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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I tell my mum I’m moving 45 minutes away?

482 replies

umwhyisthishappening · 28/10/2021 18:31

I live in an expensive area so am currently renting a very small flat. I am now in a financial situation where I can afford to rent a house, but just outside of the area. We can’t buy and don’t want to move back home. We have a toddler.

I have wanted to move for months and today we found a place we love and we want to put down the deposit before it’s snapped up - but it’s 45 minutes away from my mum.

A couple of months ago I suggested moving she screamed in my face and then refused to talk to me - even though it was 15 minutes away. She wants me to live in the same town as her, but I definitely don’t want that.

This nee place is 45 minutes away and I am terrified of telling her, I know she is going to go mad.

But this is a three bedroom house with a large lounge and two bathrooms. In our price range! The area has amazing schools and the neighbourhood is gorgeous. I need to go for it - but how do I do this without causing a huge fallout?

And yes I have posted about my mum before - a big part of moving 45 mins away is to be further from her as currently we are in the neighbouring town.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 05/11/2021 20:42

@umwhyisthishappening

Update: WE GOT THE HOUSE AND WE MOVE NEXT FRIDAY!!!
Brilliant news. I love a happy outcome.
AcrossthePond55 · 05/11/2021 21:07

@umwhyisthishappening

Update: WE GOT THE HOUSE AND WE MOVE NEXT FRIDAY!!!
Wonderful news!!! Happy dancing for you!

Move quietly, leave no address, and enjoy the peace and your new home.

Purplepeoniesdroppingpetals · 05/11/2021 21:10

Good for you, op. Happy new home and wishing you some peace and quiet.

Budapestdreams · 05/11/2021 21:12

Amazing news, congratulations!!

billy1966 · 06/11/2021 08:38

This is wonderful news.

A chance to move and have a peaceful life.

Vile family like that add nothing to your life.

Take some time to reflect.

Best of luck.

Original poster
umwhyisthishappening · 06/11/2021 09:12

Had the weirdest dream last night that I was taking my mum around my son’s new nursery trying to convince her I knew what was best for him. It’s made me feel all weird and now I’m second-guessing myself. But I know I’m doing the right thing and I deserve this - I just don’t know whether I can go without telling her we are moving, even though I know rationally there is no point?

OP posts:
sueelleker · 06/11/2021 10:14

If you must, tell her after you've moved. Otherwise she'll try to stop you or put you off. If you do tell her, can you tell her you've moved; but not where? Then any contact can be on your terms.

Idony · 06/11/2021 10:18

Cut contact with the daft old bint. She'll only continue to damage you and cause stress if you allow her to keep calling, texting and threatening to seek custody of your child. She's unhinged and sounds a danger to herself and others.

trulyconfuseddotcom · 06/11/2021 10:33

I just don’t know whether I can go without telling her we are moving, even though I know rationally there is no point?

Hello - I really feel for you. I have a difficult relationship with my mum too. It sounds like there's a part of you inside who still wishes and hopes (against all reason) that she'll say it's fine, well done, she understands. Sadly for both of you, she won't. So maybe don't tell her, do your move and get safely away, enjoy settling into your new home and try not to let her taint it. Give it a couple of weeks until you contact her. And maybe don't have her round for a while. Wishing you the best of luck with it all.

billy1966 · 06/11/2021 17:14

@trulyconfuseddotcom

I just don’t know whether I can go without telling her we are moving, even though I know rationally there is no point?

Hello - I really feel for you. I have a difficult relationship with my mum too. It sounds like there's a part of you inside who still wishes and hopes (against all reason) that she'll say it's fine, well done, she understands. Sadly for both of you, she won't. So maybe don't tell her, do your move and get safely away, enjoy settling into your new home and try not to let her taint it. Give it a couple of weeks until you contact her. And maybe don't have her round for a while. Wishing you the best of luck with it all.

This is really good advice.

Do the move, peacefully.
Allow your family to settle into their new home, peacefully.

Allow your family to associate the move, positively.

Take some time to reflect.

This appalling behaviour and threats by your mother are so shocking.

I think you must be used to very poor behaviour.

Your priority is NOT your mother.

Your priority is a peaceful, calm move with your family into your home.

I mean this very kindly OP, but if you give your mother your address you could be giving her the opportunity to cause a scene in front of your new neighbours which might understandably colour their view of you and your family.

Is their a possibility that she could make a scene?
Your step father sounds so uncouth, as does your mother.

Think about that hard, before you hand over your address.

You sound like a lovely young woman and mother.
Don't allow this move to be spoiled by them.

Flowers
Ponoka7 · 06/11/2021 17:22

Don't tell her before you move, she might start phoning estate agents trying to cause trouble.
You can't improve the situation with her, you have to protect yourself. Don't be with either of them alone again. Phone her and tell her. Don't tell her which nursery your son is at until she's calmed down.

Q123R · 06/11/2021 17:51

Congratulations!

Do not tell her you are moving, do not tell her your new address. If I were you I'd transfer your current phone number to PAYG in a cheap phone and only switch it on when you feel strong enough to read / hear messages from her.

Good luck for Friday!

AcrossthePond55 · 06/11/2021 21:45

Absolutely agree with PPs above. Move first. Contact her once you are all settled in.

You DESERVE this!

Newestname002 · 07/11/2021 10:18

@umwhyisthishappening

But I know I’m doing the right thing and I deserve this - I just don’t know whether I can go without telling her we are moving, even though I know rationally there is no point?

OP, you have started breaking the negative pattern you are in with your narcissistic parent and her vile partner. It must have taken courage to go against their demands for you to do exactly what they told you to (which would have been to the detriment of yourself and your own little family).

The next stage is as important. Give yourself space and calm to move into your new home and enjoy the freedom from their poison by moving without giving them any indication of your moving date, new address, landline phone number.

Block them on your mobile, at least for a while. Each day that you are without their awful influence on you is one better day and, hopefully, a weakening of the emotional chains.

Give yourself a chance, please to both survive and thrive. Otherwise you will never be free of them and their grasp on you.

Lean on your partner and friends for support when you feel guilty (though you have no need to feel guilt). And we are always here to support you too.

When you feel the need to contact her, take a look at your little boy and think why you would want in his life someone who treated you so very badly, and has shown no sign of remorse.

Also, it may have been mentioned before, but please also try and get yourself some 1:1 therapy for yourself to try and understand your need for approval from such manipulative people and strengthen your boundaries against them.

I wish you strength and a great future - you DO deserve it. 🌹

Original poster
umwhyisthishappening · 09/11/2021 08:54

She started being nice to me so I stupidly gave in and gave her a call. Met with a barrage of abuse about how I’m a bad parent and I’m not thinking of DS and that I am utter shit with him and that when I take him to nursery they probably just leave him in a corner on his own and that’s what they’ll do at his new nursery. I firmly said I don’t have to listen to this and hung up. But mad at myself that I gave into it.

OP posts:
Siriisatwat · 09/11/2021 09:13

@umwhyisthishappening

She started being nice to me so I stupidly gave in and gave her a call. Met with a barrage of abuse about how I’m a bad parent and I’m not thinking of DS and that I am utter shit with him and that when I take him to nursery they probably just leave him in a corner on his own and that’s what they’ll do at his new nursery. I firmly said I don’t have to listen to this and hung up. But mad at myself that I gave into it.
She’s unhinged.

Do yourself a favour and block her number, change yours.

RockinHorseShit · 09/11/2021 09:33

Any mother who screams in the face of an adult DC for simply living their own lives & doing what's best for them NEEDS to be moved away from PDQ & are you sure 45 minutes is far enough 🥴

I had one that like this & she eventually drove me to the other end of the country with her controlling behaviour

Rip the bandage off & if she kicks off, just say "mum, you're out of order & this sort of controlling behaviour is only going to drive me further away from you, so think yourself lucky it's only 45 minutes this time, keep this up & it will be abroad next time"

Good luck, having had one of these, I feel for you

whatsagoodusername · 09/11/2021 10:05

Don't beat yourself up for calling her. Focus on this:

I firmly said I don't have to listen to this and hung up.

Be proud of yourself for this. This is awesome.

CaveMum · 09/11/2021 10:52

@whatsagoodusername

Don't beat yourself up for calling her. Focus on this:

I firmly said I don't have to listen to this and hung up.

Be proud of yourself for this. This is awesome.

Exactly this.
Original poster
umwhyisthishappening · 09/11/2021 10:56

Thank you. I am now receiving messages about seeing my DS. I have simply said I am not having a discussion and am ignoring any further messages.

OP posts:
Pumpkinsonparade · 09/11/2021 10:58

Please block her. For your own wellbeing..

CaveMum · 09/11/2021 11:18

@umwhyisthishappening

Thank you. I am now receiving messages about seeing my DS. I have simply said I am not having a discussion and am ignoring any further messages.
You need to block her, think of your own mental health. You have her number if you need to contact her in the event of an emergency but you will end up falling back into the same pattern again where she gives the appearance of being sorry and nice to you to draw you back in and then the abusive behaviour will start again.
Champersandchocolate · 09/11/2021 11:20

It sounds lovely. Do you depend on your mum at all? I have lived in all sorts, it's all well and good living in a bigger house but it soon starts to suck when no one wants to make an effort to come and see you.

Then again, my mum has never made an effort not even when I lived 2 miles away...

Budapestdreams · 09/11/2021 13:18

Well done for ignoring her and not giving in to her demands and emotional blackmail.

MoveAhoy · 09/11/2021 13:23

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