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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Trigger warning - my child was sexually abused

126 replies

CanIMoveOn · 28/10/2021 21:19

How do you get over this? The abuse was a one off carried out by an older child (they knew exactly what they were doing, groomed my DD somewhat, tried to cover their tracks and are above the age of criminal responsibility).
It’s pulled our family apart.

The only way I feel it can be better is by ruining his life too.
He won’t be prosecuted as I won’t put my DD through interviews etc.
How can I tell people in his street or at his school what he did and what a monster he is?
Would you want to know if this ‘child’ was sitting next to your daughter in class?

OP posts:
Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse · 28/10/2021 22:28

You can't publicly humiliate him without publicly humiliating your child too.

The only way is to do it behind closed doors with the police.

Don't humiliate her and drag her down anymore by telling all that will listen what he did to her. Thays cruel.

Do the right thing.

Get her therapy and for yourself. And tell the police.

MumYourBabyGrewUpToBeACowboy · 28/10/2021 22:30

Shield your daughter from the investigation as much as you can, but I was badly hurt in my neighbourhood as a child (not a sexual incident but a serious injury) and my mother lied to A&E about what had happened to protect the perpetrator out of misguided sympathy. This was the wrong choice because I continued to be deliberately menaced by the perpetrator for years with no evidence of the injury he had caused because it had been covered up at the hospital. It hurt me a lot, emotionally, to feel that my attacker was more important than me. And I was scared for my safety for years.

Whatinthelord · 28/10/2021 22:31

Ah sorry op. This must be a difficult time for your daughter nad everyone who loves her.

Has your daughter been offered any therapeutic support.

drpet49 · 28/10/2021 22:36

** The only way other will be protected and justice can be served is if you call the police.
If you let school know, they will ring the police and social services.
Please, don't let this person walk the streets. **

^This

Pbbananabagel · 28/10/2021 22:42

As an abused child, I can’t tell you the damage not going to the police can do. Give your daughter the chance to get justice now, if you delay this it only makes things harder.

Wimblingwombling · 28/10/2021 22:45

Sorry you’re going through this upsetting experience. I think it may Depend on the age of the boy and the age difference between him and you dd as to whether it may be better to bring up with social services or the police.

SRS29 · 28/10/2021 22:46

@3scape

What does your DD want to happen? At some future point won't she want to know that you did for her? I don't think avoiding prosecution will protect her in the long term.
Absolutely this
Gimmethegold · 28/10/2021 22:57

I understand not wanting to put your daughter through more trauma, but I think the police is absolutely the right thing to do. They have specially trained officers to deal with such sensitive issues and will guide her through everything gently.
The ‘child’ that did this is probably abused/has been abused too, so I think in this case you need to go official with this as, chances are, this won’t be a one off, and he’ll go on to do it again. Especially if he gets away with it this time

julieca · 28/10/2021 22:58

Don't tell everyone. Your DC sadly will grow up known as that kid who was abused. Your DC deserves privacy.
I would let SS know and the police know. Yes depending on the age of the child it might be nothing much happens.

julieca · 28/10/2021 22:59

And no not all children who sexually abuse have been abused themselves.

REDHERO · 28/10/2021 22:59

Reporting him and the abuse is the only way to:

Ensure justice is served.

He is stopped from abusing another young person.

Show your daughter that abuse should not be covered up. Years ago parents and people in authority used to cover up abuse and not report/charge and just carried on as usual. This was very wrong and not only caused further hurt and damage but meant the abuser could carry on abusing. The victims also felt unheard or not believed when parents did this. Don't be that parent and cover up.

julieca · 28/10/2021 23:01

@PotteringAlong I don't know if OP has put child in inverted commas because the child is 17 i.e. very nearly an adult.
There is a big difference OP between say an 8 year old doing this and a 17 year old. A 17 year old could go to prison.

MissAmbrosia · 28/10/2021 23:06

You report it and don't take matters into your own hands. You owe it to your dd and any potential future victims to follow this up in the proper way.

WonderfulYou · 28/10/2021 23:06

Your DD needs to know this was wrong and that he was punished for it.

The hardest thing about abuse is not only the abuse itself but the fact the abuser gets away with it/you feel like there’s nothing you can do.

It don’t be easy seeing your child having to re-live what happened but it’s important that she doesn’t grow up knowing it was just swept under the carpet.

You say you want to let people know he’s a monster, that means people will know what happened to your DD and she will be exposed to it again anyway.

As for him he needs to have a red flag put against his name so he hopefully won’t get a chance to do this again.

MissCruellaDeVil · 28/10/2021 23:08

You should report it OP, how old was the other child involved?

Anotheronestatisticssuck · 28/10/2021 23:12

Another daughter - My mum knew he'd done it to other cousins and didn't seem to be too worried about protecting me. Or too concerned about finding out what had happened or seeking justice. He's still invited to family events now

Nothing ever happened and now I feel sick at the fact he lives with four children that aren't his

FuckYouCorona · 28/10/2021 23:15

This happened to my sister. I still remember her coming into my room & telling me what had happened. It was almost 40 years ago now & I was 10. She was 2. Sad He was prosecuted & went to prison, but it still screwed up my sister & our entire family. It is vital you go to the police about this so other potential victims can be safe. How would you feel if somebody else was abused & you'd done nothing to stop it? You know its the right thing to do. Flowers

CherryBlossomAutumn · 28/10/2021 23:16

Call the police.

They can protect her and future others like her. You can’t protect her I’m afraid if you refuse this one protection for her and others like her. If you don’t you are massively letting her down.

MrsBobDylan · 28/10/2021 23:18

Not the same situation but my ds was physically assaulted by a taxi driver last year. He has a learning disability but I reported it to the Police as soon as he told me.

He spoke to the Police Officer who visited us at home and took details from me. He investigated it and we both agreed that ds wouldn't want to give evidence.

However, the taxi driver lost his job driving working with vulnerable children and was of the affect it had on my son and our family.

If I hadn't reported it, the guy would still be driving disabled children to and from school every day.

ElEmEnOhPee · 28/10/2021 23:20

YABU to not even discuss this with the police. You wouldn't have to follow through to seeking prosecution but you should at least discuss it and possibly make a statement. You may find yourself reassured by speaking with the police, or you may still wish to not have it investigated, either way you have nothing to lose by speaking with them.
Someone I know was abused as a child and made a statement years later but didn't want to go any further than that, it will be held on record and if any other allegations are made against the person the police will go back to that person to see if they wish to make a formal allegation.

Landlubber2019 · 28/10/2021 23:20

Please report this, I was attacked as an 8 year old by a 12 year old boy at a local park. Apart from being given a good hiding by his parents no action was taken. When we ended up together in the same school, I was terrified and he wore my fear like a badge of honour. I felt ashamed and he was a constant threat for over 10 years to me, until I stood up to him.

ChocolateDeficitDisorder · 28/10/2021 23:22

My daughter disclosed last year that she had been seriously sexually assaulted at school by a boy in her year. It had happened 5 years earlier and she had struggled with her mental health since then. She has since been diagnosed with Complex PTSD and is getting help.

I took DD to the Police and reported the assault immediately and she gave the names of several other girls who had been assaulted by the same boy, some of whom have given police reports and others who don't feel able. He's been charged with multiple assaults and is awaiting trial.

She wants him to be punished and so do we.

Muchasgracias · 28/10/2021 23:45

I think telling everyone what he did yourself will actually open up your daughter to much more harm. She will never escape the gossip and rumours about what happened to her, all the while wondering why there was no court case or repercussions for the criminal behaviour. If someone deliberately breaks her leg at school in the future, will you also spare the trauma of a police report and interviews then? Think about this, please. Are you avoiding facing this for her or for you? (Hard questions and I’m so so sorry you and your DD are going though this).

Slythermum · 28/10/2021 23:47

Mine was sexually threatened by a boy and I called the police. They were really helpful and nice to her. I know it's hard but this boy will continue doing it if you don't get the police involved.

Griselda1 · 28/10/2021 23:49

Your daughter, in years to come, will pick through every inch of this awful part of her life. You need to report it otherwise I'm not sure how you explain it to your child in years to come. You also need help yourself to come to terms with it.

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