Trigger warning - my child was sexually abused

[CanIMoveOn]

How do you get over this? The abuse was a one off carried out by an older child (they knew exactly what they were doing, groomed my DD somewhat, tried to cover their tracks and are above the age of criminal responsibility).
It’s pulled our family apart.

The only way I feel it can be better is by ruining his life too.
He won’t be prosecuted as I won’t put my DD through interviews etc.
How can I tell people in his street or at his school what he did and what a monster he is?
Would you want to know if this ‘child’ was sitting next to your daughter in class?

@whodoyouthinkof I’m sorry this happened to you too and thank you for your perspective.

I only want to do what is best for my girl. I already feel I’ve failed her terribly. If she does want to take it further later, we will be able to but I need to give her some control of this situation now I feel.
Considering everything I’m not going to force them to do the interview. My son certainly would shut down and refuse to speak. My daughter would probably speak but do I really want her explaining details such as what it looked like, felt like and everything that was said?
There’s also no guarantee even with it that the case would go to court. (I have asked).
Without being totally outing, there’s a 4 year age difference between my infant school aged DD and the boy. He’s younger end of criminally responsible so it makes it harder I believe to prosecute.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and understanding.

If any good can come from this, please go over boundaries and respect and the pants rule with your children, especially before a family or friend sleepover.
We had done this, but I didn’t think another child would convince another even after they said no a few times. It was very manipulative and clever. I hadn’t imagined the persuasion and thought saying no was enough.
Role play saying ‘no’ despite persuasion and stories to convince them otherwise. Explain that some things are not ‘games’ despite how they are packaged. Games can quickly escalate and go too far.

There are some great books by Jayneen Saunders we were recommended.

I can’t imagine what you’re going through but I would have to report it. Yes it’s traumatic to put your DD through but would you want him to go on and abuse again? The only way it will stop is hopefully if he’s reported. You can’t legally do anything else (as much as I would want to if I were you!). Your DD May resent the fact it wasn’t reported when she’s older…

Not going ahead with the interviews may feel like the easiest (I know none of this is easy) path now, but long term it might not be the best thing for your dd.

I sat in on an abuse interview with my young teen niece (her mum wasn't allowed) and spent many hours with her in the weeks after. The specially trained police officers were really good at what they do and it had a cathartic effect for dn.

Please make the call. I honestly believe that anyone who knows about such things and keeps quiet is colluding with the offender. When this happens everyone becomes stained by the secret.
I am sorry if I sound harsh but you must build your daughters sense of self worth.

How old is your dd? She doesn't want to give an interview. We all get that. But. Not giving an interview might not be the best thing for her. None of us know what the best thing for her is.

You haven't told her that the case of stopped because she won't give an interview why have you not told her that? It might change his she feels.

Years later she might resent you for not informing her enough for her to make informed decisions.

You say about writing to his school, but the school will know. If a 10? 11 year old? Has been arrested for assault then social services will be involved and school will know.

This happened to me and was brushed under the carpet by my parents as I was groomed and they thought I was complicit.

I had counselling many years later as an adult which I found hugely helpful and wish somebody had arranged it for me at the time

I think they were keen for me to move on but it felt totally minimised as nobody ever mentioned it again

I honestly believe that anyone who knows about such things and keeps quiet is colluding with the offender.

This. Someone who does this has twisted thought processes and if it is not reported and acted on he may think she secretly likes him and prey on her again in the future.

Please report. To the posters who are saying she needs to think of the other child who may also be a victim, you are not helping. Her precious daughter has been abused by this child, why would she feel any compassion or need to help him? I imagine she loathes him and rightly so. Do it for your dd OP and nobody else xx

@Bobbiethemouse she has reported it. She says so in subsequent posts

Also, I was the poster who said she needed to think of the other child and you completely missed my point. I said she needed to report it to the police BECAUSE he might also have been a victim of sexual abuse (not uncommon. He’s a small child himself) and therefore reporting it would get him the help he also needed.

My DD told me a child in her class had assaulted her. Both very young at the time so well under the age of responsibility.
We immediately removed her from the school- the circumstances raised huge safeguarding issues- I had a meeting with the head and apparently the family were spoken to. I did say to the head I would go to social services if they didn't, and he told me they were already in contact with them and it would be passed on.
Had the child been older i would have had no hesitation in calling the police. As it was we felt there wasn't much more we could do, maybe we should have done more but at the time we panicked and were just thinking about protecting her.

I’m sorry thus has happened to your dd. From experience there were long term consequences of not reporting..this is 40 years later the victim felt she never got justice for what happened as it wasn’t reported, also suffered long term mental health issues along with the other victim. He was sent to prison for attacking 2 others a couple of years later. That may/may not have happened if he was reported earlier. I think if those girls and how they are now. Victim blames the parents for not going to the police years later which affected their relationship . She was so young it wasn’t in her control. It doesn’t just go away if you don’t report it. At the least please consider counselling for your dd. It’s so awful and sad when this happens 💐

You have done the right thing.

And this is why we don't allow sleepovers at all with anyone ever and I don't mind people saying we are over the top or neurotic.
Sorry this has happened to your family OP.

This is absolutely horrific, your poor daughter. I agree with others OP, I would go to the police. He can’t get away with this. You need justice for your daughter. I’m so sorry you’re going through this xx

@CanIMoveOn - I was drugged (soft drink) and SA by several family members and their friends when I was 14. It was violent and it was humiliating. The one saving grace is that this is prior to mobile phones, I guess… The doctors and the police wanted me to press charges, but because of my own hideously disfunctional family, I knew that my situation would have been all about my parents and how it made THEM feel (fantastic way for them to get attention) and I would have been punished and humiliated further in private, so I remained silent. (Nobody asked, despite the bruises, the silence and the surgery.) I was forced to socialize with these people, and then sing at their weddings. I felt enormous guilt knowing what had happened when they had daughters. I had a breakdown after my parent’s deaths, comparing how protective and loving I am with my kids and my own upbringing, and having flashbacks. I feel enormous guilt knowing these fuckers got off Scott free and may have done this to others. I am nearly 50 and I am angry because I am still affected and frightened.

What an awful, heartbreaking situation. Is she having counselling, OP? I wonder whether talking about it to an independent adult might help pave the way for her talking to the police? But, ultimately, if neither of your children want to dwell on it now, you have to respect that, as hard as it is. I'd be wanting to scream his name as an abuser from the rooftops too. Assuming you knew his parents, do you think that the shock of being arrested might make him genuinely contrite and he's now receiving help? At the very least, social services should be all over the family like a rash and his school will know what he did and don't be surprised if his peers have found out too. So there should still be consequences, even if they're not as severe as you'd like them to be.

I don’t think you or your DD will get closure unless you go to the police. It will be hard, but long term the best thing for everyone.

I think it is a hard decision and I think the investigation can be very traumatic. The OP has to do what is best for her child, she has informed the correct authorities which was the right thing to do.

How old is the boy OP?

@emeraldjones

I honestly believe that anyone who knows about such things and keeps quiet is colluding with the offender.

This. Someone who does this has twisted thought processes and if it is not reported and acted on he may think she secretly likes him and prey on her again in the future.

Sorry OP but I agree with this

My step GD is going through this, (molestation by boy in her class,) the parents did not want to make a massive fuss, or report to police.& minimized it.
The child has been massively let down & even now they are going to court. Here is a list of ramifications:
Child is self harming( cuts to arms & thighs)
Has tried to over dose
Has daily/nightly panic attacks
Now hates her parents
Obsessed with this molestation
Child went from top of class to almost redoubling the year
Parents didn't change school, She is now called a slut etc, bullied & alienated
The parental responsibility has now been given to the state
The parents have to have a solicitor to defend their position
14 year ils followed by social worker & psy.
She is a mess

A child being interviewed is completely different to an adult being interviewed, the officers are specially trained and will be led by your children, they will make them feel safe and comfortable and the interview will take place in a warm comfortable child friendly environment.

As other posters have said, your daughter is scared and embarrassed which is why she doesn't want to proceed, she doesn't see any further than that right now, sit down and have a chat with her about doing the interview, in the long term she will be pleased she did, particularly if this person is a family member, as she is likely to encounter him again in the future.

Unfortunately you cannot do anything about this unless he gets a criminal conviction, as he is effectively 'innocent' an arrest won't show up on any criminal record checks only convictions. I'm so sorry you and your daughter are going through this

It will still be hard for her, but she won't be interviewed in a room with 2 coppers as they are on the telly. Sadly this happens, and they have trained people who specialise in this to interview children. Legally he will be innocent unless this happens.