How do I tell my mum I’m moving 45 minutes away?

[umwhyisthishappening]

I live in an expensive area so am currently renting a very small flat. I am now in a financial situation where I can afford to rent a house, but just outside of the area. We can’t buy and don’t want to move back home. We have a toddler.

I have wanted to move for months and today we found a place we love and we want to put down the deposit before it’s snapped up - but it’s 45 minutes away from my mum.

A couple of months ago I suggested moving she screamed in my face and then refused to talk to me - even though it was 15 minutes away. She wants me to live in the same town as her, but I definitely don’t want that.

This nee place is 45 minutes away and I am terrified of telling her, I know she is going to go mad.

But this is a three bedroom house with a large lounge and two bathrooms. In our price range! The area has amazing schools and the neighbourhood is gorgeous. I need to go for it - but how do I do this without causing a huge fallout?

And yes I have posted about my mum before - a big part of moving 45 mins away is to be further from her as currently we are in the neighbouring town.

When I went to uni, my mum flipped and shouted at me because apaprently the one in the nearest city was good for my subject so why did I choose one 4 hours away when she never left her mum and I could have lived at home? (She wouldn't move more than 3 miles away from nan.) I'd chosen a place I thought I'd love living in (and did) and I started to become an independent adult there. Never went back to live at home.

But I never managed to really do what I'd wanted (go and work in the US which is better for my field) or emigrate to anywhere. There was always the '...but who's going to look after ME?' bit (and the 'hen are you getting married?', or 'When are you going to give me grandchildren?'...) I'm an only... took me until not that long ago to realise she was somewhat narcissistic. Now it's just me and v. elderly Dad and he's starting to open up - apparently she told him he couldn't do what he really wanted to either, and stopped him getting promotions because he'd have had to move house.

I have an only child, who she was never interested in looking after. I've told him since he was small that he must live his life for him and I will be pleased for him wherever he ends up or with whom or doing whatever and he's not to feel obliged to babysit me when I'm old and he can do whatever he likes. (I'll only disapprove if it's illegal!).

Go live your life. Please.

@Heronatemygoldfish

When I went to go to Uni my mother falsely claimed to have cancer to persuade me not to go.

Selfish bitch is still alive nearly 40 years later. Never had cancer.

@VampireVicki thanks, and to you too.

Oddly mine did have cancer in my final year. And survived it...

I'm shocked at the behaviour of some of these mothers. I am absolutely delighted that DD (21) isaway at her first choice university, and living independently. I don't want her to be reliant on me. As an older parent I need her to be independent and self reliant.

I hope it's good news for you today OP

Keeping my fingers crossed for you today @umwhyisthishappening.

Reading some of your later posts I'd also take some time before you give her your new address (if EVER).

This woman and her husband are no good for your mental health - and unlikely to be good for your child to be around either. Remember having to deal with her throwing you out of your home aged 15, and the adult you still afraid of her (I don't blame you!), shaking and crying in your car.

Lean on your partner for support and consider some 1:1 therapy for yourself to help you you the mental strength when it comes to dealing with such narcissistic people.

Do please consider much lower contact with them and, fingers crossed, enjoy your life in your new home. 🌹

I really hope the agents let you have the house - but if not, keep trying, you've done the hard bit, and it really does sound like you need to get well away xx Keep us posted x

[quote VampireVicki]@Heronatemygoldfish

When I went to go to Uni my mother falsely claimed to have cancer to persuade me not to go.

Selfish bitch is still alive nearly 40 years later. Never had cancer.[/quote]
My dad has supposedly had cancer and has been given “3 months to live” twice in my life to stop me from moving away.

The first time was when I was 18 and wanted to go to college after working shit jobs for two years. He said he had skin cancer and that he was dying. That was 23 years ago…

He’s 87 now and still going strong. Apart from potentially faking the issues he currently has that forced me to let him move in with me last week as I could no longer cope.

Some parents are selfish beyond belief. He now thinks he’s “won” by moving in with me and my family. Reality is, he’s probably going to end my current marriage as he did my first (faked cancer again so that I couldn’t emigrate with my ex h for an amazing career opportunity he was offered on a plate, it stalled his career and he couldn’t forgive me).

Strongly suggest you get him in a care home asap Siri. Why the hell did you let him move in???

I hope you get the house!! 🤞🤞🤞🤞

@CarrotVan

Strongly suggest you get him in a care home asap Siri. Why the hell did you let him move in???

I can’t just put him in no a home, he has capacity.

It’s a long story.

In good news: we got the house! Thanks for all the finger crossing everyone!

In bizarre news, my mum has got in contact to say she has ‘concerns’ about DS development and is getting advice on ‘her rights’...

@umwhyisthishappening

In good news: we got the house! Thanks for all the finger crossing everyone!

In bizarre news, my mum has got in contact to say she has ‘concerns’ about DS development and is getting advice on ‘her rights’...

Well good news - she has no rights. Zero.

And she can have all the concerns she’s wants, but only a child’s parents can address them (not fictitious ones, obviously).

Fabulous news.

Ignore and block your mum. Don't give her your new address either.

Well done on getting the house! The contact from your mother is not coincidence, she’s trying to frighten you into staying nearby. I’ll bet anything a) she’s not getting advice from anywhere (apart from Google) and b) that she’ll tell you that if you stay close so she can keep an eye on him she’ll stop getting “advice” on her rights.

Let her knock herself out, she has no rights over your son.

Block her. I moved and didn't tell my df. He had no rights to my dc. Same as your dm. None.

@umwhyisthishappening

In good news: we got the house! Thanks for all the finger crossing everyone!

In bizarre news, my mum has got in contact to say she has ‘concerns’ about DS development and is getting advice on ‘her rights’...

He next step will be a 'concerned call' to Social Services. Well, as far as I'm concerned she's just issued you with a gold-plated reason to go NC, or at the very least, LC.

I wouldn't respond, it'd only escalate things. They say that if you're going NC or LC it's best just to do it and not get involved in explanations that will only be turned on you like a weapon.

At this point, is there really any valid reason to stay in touch with her? I can't think of a single one.

@umwhyisthishappening

In good news: we got the house! Thanks for all the finger crossing everyone!

In bizarre news, my mum has got in contact to say she has ‘concerns’ about DS development and is getting advice on ‘her rights’...

Hilarious, does she think she's Kim Tate in Emmerdale? Ignore all messages from her now. Focus on your move and your exciting new life without her. Most importantly do not let her know your address. Go as far as saying the house is in a different area to where it is.

@umwhyisthishappening

In good news: we got the house! Thanks for all the finger crossing everyone!

In bizarre news, my mum has got in contact to say she has ‘concerns’ about DS development and is getting advice on ‘her rights’...

Congrats on getting the house! As for your 'D'M, she has no legal rights over your child and her audacity at threatening you like this using his development as an excuse is outrageous. Fight fire with fire and say if she goes down that route you'll get legal advice on making sure she's not part of his life at all and as his parents you'll win.

Oh, and definitely don't give her your new address!

Congratulations!

She has no rights. She may give you a fair amount of grief until that is made clear to her though.

Given that she's now making not-very-veiled threats, I'd say itis time to go fully no contact.

Well I think she’s going to be a very disappointed girl when she finds out grandparents in the uk have no rights. It’s obviously never crossed her mind that if she’s nice to you she’ll see her grandkids, she has to be a dick instead.

You can go nc, the sky won’t fall in.

Did these concerns come up after you told her you were moving? Huge congrats on the new house!

@umwhyisthishappening

In good news: we got the house! Thanks for all the finger crossing everyone!

In bizarre news, my mum has got in contact to say she has ‘concerns’ about DS development and is getting advice on ‘her rights’...

Great news, congratulations! I now think 45mins away isn't far enough, and you should move 45 hours away!

My parents have never been so awful to me and my stepdad got right in my face and said I’m going to ‘fuck my son up’ by moving away from them

Hopefully you won't be seeing much of them in your new place, then. Are you going to give them the address? :p