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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son changing with Mum at gym swimming

999 replies

tailspin21 · 28/10/2021 08:25

Firstly, I know IABU posting in this section when it's not technically but I could really use impartial opinions and I know this is one place I can get them!
So, the conundrum. DS is 8, coming up 9 years old. We go for a swimming lesson twice a week, the pool is attached to a local gym. The men's changing room is one side of the pool and the women's is the other, so they're not side by side. Hubby can't (or won't - different thread!) come with. I am very conscious that women are changing in there - there are cubicles and DS always gets changed in a cubicle, but not every woman does not should they have to. My question is how much longer before he really needs to be going into the men's? I'm becoming increasingly aware but what is the magical cut off?! On the one hand I don't want him making other women uncomfortable. On the other, as an 8 year old alone in the men's changing room he's vulnerable himself. Am I overthinking? When should he be making that move? He's not always the most sensible but is generally not completely daft!

OP posts:
DoubleDeckerSwimmer · 28/10/2021 10:21

The rule is generally 8+ and that is what I did with my own son. To be honest, if all the mothers of sons did the same, it would be safer in the men's changing room. It is a bit of a vicious circle if the boys stay out if there are no other boys, so because there are no boys the boys stay out...

My son did have an issue once that he lost his glasses in there. The staff were very good about going in with him to help look.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 28/10/2021 10:22

@toomuchlaundry

What do dads with daughters do in places like this?
DH likes to take DDs camping and watersports alone. They go to the ladies alone for showers etc.
authenticforgery · 28/10/2021 10:22

I wouldn't use a pool without family changing or big rows of unisex cubicles. I'd rather drive further or whatever than risk leaving my 9 year old son with strange men.
It shouldn't be our problem but unfortunately it is.

ImUninsultable · 28/10/2021 10:22

@nanbread

Oh, they absolutely do. But the narrative on this thread is mums bulldozing the rules and taking their sons in because "they go and change in the cubicles not the communal bit so they're fine".
Without giving a single fuck about the girls using the communal bit their boys are walking through.

The boys deserve privacy. But it's their own mum's who are taking them into the women's without a care for that. And in this situation, I think its important to get it through their thick heads that it isnt about their son. It is about the girls they are pushing in on for their own convenience. Because it is a woman's space and they have no right to it.

lottiegarbanzo · 28/10/2021 10:22

If boys need their own separate changing room, away from men, women and girls, they and their parents need to campaign to the leisure centre, local authority and other relevant authorities to achieve that.

In the mean time, bog off out of the ladies, it's not for you.

Helenluvsrob · 28/10/2021 10:23

Or …. Go in kit and dressing gown / onesie type thing and wrap self in towel poolside and dry. Stick same back over swimming kit and straight to car.

This is what our gym had everyone doing at 2m spacing , poolside when they started back post Covid snd some still do ( mostly in dry robes )

Sirzy · 28/10/2021 10:23

Is it any wonder that too many Men grow up unable to accept Womens boundaries when (even if with the best intentions at the time) they are raised to believe that they come before the women even when it comes to women’s spaces?

Brefugee · 28/10/2021 10:24

while you acknowledge women deserve a safe space from men, you don't seem to acknowledge that small boys deserve the same.

so you are all saying, just to be clear here: girls should just put up and shut up because you* can't be arsed fighting for solutions for boys?

*collective you, just so posters don't think I'm talking about indviduals

chimpandzee · 28/10/2021 10:24

DS has ASD and I wasn't comfortable at 8 letting him go alone in to the mens to get changed for swimming. Our local leisure centre has a family changing cubicle (one in the mens, one in the womens) which they would unlock for us.

ImUninsultable · 28/10/2021 10:24

@SausageSizzle

So you lobby the centre for family changing. You change him discreetly poolside. You being a towel onesie and change at home.

The solution is not, and never should be, to invade the women's space and take away the safety, privacy and dignity of girls.

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 28/10/2021 10:24

Our swimming lessons it’s over 7’s in their own sex changing room.

Both my DSs are autistic so we use the disabled changing room. They are 9 and 11. The 11 year old would still struggle to put his stuff away safely in a locker on his own.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 28/10/2021 10:25

Is it any wonder that too many Men grow up unable to accept Womens boundaries when (even if with the best intentions at the time) they are raised to believe that they come before the women even when it comes to women’s spaces

Yes, and when they also know (when they do go to the men's with dad or alone) that men's spaces are sacred and women-free.

Holly60 · 28/10/2021 10:25

I also don’t think posters are being totally realistic assuming that young girls will be totally comfortable getting naked around lots of strange women of varying ages but would be conversely mortified if it was an 8 year old boy.

There is no way my granddaughters would get changed in the communal area if there are cubicles. They would be horrified to have to see wrinkly old ladies get their bits out 😂

Whereismumhiding3 · 28/10/2021 10:25

This. It's not ok from a safeguarding perspective for an 8 year old boy to be alone with a load of adult men who are strangers in an environment where they're undressed.

This is a post from someone that really doesn't understand "safeguarding"

It isn't a safeguarding issue otherwise leisure facilities wouldn't be allowed to have the rule about single sex changing rooms being for 8 year olds and upwards, any service can't have policies that contravene safeguarding legislation.

Whether something is "Safeguarding" is determined by legislation - with statutory criteria - not what some random person thinks it should be

Branleuse · 28/10/2021 10:25

[quote ImUninsultable]@Tink626

Do you think girls are comfortable with him there?

At what point will their comfort be enough to stop you?[/quote]
If my daughter was uncomfortable about an 8 year old boy being IN A CUBICLE with his mum, while she was also in a cubicle then id be very surprised.

All my kids wear their swimmers underneath their clothes on the way to the pool, and if there happened to be a communal changing room, then thats the fault of the establishment and not the fault of the little boy, since most people dont like changing in front of anyone. I bloody hate communal changing, but an 8 year old boy is no more likely to be a risk of staring than an 8 year old girl. Teach kids not to stare.
I support any mothers right to keep her small primary age sons under her own supervision in public places. If a woman or a girl feels uncomfortable with an 8 year old boy who has done nothing wrong and just wants to get changed for swimming, then I honestly and absolutely do not prioritise that over my childrens actual safety, and id no sooner send my 8 year old boy into a changing room of adult men, than i would my 8 year old daughter.
if you dont like it, then dont use a public swimming pool

Brefugee · 28/10/2021 10:25

this thread is astounding

DrCoconut · 28/10/2021 10:26

Do places have open changing areas? I've never been to a pool that does. Our local one is cubicles. They are different sized for individuals, families, groups (where you choose who is in your group) etc. Even the nearby gym (which is adult only except at a few specific sessions) although it does have male and female changing rooms has signs up saying please use the cubicles and don't undress in front of others. I'm really glad about the pool because my 10 year old son has SN and is not mature enough to use a men's changing area as some of these are being described.

lottiegarbanzo · 28/10/2021 10:26

Is it any wonder that too many Men grow up unable to accept Womens boundaries when (even if with the best intentions at the time) they are raised to believe that they come before the women even when it comes to women’s spaces?

Exactly.

Stompythedinosaur · 28/10/2021 10:27

My dc were 8 when they started to be aware of not wanting to get changed in front of the opposite gender. I think 8 is old enough to get changed solo tbh.

TheNinny · 28/10/2021 10:27

8 is too old. If he dresses himself as home I’m sure he could handle it.

DoubleDeckerSwimmer · 28/10/2021 10:27

id no sooner send my 8 year old boy into a changing room of adult men

But if all the boys went in there, then it wouldn't be a changing room of just adult men?

shouldistop · 28/10/2021 10:27

The cut off is 8 at any gym I've been to.

Whatinthelord · 28/10/2021 10:28

I actually find this a really difficult conundrum. I am a strong believer in separate spaces for women and girls but I also recognise that there are people who would target children in a changing room alone.
It’s right though that the answer isn’t to invade a single sec only space but to seek at alternative solution with the swimming pool.

Obviously the most obvious answer would be for there to be a separate shared space or mixed\family changing area. But the other suggestions of bringing a friend along etc are good to.

I think there is probably an awkward gap between 8-12 ish where some boys will be very young for their age and others will be more independent.

This is timely for me. I went to a new swimming pool yesterday which we loved. But my son is 7 and they had separate changing rooms. He came in with me, as he simply wouldn’t go into a changing room alone even if I wanted him to, but it’s clear he is close to needing to change separately. I’ll have to figure that out.

I suspect most grown women wouldn’t be bothered by a boy under about 10/11, however as a previous poster mentioned, girls around 7+ probably would feel uncomfortable.

Op I think if your son is happy and confident enough at 8 to go in the make changing room then let him. Maybe go through some rules/ plans for in case anything happens first. For example if anyone make him feel worried or scared give him a phrase he can use “oops I forgot my locker money I need to go and get it” and tell him to leave. Ask him to come Straight out when finished, use a separate cubicle etc.

Branleuse · 28/10/2021 10:28

im amazed that we are projecting adult mens sexual motives onto 8 year old boys.

being able to keep our children safe IS a feminist issue. How fucking dare people try and say that little boys are invading womens spaces when going swimming with their mums. Thats absolutely insane.

ImUninsultable · 28/10/2021 10:28

@Branleuse

And here we have the fundamentals of the patriarchy and misogyny.

If women and girls dont like something then they can shut up because my boy is more important.

Well done. Really. You're teaching your sons some amazing lessons. Bravo.