but over the years have been a number of one-off incidents - really angry outbursts that feel out of control involving throwing things, lots of swearing (continues quite frequently to this day) , hurting me - bruises have been left from kicks and grabs and once a full potty (wee) thrown at me. I am aware that I have generally not been easy to live with, and understand that I obviously trigger something in him.

He has really made an effort in the last year or so to calm down, post some relationship counselling we had. The issue is I can’t seem to move on or forgive past behaviour. I wish I could as am desperate for my children to have their dad around. Please can I get some perspective from others, finding it very hard to think straight right now. Also worried in the background as to how he would react to me making a break. I just can’t figure out if this is a normal dynamic or if we have a categoric problem. Thank you all.

Xx

AIBU- yes - this sounds pretty standard.
AINBU- no, this is ridiculous, you’ve lost perspective. Leave him

That is abuse. There is no nuance. It is 100% abuse.

Your children are witnessing you being abused. Even if you think they don’t know, they know.

You’re in an abusive relationship
Hope you’re reading all these posts telling you this and you’ll act on it

Do you parents throw things at each other and bruise each other?

Have you talked to them, or friends in real life, about the way your husband behaves?

If you're so unbearable that he can't cope with living with you, he can leave. There are many other ways he could react to or remove himself from situations that annoy him. He chooses to stay in the room and hurt you. He does that because he does that. It has nothing to do with you.

Poor kids being stuck in the middle of that.

You live in an abusive household and you think you have controlling tendencies?

I'd almost beg your need for external control over some things is because you cannot control the abuse. It's perfectly normal.

You need to leave. For the sake of your children as well as you.

You say he has been for councilling. And nothing has happened since. You are obviously still carrying that fear and concern and walking on egg shells in case you anger him. This isn't healthy
However..... If he's great in every other way and he's definitely worked on his issues. And you are working on your issues there is some basis of a relationship

Continue with relationship councillor

See how it goes

We all row but violence and kicking you is not acceptable. As for the other incident that is vile.
He can still be a dad just with you not in the picture to abuse.

Hurting and bruising - not normal, and equals domestic abuse.

First off, any decent relationship counsellor would not attempt to 'counsel' (reconcile) a couple where there is physical and mental abuse. You need your own counsellor.

OP I completely get being the high-achieving 'golden child' of the family. You become complicit in your own abuse because you cannot 'fail'. Leaving your marriage is tied up with feelings of shame and of disappointing everyone.

I finally left my husband 4 years ago. And you know what? My parents had been married 46 years when I left and had no idea of any of our problems because (like the good girl I was) I projected an image that all was well. And you know what? My family dealt with it and supported me. I'm sure they were shocked but that passed and ultimately my happiness and mental well-being are more important to them than any pre-conceived ideas of a 'perfect' happy-ever-after marriage. I'm now so happy - I'm more me than I ever was in my marriage and my children are thriving.

You say you are high achieving, need control etc. These are great qualities! You absolutely have the mental, emotional and (I'm guessing) financial resources to go it alone and create a new life for yourself. Exiting an unhappy (abusive) relationship and living a happy life is a huge marker of strength and success and a wonderful example to set your children. You can leave and you can make it work wonderfully x

OP, please come back when you can. I am sure you must be finding all these replies really overwhelming. You might even be feeling guilty and thinking you’ve misrepresented your partner in some way because he isn’t as bad as people here are thinking. Or you’re looking at those very few YABU votes and thinking ‘well some people do think I’m being unreasonable, so they must be right’.

You don’t owe us anything and you don’t have to do anything but please don’t feel like you can’t talk to us here unless you plan on leaving immediately. There are lots of people here who can support you and help you work through whatever you’re thinking right now.

I really hope you’re ok.

Been with dh for 20years. He has never once raised a hand to me or thrown anything at me. It's not acceptable or forgivable behavior.

It’s abuse.

Leave.

If you are hard work then so am I! I am a bit of a control freak, need a clear plan for future events, struggle with spontaneous activities, I’m routine driven and untidy. I have ASD and often miss the joke, I find it hard sometimes to empathise with my partner. Overall I’m probably not easy. But I am loving and lovable. He treats me with kind respect. That is the minimum YOU should expect … kindness and respect. Your partner is showing neither so it’s not you it is absolutely him.

Thank you all so much for the advice, support etc and taking the time in a lot of cases to really think about your response

It is all a bit overwhelming and the golden child syndrome is definitely causing me to doubt myself- worries about how families would react etc, scared of not having any support.

My children are still young (under 7) and the other factor which worries me is being able to keep my career going to financially support us all, without partner support. I’m lucky in that I have an established career and am a high earner, but it still feels like an unknown step into the abyss!

Thank you again all so much xxx

If you are such “hard work” he can leave you, you’re not holding him there a gun point. It’s so sad that you have to ask if throwing piss at you is normal. Of course it’s not. It’s physical abuse. You are in an abusive relationship.

LTB

It's a lot to consider, for sure, OP. It may help to speak to Woman's Aid and/or people who can help you with the practical side of things.

but over the years have been a number of one-off incidents - really angry outbursts that feel out of control involving throwing things, lots of swearing (continues quite frequently to this day) , hurting me - bruises have been left from kicks and grabs and once a full potty (wee) thrown at me

This is not ok. This is NOT normal

I am quite 'hard work' as you put it! But my DH (married 10 years, together 15) has NEVER thrown anything at me or hurt me in any way. I don't even think he's ever sworn at me.

Hurting someone, grabbing someone, leaving bruises, throwing wee, swearing at you, are not ok.

You are an abused woman and a victim of serious domestic violence.

Ringing Women's aid would be an excellent idea.

He is not a good man or father.

He is highly abusive and this is not a good environment for your children.

You will be safer and happier with him out of the house.

Reach out for support.

This is not normal in any way.

This is domestic violence.

Keep posting.

Domestic Violence is NEVER acceptable.
He is leaving bruises on you. The Partner that should protect you and your family is kicking you. There is no excuse for that.

Good luck to you and your kids, I hope you can find your way out of this

Thank goodness you are not married to him.

He can make no claim on your high earnings should you decide to split up.

Out of interest what did he say after the potty incident?

Having the odd argument - normal - throwing things at you including wee and bruising you definitely not normal and LTB.

He sounds like a horrible man to live with.

@Tac83

I haven't read the whole thread so I may repeat what others have said.

Your description of yourself sounds so like me. The difference is that my DH has never made me feel like I'm hard work. He knows I have very high anxiety levels and does what he can to support me. He'd never experienced what I felt before but was still able to help me as he loves me and knew that even if it makes his life harder sometimes, I really can't cope well in a messy house or not having a plan for a day out. He makes those allowances. He's never made me feel like I'm hard work.

Think about what you would say to your daughter if you knew her partner made her feel like this? Then see how it's really not OK.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you can find real life support.

OP please be very careful as abusers escalate if they sense they losing control or that you are thinking about leaving. Take steps to change your passwords/delete your online history and talk to Womens Aid about how to navigate your situation as safely as possible. Many abusers put tracking apps/devices on their partners mobile/car etc. There is some really good advice here.
www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/I-am-still-living-with-my-abuser

Thanks again all. The advice re being careful if thinking of leaving resonates as I feel hugely anxious at the thought of actually pushing forward with a decision on this. He knows I’m unhappy, it’s been years, not months and I’ve talked about us splitting a lot. I think he’ll be shocked if I was actually pushing for it though and taking actions etc.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and has any practical advice that might help? I.e. how easy is it to buy someone out of a house? What is a likely child custody arrangement? Do I need to get legal assistance/advice despite us not being married? Can I ask him to leave right away, what if he refuses?

Next steps is I think to talk to my mum/close friends in real life and try and get some support around me. I still worry my parents would rather we stayed together… they certainly don’t know the full picture though.

Thanks for all your help x