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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Trigger warning - my child was sexually abused

126 replies

CanIMoveOn · 28/10/2021 21:19

How do you get over this? The abuse was a one off carried out by an older child (they knew exactly what they were doing, groomed my DD somewhat, tried to cover their tracks and are above the age of criminal responsibility).
It’s pulled our family apart.

The only way I feel it can be better is by ruining his life too.
He won’t be prosecuted as I won’t put my DD through interviews etc.
How can I tell people in his street or at his school what he did and what a monster he is?
Would you want to know if this ‘child’ was sitting next to your daughter in class?

OP posts:
Marzipanfruit · 28/10/2021 23:57

O.P. I am so sorry you and your daughter are going through this. As a former professional with experience in this area you should consider reporting this, or at least seeking some confidential advice. Your daughter may well disclose this later to another child who will tell an adult, or to a teacher. It won't just go so needs to be dealt with now so that age appropriate action and help can be put in place for both parties. When I was working I found Barnados and Children First very helpful and non judgemental in such circumstances but am not sure of current available support.

verymiddleaged · 29/10/2021 00:14

This is the field I work in.
If you report to social services it will be logged formally so there will be record of the allegation.
Not all dc want to make a statement to the police and that is their choice.

Some areas have post sexual abuse therapy services for children and their parents. The NSPCC run some of them but other service providers do as well.

If you talk to a social worker then they should be able to tell you your options where you live.

I wouldn't recommend doing nothing because your dd needs to know that you believe her and are supporting her as much as possible.

verymiddleaged · 29/10/2021 00:15

You can't though talk to your neighbors about it, this is confidential information about your dd.

Lilyargin · 29/10/2021 00:15

So sorry. If you don’t do anything he’s likely to do it someone else. How would that make you feel?
I’m not in this situation, but I feel we must call it out to protect one another.
Why should these vile human beings get away with it? They don’t stop. If they’re not called out it’s a green light for them. Please report.

GatoradeMeBitch · 29/10/2021 00:16

What you can't do is go around telling people he's a monster. It could get you arrested and land you in court.

For your sake and so that you can tell your DD you did everything you could, report it.

Mellowyellow222 · 29/10/2021 00:38

Your daughter will always know there was no justice for her. It’s a horrible horrible situation but you are teaching her lot to fight; not to report, just to live with it. It’s her burden not his.

Please report this. Show your daughter you are willing to fight. Even if her doesn’t get convicted, she won’t spend the rest if he life with that rage that he walked away Scott free and she was left with the pain and the shame.

Original poster
CanIMoveOn · 29/10/2021 06:06

Sorry, to be clear we immediately told the police and social services have been involved.
A crime science investigator came to take evidence. The boy was arrested.
We refused an invasive medical for my daughter… this was not an easy decision but I feel this was the best decision for my child.

My daughter and her brother do not want to give an interview. I’ve explained it would be in a special house and the police have also explained, but they do not want to do it. I feel they have moved on, and do not want every minute detail dragged up. They are embarrassed.

Also, I have told school and they have had support there, plus a specialist organisation. I’ve bought every book recommended to me as they mainly want to speak time about it. (My son was present and is really suffering from guilt as to why he didn’t get us sooner).

Sorry to drop feed. I’ve tried to do what I can to help.

OP posts:
Original poster
CanIMoveOn · 29/10/2021 06:10

The case was put to the cps but without the interviews from the children they won’t take it forwards.

I havent told my DD this. She knows he was arrested and what he did was very wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
CanIMoveOn · 29/10/2021 06:13

I feel like writing an anonymous letter to everyone on his street but I think they’d know it was me. Or posting on his school fb group.. but I think it would make it worse.
It’s not my story to tell and I guess people would always look at my dd differently.

We don’t live in the same town.

The boy has recently attended a cub family camp… how is this even allowed! He’s a family member so I will broach this. I assume he wasn’t alone with others.

OP posts:
Original poster
CanIMoveOn · 29/10/2021 06:28

Thank you for all the kind messages and I’m sorry so many others have been through this too.

A few messages really helped. You’re right… publicly humiliating him is not the answer.
There were 4 adults he confessed to but even this was not enough to persecute. The system is not designed for a scared and embarrassed child unfortunately.

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Original poster
CanIMoveOn · 29/10/2021 06:29

*prosecute.
Sorry for all the typos.

OP posts:
itsgettingwierd · 29/10/2021 06:33

I'm so sorry this happened to your DD.

You are right the system doesn't do enough for the victims.

However without prosecution he sadly remains innocent in the eyes of the law.

So anything you do will be seen as vigilante justice. You could land yourself in hot water.

It's not too late for your dd and ds to make statements which they may chose to do if they understand he'll be free on the streets and cub camps.

A friend of mine and her sibling made reports of CSA 35 years after the fact of a family member. He's just been found guilty (he only admitted one case and was found guilty of all of them)

Fcuk38 · 29/10/2021 06:39

So you want everyone to know he’s an abuser? For that to happen you waiver your daughters anonymity and privacy surely yet you don’t want her sitting through police interviews? I’d say the longer term effects of everyone knowing this happened to her without the correct support in place is far more detrimental than her having the police interviews who are fully trained. How old is your daughter? What does she want to do?

rrhuth · 29/10/2021 06:41

I'm so sorry this happened to your family Flowers

Personally I feel like I might try to explain to my child that if they do the interview it will help the police. Not too heavy and they are not responsible for the future whatever they choose. But only those who've been through this really know.

But you can't go vigilante and tell people, no, that won't help anyone, least of all your DD.

You might benefit from counseling yourself, in order to help your children, because it is awful for you too.

Original poster
CanIMoveOn · 29/10/2021 06:42

We have left it open with the police. They are keeping all evidence, although unlikely there was much from what they said.
I desperately want them to do the interview but only if they want to.
I want him prosecuted with a record. He knew 100% what he was doing was wrong.
But, I want my children to heal more.
It’s such a horrible situation.
The interview and court case may prove to be more damaging.
I just hope they can heal and I’m fully expecting the affects for many years especially as my daughter grows and matures. Sad

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 29/10/2021 06:54

I was abused as a child (5) and I didn't think I'd be believed. It was the 70s and my mum was dying. Many WW years later I tried to report it but it came to nothing. I have spent hours looking for some trace of him to look and see if he is in the papers for child abuse.

My exh accused his Step dad of abusing our children 3&4. He went about it like a narcissistic bull in a China shop. And the children found it traumatic. He didn't want me informed. I wasn't there for any of it. I think there are ways and means and his was not the way.

I wonder if you might be mistaken in not pushing the kids to interview now. Do you not think they'll regret it later? And clearly he's going to do it again. No ones doing anything about stopping him. And potentially the guilt will be harder to live with than the rest.

PRsecrets · 29/10/2021 06:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouJustFoldItIn · 29/10/2021 07:07

How old is your DD, how old is the 'monster' and how old is your son?

SuperSange · 29/10/2021 07:12

Yes, I think that sadly, you're the adult and letting them choose to refuse an interview, in the long term, is a mistake. They're too young to understand the implications of their refusal, to them it's the easier option. What if he does it again?

drpet49 · 29/10/2021 07:16

* But think this is where you will need to take the hardline and tell your daughter she needs to do the interview unfortunately. Because in the future (even though it was her decision) she will blame you for her abuser not being prosecuted and no one taking her seriously. She's a hurt, humiliated and embarrassed child and as a child cannot see the broader picture and also cannot predict how she will feel about this in future. But as an adult you can.*

^This

LaurenKelsey · 29/10/2021 07:27

Please call the police!

My teen DD was assaulted at a party while intoxicated. She did not report it but when the guy went on to do the same thing to two other girls she came forward and reported her assault to the police.

She testified and he was incarcerated and served time. He is now a registered sex offender for life, which he should be! (We’re not in the UK but you must have an equivalent?)

The only way to bring these abusers out of the dark is it report them.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/10/2021 07:33

I really would reconsider your decision here. What appears to be healing today will raise a lot of questions in the future and could set your dd right back to now. This may not happen until your she has children of her own. But she needs to know you had her back, always. And I know from what you’ve read, you do, but she may not see it this way when she is an adult.

There was stuff, which happened in my family and I was never heard or protected. As a result, when the same person threatened and ultimately was violent to me. Well into adulthood, I didn’t realise I should stand up to them and report this to the police. I also was targeted in my teens by what I now realise must be a seasoned paedophile. I got away. Parent telling me to keep my mouth shut then calling him to tell him to stay away really didn’t cut the mustard.

I get it’s very very hard. Flowers

whodoyouthinkof · 29/10/2021 07:49

Just wanted to give a different perspective and say that I think you're doing the right thing. I was abused and my parents pressured me to go to the police and give a statement. Nothing happened to him anyway but I'm not angry my abuser is 'free' as an adult and I don't believe my parents reacted in the right way.

Encourage and explain by all means, but I certainly would not be telling my child they need to do anything.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/10/2021 07:59

Very sorry this has happened to your child but you have to report.

Otherwise he/she will do it to someone else.

KTB19 · 29/10/2021 08:10

I totally get why you think by not puttng them through a court case, that they will be able to move on and heal.

But on the other hand, by encouraging them to give evidence, you are also giving them a voice and even if the verdict does not go in your favour, you make it known that YOU believe them and you have their back because telling the truth is the right thing to do.

Unfortunately just because it doesnt go to court, it doesnt make it all go away. Because it will fester in you and who knows, it may well fester in your child.

Going to court is stressful - although how they manage it with kids I don't know. But I do know it's stressful.

I reported someone for sexual assault. (work related)He was an incredibly powerful and influential man. who had done it beforeThI won't go into it but it did not go in my favour.

Yes it was bloody hard defending myself on the stand but you know what, I do not regret it. It was my time to be heard.

I also nearly didnt take my case urther, I very nearly pretended it didn't happen. Except that it did happen and it boiled away inside of me until there was no carpet big enought to sweep it under.
But by having my day in court, I was able to move on.

Now back to you - as we are talking about a child, I am guessing the legal process is very different and one would hope, that the court process is different for kids. So before you make a decision, please I beg you, to investigate what will happen, what safe guarding policies will be in place to protect yuor child in court.

Remember that whilst the case may not go in your favour, you have done your bit to try and stop this happening to another child. And by taking this as far as you possibly can, you are making a clear and concise legal record on the person that did it.

If they offend again, they will have it all on record. You cannot 'Un-ring' the bell and by taking it to court, you could be laying down your own foundations to protecting other children.

I cant imagine how hard this is for you or your child, I can only speak from anadults perspective and what it was like for me.

Whatever you do, however you do it - get professional guidance to help you move forward. but keep in mind, not taking it any further may well not bring you the peace that you and your child so deserve.

Hugs to you and I really hope that things work out.