Trigger warning - my child was sexually abused

[CanIMoveOn]

How do you get over this? The abuse was a one off carried out by an older child (they knew exactly what they were doing, groomed my DD somewhat, tried to cover their tracks and are above the age of criminal responsibility).
It’s pulled our family apart.

The only way I feel it can be better is by ruining his life too.
He won’t be prosecuted as I won’t put my DD through interviews etc.
How can I tell people in his street or at his school what he did and what a monster he is?
Would you want to know if this ‘child’ was sitting next to your daughter in class?

You sound like a great mum trying to do the right thing in very difficult circumstances.

I was abused and my mum believed me but I said I didn't want counselling etc as I would be ok and it was too embarrassing. I wish she had been the adult and got me the help I should have had and she had not listened to me. I was too young to know what the right thing to do was. Instead I have suffered for years and have had a bit of a breakdown now I'm older.

I'd look at the police interviews as therapy. Knowing you did the right thing and helped her deal with it now will strengthen her in the future. Please don't let her suffer for years ahead by trying to spare her pain now. It will be very hard but might actually help her.

I am so sorry OP.

When I was a young teenager I was sexually assaulted at a sleepover by my friends stepdad (he was 40s).

I ran home crying and the first thing my mum did was call the police.

I did an interview at the station, it was difficult having to explain parts of his anotomy etc but it helped to have that evidence against him.

I didn't have to go to court as he pleaded guilty. He had to sign the sex offenders register but didn't go to prison.

However, it was revealed that he was drugging his stepdaughter with sleeping pills.

I'm really glad my mum reported it, who knows how long my friend would have been putting up with the abuse if nothing was said.

I'm not exactly sure, but wouldn't your DD give evidence via videolink if it went to court? Sorry if I'm wrong, just speaking on behalf of my own experiences (decades ago so may have changed now).

Extra hugs to you and your DD OP.

As someone else who this happened to as a child. Please do consider reporting. It’s not until your much older and unpicking you’re life so you realise
You blindly go along thinking ignoring it is the best way.
But it’s not. I look at my car crash life, I’m a walking cliche of abused as a child, abusive relationships, mental health problems.
It’s a door opener for her getting the help and support she needs and being able to draw a line. You can’t make it go away, it’s happened, it has to be dealt with and these people are trained to support you and her.

As for telling people but not reporting. Please don’t. I’m going to use a strange example, Just look at how Katie price is treated. “Naa her child hood abuse didn’t happen if they didn’t report it”
“Naaaa her rape didn’t happen if she didn’t report it”. The woman’s a walking advert for what’s happened to her and the following issues that can follow, but people won’t believe it as she didn’t report it, it then gets used as a stick to beat her.

Lastly, I’m so very very sorry this has happened. I’m so paranoid about it for mine, but well aware it could still happen. You have to let children have some freedoms to grow. It’s not your fault.

Police.

1. Your child needs to know you did everything.
2. You need to protect other children.
3. She can gain access to adequate counselling

The police are needed. Otherwise other families will go through what you're going through thanks to this boy.

Are people missing that the OP has reported it, police have spoken to DD as far as I can see and the offender has been arrested. She hasn't swept this under the carpet.

For everyone who thinks prosecution will bring closure I think it is important to remember the CPS aren't sure about the outcome even if DD does get formally interviewed. I think going through the whole legal process and him not getting punished could be very damaging.

It isn't as straightforward as it might seem. OP it is difficult for you all and I hope your children are recovering.

Sorry I should have checked your responses first. Ignore my last post!

@LindaEllen

The police are needed. Otherwise other families will go through what you're going through thanks to this boy.

She's been to the police, the boy has been arrested. Not sure why people can't see this.

@EvilPea

As someone else who this happened to as a child. Please do consider reporting. It’s not until your much older and unpicking you’re life so you realise You blindly go along thinking ignoring it is the best way. But it’s not. I look at my car crash life, I’m a walking cliche of abused as a child, abusive relationships, mental health problems. It’s a door opener for her getting the help and support she needs and being able to draw a line. You can’t make it go away, it’s happened, it has to be dealt with and these people are trained to support you and her.

As for telling people but not reporting. Please don’t. I’m going to use a strange example, Just look at how Katie price is treated. “Naa her child hood abuse didn’t happen if they didn’t report it”
“Naaaa her rape didn’t happen if she didn’t report it”. The woman’s a walking advert for what’s happened to her and the following issues that can follow, but people won’t believe it as she didn’t report it, it then gets used as a stick to beat her.

Lastly, I’m so very very sorry this has happened. I’m so paranoid about it for mine, but well aware it could still happen. You have to let children have some freedoms to grow. It’s not your fault.

Good job the OP has reported it isn't it.

No advice OP. I just wanted to express my sorrow for what you and your family are going through x

The op has reported the situation to the police, this is when reading updates by the original op is very important. It is the DD that does not want to give an interview. The abuser has also confessed to four family members and it’s a child 4 years older at the lower age of criminal responsibility.

I have met quite a few of survivors of abuse through voluntary work and am myself a survivor of child sexual abuse.

These are the positives in the very distressing situation your family find itself in

She has had the confidence to tell you
You have reported to the police

As the abuser has already been sent to a cub camp I think the extended family are choosing not to take it seriously. This is one of the main problems when it comes to sex offenders. Family minimise it.

As well as doing what your doing which is listening and being there for both your dc there is one other thing you can do however painful and that is cut off all family members who do not take it seriously. It may mean missing big family events such as weddings because they still invite the abuser. This is the kind of ongoing scenario that does the real long term harm to victims of child sexual abuse. I was not believed, my abuser was a sort of pillar of the community loved by everyone type and my Mother did nothing.

When the time is right consider specialist counselling for both your children. I am assuming this incident is very recent, your DD may feel able to give an interview further down the line.

Even though we are all strangers I see the love and care in your posts as much as the distress and that is what will get your family through.

You must report. The abuser is highly likely to abuse other children. They may be on a 'high' knowing that you have not reported them. It might make them feel invincible in a way, above the law.

I'm so sorry for you and your DC OP. You haven't mentioned therapy in your updates. In my view (working with vulnerable YP) this is the most essential next step and needs to be put in place now. For all three of you, individually. Your daughters therapy can help her articulate and process what happened, and may even give her the strength to do the police interviews.

I’m so sorry. Some how managed to completely miss the update that you had reported it, I thought I’d caught all your updates. Clearly not.
Sorry

Well done, I know it wasn’t and won’t be easy. But it’s truly, the right thing

I am astonished at the blind faith that is shown here towards police and social services. I did not find either organisation to be helpful.

The post earlier by @Getsomehelp is so accurate. These are the signs I see in two persons who are related. This is heartbreaking to watch. Social services were involved but refused to accept the situation. Social services had in fact enabled the person to carry out other abuses. Police had some involvement but did not cover themselves in glory.

I thought safeguarding was the buzz word. I did not see any done.

@chocolatecerealcampingbrekkie

You must report. The abuser is highly likely to abuse other children. They may be on a 'high' knowing that you have not reported them. It might make them feel invincible in a way, above the law.

She has reported it, he has been arrested. Maybe read all the OPs posts.

You dont want to put her through interview process with police, who are very well trained and handle this very well. It isnt like rape cases with women not being believed. The police who deal with abused children are very good at it. But you do want the whole world to know what happened to her?

So no police, with victim identity protection. But gossip all over town with her name being dragged about.

I find this very unusual.

Call the police. Stop messing around.

This^

Also as an adult who had this experience.. my parents did nothing. I felt unsafe till i went to uni in a different county.
The police are trained to support.
As a child I wd strongly imagine that they want the parent to take charge of this painful as it is so that they are not left with questions about the sitiation including others such as what if he does it again.. what shd I have done.
Eg . For years I was frightened that I had no idea if he hurt other chikdren and this worry impacted on me in addition to the actual abuse.
Dc are not able to weigh these things up always but adults can .
All the best. So so hard.

Op please keep your thoughts to yourself. I told someone who I thought was a friend to be careful as I knew she would allow the abuser near her dc. He had previously washed cars for her family... She told my exh... The police came and spoke to me. Apparently I was jeopardising the rehabilitation of the offender by telling someone
. I was strongly advised to keep it quiet. So no support for me then. Years later I was told we should have been offered family therapy. I couldn't even tell a friend. Failed imo. No regrets about reporting to the police though..
Even though it lost me a ds...

Tbh the best support I have received was on here... We don't need details op but there are kind people on here who can be helpful if you need to talk.

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

You dont want to put her through interview process with police, who are very well trained and handle this very well. It isnt like rape cases with women not being believed. The police who deal with abused children are very good at it. But you do want the whole world to know what happened to her?

So no police, with victim identity protection. But gossip all over town with her name being dragged about.

I find this very unusual.

Call the police. Stop messing around.

This^

Sorry but it is, sadly children are victim blamed in the same way women are. If you read examples from Dr Jessica Taylor who worked in this field with both adults and children. She made the move thinking it would be different in child services. However, she was appalled to find the same things happened to children.

"Later on, I moved to work in child sexual abuse and exploitation. I remember thinking that there must be much less victim blaming within children's services - especially as so many children being sexually abused and exploited are under the age of consent and could not possibly be held responsible for anything at all. Every day, I was proven wrong. It was quickly apparent that even children who were being abused and exploited by adult men were being told to change something about themselves, to take responsibility and to take the blame for being raped and harmed." Dr Taylor (2020)

She does however have some good support ideas for those who have experienced this and gives good advice about the fact that a child who has already had their consent removed should be listened to with regards to what happens next and what they want. To force them is to remove their consent again as to what they want. Give them the information and the knowledge they can report now, report later or not report at all. They do not have the duty to prevent further assaults, they are not responsible for the actions of this person later on. To put the onus on children they are responsible for preventing attacks is victim blaming and appalling.

CanIMoveOn
There are some good blogs here about how to help yourself and your child and information about sexual abuse which you might find useful to support your anger. victimfocusblog.com/

This free ecourse about helping yourself after an assault is very good and would be good for both you and your child. It really helped me. Dr Taylor has some solid advice for people who have had trauma and how to deal with emotions such as anger.

www.victimfocus.org.uk/free-caring-for-yourself-after-sexual-violence

I hope you find something useful and I hope you are both supported as you move forward.

I've name changed for this as I don't want it linked to other user names.

As a child (aged 9) I was sexually assaulted. When I told my parents, their first reaction was to believe me and immediately call the police, who also took it seriously. As we were living in a very small rural community at the time, it wasn't long before EVERYONE knew about what had happened. I got called a liar and all sorts by various other parties.

I had to go through the police interview and court process, and eventually the perpetrator was prosecuted, although he eventually got off on a technicality.

But the main thing was, my parents believed me and showed me I mattered because they made bloody sure that the person who did it wold see justice and people would know what he did. I've moved on, processed it and it's long in the realms of memory.

But only because my parents believed me and then had the guts to bugger the consequences so he didn't do it again.

I'm not in your situation, so it's not for me to judge your actions, but I would go straight to the police if it were me.

I worked in police admin for many years, the officers I worked with were great but I met one or two who worked with abused children who weren't. Like anything else it varies.

Once again the OP had already gone to the police before she started this thread. The abuser had already been arrested, she had already had CPS feedback about the likely success of a prosecution.

Yes, I hadn't realised that when I responded as I hadn't read the whole thread.

But, my story my help her know that the fact her children know they were believed by their mum, regardless of outcome, will make all the difference.

I've name hanged for this so it doesn't link with my other stuff but I just wanted to say please follow this through. I was sexually abused by a very close family member as an infant school age & he 3 years older (junior school age).

I have never told my Parents & have literally only ever told one friend and that took me years of friendship to get there. They have been a massive support to me and I am now, finally reaching out for help from professionals. Telling my Parents would destroy them and possibly divide the family. I don't want to live with the embarrassment, guilt and shame of that.

I have had the best childhood from my Parents & a really open relationship with them, but, I have had an awful childhood from my outlook on life. I don't trust men, I find it hard to build trust & friendships. I push people away. I've never been able to hold down a proper relationship - as soon as I feel like things are progressing I get real bad anxiety & pull back. I simply don't bother now. I've had an eating disorder since I was around the age of 8 - worse through my late teens/early 20's (anorexia that then developed into bulimia) I've always absolutely hated my body, I hate my looks & basically have no self worth whilst he has everything. It's just everyday life for me now. I find it hard to give hugs yet I am very affectionate & loving. I wear my heart on my sleeve & would give anyone the world. I'd love for nothing more than to be in a 'normal' relationship & to have my own children.

I'd give anything to help anyone not to suffer in silence like I have so, please do continue to do what's best for your children. Maybe detailing everything will help with getting through it. I've not done this (just told my friend the basics) but I suspect it'll all come out in therapy and may actually help.

Good luck xx

Thanks for everyone reiterating that police are involved. It was reported to police and Childrens Services that evening/morning.

My children were always believed…. In the blur of finding out what happened and details emerging I do remember saying how I believed them, how proud I was they told us, how it wasn’t their fault in any way and I was so sorry this happened to them as it was very wrong. We’ve continued to reinforce these messages.

Thank you also for the links… I will take a look.
Now that the police case is on hold/not active, our family can access a different level of support and counselling and I’ll push for this. I think I do probably need the support too. It’s been horrendous, all consuming and difficult to talk to people about (my usual way of coping is talking!).
I’m full of hatred and anger towards this boy, but also some sadness too by what we’ve all lost and how messed up it is for our otherwise harmonious family, but also confusingly, sad for him. I loved this boy, I held him as a newborn, cared for him, bathed him. It’s a huge betrayal of trust and so fucking messed up.
I know there aren’t ‘sides’ to this, but the shared grandparents have been 100% there for my children and I think it’s massively helped. They’ve had minimal contact with him.
We won’t attend any family events that he will attend, but its usually us, or grandparents hosting these so he just won’t be invited.

I don’t think I’ll add anything else, but do appreciate the guidance and support, and hope others going through this or who have been through this find strength and healing.

In case others find this thread, school shared this link which helped me in the first few shocking days. Hopefully the link works ok.

www.kidscape.org.uk/media/1035/kswhymychild.pdf