Trigger warning - my child was sexually abused

Ncforthistoday · 28/10/2021 21:27

I rang the police and reported the abuser. The police said that was the right thing to do.. That dc knew they had been believed and that appropriate action had been made... They have never seen the abuser again
Dc .made a statement and went to court.. The abuser pleaded guilty..
The abuser was a close family member and our family was blown apart.. The only one that mattered was dc.. Police was the only action I felt...

3scape · 28/10/2021 21:29

What does your DD want to happen? At some future point won't she want to know that you did for her? I don't think avoiding prosecution will protect her in the long term.

Aimee1987 · 28/10/2021 21:32

I'm so sorry this happened. Your piir daughter. I agree with the others. I think the police are needed here

VivienScott · 28/10/2021 21:32

I’ve not been in your position so can’t imagine what you’re going through But if you want to protect others from what he’s done, the only way is to push for a prosecution. Imagine how you’d feel finding out they had done it again because they are allowed to go free. Alternatively, imagine how you’d feel if you found out he’d done it before and the previous victim did t push for prosecution allowing him to abuse your daughter.

Aimee1987 · 28/10/2021 21:33

Even if he isnt convicted a note will go on his file meaning he will be flagged if he he ever applies for a job or position working with vulnerable

User527294627 · 28/10/2021 21:34

The only thing you can do is report it. It’s your only safe, legal recourse.

Still1nLove · 28/10/2021 21:35

As someone who was abused as a child, I would have wanted some justice, to know that my parent had pushed for a prosecution. It’s easy for me to say that now as an adult.
I would push for a prosecution. The police and associated agencies know how to protect a victim of abuse and protect their well-being. Their welfare is always taken into account in these situations.
Please push for justice for your child, it will protect others from this perpetrator.
And get counselling for your child

Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse · 28/10/2021 21:36

The only way other will be protected and justice can be served is if you call the police.
If you let school know, they will ring the police and social services.
Please, don't let this person walk the streets. Call the police. Or get in contact with social services or something. Anything to get the ball rolling.

Suspiciousmind20 · 28/10/2021 21:38

So sorry your DD has experienced this OP.

I think reporting, if you can, is the right thing to do. Your DD will see clearly that she is believed, important and that this isn’t ok and she doesn’t deserve it.

The perpetrator is young. Old enough to know better it sounds like, but still young enough to learn. He won’t if there are no consequences.

If you can bring yourself to do it then do report.

Look after yourself. Your DD may bounce back quite quickly with your belief, support and validation, but you might hold onto the trauma longer so don’t forget to look after self in all this too. Find a trusted friend or counsellor.

Ncforthistoday · 28/10/2021 21:38

My ndn's dd was abused by a local lad... Their solution was never to mention it and moved away.
Whole load of trouble brewed for her dd until years later... And I imagine that lad didn't stop....
Ime dealing with it now is a must.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/10/2021 21:38

Yes I think you’re best way forward is to report to the police and hopefully he’ll be prosecuted

It’s not as bad as you think being ABE interviewed - there’s a lot of knowledge now about putting children at ease etc

The other stuff you suggest is illegal

JesterMcFester · 28/10/2021 21:47

You can report it to the police for safeguarding; your daughter does not have to go through the interview stage at all.

I would warn you not to start telling people though as you may find yourself in trouble - particularly if you haven't reported it to police.

NumberTheory · 28/10/2021 21:47

If you aren't prepared to report there's probably little you can do to protect others. If some of the people he s around are close friends of yours who will trust your word you can tell them what happened (though you might want to consider how your DD will feel about this). I would caution that trying to pursue revenge is unlikely to be the path that gives you and your DD the best possible life. Forgiveness being at the heart of many philosophies isn't actually for the benefit of those who do wrong.

I don't blame you for not wanting to put her through a criminal investigation. The criminal justice system isn't fit for purpose when it comes to sex crimes and plenty of people find their interaction with it to be as bad or worse than the initial assault. But you might want to see if you can talk to some parents in your area who have been through it. Some places get it right.

I would concentrate on finding counseling for your DD and you. If you stick to your decision not to report, still save any evidence in case your DD decides she wants to pursue when she's older. It may help (it may not). Ultimately you can't know what the right answer is and you're likely to feel guilt whatever you choose. Try to be kind to yourself as well.

Wigglegiggle0520 · 28/10/2021 21:47

@Suspiciousmind20

So sorry your DD has experienced this OP.

I think reporting, if you can, is the right thing to do. Your DD will see clearly that she is believed, important and that this isn’t ok and she doesn’t deserve it.

The perpetrator is young. Old enough to know better it sounds like, but still young enough to learn. He won’t if there are no consequences.

If you can bring yourself to do it then do report.

Look after yourself. Your DD may bounce back quite quickly with your belief, support and validation, but you might hold onto the trauma longer so don’t forget to look after self in all this too. Find a trusted friend or counsellor.

This.

Reptar · 28/10/2021 21:50

In this scenario I am the daughter, and I'm going to be harsh; I think you are being unreasonable.

Go to the police. You aren't protecting her from anything by refusing to let them question her. If you harass her abuser, you will be the one in legal trouble. not him; and that won't help your child.
She may also need an STD check.

When she gets older she may need the validation of having made a statement and going through the legal process (and hopefully a prosecution). It isn't your decision to make.

I hope you rethink your decision.

godmum56 · 28/10/2021 21:51

until you formally report this, your "telling" is allegation and will not only get you nowhere but may get you into trouble. Honestly you do need to go to the police.

TotallySuper · 28/10/2021 21:53

@CanIMoveOn

How do you get over this? The abuse was a one off carried out by an older child (they knew exactly what they were doing, groomed my DD somewhat, tried to cover their tracks and are above the age of criminal responsibility). It’s pulled our family apart.

The only way I feel it can be better is by ruining his life too.
He won’t be prosecuted as I won’t put my DD through interviews etc.
How can I tell people in his street or at his school what he did and what a monster he is?
Would you want to know if this ‘child’ was sitting next to your daughter in class?

If you don't get this reported and dealt with and help your DD through the interviews etc it will ruin her life. It'll be like you helped cover it up and she will never deal with it or get any closure. I speak from experience of a close friend.

NumberTheory · 28/10/2021 21:53

@godmum56

until you formally report this, your "telling" is allegation and will not only get you nowhere but may get you into trouble. Honestly you do need to go to the police.

Unless a conviction is obtained, which is unlikely, OP is in the same position whether she reports or not.

Albertinier · 28/10/2021 21:59

I would report it to children's services. They can then act to protect others.

Porcupineintherough · 28/10/2021 22:08

I dont think telling all and sundry what happened to your dd will be good for her long term. Go tell the police.

GettingItOutThere · 28/10/2021 22:17

go to the police, speaking from experience this needs to happen.

As a child, we did not and this ruined my childhood and early adulthood.

NoDecentHandlesLeft · 28/10/2021 22:22

I think you have to report it, OP.
This other child may be a victim of abuse themselves, or they may not. But they need intervention. And your child also needs help to begin to process what happened.
I wish you both luck, ultimately it is your decision. I assume your child is quite young?

ImUninsultable · 28/10/2021 22:23

You dont want to put her through interview process with police, who are very well trained and handle this very well. It isnt like rape cases with women not being believed. The police who deal with abused children are very good at it. But you do want the whole world to know what happened to her?

So no police, with victim identity protection. But gossip all over town with her name being dragged about.

I find this very unusual.

Call the police. Stop messing around.

SickAndTiredAgain · 28/10/2021 22:24

I would call the police.

PotteringAlong · 28/10/2021 22:27

Don’t put ‘child’ in inverted commas - the age of criminal responsibility is 10 so I assume they’re above 10 but below 18.

The way to help that child, and your child, is to report them to the police.

Most children are not going to groom a child and sexually assault them without a background - maybe this child is being sexually assaulted too? You could be helping 2 children.

Call the police.