How do I tell my mum I’m moving 45 minutes away?

[umwhyisthishappening]

I live in an expensive area so am currently renting a very small flat. I am now in a financial situation where I can afford to rent a house, but just outside of the area. We can’t buy and don’t want to move back home. We have a toddler.

I have wanted to move for months and today we found a place we love and we want to put down the deposit before it’s snapped up - but it’s 45 minutes away from my mum.

A couple of months ago I suggested moving she screamed in my face and then refused to talk to me - even though it was 15 minutes away. She wants me to live in the same town as her, but I definitely don’t want that.

This nee place is 45 minutes away and I am terrified of telling her, I know she is going to go mad.

But this is a three bedroom house with a large lounge and two bathrooms. In our price range! The area has amazing schools and the neighbourhood is gorgeous. I need to go for it - but how do I do this without causing a huge fallout?

And yes I have posted about my mum before - a big part of moving 45 mins away is to be further from her as currently we are in the neighbouring town.

Congrats on the house, what lovely news!

Thank you everyone for the support. The funniest thing is that my sister moved 35 minutes away a few weeks back... they were supportive and didn’t blink an eyelid.

Is sis the golden child and you were the one expected to run around after DM in her old age?

What a predictable turn of events from her. Please don't tell her your new address and if you think she knows any of your passwords please change them!

Tell her you'll save her the time and money.
"You have fuck all in the way of rights regarding me or my child "
Well don't do that obviously but just for a brief minute imagine that you do send that text
She's an abusive bully.

So pleased for you.
This is great news.

Move and don't look back.

Keep all abusive texts in case she does contact SS.

You poor woman, what awful people they are.

I also would not give out your address and stay away from anyone who will try and stick their nose in.

Your step father sounds like scum.

Best of luck.

Best of luck with it. Your mother sounds like hard work. Hope you have support with dealing with her.

Don't bother replying to her grandparent rights tantrum. Let her waste her money to find out she has none. Be aware that if she's prepared to pay, a solicitor might well write you a carefully worded letter suggesting they will take you to court for access if you dont allow it. They would lose so you can ignore it. (She sounds like thr type who would do that to see if she could get her own way).

Enjoy your new home and distance.

Just ignore her, she had no rights at all ( unless she has been looking after him all day or something)

Use the move to distance yourself from her emotionally

@umwhyisthishappening

In good news: we got the house! Thanks for all the finger crossing everyone!

In bizarre news, my mum has got in contact to say she has ‘concerns’ about DS development and is getting advice on ‘her rights’...

So pleased for you! Congratulations on your new home.

As for 'her rights' - she doesn't have any. There have been court cases where grandparents sought rights to/over their grandchildren, every single one has failed. To the extent that these would now be seen as precedents. In the unlikely event (she's just trying to rattle you) that she is getting advice from anyone legal, they will tell her that. She's just trying to upset you - something of a hobby of hers, isn't it?

I do hope you haven't told her what your new address will be. Because really, she doesn't need to know that.

Congratulations again!

Good luck on getting the house.

Do not acquiesce to her threats. Ignore her.

I hope keeping busy distracts from the anxiety she must be causing.

I mean congratulations!

@umwhyisthishappening

In good news: we got the house! Thanks for all the finger crossing everyone!

In bizarre news, my mum has got in contact to say she has ‘concerns’ about DS development and is getting advice on ‘her rights’...

Excellent. I'd love to be a fly on the wall when she asks a solicitor whether she can stop her daughter moving to be 45 minutes' away. It should give the solicitors a good laugh, anyway.

I am so glad you got the house.

I think you should block your mother now on everything. She has no rights. Stay cool calm and collected.

Brace yourself but carry on as normal making a lovely life for yourself without her and your nasty SD in it. Best for you and DC.

God OP, they are absolutely vile, thank god you’re moving your family away from their control, toxicity and abuse.

Please tell us you understand how serious this is, I’m worried they have you thinking it’s just family dynamics/ your issues. They are complete and utter scum. I wouldn’t have them anywhere near my child.

Huge congratulations on the house

Congratulations on getting the house @umwhyisthishappening!! Hope you are able to move in soon.

Your mother is deluded if she thinks she has any rights over your child so you shouldn't worry about that.

I wouldn't bother communicating with her or any of her acolytes fir any reason. Focus on your new life with your partner and child. Here's to you! 🍷 🌈

Congratulations OP, onwards and upwards!

Congratulations on the house!

I’ve no first-hand experience of this, but grandparents making vague threats about their ‘rights’ regarding kids seems to be a recurring theme here, and the consensus is usually that they legally have no leg to stand on whatsoever. Unless there is major major backstory and your kids are genuinely neglected and unsafe with you (which I don’t think for a second is the case here) then your mum can get all the legal advice she wants, it won’t get her anywhere.

Cut this horrible woman out of your life and don’t look back.

That's brilliant news OP
What a fabulous new start for you all and some much needed distance from your mum etc. They sound like a nightmare and your mental health should improve no end. Very low contact and she can look into her rights all she wants - legally, she has none; morally she gave them up because of her behaviour

@UltimateBugKilla

Tell her your moving to Australia, then when she gets over the shock 45 mins away won't seem so bad 😁

This

I moved away from my (lovely) mum to London when I was 17, (3 hours away), then all other subsequent moves have been around the same time

You are moving 45 minutes away, not to another country
Does she really expect you to be at her beck and call for the rest of her life.

Kids grow up and become adults, have families, have jobs, have a separate life to their parents, you are not a child any more and she cant dictate how you live your life and where you decide to live.

It looks like she is the one who needs to grow up. Her behaviour of throwing a screaming tantrum is more like the behaviour of a spoilt teenager, who cant get what they want

I find this quite unbelievable.

After uni, I moved 7 hours away (by car) from my parents.

Sure, they weren't delighted, but it was my life and I was offered a job which I had to take.

Now, as a Mum, my own DCs live an hour and 1.5hrs away.

@umwhyisthishappening

In good news: we got the house! Thanks for all the finger crossing everyone!

In bizarre news, my mum has got in contact to say she has ‘concerns’ about DS development and is getting advice on ‘her rights’...

She’ll find out very quickly that she doesn’t have any rights.

If your parents had had a massive part in bringing up your son - for example I lived with my GPs from age 7 - then they could apply for permission to protect your DS’s rights to a continued relationship.

But “grandparents rights” do not, and never have, meant what a lot of twat grandparents assume they mean. And they tend to go very quiet when they discover that.

So glad you got the house.

Your Mum is so nasty.

Please read up on grey rock technique. She is going to punish you any way she can for going against her dictatorship.

Honestly you need to move even further away if possible in the future.

She has no rights at all.

Congratulations on getting the house! Your mum sounds absolutely awful. I would keep her blocked, because messages like that might upset you.

She’ll quickly learn she has fuck all rights. YOU’RE the mum, she’s just an overstepping toxic force

Update: still undergoing referencing but should hear back today. Spoke to my health visitor who told me my mum is v narcissistic. Mum has asked my DP to think carefully about moving. Ignoring this, subject to referencing, we are moving next Friday and she will not be knowing about it until we’re all moved in.

Good luck. I hope it all goes smoothly. I'm pleased that you have a supportive HV.

Don't give your mum your new address.