Absolutely livid with ML- what would you do ?

[fussytodd]

So I'm staying with in laws for a couple of weeks.

I did some washing and accidentally put a wool jumper in with the general load at 40. It shrunk. I left it on the side in the laundry room to dry and then assess the damage.

Today mother in law comes up to me, holding just the jumper and goes:

' what happened here ?you must have washed this wrong. You need to wash it on a wool setting '

I reply :

' I know. I just didn't see it and put it in with other stuff at 30. That's a shame, oh well'

She says again : ' yeah but you can't wash it at 30, you can only wash it on a wool setting '. I again replied that I know that but I didn't see it and oh well.

To which she goes: ' well this is a hundred pound jumper '. It's her sons jumper, not hers...

So I just went, well what do you want me to do ?

Back story is that it has happened to me before that I've accidentally shrunk a jumper and it's come up as a joke in front of her before. Even so, am I right that I don't deserve to be scolded by her over this ? It's my money and my stuff. So what if I occasionally make a mistake.

I'm so angry, I can't look at her.

@fussytodd

I'm so angry that she had the audacity to come upstairs and scold me like a child.

I don't think you are overreacting at all.

I would be raging if my MIL told me off like that like one of her children!

"You followed me to our bedroom and scolded me like a child about this already, MiL. Unless you have something new to add, I'll be forced to assume you just want to scold me some more but with an audience this time: hands up everyone who wants to be part of that audience?

Bloody perfect @NewlyGranny

Hands the Awkward back to the instigator, & cleanly Names The Behaviour.
Which is usually the vital ingredient missing in conflicts like this - but a reluctance to do so is what verbal bullies rely on, & how they get away with it.

When we name the behaviour, it leaves the instigator nowhere to go.
Well ... they will go somewhere, usually outraged spluttering, or escalated blame, or manipulative waterworks ... but now the Behaviour Has Been Named, everyone can see they are just being a dick :)

Deep breath.

This is clearly the final straw that broke the camel's back. Tensions are always high when staying with family, even moreso when the relationship isn't great at the best of times.

You know how to wash a jumper, it was just an accident. She may either just be trying to help or may be sticking her neb in. Regardless, have ten minutes, have a brew, have a little frustrated cry if you need to then take a deep breath and carry on.

No use crying over shrunk jumpers - it was a silly mistake, it's happened - never mind. Try soaking it in conditioner and warm water in the sink, press the excess water out against the sink and the put it between two towel and stretch it back to normal and let it dry naturally. That usually works for me.

If it doesn't... at least it wasn't yours ;)

Aren't you the one who was really upset because your sil agreed to look after your toddler while you worked but didn't because you were off sick with your pregnancy?

I think you've outstayed your welcome.

CharginBuck yes!
State the facts - they can't be argued with.

@GenderAtheist

Your husband needs to do the washing. That will avoid any complaints.

And you need to rest up more if you are pregnant and unwell.

My advice on difficult MIL in general is to make sure that your husband deals with everything for her. Buys gifts, sends thanks for gifts, helps her out, does all the inviting and hosting.

Women like that will hate you and criticise you regardless of what you do. So you might as well take a big step back. And set some boundaries now before baby comes along

Eg MIL comes to visit to see baby only when you husband is in.
Take baby upstairs to your bedroom to nurse or change
Don’t have any discussion of your pregnancy or birth choices with your MIL. None at all - it’s your medical information and it’s confidential .

Don’t discuss any child rearing choices with your MIL. Direct any queries or comment to your husband.

If she phones you, greet her politely and pass the phone to your husband. Don’t give her your mobile number.

If she asks for baby photos, tell her you will ask your husband to send some.

If you put your husband into bat at every opportunity you will soon find that he solves the problems - either by tackling them or avoiding them.

Either way it’s a win for you.

Really? Over a comment over a jumper?

When someone is a guest in one’s house it is customary to be polite to them, it does not give one carte blanche to comment on their laundry errors

Noted, @ChiefInspectorParker. Think I've seen this in Debrett's. Although that's more to do with not having one's butler berate one's guest's valet, iirc.

@ApplesAreTheBaneOfMyLife

If it was, word for word, as you have posted then I think you were very rude indeed.

‘I’m so sorry, I’ve done something really stupid’ followed by an offer to buy a replacement would be the more appropriate response.

Why? It wasn't MIL's jumper and MIL didn't buy it so why on earth should she have apologised to her about it?

It's none of her business and she stuck her nose in.

Weird.

I genuinely don't understand how you can "accidentally" put an adult size jumper in a wash load without seeing it? Do you just pick up heaps of laundry and shove them in willy-nilly? If so, that's your problem right there.

From what I can gather, you have form for this, so it's not a one-off accident. I recommend that you learn how to read the labels and do the laundry with more care, or leave your partner/husband's jumpers for him to do, or your MIL, rather than ruining them.

Whether or not, overall, your MIL is a bit much, or you are, is hard to tell from this story. Do you tend to damage things accidentally or due to carelessness, or be dismissive of wasting money that (presumably) her son has spent on his clothing or whatever else, regularly? Are you treating her home as your own rather too much while you stay? If so, she might have a point.

(I recognise some people might find my reply a bit harsh. Personally, I really can't stand this type of carelessness, especially when repeated, while I'm very generous about genuine mistakes of all types. And for me, clothing IS expensive and so should be looked after as best as possible. Others are more laid back about the whole thing.)

@ApplesAreTheBaneOfMyLife

If it was, word for word, as you have posted then I think you were very rude indeed.

‘I’m so sorry, I’ve done something really stupid’ followed by an offer to buy a replacement would be the more appropriate response.

Why?

It's nothing to do with MIl.

No her jumper - therefore not her circus.

@Viviennemary

You were careless and unapologetic for your mistake. That must be extremely irritating for the people around you. Unless it was your own garment you wrecked it needs to be replaced by you.

She doesn't need to apologise to the MIL, it's nothing to do with her.

From the sound of it the husband isn't there so she will most likely mention it and apologise when she sees him.

'Dave, I washed your jumper too hot and shrunk it I'm sorry.'

'Oh no, how annoying. Is it ruined?'

'I've googled a couple of methods to unshrink it so hopefully that will work.'

'Oh well, it was an accident, shit happens. It's just a jumper.'

Literally, so much drama on this thread. Yes it's an expensive jumper but so much hand ringing about an accident. She's shrunk a jumper, it can be unshrunk!

I agree with this. Maybe she is annoyed with your apparent disregard for the value of things?

But, again, if it's not her possession and not something she gave to her son, it's none of her business. And I'm still puzzled about how OP was supposed to react, given that she can't make the accident unhappen.

I think your response might have come across a but blasé to me if l were your mil. I think l would have been a bit more bothered about destroying a hundred quid jumper and would have shown that rather than shrugging my shoulders.

But it seems she regularly "scolds' you - maybe don't go and stay with her anymore? Is your DP with you?

@Viviennemary

You need to replace the jumper you ruined.

What is the relevance of this to what OP's MIL said? Have you missed the fact that OP paid for it in the first place?

‘I’m so sorry, I’ve done something really stupid’ followed by an offer to buy a replacement would be the more appropriate response.

Maybe to her husband, but not to the MIL. It had nothing to do with the MIL.

@ChargingBuck

When someone is a guest in one’s house it is customary to be polite to them, it does not give one carte blanche to comment on their laundry errors

Noted, @ChiefInspectorParker. Think I've seen this in Debrett's. Although that's more to do with not having one's butler berate one's guest's valet, iirc.

Debretts 😂😂😂

My DM does this to me all the time but I’m careless with the washing so I just take it on the chin. She shouldn’t scold but I would be inclined to just get over it

Well you should have washed it on a wool setting.
Yeah - OP knows that.

Will you stating the obvious restore the jumper to full size @Sceptre86?

When she asked you what had happened you could have acted nicely instead of going on the defensive.
She did. What's not 'acting nicely' about the bland reply -
"I know. I just didn't see it and put it in with other stuff" ?

& then staying bland & neutral despite having to say it twice, because MiL couldn't stop needling?

She doesn't have to allow you to stay in her home
It's not a special privilege OP is being granted. It's not a favour. It's a family visit. Big deal. You might as well say "OP didn't have to visit" as if it's some abnormal or praiseworthy event by either side.

and being ill in pregnancy is not an excuse for acting rudely which you did.
Oh! I missed the part where OP followed MiL upstairs to rudely force unhelpful recriminations at her. Ooops! - no, silly me, it was the other way round.
So help me out here - what did OP actually say that was rude?

@Hothammock

I'm not sure why you think it's unreasonable for someone to point out you need to take more care when sorting your laundry but you don't see it's unreasonable to say oh well about shrinking a £100 wool jumper... If you care so little for possessions why not donate their value to food banks instead of your careless laundry practices. Your reaction is totally disproportionate.

Why does anyone have to point out to OP that she needs to take care when sorting? Does anyone seriously think she couldn't work that out without her MIL explaining it to her? Would you seriously take it on yourself to make a fuss with a relative about an accident with their own possessions?

And equally there is absolutely nothing unreasonable about saying "Oh well" when talking to someone about something that is none of their business. Had it been MIL's jumper or one she'd given to her son, yes, something more might have been required, but OP really doesn't have to abase herself about a simple accident which has harmed no-one but herself and her husband.

I'd have been tempted to tell her you had shrunk it on purpose to fit the baby

I think she was rude, but I don’t think it warrants you being so angry. Clearly though there is a big backstory so I expect this is a cumulative effect issue!

Glad you’re getting away soon. It’s shit being pregnant and ill and not in your own home.

@HeartsAndClubs

I can just imagine if a woman posted here that her DH/mil/other person had washed her £100 jumper and ruined it and then said “oh well.”

While maybe your mil shouldn’t have said anything, it’s a bit of a casual attitude to have towards ruining something which isn’t even yours, even if you did pay for it.

If my partner ruined something of mine like that I would be fuming. And if he brushed it off like that I would potentially be rethinking the relationship, on the assumption this probably wasn’t the first time.

Your “oh well,” attitude clearly shows you have little respect for your DH and his stuff, to the point that you ruined something of his and then just shrugged it off.

As his mother it might be that she sees this.

But do you not get the point that OP wasn't saying "Oh well" to her husband? She wasn't brushing him off. She was saying it to someone who had chosen to stick her nose in where it had absolutely no business to be. Given the background circumstances, MIL is pretty lucky she wasn't told to fuck right off.