How do I tell my mum I’m moving 45 minutes away?

[umwhyisthishappening]

I live in an expensive area so am currently renting a very small flat. I am now in a financial situation where I can afford to rent a house, but just outside of the area. We can’t buy and don’t want to move back home. We have a toddler.

I have wanted to move for months and today we found a place we love and we want to put down the deposit before it’s snapped up - but it’s 45 minutes away from my mum.

A couple of months ago I suggested moving she screamed in my face and then refused to talk to me - even though it was 15 minutes away. She wants me to live in the same town as her, but I definitely don’t want that.

This nee place is 45 minutes away and I am terrified of telling her, I know she is going to go mad.

But this is a three bedroom house with a large lounge and two bathrooms. In our price range! The area has amazing schools and the neighbourhood is gorgeous. I need to go for it - but how do I do this without causing a huge fallout?

And yes I have posted about my mum before - a big part of moving 45 mins away is to be further from her as currently we are in the neighbouring town.

@umwhyisthishappening

Update: still undergoing referencing but should hear back today. Spoke to my health visitor who told me my mum is v narcissistic. Mum has asked my DP to think carefully about moving. Ignoring this, subject to referencing, we are moving next Friday and she will not be knowing about it until we’re all moved in.

She said this to him in a threatening way? Or just that a move was generally not a good idea?

What a piece of work she is!

Congratulations on the move OP. As others have said, ignore the threats, and I hope this move gives you the emotional as well as geographical/ physical space you need and deserve.

My mum and dad moved from small town NW England to Asia with 2 small children in the 1970s - leaving all family behind.

When I was 18, I left my family home in Europe to go to Uni in Scotland. After uni, I went to live in one Asian country for 2 years, whilst they went to live in another, and my brother went to live in a different European country.

20 years later, they are back in the NW, my brother is in the Middle East, and I am in London with my own 3 kids.

This is just a long winded way of saying - 45 minutes is nothing! :-)
My parents felt there was a whole wide world out there, and wanted me and my sibling to see it. And now, I tell my own 3 children: of course I would love them living just down the road. But most of all, I want them to go and live their best life, wherever and whatever that is - and that is what your mum should want for you.

I am so impressed you have managed to disentangle yourself from this very tricky environment. As others have said, enjoy this exciting new adventure and your own lovely family, and try to ignore the desperate tantrumming from someone not getting their own way.

@umwhyisthishappening

Update: still undergoing referencing but should hear back today. Spoke to my health visitor who told me my mum is v narcissistic. Mum has asked my DP to think carefully about moving. Ignoring this, subject to referencing, we are moving next Friday and she will not be knowing about it until we’re all moved in.

Great update OP and glad you've got the backing of your health visitor. Keeping everything crossed for you that the referencing goes through.

Best of luck in your new home!

Don’t tell your mum when you’ve moved. Have a few weeks peace, and settle into your new home.

I’d avoid telling her in person, for self preservation. That way if she tantrums you won’t have to directly deal with it and can hang up and possibly block her it you need to. Hope you get the house you want, the distance from your mum will do you and your family the world of good- she sounds like a fucking monster to deal with.

Fantastic news about the house op. In your shoes I'd also use the move to put some boundaries in place regarding your dm. Think about how you want the relationship to be going forwards and use that as a template. Monthly visits, regularity of phone calls, how you deal of she kicks off. It's a brand new start for all of you.

Why are you even still in contact with her? She's shown her hand. She sounds vile, manipulative and damaging. I'd be keeping my family well away from her. Do you realise the peace you will have if she doesn't know where you live and you have no contact with her? I've had to do it with my DM and it's sheer bliss with people like this.

Great news on the house OP. I also agree going LC could be good for you all. She is a nasty woman and I wouldn't want my child to be exposed to her at all. You are doing the right thing and your son will settle into his new nursery.

I'm surprised you didn't move far far away long ago by how unhinged and nasty the pair of them sound. It's nice relatives you want to stay near not nasty ones.

Send her a moonpig and be funny about it, she will no doubt see the fun side of it making the actual reality easier to accept.

Humour goes a long way.

How on Earth is she able to contact your DP? You need to block her everywhere or she will keep on dripping poison into your lives.

@S2617

Send her a moonpig and be funny about it, she will no doubt see the fun side of it making the actual reality easier to accept.

Humour goes a long way.

Wtf have I just read?

OP, as she’s threatened to “look into her rights” regarding your son, I would absolutely NOT give her your new address.

She shouldn’t be able to contact you or your DP, until it’s on your terms. She’s already threatening your DP which means your initial blocking hasn’t worked.

It’s difficult to cut contact with toxic forces, especially close family. But if she doesn’t know where you live, you can manage your level of contact until you decide if and when to cut contact. Even if you dont, visiting her on YOUR terms is vital. Not risking her turning up at your new home wanting to take your son, or taking him from nursery etc etc. Protect yourselves, and let contact happen on your terms only

I agree with @Derbee.

Caution is best here.

Take a break from contact when you move.

Give yourself plenty of time and space to reflect.

You might find the peace a revelation.

Do not give her your address.

Both she and her husband have threatened you, that would be enough for a lot of people.

Best of luck with the move

I wouldn’t give her your address OP

@S2617

Send her a moonpig and be funny about it, she will no doubt see the fun side of it making the actual reality easier to accept.

Humour goes a long way.

What?????? Have you read the thread??

@umwhyisthishappening

Update: still undergoing referencing but should hear back today. Spoke to my health visitor who told me my mum is v narcissistic. Mum has asked my DP to think carefully about moving. Ignoring this, subject to referencing, we are moving next Friday and she will not be knowing about it until we’re all moved in.

So exciting! I hope your move goes well, it's hard work but so worth it for a "three bedroom house with a large lounge and two bathrooms. In our price range! The area has amazing schools and the neighbourhood is gorgeous."

"we are moving next Friday and she will not be knowing about it until we’re all moved in."
Have a ponder on what you want her to know even then. I'd be considering withholding your new address from her. I think that would bring me peace of mind.

Update: WE GOT THE HOUSE AND WE MOVE NEXT FRIDAY!!!

@umwhyisthishappening

Update: WE GOT THE HOUSE AND WE MOVE NEXT FRIDAY!!!

Huzzah! Enjoy it and forget all about your toxic mum.

That's really exciting!! Good luck and happiness in your new home.

That’s fabulous, so pleased for you!

Congratulations- so pleased for you. Enjoy your new life!

And I agree with PPs about not giving her your new address. Meet up with her somewhere neutral and public.

Good luck! Wishing you lots of happiness in your new home.

Congratulations on the house OP!!! 🥳

Honestly- if I were you I would go no contact- not low contact- and cut her out of my life completely. Your mum and stepdad are abusive, what vile, vile people.