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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son changing with Mum at gym swimming

999 replies

tailspin21 · 28/10/2021 08:25

Firstly, I know IABU posting in this section when it's not technically but I could really use impartial opinions and I know this is one place I can get them!
So, the conundrum. DS is 8, coming up 9 years old. We go for a swimming lesson twice a week, the pool is attached to a local gym. The men's changing room is one side of the pool and the women's is the other, so they're not side by side. Hubby can't (or won't - different thread!) come with. I am very conscious that women are changing in there - there are cubicles and DS always gets changed in a cubicle, but not every woman does not should they have to. My question is how much longer before he really needs to be going into the men's? I'm becoming increasingly aware but what is the magical cut off?! On the one hand I don't want him making other women uncomfortable. On the other, as an 8 year old alone in the men's changing room he's vulnerable himself. Am I overthinking? When should he be making that move? He's not always the most sensible but is generally not completely daft!

OP posts:
julieca · 28/10/2021 16:08

@BunNcheese I wouldnt use the word predator to describe any 8 year old boy.
But yes, the boys who have fathers who make sexually inappropriate comments about women are more likely to do that themselves about girls their own age.

grey12 · 28/10/2021 16:10

@IdLoveToButCantBeArsed the father should go with the boy the first time to show him how to behave properly

carolinesbaby · 28/10/2021 16:11

My DS is 8 not long after Christmas. He has some additional needs and wouldn't cope with getting himself dried and dressed on his own, if he had to use the men's changing rooms. His dad won't swim. I understand that older boys can't use the women's (and agree with this) but where do we go? He's not disabled, he just isn't mature enough to do this independently - think more like a 5 year old than a nearly 8 year old. There's no family changing. If he doesn't come in the women's, he won't be swimming which seems unfair.

julieca · 28/10/2021 16:13

If he cant dry and dress himself okayish at 8 then he is disabled.

PleasantBirthday · 28/10/2021 16:14

His dad won't swim.

He doesn't have to. He can still go to the changing room and supervise changing. Why does your son (potentially) not get to swim in a year or two (when it really isn't feasible for him to go to the female room)? His Dad needs to get his act together.

Bizawit · 28/10/2021 16:15

@FreeBritnee

I’m of the same mind and what I’ll take away from this thread is the reply from one particular poster who has managed to make her point come across chillingly. It says way more about her than any 8 year old.

I agree. This thread has made me feel sick. I’m ashamed to be affiliated with the GC movement if this is how vehemently so many women feel in regard to kids in changing facilities. Disgusting and I’m hiding the thread.

I agree. Utterly vile and bizarre. An 8 year old boy is not a sexual predator. He’s a child in need of protection and safeguarding. He’s far more at risk on his own in the adult male changing room, than women and girls are by his mere presence in the female changing. He’s a pre-pubescent child!!
carolinesbaby · 28/10/2021 16:16

Also there's a lot of talk about "getting fully naked" in changing rooms.
I've used communal changing rooms all my life, and I've never seen a naked woman in one. They change under a towel, too half then bottom half. Nobody sees anything. Now I know this is not a reason for me to say my son should be welcomed in women's spaces (believe me I am completely with it on this issue) I am just saying that the majority of women of my acquaintance are not happy with other women seeing them naked let alone men.

ImUninsultable · 28/10/2021 16:17

@Reachersloveinterest

If he has additional needs that set him back in this way then yes, he is disabled and you use the disabled changing.

It isnt an insult. It isnt embarrassing. He had additional needs which mean he is unable to do what his peers can do. Let him use the disabled changing. It gives him privacy and dignity. It gives girls privacy and dignity.

julieca · 28/10/2021 16:17

I never change under a towel and see half naked women in changing rooms.

ChloeCrocodile · 28/10/2021 16:18

His dad won't swim.

Could his dad come just to get him changed? Or ask the leisure centre what they recommend. They may say that the accessible facilities are for any person whose additional needs mean they are unable to use the normal facilities.

kowari · 28/10/2021 16:18

@julieca

If he cant dry and dress himself okayish at 8 then he is disabled.
Yes, I would expect a typically developing child to be able to dry and dress themselves by six at the latest. If he has a developmental delay of two years then that is a disability.
ImUninsultable · 28/10/2021 16:19

@Reachersloveinterest

Women, yes. But girls are still learning to do that. As a grown woman, if my towel slips I dont get upset. But as a 10 year old with a changing body, if my towel slips with older boys sitting there, I would be more upset than if just women had seen me.

They shouldn't need to change with the fear that the boys will see something.

LolaSmiles · 28/10/2021 16:20

I agree. Utterly vile and bizarre. An 8 year old boy is not a sexual predator. He’s a child in need of protection and safeguarding. He’s far more at risk on his own in the adult male changing room, than women and girls are by his mere presence in the female changing. He’s a pre-pubescent child!

An 8 year old boy isn't a predator.
Female changing spaces are female changing spaces though.
Girls start opting out of sport from their pre teen years.
Girls need space to change where they feel comfortable.
Pre teen girls do not need their male peers in their single sex spaces

Why should girls accept being uncomfortable or have to budge up in order to centre boys?
Why is the answer to girls having boundaries or feeling uncomfortable often to tell girls to suck it up and be kind?

IfNot · 28/10/2021 16:21

I do think that some posters are being a bit weird about 8/9 year old children. We are not, surely, talking about teenagers.
Also
Men need to step up here and start demanding safe spaces for their sons and other boys and they need to be present in places where boys can be attacked or assaulted making sure it doesn't happen to any children.
Yes, that would be nice. Not going to happen sadly, women have always had to be in charge of safeguarding. No one leaves the fox in charge of the hen house!

Instagram · 28/10/2021 16:21

My daughter is very confident but also aware of a child having a disability. Having empathy for an eight year old boy with disabilities does not make her vulnerable to future exploitation. It makes her decent person.

An eight year old boy is not comparable to a teenager or adult.
I’m shocked at the attitude to young boys with disabilities!

Comedycook · 28/10/2021 16:21

If you're a mum of a girl who thinks an eight year old boy should change in the men's changing rooms... can I ask, would you send your 8 year old DD into a room with a man you don't know and close the door? If not, why not? And why is it ok for a boy the same age?

TwistMyOlive · 28/10/2021 16:21

He’s just as vulnerable in a changing room full of women as of men. He’s 8 not 5, let him change in the male room tell him he has to use a cubicle and he needs to be as quick as poss.

AudacityBaby · 28/10/2021 16:23

@Reachersloveinterest

Also there's a lot of talk about "getting fully naked" in changing rooms. I've used communal changing rooms all my life, and I've never seen a naked woman in one. They change under a towel, too half then bottom half. Nobody sees anything. Now I know this is not a reason for me to say my son should be welcomed in women's spaces (believe me I am completely with it on this issue) I am just saying that the majority of women of my acquaintance are not happy with other women seeing them naked let alone men.
I see it every time I go. Literally every time. Mind you, I go to adult only sessions so women know there won’t be any kids in there. Maybe that makes them feel more comfortable. I think it’s a good thing, even if I don’t do it myself.
Comedycook · 28/10/2021 16:23

@TwistMyOlive

He’s just as vulnerable in a changing room full of women as of men. He’s 8 not 5, let him change in the male room tell him he has to use a cubicle and he needs to be as quick as poss.
Of course he's not. Women are far less likely to be violent or sexual predators
KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods · 28/10/2021 16:24

@julieca

If he cant dry and dress himself okayish at 8 then he is disabled.
What the actual fuck.

Children develop at different rates. Some may still struggle with these things at 8. It DOES NOT equate to them being disabled.

IfNot · 28/10/2021 16:24

I guess I am just struggling to imagine an 8 year old girl being at all uncomfortable changing near an 8 year old boy- they are so young! Mind you, I did PE in my knickers and vest too.

PleasantBirthday · 28/10/2021 16:24

@Comedycook

If you're a mum of a girl who thinks an eight year old boy should change in the men's changing rooms... can I ask, would you send your 8 year old DD into a room with a man you don't know and close the door? If not, why not? And why is it ok for a boy the same age?
I don't necessarily think that boys should be in the male changing room, I think they shouldn't be in the female dressing room.

And no, I'd still have my daughter in the female dressing room. She's female, she's entitled to be there. Boys up to eight are permitted but after that, it's up to their parents to sort it out.

Branleuse · 28/10/2021 16:25

@ChloeCrocodile

Safety trumps discomfort 10fold.

So mums should be able to go in the men’s with their sons. The safety of the male child trumps the discomfort of men and boys who want single sex changing.

but how? The mothers would be over 8 years old??
IfNot · 28/10/2021 16:26

I think the solution is male children only changing rooms for 8+

Instagram · 28/10/2021 16:26

@Comedycook 👍exactly